Theatricality

After my day of posts yesterday.... which I actually didn't expect anyone to read.... I thought I needed to blog some more.

You see, there was a part in one of my posts where I called my Ex a "Slut." Now the ONLY reason that word even came to mind was because the quote from Glee was in my head where Emma says "You're a Slut, Will..." So, that came from that.

And my need to "beat a dead horse"... It's not enough that I killed it, I have to make sure it's done and gone! Or in other words, "It's not enough to douse yourselves with gasoline, you have to light yourselves on fire....", well, I am nothing if not thorough.

But you see, there is that theatricality behind it all.

Not that I need attention.... I admit that I used to, but that has toned down. More than I need the attention now, I need the expression. I need to express myself till every drop is squeezed out before I'm satisfied.

So, though I prolly Pissed a few people off with my posts yesterday, and others got a bit of a slap in the face or their feelings hurt.... that's not what my posts were about. They were about a flood of feelings, and the need to squeeze every last drop of emotion on the topic into my post because THEN and only then do I feel relief. It's about the theatricality.

Here's the thing: Words themselves are theatrical for me. Life is theatrical for me.

Because theatricality is not about simply performing. EVERY word has more than a 1 dimensional meaning. Life is not 1 dimensional. And that's where I get into trouble.

VERY few people I know have the ability to see past that first dimension of the word and they find that first dimension offensive. Whereas the 2nd, and 3rd may not be.

Take what I said in one of my posts: "She's STUPID!" Is not a nice thing to say 1 dimensional. But 2nd dimensional, it's not quite as bad. She's not stupid in the sense that she in unintelligent, or less of a person. But she has the power in her hands to change the things she doesn't like, or go after the things she needs, and yet she mourns the things she "wants" but doesn't have, and doesn't see the bigger picture.... meanwhile, what if the answer's just past the haze of self actualization of her fears. She is so focused on the problem that the solution eludes her. Making her "Stupid."

Then there is the fact that I play on words and situations almost constantly.

For example: Yesterday I took David his clothes and as I was entering the room he was in, I told him something and he stared at me blankly. So, I spoke loudly, clearly and like he was an idiot... or a "Foreign Exchange student named Sunshine....." And at the end of what I had to tell him, I finished with "Glee Club is Fun. Swaying in the background can be fun..... You like me very much!" When you're in on it, it's fun. When you're outside looking in, I sound like a JERK!

And that was actually one thing that David and I struggled with before. He didn't realize that even when things were tense I was usually being theatrical vs serious. I might say something that fit our situation but was a quote from something else. Then HE would respond harshly, and by the time I could explain what I had meant by it, we'd be fighting.

So stop doing it, you say?

Well, my mind doesn't work quite like that.

But now that we have worked through that, we actually have fun with it.

My mind races a million miles a second, but I can't always pull the the information I NEED from it at the moment I need it, so I say what comes to mind.

Clear as mud?

Basically, I am in capable of thinking in the box or on a 1 dimensional level. I've seen outside of the box, and can't pretend that there isn't more out there. I've seen the other dimensions to things and can't view them as flat anymore.... "What's the next step?"

With him, it's always: "Sophie, what's the next step?"

Another thing I've realized is that life is really a stage production. Therefore, by definition, life IS Theatrical.

We choreograph our days, dance around situations and people, and break into song (arguments, love making, you name it) randomly throughout. If you look at it that way, I would dare say it's MUCH easier to take things in stride.

SOOOO, here's to being theatrical. May it carry you through the days of your life.

It's what keeps me going.

A sense of humor PLEASE!

Some people go through life completely VOID of a sense of humor.... or being able to laugh at themselves.

I feel AMAZINGLY sorry for these people!

I guess I have just had to live my life laughing at myself.... Lord KNOWS I have enough mishaps, dramatic moments, etc that I had better have a sense of humor!

I can't even IMAGINE where I would be without it. I would be MISERABLE if I couldn't see something funny in the tragedy that my life clings to.

Fortunately, I am one who can also see the silver lining in almost every situation.

I was really proud of myself the other day when David said "don't worry about _____" and completely at odds with what I usually do, I just didn't worry... and not only did it turn out fine, but I felt so much LESS stressed out in the interim.

Philadelphia and Life Choices

David and I just watched the movie "Philadelphia" with Tom Hanks. Movies that I have seen as a Teen/Young Adult have a totally different impact now that I am a Parent. Watching Philadelphia reiterates how much I just want My Children to be safe. I have said before that while the idea of My Girls coming home and telling me as a Teen that they are pregnant is not pleasant, it's not pregnancy that I worry about, it's them being unsafe and through one moment of recklessness, catching a life altering illness and paying for it with their life. Fortunately, the methods that prevent such disease also prevent unwanted pregnancy.

I look back at my life choices, and there are some that were just so needlessly stupid, and even reckless. And all of them have affected the opportunities I've had and the way my life has ultimately turned out. And for this reason, I wouldn't change them Per Se. I would however prefer the easier way to the end result by way of making wiser decisions. But "C'est la vie, Ainsi va la vie."

I have come to realize that some of our best decisions, and the ones that matter most, are often ones so impactual that we question them EVERY day. I questioned the choice to not marry a certain young man for years. Questioned my choice to marry David. To Divorce David. To Remarry David. To have my 4 children.... to or to not have more. And the final decisions in all that I have seen some sort of end result, I have to say were the right decision. But I question them still because the effects are that life changing.

I am grateful for the influence of God in my life. I am grateful for the faith I have that has helped me to persevere despite my questioning. I am grateful for the choice I made to be with David.... and to divorce him... then to be with him again.

I am grateful for every Baby I have, and do NOT feel that I am done. Therefore, I am grateful that both David and I are willing to NOT put a period where The Lord seems to have just put a comma.

I seriously hope that I will be able to instill in My Children the need to be safe... above all. I pray for their safety through the tough decisions they will make. And I pray that in the end, they will be as satisfied as I am with the end result.

A Little Help from my Friends

Can't even believe today. It started fine. We even made it to the park. Of course then the weather got chilly and looked stormy, and it was all down hill from there. But Fortunately, the things that went wrong were only surface.... all though they stung. We got a call saying that the job in Alaska is on hold for the time being. HOWEVER, when they DO interview, David is at the top of the list. BUT that could be June, or it could be February. And while having 2 parents available 24/7 is sure a lot easier than ONE parent, it doesn't do much for our financial plans ;-).

So, then I had a coupon for a free 48 oz carton of ice cream at Smith's that I just HAD to use. And some how, thanks to shallow pockets, I not only lost the COUPON, but $20 (we only had $40) as well. Which SUCKED because we had really been trying to be conservative. Since I went to a movie, I gave up my book (s) that I really want to get. So, that FREE ice cream actually cost us $25.

I come home, and yeah, it sucks ROYALLY that we're stuck possibly even LONGER in this situation, PLUS down $20, BUT David and I are getting along, the kids are doing realitively well, and when I have this kind of luck, I usually end up in jail and that ALWAYS costs us a MIN of $150.... so $20 isn't so bad in relation.

I'm really seeing the glass as half full, but really the only word to describe my thoughts is "SHIT!" ( which I said over and over again as I scoured Smith's for my missing $ and coupon)

And even though I actually apologized UPFRONT for my "abrasive" language, it's MY page, and I wanted to share "Shit!" ;-)

But there always has to be that ONE person, who not only doesn't understand the "pain" but has to make it about THEM. So, one of my Friends from HS, gets offended, and handles it ok, but NOT how the situation NEEDED to be handled. And Ginger hit it RIGHT on the head when she said that the person "...really knows how to pump a girl up when she's down, don't she? Maybe Terrenna should hide your status's if she don't like 'em. :D And I say this with love..." EXACTLY! I needed to be "pumped up" and EVERYONE could either see that and show their support, or see it enough to know NOT to get openly offended. So here I am trying to show Terrenna that I understand, but what she said didn't help any, and she goes one step farther and gets openly offended about offending me.

Meanwhile, I am trying to get in touch with My Mom. Who is not answering her phone or her door even though her car is home. My half full glass was draining REAL fast.

But seriously. Ginger came to the rescue so thoroughly. Because all I really needed was someone to understand. Then Kim. And David was GOLDEN. Then when I DID finally get a hold of My Mom, even she was above and beyond.

And I learned a few valuable lessons.... or rather had them emphasized since I've kind of learned them a bit ago:

1) I have a pretty positive attitude.
2) I am VERY blessed.
3) Education is Key. Terrenna could only be so offended over something so small because she lives in a box.
4) The TRUE show of someone's self esteem is how they treat people when they are hurt. Someone with a low self esteem will try to bring others down to their level, while someone with a healthy self esteem will HATE the thought of someone else feeling the way they currently feel and will try to elevate others.... which is the only REAL medicine for feeling bad about yourself, and pays off.
5) Along with #4, there are things, situations, what have you, that you can only understand if you've experienced it. And people will normally not take your word for it on THESE situations because they SEEM like a gamble. However these situations have "circle" type remedies: You feel bad about yourself, so you try to help someone else, rather than wallow. This leads to a sense of making a difference, which boosts YOUR feeling of self worth, which leads to a higher self esteem, which leads to more contribution. Love works the same way. So does helping/taking care of others.

All I ever need to know, I learned on HOUSE

Mondays episode of house was enlightening combined with the night David and I had Tues.

I realized something very important:

Fights, arguments, disagreements, not always being happy with eachother is part of LIFE. It just is. That's part of what loving someone is all about. You see, a lot of arguments are misunderstandings that occur when someone in the relationship is trying to meet a need in their partner, but not quite getting it. But that's the key: They are trying. Both partners may be trying, and just not getting it. And sometimes a fight occurs. But again: They are BOTH trying. And I am learning that is exactly what matters. Not that every itch each person has gets scratched every time. Not that the person adequately meets EVERY need. But that they love you enough to have making an effort as a constant thought. That they give up comforts for your comfort. And you in return reciprocate the effort. If you are with someone who doesn't even try, it's a totally different story.

But there are very few "unforgivable" sins in a marriage. Cheating is definitely on the list. As well as REAL abuse of ANY family member. But misunderstandings are not and should not be the grounds for not being able to work it out. Because you can both take time to "cool off" and come back and simply be done.

When somone offends us

Something that was mentioned to me the other day, is that often when somone gets offended by something we say, or I guess really takes something we say as critical, it is usually because they fear the truth in it. They may already think poorly of themselves in that aspect, and so obviously your "confirming" that they contain this flaw. It's like Laman and Lemuel in the Book of Mormon. They didn't like what they heard from God or Nephi and Lehi, because they knew it was true... or that they truly DID have things that they needed to change about themselves.

People who refuse to come back to church because someone said something that "offended" them are a good example of this. Let me tell you, if I were to stop going to church because someone said something that "Offended" me, I'd have gone inactive.... and prolly left completely YEARS ago.

However, I believe that I am the kind of person that can take what someone says, and pull the constructive part out and use it to become a better "Me," and then throw the rest away.... thereby going on with my life without any serious damage being done by ignorant people.

It's like the situation with Adam Peeples. He said things to me, that after examination, I could use to improve the person I am. My problem with him is not that he said things to me I didn't like. It is because he is a hypocrit.... he wanted to hang me for "crimes" he himself is "guilty" of. It's the core of who he is that offends me, vs the words he has said to me. And even so, I would prolly have left it at simply disliking him, if he were an individual. But he then decided to run for office. And I'm sorry, but we have enough garbage in the political system as it is. As a God Fearing American, if I don't stand up for what I believe in when I see a politician further trying to corrupt the system, then I cannot complain when they change the way things are and I don't like the country I live in. So that is my reasoning there. NOT because he said something I didn't like.... but because he is threatening my home with the yuckiness that permeates him to the core.

Which brings me to the flipside of being offended.

There are those times, when we are honest with ourselves, and we a in tune with our SOULS, that something truly offends us...... our core, not our ears. These are the things that we SHOULD act to remove from our lives. Not to get overly religious, but just as Jesus overturned the Money Changers' tables in the New Testament. This was something that offended his Soul, not his ears or his ego.

We should be secure and in tune with ourselves to be able to REALLY turn our back on the things that offend our Souls. And at the same time secure and confident enough with ourselves to push through the stuff that offends our ears and ego, taking what we need to be better from it, and throwing out the rest.

One other point I want to make with this: If someone like Adam were to come to me, and sincerely be different and willing to make a go at being Friends, I would never turn my back on him. It is his actions, not HIM that I have a problem with. There are a few others that fit into this category. Jesus made it a point to have a problem with the sin not the "sinner". I try to do the same. I do not hold grudges. I do however believe in protecting myself and the ones I love from getting "hit by the same truck over and over."

The "Starting" Line up

I'm a Field of Dreams sort of person. I have learned from my own experiences that I seem to be set up on a "If you Build it..." course.

SO, here's what I am presenting:

David will either get the job in Alaska, or Libya. We will be buying a house either in Tooele, Ut or just outside of Anchorage, Ak.

We will have 3 more children, 2 Girls and 1 Boy:

Prudence Nicole
Arabella Hope (Bella) : Twin A
David Benjamin (Ben) : Twin B

Wish me LUCK!

There it is...... we'll see how it plays out ;-)

(And if ANY of you steal my name's, you WILL feel my wrath ;-)

AMEN Sister

Ginger, I have to warn you right now: You are soooo inspiring that you might just have to deal with me feeding off of your words and turning many of them into my own.

Ginger just wrote a blog about Women when it comes to their nature... as apposed to Men and theirs.

Women are designed to nurture. We are designed to protect life. We are designed to care more about the well being of those we nurture than our selves. Men protect and provide, but very few even have the ability to nurture on the level that a real Woman can.

However, if you threaten the things that a Woman has nurtured... her children, her home, her core, it can get incredibly ugly.

IT IS SOOOOO TRUE!!!!!!!!

That is one of the things I cannot agree with more! And believe it or not, society as a whole has lost sight of this. However, if a Woman is worth ANYTHING, she as stated above. And Men need to put their faith and effort into supporting and even defending this in the Women they love.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I have in my care 4 of the most precious treasures in the world. I own a gun for this exact reason, and I WILL use it if they are threatened. And I don't just fight for their physical safety... but for the home that makes them feel safe and secure and provides for their emotional safety as well.

DO NOT VOTE FOR ADAM PEEPLES!!!!!

All of you Wonderful Magna Residents (or ANYONE in District 22) PLEASE do not vote for Adam Peeples in the upcoming election! Trust me, he is NOT the person he was in High School, and I Believe he is a VERY bad choice to represent the People of Utah!

If he was running as a Democrat. Or even a Liberal, it might be totally different! However, he is not. He is running as a Conservative Republican. His views are not Conservative AT ALL!!!!!! which means that he does not have the same view on things that he is advertising or as the people he is wanting to represent. The problem with this is a simple conflict of interest. He will represent what HE believes. Period. And if it is not the same as what the people he represents believe, then THEY, not HE are just out of luck.

He advertises that if you know him, then you know what he believes. And if you don't, then ask around. Well, I THOUGHT I knew him, but what I KNOW he believes is NOT what conservative Utahns believe. And what I was unclear on, I DID ask around. And have been harrassed, and attacked for it. I even went to people who could give me the truth vs gossip.... his Fiance, and Sister. And was accused of being a "Spy" for his ex wife... who I have NEVER met. When I finally got a chance to speak to HIM, after being shunned for a few YEARS, I told him that I meant no harm.... simply wanted to know the facts from the fiction (I had heard a lot of gossip, and wanted to know the truth.) Now, I have lost several friends for an honest mistake.... or really no mistake, I was simply asking for truth, NOT PASSING ON GOSSIP.

You DO NOT want Adam representing you! He will not tell you the truth. He will not represent YOUR ideals. And he will try to shut up or shut out ANYONE who tries to learn more than he wants people to know. This is fine for an individual. NOT for someone who is supposed to be representing YOUR Honest Christian values and virtues!

Learning Part II

So along with what I wrote last night, I am actually learning the lessons involved in the trials as well. I'm learning how to back off and play nice even when I don't WANT to be the Peace Maker. But I once read an entry in the Ensign where a Woman realized that she'd rather be Married than "Right."

My Family is soooo important to me. And all that it entales. We have had to fight evil for our Family to be together. And we are going to win.

Just as we start to make progress and get a "leg up," Satan turns up the volume. And he knows just where to hit us. And it works 99% of the time. But we are learning to take the hit, and not let it mortally wound us. We are also gettting better at keeping our Armor strong: building our testimonies, keeping the Spirit in our home, going to church, saying our prayers, etc. And that protection makes a difference.

I thought about it last night.... because whatever lesson needs to be learned, we need this trial our Family has been facing for the past 7 months to be OVER! And I realized that if I am not willing to learn anything from it, then what's the point. I kept thinking last night about whether David had learned HIS lessons. Who BLOODY cares what HE has learned. I can make all the difference if I have learned. And that is exactly what is going to happen. I am going to learn and practice the things I need to and that is going to make a world of difference.

I'll tell you though that this has been one unproductive week. We have taken two very well planned hits and even though we survived very well, it takes some major recovery. Sad, huh? Like I said they are well planned by the adversary. SOOOO all of the packing, and organizing I had planned for this week is taking a back seat to recovering emotionally. But I know The Lord plans and allows for this, and it's just a matter of getting our Family through this.

Learning

Boy do I understand what they mean about Life being like school.

There are trademark "signs" I've learned to recognize when David and I aren't getting along. A fight is on the horizon when A) One of us has gone a significant amount of time since eating last. B) One or both of us is feeling dehydrated, or C) One or both of us is overly tired.

It sounds so "Easy" like "Duh, of course you're going to be cranky." But it's like saying "Just don't fight." It's incredibly easier to say than to do.

It's so frustrating too. I have LEARNED what to watch for. And with pretty precise accuracy, I can tell you with in a few words if we are heading for a fight or not.

And the actions that automatically follow on my part are unmistakable. As SOON as I feel threatened, I do an assessement. And usually put the keys to the van, as well as any cash lying around in a safe "hiding" spot.

This is irrational for the "normal" couple. But you see, I have been in this situation WAY too many times and seen the domino affect that follows.

David has gotten better... for the most part. But so many people just cannot understand. You see, I have been in situations with him, where his anger has overridden his common sense, compassion and all of the other emotions that compell him to stay calm and not want to harm me.

I have seen him do some really illogical stuff when he's angry. He's also threatened to do things that scare me on levels most people don't understand.

I've had to choose between my Children before. He has shut me in a room with 1, 2, or 3 of them and made it so that if I wanted to get to the Child (ren) on the other side of the door, I'd have to leave the ones I was already with. I don't do well with this.

He's threatened to cut me off financially, or taken my car so that I couldn't go anywhere without going on foot.

Don't get me wrong: Things HAVE gotten better. They are rarely that bad since the divorce. And even the "bad" episodes aren't that bad anymore. But it's a reflex now when I see that things COULD head that direction, I automatically begin a routine that guarantees the safest outcome for the Children and myself.

Tonight was one of those nights. It has turned out FINE. The keys to the van however are tucked away nice and safe.....

And THEN, as David and I are talking, he mentions that he is feeling dehydrated. And it's one of those "Ah-ha" moments, where I should have guessed.