Feelings

My First Love is the guy who I "went out" with when I was 14. The Guy who broke my heart 3 weeks later. The guy who 2 years later came to the rescue when my heart got broken again, and then 3 months later.... yes, once again BROKE MY HEART. 2 years after THAT, he was the guy that I fell so head over heels for AGAIN that I threw away my entire core value system, and have been struggling to regain it ever since. This is the guy who because of our relationship, I experienced my first miscarriage at 19. Who I completely expected to be married to before I was 20. He was the guy who I gave up even TALKING to other guys for fear that he would get wind of it, think I was cheating, and break up with me. He is the guy I RAN away across the country from to try to regain who I was trying to become. The guy who I couldn't stay away from when I came back 18 months later, and had a torrid relationship with while his Girlfriend was waiting for him 2 blocks away. The guy I drunk called while I was in AIT. The guy who wouldn't invite me to his wedding. The guy who's house I moved into when I got home from AIT. The guy who I called one night when David was in a tirade. The guy I called when I needed to leave David and couldn't. The guy who blames me for his divorce. The guy who if it weren't for all of the years of being in this cycle with I would have never gotten to know David. The guy David hates almost as much as he hates Jared. The guy I went to when I was engaged to David a 2nd time to sort it all out.

He's VERY intelligent yet in 32 years has never found a way to use it wisely. He's addictive. He's absolute POISON to my Spiritual well being. He's my confidant of the past. But the person I couldn't even TELL I was pregnant until a year after the miscarriage.

Whew. I feel so much better.

Now we're on to his EXs. One is my Sister in law. AGH! I won't even go there!!!!!!! I love her and her family Dearly. So that is better left alone. It's been dealt with.

Then there is this ONE EX of his. She has never really been my Friend. We have circled around each other since elementary school but never cared much for one another. She has been interested in the guy I mentioned above for MANY years. They were together when David and I were divorced, and that's the closest we've ever come to being Friends. Then, I invited her to Jacob's Baby Blessing. Instead of telling me she didn't want to come, she kept deleting the invite so I thought she hadn't gotten one, and invited her 3 times before I caught on. It made me feel like an idiot, and I did NOT appreciate it. That was the end of our almost Friendship. Since then, I decided (after reading about what's been going on in her life) that I should make an effort to be her Friend. She seems like she could use a support system. I messaged her exactly that (because I know just important good Friends to lean on and support you are) and got shut down FLAT! She again said things that made me feel like a complete loser.

I read ALL the time about how sad she is that after her failed marriage of 10 years, she can't find a guy to spend the rest of her life with.

She wishes she had more people in her life to be her support system.

BAH!

SO after this post of his, this guy gets TWO comments. One from her, and one from his ex that he broke my heart for the first time who was one of my best Friends. Boy is his grip long lasting because here I am blogging about him!