What bothers me the most

I realized this past week what bothers me the very most about the fact that Ginger turned out to be a crappy friend.

It's not that she turned into a crappy Friend. It's that she's been a crappy Friend in Awesome Friend clothing for a while before finally being "true" to form.

Which doesn't just make her a crappy Friend. I would say it officially classifies her as a crappy PERSON!

She is still a Child of God. She still has good qualities. I won't make a laundry list of her problems and faults and what I think of her like she did me.

She's still wrong about me.

And I still have no excuse to be unkind.

But the fact that she can make that list, do it the way she did.... I've been asking her for MONTHS to tell me privately what she was so upset about, and say such awful and untrue things. Not to mention all of the side comments she has been making for almost a year now, not "acknowledging my existence", and griping so much about what an awful person I am (suggestion here: If your husband is tired of hearing you complain about someone, stop complaining and find something positive to talk about. Taking me out of the equation doesn't stop the complaining, it just means you have to complain about something else) to her husband among others.... Certainly doesn't make her the kind of person that I would want to be like.

I have apologized to her MANY times. I apologize to people that I hurt or wrong, whether it be my Children, Husband, Friend, or others. I have and always will stand by those apologies.

But I will say that I shouldn't be the only one apologizing.

And because I have apologized, and because I truly stand by what I have said about the Atonement, and the fact that it makes it wrong for me to slander her and others the way she did me. I won't go off on her mistakes, flaws, issues, and parenting blunders. I won't list the things she is too lazy to do, the way she treats people...including her husband and children, the self esteem issues that she smothers in food and spending, the repressed emotions that lead her to be so critical of others mistakes and so unforgiving, how she interacts with old boyfriends, etc.

I will however say that there are many people that I have reason to be upset with after the past few weeks, and she is the one who I think has the most that she isn't honest about.

So, while her posts that smear me from one side of the manure corral to the other hurt, I'm sure it must be AMAZINGLY therapeutic for her to FINALLY be honest and upfront about who she is and how she thinks. Rather than coating it in her usual passive/aggressive Charade

The TRUTH in relationships

The truth of it is this. ANY one sided relationship will not last. I've thought about this a lot this week. And it's not just relationships where one person seems to do all the giving. But the flip side where one person will give but REFUSES to allow the other to give back.

It's not because the person who is giving and refusing to take gets worn out from always giving that the relationship doesn't make it. It's because there is a REASON the person will not accept returned effort. I have noticed in all of the friendships I have had go down the drain this past week... and unfortunately, they have been plentiful, there was a common denominator. These were friendships where my efforts, help, resources were not acceptable as contribution.

Letting someone "Serve" you builds THEM up. It creates a bond. It gives the relationship value.

I'm seeing a pattern that I didn't catch onto in it's entirety until now.

There are fundamental reasons to NOT allow someone to do things for you. ESPECIALLY in a situation where YOU are doing things for THEM. It is because YOU A) Do not WANT to have any reason to feel a bond with them, B) because you want to "look" like a good person, but really you're not quite as genuine and nice as you want people to think you are. C) You flat out do NOT Value them. D) The LAST thing you want, when you are going to be mean and hurtful is to have any type of voice in the back of your mind that says "How could you treat them like that when they did x,y, and Z for you."

And now that I get this, I know a warning sign early on. Rather than spending several years on a one sided friendship like the one with Ginger. A friendship where I appreciated her so much! I didn't know what I would do without her. But she did not reciprocate that gratitude because there wasn't a whole lot I ever did for her. Not because I didn't TRY. I would have bent over BACKWARDS for her. She didn't have any reason to miss or value our friendship, she was out nothing.

I asked Stephanie about this. "You almost seem to CRINGE when I offer to do things for you." Her response was "As far as me not accepting your help on things im not much for accepting help." And I call BS! That's not likely to be the case. And I'll tell you FLAT out that I have learned since then that most likely her aversion to help is for EXACTLY the reasons I listed. She doesn't want to feel indebted to people. Because then, she can't cut ties at will without feeling guilty.

So I'm going to lay it out there.

Your willingness to help me when I ask, but not take help back, is just like the others. It says all of the things that I listed above. A) You Do not WANT to have any reason to feel a bond with me, B) because you want to "look" like a good person, but really you're not quite as genuine and nice as you want people to think you are. C) You flat out do NOT Value me. and D) The LAST thing you want, when you are going to be mean and hurtful is to have any type of voice in the back of your mind that says "How could you treat them like that when they did x,y, and Z for you."

I will NOT get into one sided friendships or relationships anymore. The first time I see the sign that you would bend over backwards for me, but not let me return the favor, I'm OUT!

Lost Virtues

Forgiveness is so UNDER rated now a days. I've said it before, and I'll say it again.... so is Empathy!

If one could see the effects of their actions through another's eyes. Feel the effects through another's heart, Would they be so hasty as to wound and judge.

I realized something last night. That those of my Friends who know the WHOLE story, are still around. While those who only know 2/3rds are not.

I believe it may mean that A) Those who have been told the whole story are able to grasp a deeper level of truth and existence, there by making them more understanding, and less likely to judge what takes place on the surface. Or B) I am really hard to understand, and those who know the whole story have all the pieces which makes understanding me and the situation easier. Or Both.

What's interesting is that I write it all down. If you're reading this you have either heard the stories first hand, heard the stories second hand, or read about them in this blog. It's ALL here. But those who I have not DIRECTLY told, don't seem to know it.

I hide NOTHING. I protect myself as much as I can while keeping to what I feel is MY code of ethics: Integrity.

I have nothing to hide, thus I hide NOTHING. I WILL protect my family though, and if you pose a threat, I will NOT give you ammunition.

I guess you could say that I speak in parables often. So, I guess those who have ears to hear, and eyes to see, do. And those who have not the fortitude to discern, miss out.

Back to the original point. Why are forgiveness and empathy so difficult to come by?

I try to understand others perspective, and judge liberally vs rashly. (do NOT misunderstand. I admit freely that I can REACT rashly. But to actually have that action be my final judgement is RARE)

And I've noticed that forgiveness is an INCREDIBLY rare commodity. People hold the smallest offenses over you eternally now days. But I am realizing that people who can't forgive others almost NEVER have the ability to forgive THEMSELVES. So I guess at least they're consistent on that one.

So, do not judge...leave that to God. Have empathy. And forgive.... YOURSELF and that might make it so much easier to forgive OTHERS!!!!

Whine whine whine

I'm so fascinated by people. Is common sense really so uncommon! It seems to be getting less and less "normal" for people to have some.

One thing I'm trying to work through is the people I "interact" with weekly or daily and how frustrated I am with some of the stuff that goes on.

I'm sick of people who make others feel like less.

I'm sick of people who whine about something, but refuse to do anything about it.

I'm sick of people who call themselves "Friends" but wouldn't even come to my or invite me to their parties.

That's not Friendship.

Random way to POP out of my Funk!

At the beginning of August, the wards in our Stake were rearranged and things were moved around so that we now meet in the Stake Center @ 9 am and have about 100 "new" members in our ward. Our Family has not made it to church since then until today. I am in the nursery, so this change meant new children, and a new nursery room.

Well, I don't know what it was exactly, but something just POPPED me out of my funk. I think it was a combination of things. I went and bought some new clothes this past week. Clothes that fit a little better and are more flattering. I also took a little personal "grooming" time before Sacrament Meeting this morning to put on make up, and make sure my eyebrows weren't unkempt.

And then there's the handful of people in my life who have made me feel like a million $... and most of them are NEW additions in my life. That combined with how I have been feeling about my children, and how lucky I am to have them.

I also have seemed to find good balance between assertive and aggressive. And I like who I am.

It just did it. And it was like one of my Friends who has been observing this past year finally felt like it was safe to say "your life has SUCKED the past little while." Because it just DOESN'T any more.

If you can't handle my "Shit" once in a while, maybe we shouldn't be Friends

My "Best" Friend who is NOT MORMON and who I have been Friends with since I was TEN. Is ranting and raving because I "liked" something that had the word "Shit" and "Ass" in it, and it showed up on her "Home" feed, and offended her.

SORRY, but

Shit Happens! And it's normally accompanied by some Ass!

So excited

I have a Friend who expressed an interest in buying some of the products I sell through Passion Parties.

She is getting married in Nov so we decided she should have a party. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to afford to drive down to do the party. But we've now got enough people RSVP ing that they will or might be there that I think it'll work out just fine. :-)

So Friday Sept 3rd at lunch time, David will get off of work and we'll drive to Salt Lake. That evening, I will do her party in Tooele.

Saturday, we are fortunate enough to be able to attend a baptism for some of our most TRUE Friends' son.

Sunday, we have the Baby Blessing of My Cousin's Baby. And then off to Timpanogas to hike with our Dear Friends, and David's Brother and his family.

Home on Monday!

I am sooooo excited for that weekend!

Letter to Ginger

I'm sad that we're not the kind of Friends we've been for the past 3 years.

You're one of the ones worth having.

I don't know who's fault it is. It might be mine, it might be yours. It might simply be a case of miscommunication.

But you're one of the Friends who was with me through the marriage I had BEFORE. Then the Divorce. Through getting remarried. Through being pregnant again. And it means something to me.

You KNOW all my faults. You KNOW all the stuff that makes me human. And that's what Friendship is all about... Accepting the good AND bad about someone. That's the kind of Friendship we had.

I miss you. I miss you're Southern Diva ways. You are so good and kind hearted, and I'm sad.

I tried to tell you this once before: you've become like Family.

Special occasions are not the same without you.

Tell me what I can do. Tell me how to be your Friend again.

Thank you for all you've done for us as a Family. Your house is the only one of any of my Friends' houses where we felt so comfortable.... even David.

I'm not shallow. I promise. I just don't know what to do with the way things have been, and I'm no good at keeping my foot out of my mouth.

But NOT ONE of your acts of kindness has ever gone unnoticed. And I am sorry if you felt taken for granted.

Forgive me. Please.

Friendship

I am sad for the Friendships that are lost to me. I believe that you can never have too many Friends.

I was just reading through the Blog updates of the Blogs I follow. And I wish I could be Friends with some of the people that USE to be in my life.

They don't realize that I am interested in what's going on in their lives. They don't know how much we have in common, and how we could prolly enrich eachother's lives.

*Sigh*

I have thought a lot about my personality. I am loud, and abrasive. And I am FIERCE. And I've looked it over, and tried to change it. Only to come to the belief that I am not meant to change it.

Yes, I can always be kinder. But really, I AM a pretty loving, kind person.

Needless hurt bothers me. Whether it's me or someone else. I don't like it. And I work very hard to not inflict it on others.

I am incapable of holding a grudge.

It's NEVER happened.

But the abrasive, harsh, FIERCE side of me is CRUCIAL to who I am and what I need to accomplish.

I LOVE My Family, and I KNOW for a FACT that they know it.

My Children know that I am a safe haven.

An idea that may not fit with how you view me, but if you could be a fly on the wall in our home, you'd see. This is way to self confident of me if I didn't have HARD proof.

So, to those who I cannot convince to give me a chance, I am sorry to not be able to be your Friend.

My Commitment

I am commiting here and now that if we move outside of the Rock Springs/Green River area, I will take the things I have learned here and implement them where I relocate.

I have been so fortunate, as I have stated so many times in the past few weeks, to have a Playgroup full of Moms who truly connect and support eachother.

I believe that everyone needs that.

I really hope for this house in Tooele. It is a little ways out of the way, but it's really not all that far from the people I know in the Salt Lake ares.

This house would just provide so many opportunities. It has the room for me to be myself, take care of a large Family, have dinner parties, and do things like Playgroup and a Mom's night. I do not exagerate at ALL when I say that this house seems built just for us.

Planning a party

I plan WAY in advance for things that are improtant to me. That way we eliminate a lot of the "well, if I'd known sooner..." or, "I couldn't get it off..." People, here's 3 months notice, if you ask for it off now, then you should be ok. Sometimes, I give even more than that.

It's not easy for me to want to plan something and have things so up in the air. I hate the unknown and wondering, "If I plan this now, am I going to fall flat on my face when I can't pull it off because David's job doesn't work out/we aren't in the house we want."

But like I already said, I am a "If you build it" kind of person. The Lord seems to literally have me on that course. Because every time I do, somehow something works out. I have yet to have had to cancel an event. Something always works out... just like the "Parable of the Diamond Ring." (http://gimoosemom.blogspot.com/2009/11/parable-of-diamond-ring.html)
So, now I'm planning Jacob's 1st Birthday Party. And the people I can count on are the same as always. The same people who have always backed me up and made an effort will either be there or have a DAMN good excuse for missing it.

I knew in advance when I picked the date that Rachel and Dan prolly couldn't make it... it's Myra's Bday weekend, and I know that makes it hard. But I could have chosen the weekend before that, and would have run into Chase's Birthday weekend.... so, I tried to make it easier on everyone since I already know Deborah will prolly be having a party for Chase that weekend, where as it's not guaranteed with Myra.

So there it is. Planning an event is a multilayered thing for me. And I am IMMENSELY grateful to the WONDERFUL people who CONSITENTLY make us a priority and try to be there EVERY time! Unfortunately, it's not always our Family, and I expect this to change.

AMEN Sister

Ginger, I have to warn you right now: You are soooo inspiring that you might just have to deal with me feeding off of your words and turning many of them into my own.

Ginger just wrote a blog about Women when it comes to their nature... as apposed to Men and theirs.

Women are designed to nurture. We are designed to protect life. We are designed to care more about the well being of those we nurture than our selves. Men protect and provide, but very few even have the ability to nurture on the level that a real Woman can.

However, if you threaten the things that a Woman has nurtured... her children, her home, her core, it can get incredibly ugly.

IT IS SOOOOO TRUE!!!!!!!!

That is one of the things I cannot agree with more! And believe it or not, society as a whole has lost sight of this. However, if a Woman is worth ANYTHING, she as stated above. And Men need to put their faith and effort into supporting and even defending this in the Women they love.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I have in my care 4 of the most precious treasures in the world. I own a gun for this exact reason, and I WILL use it if they are threatened. And I don't just fight for their physical safety... but for the home that makes them feel safe and secure and provides for their emotional safety as well.