My Precious One

My precious one, my tiny one, lay down your pretty head.
My dearest one my sleepy one, its time to go to bed

My precious one, my darling one; don't let your lashes weep.
My cherished one, my weary one; it's time to go to sleep.

Just bow your head and give your cares to me.
Just close your eyes and fall into the sweetest dream, cause in my loving arms.
You're safe as you will ever be so hush my dear and sleep.

And in your dreams you'll ride on angels' wings.
Dance with the stars and touch the face of god
And if you should awake...

My precious one, my tiny one, I'll kiss your little cheek
And underneath the smiling moon
I'll send you back to sleep.

Miracle

You're my life's one Miracle,
Everything I've done that's good
And you break my heart with tenderness,
And I confess it's true
I never knew a love like this till you....

You're the reason I was born
Now I finally know for sure
And I'm overwhelmed with happiness
So blessed to hold you close
The one that I love most
With all the future has so much for you in store
Who could ever love you more?

The nearest thing to heaven,
You're my angel from above
Only God creates such perfect looooove

When you smile at me, I cry
And to save your life I'll die
With a romance that is pure heart,
You are my dearest part
Whatever it requires,
I live for your desires
Forget my own, needs will come before
Who could ever love you more?

Well there is nothing you could ever do,
To make me stop, loving you
And every breath I take,
Is always for your sake
You sleep inside my dreams and know for sure
Who could ever love you more?

Potty Training

I take a lot of heat on my way of dealing with my Children's Diapers and Potty Training. WHY people are so invested in THIS particular point of my parenting, I will never understand. People, there are soooo many WAY more important things in YOUR life to worry about than how I change a diaper, or if I call my husband home from work (which again is BS) to do it, and how I potty train my children. You are WAY to bored if you have nothing better to do.

The facts are that my system works for us. Sorry that it's not working for you.... oh wait, who gives a F? It doesn't affect YOU one bit!!!!!!!!!!!

My Children and I don't need to cater to you. We don't need to make you happy or comfortable. We have it under control.

We are getting it done, and it's not causing us severe stress.

When I HAVE tried to cater to others ideas is when we get stressed out. Worrying about what other people think I should be doing is where we run into problems. SO, Abby will be potty trained when she is ready. And if I force her to potty train any sooner than that, we are going to have a recipe for guaranteed disaster. I would LIKE her to be potty trained before Oct. But the facts are, that she just might NOT be. And I would rather we took it slow than have undue stress over the poop on the carpet that didn't need to be there.

Names

My Children come with their names, I just have to listen until I hear what it is, and then put it on paper. Glad this one let me know ;-) I HATE going much farther into this trying to figure it out!

If you ever wonder about what time in the pregnancy the Spirit is indisputably present, I'd say this is about that time. I've never been more than 25 weeks in before the name was obvious.

Ginger

It's funny that I haven't said a word about you or to you in over a month. And it's never been unkind. I SAW the conversations about me. Where YOU insulted ME. I've never said anything negative to or about you. If you disagree, show me the proof.

I look in the mirror every day and ask "What do I need to change." And you may think I need to change a whole lot, but interestingly enough, I haven't been around you since before Christmas. And I PROMISE you that I haven't spoken to any of your friends, except Ashley and Shannon since then. And I can show you hard proof of what I did or didn't say about you.

So, while you rant and rave and call me names, I haven't done ANYTHING.

Oh, and call me whatever you want.... LEAVE MY CHILDREN ALONE!

Parents

The past 4 days or so have been incredibly challenging.

It has been so reassuring to know how I feel about my children. And that I am God's child. And that He is a better parent than I am. That if you take all of the qualities of the best parents and multiply them to perfection, those are the qualities He possesses.

Which means that He cares about how hurt I am right now than I would if it was one of my children. That parent who says "You had better not hurt one of my children" is a mortal glimpse of how God would feel about it.

I GET that that means that offenses committed by me upon my fellow "Siblings" are just as harshly frowned upon.

And I pledge to do better at treating them right DAILY.

It is just so wonderful to know that I have a Parent who loves me more that I love my OWN children.

Gratitude: Day 4

I am Grateful to have my Children all with me.

Gratitude: Day 3

I am grateful for four children who are all sweet as can be and different from each other! Each one brings such a fresh approach to life!

Combining Airports and Passion.... anyone else would prolly be embarrassed

OK sooooo

David flew to Salt Lake this afternoon to attend a KISS Concert. He flew because it was free (he had a voucher).

I had a Passion Parties order that needed to go to Salt Lake. Therefore I separated everything into sacks so he wouldn't have to figure out who got what. And packed the only suitcase I had easily available (Strawberry Shortcake, of COURSE) with the sacks. I then was advised by Ginger and Amanda that I absolutely COULD NOT do that (send him with a SS suitcase full of sex toys and lotions to be searched by security) to my Poor Husband.... and they had a good point.

David however was "fine" (his words) with it. So, I bought a good TSA approved lock, and took him along with his Carry on and the SS suitcase (which we knew would have to be checked due to it's large amount of fluid contents) to the RS Airport. And we got there too late to check the suitcase.

So, he called me to come into the airport and yes, the TSA People (with rubber gloves, thank HEAVEN) very considerately opened the suitcase and went through the items to see what could go and what had to stay. Let me reiterate that they were GREAT! They didn't open ANY of the packages, just the sacks, and let EVERYTHING that was not liquid, gel, or aerosol go into David 's backpack, and then gave me the rest... along with the suitcase :-) They told us that if it had been checked, it wouldn't have been an issue. They didn't seem to think ANYTHING about the SS suitcase (whew ;-) but did get a kick out of the fact that it was all Passion Parties items (we offered them a catalog ;-)

Oh, did I mention that the RS Airport is TINY? There was ONE line for security which consisted of 2 TSA agents and 1 Police Officer. All 3 seemed amused at the contents of the suitcase. But again were AWESOME about it.

Meanwhile, the 2 Prop Plane idled just out the back door, and David and his backpack had to walk out on the tarmac to climb aboard with the other TWO passengers. (in the time it took them to scan and remove all of the stuff, I'll BET they could have thrown the suitcase into the cargo hold of the plane)

I had to leave the kids in the van, and the Poor Things thought I was leaving on a plane too. I had to explain that I'd be just a couple of minutes.... but when I got back, Jacob was adamant about me not doing ANYTHING that appeared as though I was doing anything BUT driving them AND myself away from the Airport.

Sooo, that was our adventure today.

Philadelphia and Life Choices

David and I just watched the movie "Philadelphia" with Tom Hanks. Movies that I have seen as a Teen/Young Adult have a totally different impact now that I am a Parent. Watching Philadelphia reiterates how much I just want My Children to be safe. I have said before that while the idea of My Girls coming home and telling me as a Teen that they are pregnant is not pleasant, it's not pregnancy that I worry about, it's them being unsafe and through one moment of recklessness, catching a life altering illness and paying for it with their life. Fortunately, the methods that prevent such disease also prevent unwanted pregnancy.

I look back at my life choices, and there are some that were just so needlessly stupid, and even reckless. And all of them have affected the opportunities I've had and the way my life has ultimately turned out. And for this reason, I wouldn't change them Per Se. I would however prefer the easier way to the end result by way of making wiser decisions. But "C'est la vie, Ainsi va la vie."

I have come to realize that some of our best decisions, and the ones that matter most, are often ones so impactual that we question them EVERY day. I questioned the choice to not marry a certain young man for years. Questioned my choice to marry David. To Divorce David. To Remarry David. To have my 4 children.... to or to not have more. And the final decisions in all that I have seen some sort of end result, I have to say were the right decision. But I question them still because the effects are that life changing.

I am grateful for the influence of God in my life. I am grateful for the faith I have that has helped me to persevere despite my questioning. I am grateful for the choice I made to be with David.... and to divorce him... then to be with him again.

I am grateful for every Baby I have, and do NOT feel that I am done. Therefore, I am grateful that both David and I are willing to NOT put a period where The Lord seems to have just put a comma.

I seriously hope that I will be able to instill in My Children the need to be safe... above all. I pray for their safety through the tough decisions they will make. And I pray that in the end, they will be as satisfied as I am with the end result.

My WORST fear

The other day (Sept 11th to be exact) David and I were talking. I had made it all day without getting too emotionally involved in the day. I mean, it was a TRAGEDY of epic proportions, but I was lucky enough to be 2000 miles away and NONE of my Family or Friends were directly affected by it.... except for those who were in the military and that was only through having to be deployed.... which still was HARD, but a different hard than dying or losing someone in the towers.

Any how....

When we sat down and were talking, he started telling me stories about things he'd seen on tv about that day. And they were detailed stories from people who were there .

TOO much!

Not because I can't handle it..... normally.

But because I take it in and personalize it.

What if there is a situation where MY CHILDREN are in a death trap like that?

That lead my thoughts to: What if we have a situation where I have to save My Children from a fire, or other life or death situation?

Then I start thinking: Maybe I shouldn't have another Baby because that means 1 more that I could lose track of, not be able to save in an emergency, or have in a death trap.

I am not a doomsday type.... normally. But I AM a "Be prepared for an emergency, Realist."

So, by the time the conversation was over, I was in tears.

My WORST fear is losing one of My PRECIOUS Children. I'm selfish when it comes to that. I know my heart would break so TOTALLY that recovering would be insanely impossible!

Beating myself up

A REALLY Good Friend of mine commented just now on not beating myself up about the things that happen to my Kids that are out of my control.

And something that brought up is that I DON'T beat myself up. Over ANYTHING. It's OTHERS who do that.

A HUGE portion of the things that cause me anxiety are OTHER peoples' reactions to things. I am surprisingly good at taking things in stride. But others seem to not only NOT be able to do that, but are good at interfering and projecting their issues on me.

For example: Jacob or one of My Girls are mis behaving, upset, or just making a lot of noise. I am happy to ignore the behavior or discipline the behavior if necessary, but others seem to get involved, and it alters the way I am able to deal with it.

Random way to POP out of my Funk!

At the beginning of August, the wards in our Stake were rearranged and things were moved around so that we now meet in the Stake Center @ 9 am and have about 100 "new" members in our ward. Our Family has not made it to church since then until today. I am in the nursery, so this change meant new children, and a new nursery room.

Well, I don't know what it was exactly, but something just POPPED me out of my funk. I think it was a combination of things. I went and bought some new clothes this past week. Clothes that fit a little better and are more flattering. I also took a little personal "grooming" time before Sacrament Meeting this morning to put on make up, and make sure my eyebrows weren't unkempt.

And then there's the handful of people in my life who have made me feel like a million $... and most of them are NEW additions in my life. That combined with how I have been feeling about my children, and how lucky I am to have them.

I also have seemed to find good balance between assertive and aggressive. And I like who I am.

It just did it. And it was like one of my Friends who has been observing this past year finally felt like it was safe to say "your life has SUCKED the past little while." Because it just DOESN'T any more.

Support me. Believe in me.

I have really struggled with the support/lack of I receive from the people I am close to. My Mom, and David are so supportive..... SOMETIMES.

My Mom fascinates me. I don't think she has any idea what kind of a difference it would make if she had a little more faith in me. We were talking tonight for the 1st time in almost a week (since I told her I was going to the Passion Party and she got all "judgmental" on me). And I dropped the "bomb" that I KNOW she hates. Why, I don't understand. But it doesn't matter if it's the 1st or 5th Child. But I told her I want to get pregnant again.

Now, I KNOW I'm not the World's Best Mom. But I also know that I am FAR from the worst. I LOVE My Children. They KNOW I love them. I am upfront and honest about what I feel and think..... but even beyond that. I make SURE that I show them every day. I tell them that I am not perfect, but that I love them and will no matter what. I don't withhold affection. I dote on them.... TO them. I expect them to treat each other and others with respect, and despite my imperfections, I try really hard to set the example. There is NOTHING that I do that doesn't have their best interest in mind. I believe that for the most part, they all fell safe, loved, appreciated, and that they are in an environment where they can be THEM and feel secure in that.

And with our belief system, I feel like there are more Children meant for our Family.

And My Mom of all people SHOULD understand that. And it'd be different if this was how she reacted after I'd had a few. But she reacted this exact same way when it was Elizabeth I was announcing my pregnancy with.

Then there's David. He is so perfect for me when we're getting along. But he resists change... even though he says he wants it.

When we separated and ultimately divorced, he was really fighting me on the whole food storage thing. And now, he's a firm believer. He's currently SERIOUSLY resisting the schedule idea. I have no doubt that in time he'll come to see the benefits. Just as he did the food storage.

I am a dreamer. I am a striver. I see things in the future that I WANT, and I begin working for them. As I've said before, my "Good Luck" follows an "If you build it, it will come" pattern. So I have learned to "dress for the job I want" rather than be satisfied dressing for the "job I have." I love My Family, and I want them to have the best chance for success in ALL the attempt.