Where life has gone

I can't believe how many.... Years it's been.

Life with a new born... And teens wasn't conducive for my previously journaling life.

It's the end of March. For us that means living at Lagoon for the next 7 months. Woo hoo!!! My kids enjoy it... But not like I do. And our fiesty 2 year old is hot on my heels. She loves it there. But unlike others, she's been broken in YOUNG. Elizabeth is grateful for the fine months it's closed. Elysia, being the only child of mine to ride EVERYTHING, likes it almost as much as I do... It helps that her friends go. AnyA is very much middle of the road. Jacob rides ALMOST everything but still gets anxious.  And Bella could benefit from some Valium.😉

This year starts off a little different. I'm pregnant, but a miscarriage is being predicted by the Dr. So, time will tell if I'm riding or watching this season.

That's us in a nut shell. This is my 2nd pregnancy since Christmas. And we're praying that this one ends successfully this fall.... Because we are ready for big kid life .❤️

MY Country. MY home

“Your country is like your house; you expect visitors who come to your house to respect you and respect your rules, not the opposite. Visitors must appreciate your kindness and your generosity for receiving them into your home and not impose their own rules on you. This is your house, you own it, so you have the obligation to protect it and defend it.

“If the visitor doesn’t like your rules, all he has to do is to leave. Nobody obliged him to visit you, and nobody will prevent him from leaving. As he came to your house by his own choice, he can leave your house freely or by force, if required.”

PERFECTLY said!

Don't follow the rules?  NOT Welcome!

Happy Veterans Day 2015

Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved home and the war’s desolation!
Blest with victory and peace, may the heav’n rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: “In God is our trust.”
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

The ongoing effort to shine: Habits of Happiness Day One

I purchased this book this weekend.  And tonight, we began reading it as a Family.

We will be learning about 6 or 7 of these habits over the next couple of weeks.

Tonight, we began learning about Habit # 1:  Do not focus on your weaknesses.

Instead, focus on your strengths.

Birthday Delivery (s)

This year,  for the first time in a few years, David picked out and planned to surprise me with a series of packages delivered to our home.

First,

A New Orleans Saints sleeved blanket. 

Followed by 

New Orleans Saints Beer glasses (which I've come to LOVE for entertaining)

Then

A New Orleans Saints straw dispenser already stocked with gold straws.

Finally,  

Cherry Lime and Blood Orange Italian Soda flavoring. :-D

My life changed today

I went to the Jordan River Temple today.  I've been going to various Temples for one reason or another my whole life. I've been doing Baptisms for the Dead since I was 12.  And have been able to do the "Full Service" work called a "Session" for almost 12 years now.

Deborah and Mark watched Jacob and Bella Thurs, yesterday and today for me.  And my mom watched my other Girls for the same amount of time.

So Thursday, I was able to go with my ward plus Becca Johnson, Rebecca and Bryon Carpenter.

Today, I was able to go with the Kropfs.... SERIOUSLY my VERY favorite people EVER!!!

And although EVERYTHING was exactly what I've seen and heard a thousand times, it was different.

***I*** was different. And my Soul was touched. And I understood on the deepest level who I am, why I am here, and who God is to me.

I can't help but wonder how different my life would have been if I had felt and understood the way I finally did today.

But, I KNOW God understands that I just. wasn't. ready.

I want to be better.  I want to be cleaner.  I want to be GOOD.  REALLY REALLY GOOD.

Because once.. a LONG time ago, My Older Brother, and Savior, Jesus Christ said, "It's ok. I'll fix it because I love you." <3 p="">

July 17th 2015

THE DAY OUR LIVES CHANGED FOREVER!

Let's start with the 16th.  I was spotting.  I've NEVER done that before during a pregnancy.  I felt like I was going to start my period.  I just wanted to curl up in bed. So I did.  I only had Elysia and Bella that night, so I pulled them into bed with me, rented a movie on demand and went to sleep. The morning of the 17th, I woke up and called David.  I told him I was spotting and he told me to call the DR as soon as they opened.  Which, I did.  They told me to come in at my earliest convenience.  

I got the girls up and we went and got David from the airport.  Then they dropped me off at the DR.  He told me there probably wasn't anything to worry about.  That a pocket of blood sometimes forms called a Subchorionic Hemorrhage. But that it's usually minimal and nothing threatening. He did a vaginal ultrasound and found that the hemorrhage had formed a clot that had separated the placenta from my uterus and cut of all nourishment to the baby. There was no longer a heart beat and not blood flow to the placenta or baby.

He offered to operate to remove the baby, or to give me medicine to help it get done faster.  I was holding on to some hope that it was a fluke and would be ok and told him I'd let it happen on it's own.

About 1 am on the 18th, I passed a mass about the size of my fist, and it was over.

We were heart broken.  David even had a rough time with it.  But it is what it is.  Baby Joey had a heart beat.  And we love him.  But The Lord knows what he's doing.

In the mean time, after the Dr, we met Jake and Tiffany over at their house, so we could go sign the papers to make it OUR house.

3900 sq ft. 1/2 acre of land.  All ours!!!

Back again

WOW! SO much has happened.  We got our house.  Not the one we built.  But one that is so much better for us. I lost the baby we were expecting just over 1 month ago. And I had a life changing trip to Las Vegas.... I have had so much running through my head.  I hope I can organize (remember) it well enough to make it into posts.

I promise logic

I've been thinking and thinking.... with my ASD characteristics, I over think A LOT. But it's because I can't leave the equation incomplete. Enter the "Who's On First" scene from Rain Man.  It's an incomplete equation.  And he can't leave it incomplete.

SO, anyway.  The thing I've rolled over and over in my head is my NEED for no shoes to be worn in my home.  And this is what I've come to:

I have seen enough scientific proof that wearing shoes in the house defeats my goals.  In can actually pull up articles that support it.  Therefore, my battle is finished.  I can now simply say "No shoes."  And if you want to argue, I'll give you a link to take it up with.

The thing here is actually NOT the shoe issue.  It's that logic has become a less than normal defense.  When it should be the FIRST defense.

Almost EVERY one looks at my reactions as emotional reactions.  But I'm actually NOT a highly emotional person. (I have proof of THAT too).  I'm a logical reactor.  When it goes against logic, I get offended.  Every one is hung up on the idea that I get offended when my "feeling" are hurt.

If  you saw someone on the sidewalk with no legs, you would not expect them to walk around.  So it should not be expected for a non emotionally rationalizing person to think with their emotions. 

ASD is not as obvious as missing legs. But it DOES mean that the person accomplishes their goal differently than NON ASD people.  Just like someone without legs has to go about their goals differently than someone with legs.

Fight all you want. You CANNOT force what is not possible.  You cannot MAKE a brain work differently than it is wired.

So the next time you think something I say is unfair, or demanding, or makes no sense, look at it logically not emotionally.

Is it LOGICAL that I, not you dictate the rules in my home?
I'm not demanding respect as much as the logic that I deserve the respect in my home.

It's logical that I, not you clean my house.  Is it logical that I dictate how much mess I have to clean in my home?  Emotion says "Be kind above all else."  Logic says " Of COURSE it's reasonable that I make the rules in my home."

If you keep trying to get me to respond according to the emotional "Right", you will continue to get a fight out of me because I CANNOT, and DO NOT work that way.

What's my problem

You've read over and over my complaints about my Husband's family....specifically the way things are with his youngest brother.

It's NOT his choices that bother me.  I don't care that he had tattoos,  drinks,  whatever. IT doesn't affect me at ALL.

What affects me is being shunned by David's parents while his gf is loved.  And is not because it's me. It's because MY CHILDREN are the ones who get punished.  When Grandma and Grandpa attend everyone else's parties but theirs,  they're not stupid.

The problem with being Gay....and other alternative life styles

God vs "alternate" lifestyles.....

Argument: God is love= loves everyone for who they are= any lifestyle is acceptable.

Problem with this equation : God IS love.= He wants or souls to be happy = Anything that damages or souls is not good for us = Imagine falling in love.  And then never being able to be together once you die = your soul breaks once you're separated.

It's not a matter of His wanting your happiness to be limited.  It's not a matter of He WON'T let you be together forever.  He CANT allow it.

God didn't become a God by conquering the laws of the universe.  He is so good at working WITH them that he can accomplish ANYTHING.  But He is still bound by laws.

He wants us to be happy. And He CANNOT break the law to allow our happiness

We celebrate life and growth

I am a Mother.  NOT the best one.  But a Good one.  I. LOVE. MY. CHILDREN.  I celebrate each of them, Born or unborn, they matter.

The source of life is light.  With out it, we become stagnant.  And putrid.  EVERY time you choose something other than light, you darken.

SO, yes.  I will campaign for light.  I will campaign for God and HIS way.  Because even accepting un Godliness is campaigning for darkness.

In David's family, I have seen an absolute example of "harmless" apathy. Where a love of light is professed, and even expected. But actively working to achieve a constant relationship with light is not maintained.

My Hisband and I were held to a standard.  We have met that standard.  But it took 13 years and a lot of tripping, falling down, and getting back up for any fruit of our labors to be noticeable.  My youngest BIL is held to no standard whatsoever.  He is doing OK by general world standards.... but really BARELY.  At 22, he has designer clothes, but no drivers license. He expects to have what he his older brothers do, with 1/4 of the effort. Yet he is celebrated while my Husband is shunned.

It's fine by the World's standard that he chooses not to marry and start a family, but instead live with his girlfriend.  But not by God's standard.

And his parents have chosen to support his lifestyle over ours.  Which is their prerogative.  But what they refuse to understand is that they can't have both.

They CAN choose to celebrate my BIL's cohabitation relationship.  They CAN favor his girlfriend over me.  And they CAN celebrate his 3 cats and his ability to feed them and provide shelter for them on equal ground as My Husband's fathering of 6 children.... plus a cat.

But they CANNOT have both them and us.

They want to wish him a Happy Father's Day (because we'd HATE for him to be left out after all), that's fine.  But don't post my children on the list along with his 3 cats.

They are worth more than that.

I am not here to control ANY one. But that doesn't entitle them to have everything.

You CAN make your choices.  But you CANNOT alter the consequences of those choices.  And in this case, the consequence in supporting his lifestyle, and holding him higher than we because our choices have been different , is that they can have HIM. NOT US.

Please do NOT include us

A picture was posted today for Father's Day. Of My husband, his 2 brothers and his brother in law.

Only 3 have ever fathered or provided parental care for another human being. But that, apparently is no longer the criteria for being celebrated on Father's Day.

I understand that there are extenuating circumstances where a man DESPERATELY wishes to Father a child.  And can't.  He becomes a Father to ANYONE he can.  He LOVES his nieces and nephews, and Friends' children with all he has.  He adopts pets and loves them as children.  HE is a Father.  The Man who marries a woman with children and takes them as his own.  HE is a Father.

The selfish 22 year old who chooses not to enter into marriage, takes a job that's fun vs pays the bills, has made ZERO attempts at caring for young humans other than to occasionally play with nieces and nephews, and has a few pets for companionship is NOT a Father.  NOT BY ANY STRETCH of the word.

And yet, in this world of entitlement, we'd HATE for anyone to be left out.  Just show up and you get a trophy, right?

WELL, I had to do 9 months of HARD time and carry the scars, weight AND 18 more years of hard time to get to be included in Mother's Day.  My Husband works his ASS off and only sees our Family half of the year so that we can have what we need.  This AFTER 9 months of supporting MY hard labor.  THIS has entitled him to being celebrated on Father's Day.

And it's a symptom of everything wrong with this world: Those who ask for equal rights are NEVER satisfied with Equal Rights.  They want Superior Rights

I've learned a lot about this being married to David.  When we fight, in many ways, it's because he sees ONLY a win/lose situation as possible.  This is not God's way. Have you ever thought about the fact that there are BILLIONS of people on earth.  And when something works out in YOUR favor, is it ONLY at the detriment of others?  Not when God is involved.  It is guaranteed that when something works in your favor and His hand is in it, it is also benefiting any number of others.

For example, on Thurs, I was EXHAUSTED.  But had scheduled to work out with my SIL.  I REALLY wasn't up to it but I let it play out, and she ended up cancelling because it didn't work for HER either.We both benefited from the outcome.

And so. with this new world order, we do not want to be included with your celebrations that no longer take any effort or consideration  of a win/win scenario

Touch is essential

Touch is essential. And because of that,  Satan had robed it just like he tries to ruin everything good: sex,  technology,  family.......

A good family practices regular appropriate touch

I can be mean.. And I can stop

I used to lament over how another day had come and gone, and I wasn't perfect yet.  And after YEARS of putting myself through the misery of self condemnation, I FINALLY came to the realization, and gratitude for the little moments.  Those moments when I say "I'm Sorry."  When I realize I was abusive or mean, and I let my ego take a hit and put the people I love first.

I have been VERY clear with My Husband and Children that we do NOT allow bullying in our home/Family. And it doesn't matter WHO it is. I am not allowed to bully.  And neither are they.  And I have 36 years of being how I am....good and bad ETCHED into every fiber of my being.

But I CAN change.  Every second that I do better, it's something.

And so, I can make A moment BETTER, even if I can't make EVERY moment PERFECT.

When I said enough

"Boundaries are healthy. You get to say who is welcome in your private spaces and how they are welcome there. They can choose to comply or they can choose to leave. If having them in your life is more important than this choice you will choose to make allowances for them."


This is so very true.  And yet, the world we live in preaches entitlement.  If I have it, you are entitled to it.

Being Empathic, I VERY seriously care about doing what I can to make those I want a relationship with as comfortable as possible.

Let me tell you, some people will NEVER be comfortable.

I exhibit ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) tendencies as well as PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) symptoms.  There are NO words to tell you what it feels like in my head and body when my space or routine is violated.

The previous post shows a little bit of this.

To go back to the previous post for a moment, As I stated, I had a party.... gathering a few days ago.  It was scheduled for 3 PM. At 2 PM, I had to go to the grocery store for snacks. I am used to almost NOBODY coming to my parties.... or gatherings. But I DID know a couple of people were coming.  At 2:45, I got a message from Marianne asking if I was home.  At the same time, I got a call from home saying that someone was knocking at the door.  I told Elysia to open the door.  I NEVER say that.  But this time, I did.  It was Marianne.  When I returned home, right at 3, there were 4 Ladies in my home, plus Quintus, the neighbor boy.

This scenario would normally send me OVER THE EDGE.  And yet, this time, it was easy to not stress.  Because they were people who KNOW me and CARE about me. All shoes were left at the door because they KNEW that was the rule in my home.  And they respected that as guests in my home, that was their obligation.

As opposed to a number of other people who repeatedly ask to leave their shoes on, or find a way around my rules.

Let me be very clear: The difference between a classy person and a not so classy person is whether they try to bend your house rules or accept them.

I have allowed some people to walk on my carpet.... something that makes me NUTS.... because I felt so sorry for them when I asked them to take off their shoes or not come in and they just wouldn't leave them at the door.

THE prime culprit is my FIL. And yet, I wanted his acceptance.  I wanted a relationship with him. And I would compensate later by becoming INCREDIBLY OCD as I would clean up after his visit.

It took me over 12 years of sacrificing my boundaries in exchange for an ATTEMPT at acceptance.  An acceptance that NEVER came.

And so now, I enforce boundaries.  Because they protect Me and MY FAMILY,  And WE are our most important asset,

How you know...

I had a Norwex party the other day.  6 of my closest Friends came. Norwex is a contaminant free cleaning product company.  To demonstrate how well the products work, the consultant rubbed raw chicken on my dining room table.  And EVERY person in that room turned and looked at me with the "How is she going to handle it" look.  Every single lady in that room KNEW it was that "Ack" thing for me.

That's how you know you're TRULY among Friends.  When they know EXACTLY who you are. And STILL show up!!! ♥♥♥ 

Truth vs Kindness

I find the above saying very very interesting.  I, you see CANNOT lie.  Except in VERY special circumstances.  Those being my Children's safety.  I can lie to the POPE himself if I believe it is necessary to protect my family.  But under any other circumstances, don't count on it.

As Oh, from the Movie "Home" says: " A lie is a bad thing. I did a thing so you can live."

That, to me is the difference between a lie and a necessity.  I do NOT lie.  I can, however adapt.

Many may stick with the "If you can't say anything nice...." adage.  However, is it wise to not speak the truth to be "kind"?

In the Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi 16:2 and 3 say:

2 And it came to pass that I said unto them that I knew that I had spoken hard things against the wicked, according to the truth; and the righteous have I justified, and testified that they should be lifted up at the last day; wherefore, the guilty taketh the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center.

 3 And now my brethren, if ye were righteous and were willing to hearken to the truth, and give heed unto it, that ye might walk uprightly before God, then ye would not murmur because of the truth, and say: Thou speakest hard things against us.

One thing you HAVE to know about people who habitually, even compulsively speak the truth, is that they often don't have a filter that tells them if it's kind or not.  That DOESN'T mean they will blurt out that you're ugly. But if it's TRUE and not derogatory, they don't see the need to mince words.  They often feel that editing is doing the other person a disservice.

SO, just because it's true, doesn't mean it's "kind".  And just because it's "unkind", doesn't make it unnecessary.

"We are quickly becoming a sick and twisted culture both nationally and even globally. I get endlessly attacked and mocked for stating that simple truth, but I guess the truth hurts. There is certainly no disputing that obvious fact as far as I am concerned." Dave "the Sage" (Look him up on FB, he's awesome)

May I recommend...

Check out this Blog!!!!

The Name Game

Harder than you think! Every answer must start with the first letter of your first name!

First name : Candace
An animal: cayote
A boys name: Caleb 
A girls name: Cassie
An occupation: Cook
A color: cyan 
Something you wear: coat 
A drink: coke
A type of food: chips
Something found in the bathroom: comb
A place: Canada 
A reason for being late: coma
Something you shout out: COME HERE