Predictable

If the person I'm thinking of still reads this blog, then this is quite predictable to them, and I hesitated on posting it for THAT reason. But I've boasted that my Blog is independent of what any one else thinks, so post I will.

This weekend we went back to Salt Lake to take Kayla, Rachel and Dan's 10 year old home after she spent the night. We had the chance to interact with some old friends. One of which was once the person I was willing to give anything and everything that mattered up to be with 15 years or so ago. My family didn't want me with him. My Bishops warned against him. And I kept on desperately wanting to be with him. And if that meant giving up my values, so be it.

I once actually expected to be with him indefinitely.

We almost had a baby.

And then it just didn't work out. It was never going to. And I gawk at the person I was then. And the way I behaved.

I now am married to one of his friends from that time period. And I have 5 children that I worried would never be mine.

And spending an evening with this other person was eye opening to say the least.

I used to be unable to NOT have some form of contact with him. For 16 years, no matter what happened, he was still on my "contact list." Cutting him off completely was never an option. Until the Blog War of October. THEN I cut contact 100%. We interact "loosely" on a site that we are both a part of, but never directly.

And to go from that to spending an evening with him was overwhelming. And I just wanted to SCREAM when it was over.

He started out alright. And I was DETERMINED to prove that I wasn't one to be anything but gracious. His presence wasn't going to be a problem. Period.

And it wasn't until throughout the night he got progressively crankier. And I was happy to stay on the other side of the room.

And then I asked a simple question. Which I GUESS was an issue for him. He evaded and then accused me of making it into more than it was.... and THEN without missing a beat went at Elizabeth for crying over something "dumb." (Which I agree was not worth crying about, but STILL that's not HIS place, it's mine.) Now get nasty with ME all you want. But I PROMISE you don't want to turn on my child. PERIOD! I WILL bite you! ;-)

Needless to say, my whole attitude toward the situation changed at that moment. And it brought up a whole bunch of irritations that I had to work out of my system.

Point to be made. He is not the person I would want to be going through this life's journey and into eternity with.

I'll bet when I was 14, many people HOPED I'd come to that conclusion before it was too late, and I'll bet many of them were afraid I never would.

Thank HEAVEN I proved them wrong!

Why I can do it

The people I have been dealing with have ONE HUGE thing in common and it goes hand in hand with the one sided relationship topic. These 2 characteristics are present in ALL of the situations I have encountered between the "Blog War" and the Play Group scenario I have been talking about.

And what both characteristics (being unable to forgive and not allowing people to do things for them) point to is one key fact: They know NOTHING about the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

You see, I don't hold grudges, because He doesn't hold one against ME.

I don't call you names, or say "Look at her... hahaha" because He doesn't do it to ME.

I don't criticize your parenting or drag up all of your past mistakes, because He over looks and forgets MINE.

I don't want to be whipped over and over for something I said a year or 3 or even a month ago. So I don't do it.

If you have "demons" that you deal with that I know about, I will keep it to myself because I have my own and would want them to not be headline news.

I won't air a laundry list of your faults and "10 things I hate about you" because it's hurtful.

And that Man who forgives me, and overlooks MY laundry list of faults wouldn't like it. It would make HIS overlooking MY faults null and void. Why should He forgive MY Humanity if I then won't forgive yours.

If you were to EVER offer me an apology, I would accept it without a second thought. If you were to ever ask for my forgiveness, I would give it to you immediately!!!!! Who am I to deny you that?

I am not perfect. If I was, I wouldn't ever rant about injustices others carry out at my expense. But being human, that is one thing I do to work through it.

But you will NEVER hear or see me saying "I don't like her because of a),b),c),d)....." In fact you will never hear me say "I don't like her." At ALL. You are a Child of God, and Jesus Christ has deemed you just as worthy of compassion and love as the next person. So who am I to call you unworthy.

That doesn't mean I won't say "This really gets under my skin right now" or "That really hurt and makes my life harder."

But then I'm over it.

If you see me on the street the next day, I won't avoid you. I won't be unkind. I won't even think of what you did that hurt me so bad.

Because HE wouldn't do that to ME.

I may have a Hundred thousand faults that make me less than perfect.

But I trust that as long as I work every day to eliminate them to the very best of my ability, HE will look past them, and welcome me when the time comes to see Him again.

Who am I to hold YOUR Hundred thousand faults against YOU!

And Who are YOU to hold mine against me?

You are NOT HIM. And HE is GOD. If God can forgive when HE has more reason and power to NOT forgive, your inability to do so implies that you are superior to HIM.

As for ME, I am soooo grateful for His mercy and forgiveness. His unconditional love despite my failures and my screw ups that I will NEVER insult His graciousness by not extending mercy and forgiveness.

I will never deny others what He so lovingly gives me.

And I promise here and now that anyone who DOES deny others that mercy and forgiveness knows NOTHING of Him.

I'm going back to public, sorry for any whiplash!

I will not live in fear. I will not be intimidated. I will not be bullied. I have nothing to hide. I was private long enough that I believe that much of the negativity and hype have had a chance to die down from what I will from here on out refer to as the "Blog War."

xoxoxox Everyone. Have a POSITIVE month full of gratitude! I for one have a TON to be grateful for and positive about!

Finding 28 things to express gratitude for will only be hard because of the SMALL number. I personally have MILLIONS of things to rejoice over!

Aftermaths can be ugly

My immune system is SHOT! Between Heidi's post and the whole miscarriage thing, I'm completely catatonic. I meant nothing harmful when I blogged the other day. And it was blown so completely out of proportion.

She complains that I'm a "Hater" but she spends the ENTIRE blog showing me exactly what a Hater looks like.

I'm hoping to get to the Temple Sat, and get some relief from everything!

Violated

This is why my blog is now VERY private! The Post is the one with "F***ing" in it

It FINALLY CLICKED

I'm done with my tirade from earlier over my Ex.

But I realized something after some time had passed between my initial frustration and now.

The TITLE of his Ex's Blog Post.

I'm pretty sure that's what got under my skin, and I didn't realize it.

You see, on top of EVERYTHING, the title was the title of a song. Not just ANY song. A song I am VERY passionate about. And that song just happens to be His and My "Song" from when the whole "baby" scenario was taking place.

I had always thought "Our Song" was "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers. And then, 4 years later, when we were on our 3rd try, he told me that he had always considered "I would do anything for Love" By Meatloaf Our song.

You have to realize exactly how Surreal that whole segment of my life was. And know that I took a job 3000 miles away, and moved JUST TO GET AWAY from him. And even THAT didn't work like I'd hoped. Our "fling" lasted YEARS beyond that. And all the while "I would do anything for Love" was the background music.

The Dream that started it all

When I was 19, I had a dream about the boy I was currently dating. In it, I was in the Jordan River Temple which at the time was just blocks from my home.

I was inside the Temple, and he was outside at the door trying to get in....which he couldn't because he didn't have a recommend ( a piece of paper from a Mormon Bishop which allows entry to any of the LDS Temples).

I went out to get him, and couldn't get back in.

What a premonition this turned out to be. I thought being in a relationship with him was the right thing and would "save" him from his rebelliousness. Not only was I WRONG but the damage the relationship did to me has been long lasting!

Feelings

My First Love is the guy who I "went out" with when I was 14. The Guy who broke my heart 3 weeks later. The guy who 2 years later came to the rescue when my heart got broken again, and then 3 months later.... yes, once again BROKE MY HEART. 2 years after THAT, he was the guy that I fell so head over heels for AGAIN that I threw away my entire core value system, and have been struggling to regain it ever since. This is the guy who because of our relationship, I experienced my first miscarriage at 19. Who I completely expected to be married to before I was 20. He was the guy who I gave up even TALKING to other guys for fear that he would get wind of it, think I was cheating, and break up with me. He is the guy I RAN away across the country from to try to regain who I was trying to become. The guy who I couldn't stay away from when I came back 18 months later, and had a torrid relationship with while his Girlfriend was waiting for him 2 blocks away. The guy I drunk called while I was in AIT. The guy who wouldn't invite me to his wedding. The guy who's house I moved into when I got home from AIT. The guy who I called one night when David was in a tirade. The guy I called when I needed to leave David and couldn't. The guy who blames me for his divorce. The guy who if it weren't for all of the years of being in this cycle with I would have never gotten to know David. The guy David hates almost as much as he hates Jared. The guy I went to when I was engaged to David a 2nd time to sort it all out.

He's VERY intelligent yet in 32 years has never found a way to use it wisely. He's addictive. He's absolute POISON to my Spiritual well being. He's my confidant of the past. But the person I couldn't even TELL I was pregnant until a year after the miscarriage.

Whew. I feel so much better.

Now we're on to his EXs. One is my Sister in law. AGH! I won't even go there!!!!!!! I love her and her family Dearly. So that is better left alone. It's been dealt with.

Then there is this ONE EX of his. She has never really been my Friend. We have circled around each other since elementary school but never cared much for one another. She has been interested in the guy I mentioned above for MANY years. They were together when David and I were divorced, and that's the closest we've ever come to being Friends. Then, I invited her to Jacob's Baby Blessing. Instead of telling me she didn't want to come, she kept deleting the invite so I thought she hadn't gotten one, and invited her 3 times before I caught on. It made me feel like an idiot, and I did NOT appreciate it. That was the end of our almost Friendship. Since then, I decided (after reading about what's been going on in her life) that I should make an effort to be her Friend. She seems like she could use a support system. I messaged her exactly that (because I know just important good Friends to lean on and support you are) and got shut down FLAT! She again said things that made me feel like a complete loser.

I read ALL the time about how sad she is that after her failed marriage of 10 years, she can't find a guy to spend the rest of her life with.

She wishes she had more people in her life to be her support system.

BAH!

SO after this post of his, this guy gets TWO comments. One from her, and one from his ex that he broke my heart for the first time who was one of my best Friends. Boy is his grip long lasting because here I am blogging about him!