Here goes...

I haven't posted for a bit... 5 kids keep me on my toes. CONSTANTLY! Bella's 2 months now, and Jacob's busy entertaining her so here goes.

Thanksgiving gave me a lot to think about. So has David's schedule.

Monday the 28th marked Bella's 2 month Birthday. She is 9 lbs 5 Oz. 21 inches. And Cute as can be!!!!

She had under developed tear ducts that gave us issues for about 6 weeks after she was born, but they seem to have cleared up now :D

She also has a Hemangioma on the crown of her head. Which we are keeping an eye on.

David went back to work last Tues after his week off. He had to be to work at 6 am, and they headed to North Dakota. No sooner had he left the state than Elysia started complaining of a stiff neck. She had already been "sick" and felt crappy. I looked up stiff neck in children online, and the VERY first thing popping up all over the search results were Meningitis, and other horrible illnesses. The main thing that was said was that in a child with these 5 symptoms, the symptom that tips the scales and signals probable Meningitis is the stiff neck. Oh, I forgot to mention that she was also complaining that her eyes were bothering her. And since we had been exposed to Viral Pink eye the previous week, that was a concern too. And another reason we were worried about possible Meningitis is because Elysia has been ill on a regualar basis for about a year now and the word has already been thrown around more than once. So.....

Tues, meant a hurried trip to Green River to the Eye Doctor. Yep, a mild... thank HEAVEN MILD case of Viral Pink Eye. Then we dropped Elizabeth, Abby, and Jacob off with Ivy (My HERO! And Savior on multiple occasions!) and rushed back to Rock Springs to Urgent Care. THEN because the Dr thought it really MIGHT be Meningitis, we had to go over to the ER where they did a Spinal Tap on my Poor 6 Year old to rule it out once and for all. ACK! It was sooooo horrible! She cried. And CRIED. And I Cried and Cried. And Bella, who I had to take with us was super restless and fussy. At 10 pm, after finally ruling out Meningitis, I took a super loopy (from the meds that kicked in AFTER the procedure instead of before) Elysia back to Green River to rescue a worn out Ivy.

Since then we have slowly waited through symptoms and Poor Elysia feeling awful, sleeping a lot and throwing up. *Sigh* And she finally seems to be over it!

Just in time for her 7th Birthday tomorrow! :D

And with David in another state for ALL of it, I have seriously thought that I cannot get moved back to Utah fast enough. But at the same time, I've pulled through it. WE have pulled through it! The major dilema here is that if we move back to Utah, then the days that David is in Rock Springs, we won't see him at all. However, the days that he's gone, I would have My Mom and others aroung. Hmmmmmmm. What to do.

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So then, I've had the interactions with My Mom and David's Family that have given me a lot to think about. Along with my Friends both here and in Utah. I've observed how different people do things differently. It's been teaching for sure!

I've gotten de reailed a bit. And lost focus, so I'll call it good for now. Hopefully I'll post agin soon.

Heavenly Father, Walk through my home and take away all my worries and any illnesses. Please watch over and heal my family and friends. Bless my home, family and friends with Peace, Love and Joy. In Jesus Name. Amen. This prayer is so powerful. Watch what He will do. With God all things are possible. :)...

She had nausea, then she watched her feet swell and her skin stretch & tear; she struggled to climb stairs, she got breathless quick; she suffered many sleepless nights. She then went through excruciating pain to bring me into this world. Then, she became my nurse, my chef, my maid, my chauffeur, my biggest fan, my teacher, and my best friend. She's struggled for me, cried over me, hoped the best for me, & prayed for me. Most of us take our mom for granted.

November 2 and 3

Nov 2: I am grateful for My Marriage.

Nov 3: I am grateful for My Husband!

November 1

Today I am grateful for the Atonement.

Today's thought: Hate is Love that lost it's way.

My Precious One

My precious one, my tiny one, lay down your pretty head.
My dearest one my sleepy one, its time to go to bed

My precious one, my darling one; don't let your lashes weep.
My cherished one, my weary one; it's time to go to sleep.

Just bow your head and give your cares to me.
Just close your eyes and fall into the sweetest dream, cause in my loving arms.
You're safe as you will ever be so hush my dear and sleep.

And in your dreams you'll ride on angels' wings.
Dance with the stars and touch the face of god
And if you should awake...

My precious one, my tiny one, I'll kiss your little cheek
And underneath the smiling moon
I'll send you back to sleep.

What it means to me

"When you smile at me, I cry
And to save your life I'll die
With a romance that is pure heart,
You are my dearest part
Whatever it requires,
I live for your desires
Forget my own, needs will come before
Who could ever love you more?"

Those words, "And to save your life I'll die" are pretty basic if you're a Parent, I think. But I'd like to take a little bit of a deeper look into them. Because for me, being the best Parent I can means that I would LIVE for my children over literally dying for them. They need me to give my life in a different way. And for them I am willing to let the parts of me that are not beneficial to them die. The Single Me. The Reckless Me. The Shrew in me... to an extent ;-) I truly am willing to give my life for them.

Miracle

You're my life's one Miracle,
Everything I've done that's good
And you break my heart with tenderness,
And I confess it's true
I never knew a love like this till you....

You're the reason I was born
Now I finally know for sure
And I'm overwhelmed with happiness
So blessed to hold you close
The one that I love most
With all the future has so much for you in store
Who could ever love you more?

The nearest thing to heaven,
You're my angel from above
Only God creates such perfect looooove

When you smile at me, I cry
And to save your life I'll die
With a romance that is pure heart,
You are my dearest part
Whatever it requires,
I live for your desires
Forget my own, needs will come before
Who could ever love you more?

Well there is nothing you could ever do,
To make me stop, loving you
And every breath I take,
Is always for your sake
You sleep inside my dreams and know for sure
Who could ever love you more?

To Make You Feel My Love

When the rain's blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
So no doubt in my mind where you belong


I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on a rolling sea
And down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
But you ain't seen nothin' like me yet

There ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

October Begins

October began with a bang pretty much from moment one....or two I guess since the 1st was pretty calm, but the 2nd was INTENSE.

I've been stuggling with my health since before Bella's birth which is a big part of what I think compelled by body to get her here early. As I watch her I am thinking she may not have been 100% ready to be on this side of the womb. She may have been forced come a tiny bit before she was ready for MY health sake. Who knows. This is an area outside of most mortals' expertise.

Anyway.....

On October 2nd, I was listening to our church's semi annual General Conference, and I heard this talk which just BROKE the damn of frustration and pain I was feeling. And I cried harder than I have EVER cried in my life. I cried because I have gone to God soooo many times over the past few months and BEGGED for my body and health to be returned to the condition it was in months ago when I was in generally comfortably good health. And this talk to me was about how simple it is to "ask and recieve" what we need from Him, and yet here I was feeling that no matter how hard I asked, I couldn't get what I needed. The man giving the talk had once prayed for a quarter, and recieved it almost immediately. And here I've prayed for but can't even have my health back. I am sure this is how many a Cancer Patient or someone who has lost a child due to health issues has felt. And that is how I felt. And I just CRIED. I cried with bitterness. I cried like there was a bottomless well of tears at my disposal, and I had decided to use every one of them. I mean it when I say I have NEVER cried like that before.

Fortunately, the talk following that one was this one. And it kind of answers that unanswerable "Why me?" Which calmed me enough to pull myself together and get on with life.

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Despite the health issues it caused to get her here, I am so happy to have Bella. I am so blessed. I am sooo grateful that I have MY challenges vs someone elses. I am grateful that most of what I have to complain about has a known fix. Even though sometimes it might not be a quick or easy fix, none of my complaints are terminal. Just inconvenient and yes, sometimes painful. But NOT hopeless. I have a WONDERFUL Family. My kids and husband make my life so rich and meaningful!

To Sum it all up ~ I LOVE her! ♥

On Wed, Sept 28th 2011, 3 weeks and 1 day before her Due Date, and 1 week and 1 day before I was scheduled to be induced (which ironically is tomorrow ;-) Arabella Kaite Rose decided she was tired of the whole pregnancy thing.... as was I. And at 7:30 am my water most DEFINITELY broke. And at 9:28 am, after a realitively short, but very intense labor, with not ONE single push from me.... I do not exagerate here, she catapulted herself into this world weighing only 7 lbs 4 oz (Which is over a lb less than 2 of her sisters, and almost a lb less than her other sister and her brother.)

Things have been an adjustment for SURE. But I am soooooo happy to have this 5th Little Baby, and 4th Little Girl, join our Family.

She brings up the tail for our Family as we are very content to be a Family of 7, and this pregnancy was AMAZINGLY hard during the last 2 months and I truly question my ability to survive another one and not leave my 5 Babies without their Mother.

Arabella is the name of one of Queen Elizabeth I's cousin's and I LOVE it. And Kaite is Kate with a special I for Ivy who has really been an AMAZING Friend and example to our Family (Not to mention taking the other 4 kids at a moment's notice when Bella was born!)

Lessons you won't learn in school

From ~ Bill Gates ~ This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom. Love him or hate him , he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about eleven (11) things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it! Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: They called it opportunity. Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.. Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMESas you want to get the right answer. *This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. *Do that on your own time. Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one!

Angels

For my 19th birthday, Heather Lundgren Boone gave me the painting by Clark Kelley Price called "When the Angels Come". It's an amazing painting and has given me strength my whole adult life! Thank you Heather, it really helps in times like this where I need someone else to "Push My Cart" for a bit

My Patriotic Tattoo

Can you find the Patriotism in this picture? It's there. Just as if I had gotten an American Flag.

It's in the whole thing. The Music, the Scales balancing light and darkness.

When I was a teenager, it wasn’t uncommon for me to yell that “I didn’t want to be born! Nobody asked me if I wanted to be born!” Usually this happened right before I slammed my door and cried my eyes out into a pillow because my parents wouldn’t let me stay out past midnight.
At the beginning of my pregnancy, nine months seemed like a really long time. Anytime I had concerns about the baby or parenting, I’d remind myself that it was a long time away.
But here, at 35 weeks, having a baby isn’t that far away anymore! Considering that 36 or 37 weeks is when many doctors won’t stop you from going into labor, the actual having of the baby moment is getting pretty close.
I don’t know how many times I cried because I was sure my baby would “hate me.” I know I’m not alone. I have a friend who, at 38 weeks, worried that her baby would, in fact, hate her.
It doesn’t exactly make sense that our babies would hate us. I’ve never met a baby in my life that hated its mother. If anything, babies love their mothers more than anyone else in the world. We are the mamas! We are mommy!
I’m going to go out on a limb and blame it on the hormones. Let me tell it like it is: Your baby will not hate you. It is not going to want a different mom. It isn’t going to open its eyes, give you a once over and act embarrassed.
It will at least have the decency to wait until it is a teenager to do that.

Around and around we go.... I'm getting OFF!

I am in the smack dab couldn't be more involved part of my pregnancy. And it is the HARDEST pregnancy out of 5. I am in so much pain. I have a HORRIBLE infection in my face that will prolly ONLY go away when I have delivered the Baby. And I am already having some serious contractions. All of this with a FULL 5 weeks until it's even SAFE to try delivering. So basically, I will be in labor for 5 weeks.

And EVERYONE seems to have this basic NEED to cause drama. And I won't have it in my life. I WON'T. And I am SICK of people going out of their way to bring it to me.

I have kept to myself, minding my own business, living for just my family of 7. And that seems to add MORE fuel to the fire. Which FASCINATES me! It's like the less fuel I provide, the more people crave it, and bring their own made up crap to throw on the fire.

Well, I have 5 weeks of absolute SUFFERING left... with David in North Dakota for 75% of it before this New ANGEL comes into our home. And I will NOT allow the negativity. It's hard enough to stay positive and keep the Baby's environment calm and free of any projected negative thoughts and feelings. I DON'T need any help making it harder

it AMAZES me that even at 8 months pregnant, I have to be the calm, strong one who tip toes around everyone else, while I am constantly in the midst of NON pregnant people throwing tantrums. (but heaven forbid I should have a tantrum or be demanding) And THEN these people expect me to be sensitive to their feelings when THEY'RE pregnant or have some major emotional "thing" in THEIR lives. HAH! Karma can be PAINFUL people!! Muahahahaha!

So much to learn from Gethsemane

32And they came to a place which was named Gethsemane: and he saith to his disciples, Sit ye here, while I shall pray.

33And he taketh with him Peter and James and John, and began to be sore amazed, and to be very heavy;

34And saith unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful unto death: tarry ye here, and watch.

35And he went forward a little, and fell on the ground, and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him.

36And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.

37And he cometh, and findeth them sleeping, and saith unto Simon, Peter: sleepest thou? couldest not thou watch one hour?


There are obvious things to learn from this section of Scripture. Things that we have been taught all of our lives. But how poignant is this section that we may often over look.

The Lord is Omni Patient. But that does not mean He does not grow sad and weary. As any good Shepherd or Parent. This is the point that I really want to focus on. It's not because he's not perfect. It's because He is perfect because He understands the deepest emotions.

Can you even imagine the depths of despair He may feel when He watches one in His care succumb to mortal weakness. It's not because He doesn't understand that they are not perfect, it's because He often provides the directions and the supplies to NOT succumb. And He says "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden , and I will give you rest . Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." And He stands there with His hand out stretched for eons of time just patiently waiting. And we shrug off the help. And then we fail.

This is not to be depressing. Not to point out that we as mortals SUCK! But as a PARENT this is so helpful to me as I try so desperately to play 2 roles. First, that of one who so desperately needs the reminder that He is there if I take the offered hand. And He has provided the instructions if I will simply give heed. And Second, as the Parent who does just that for my Children only to watch them ignore the warnings and do it their way.

It's hard to be one who puts in all of the work and effort so they don't have to. All they have to do is accept the offer. And they just won't. And it helps me get through to know that HE is perpetually in that position. And it makes it so I want to be sure and NOT be the one to not accept His offering.

The warning is always provided BEFORE the temptation comes: "Tarry ye here, and watch." Because in His wisdom, He KNOWS we're going to encounter the temptation, which in this case was to sleep. So He warns us. And when we do not listen, He reaches out to us. And He can't help but be sad and weary when once again we "couldest not watch one hour." But the next time he will do it all over again. The warning, the offering, the waiting for us to simply accept.

On the way

I don't usually wish for time to pass quickly. I truly savor every moment and don't wish a single one to pass. To do so would mean my children slipping away even faster. THAT I would NEVER wish.

HOWEVER, all I can really focus on is the BIG October happening. And David just bought me a new addition to my Kitchen Fairie collection.

SO, I thought I'd share a picture of her.

She's posed in the Baby's room to welcome our Autumn Addition. :-D

Thirty Something Weeks

I never intended to breastfeed my children. To be perfectly honest, breastfeeding seemed incredibly gross. Why would I ever want to put a baby to the old “fun bag?” Well, the cost of formula, not to mention the health benefits, convinced me to at least give it a try.
Many women, much like myself, decide to go to a breastfeeding basics class before having a baby. The only problem with these classes is that explaining to someone how to breastfeed a baby is kind of like explaining how to ride a bike. Think of it; what would you say to someone that needed to learn to ride a bike? “Sit on the bike and start peddling!”
Well, get a baby and put it to your boob. Ingenious, right?
I’m not sure why they offer these breastfeeding classes. The only thing my breastfeeding class did was scare the crap out of me. “You want me to put a baby’s mouth WHERE?”
At the very end of my breastfeeding course, the instructor, a lady that seemed to enjoy her pillow that looked exactly like a breast a little too much, decided to show the class a video. A video of women breastfeeding. A video showing the nipples of women that I do not know. Nipples inside babies’ mouths.
I left that class, crying. “It looked like a big, wet Snickers bar!” I sobbed into my husband’s chest. “I. Can’t. Breastfeeeeeed!”
The funniest part of this story is that I ended up exclusively pumping for my first child for seven months and exclusively breastfeeding my second. So, if you’re thinking about it, give it a try.
Yes, it will “hurt” at the beginning as your body gets used to having a baby gnaw on your nipple. Yes, your boobs are going to get really big. And yes, it does get easier as time passes.
Just be prepared for the complete and total stranger manhandling your boobie in the hospital. They don’t tell you about that in breastfeeding class.

6 weeks and 3 Days

Pretty much says it all. The count down is on! The dumb ticker on my main page frustrates me. But ANYWAY! It is what it is! SIX WEEKS, THREE DAYS!!!!!!!

Why oh Why must we stay on the same merry go round? I'm learning that in a relationship, change only really makes a difference when BOTH people refuse to stay in the cycle. But I guess SOME skills are required to successfully get out, and some people just don't have them.

Checklist

WEEEELLLLL, This weekend, David was home. YAY! And I completely organized all 3 bedroom closets, moved Abby into the Older Girls' room, and moved a dresser and the cradle into Jacob's room. Meanwhile David COMPLETELY overhauled our garage! YAY!

Things I have found to RAVE about that YOU should totally check out!

This is mainly going to be for mothers of children under 3, but it's still totally worth looking into for EVERYONE!

*Passion Parties Romanta Therapy After Shave Protection mist. (best way to get to it without having to see anything you may not want to is go to the site, then click "Shop Online", and go the the tab that says "Romanta Therapy" and scroll down to the product. It's pricey at $15 per bottle plus shipping and handling so you want to watch for deals or buy several bottles at once.

Uses: Sunburn, Diaper rash, New Tattoos, Acne.... Really ANY skin irritation.

It has Antibacterial properties combined with soothing ingredients that provide relief you have to experience to believe could come from this bottle of clear, VERY subtle smelling spray.

*Amazon.com, Amazon Moms "club" for Diapers and Baby Wipes.

Uses: I get a big box of Pampers Cruisers for the same price I pay at Smith's for the store brand and it's delivered to my door with no tax or shipping costs once a month. I also get 2 boxes of Pampers thick care wipes for the same price as the store brand at Wal Mart.... again delivered to my door with NO tax or shipping costs.

*UdderCovers.com Nursing covers. When they have their promotion, you get a $32 nursing cover for $10. They have Gift sets that are $37. With the promotion you pay $15. I've heard GREAT things about the covers. They have the bow at the top so you don't need hands to see your baby. I got one gift set and a 2nd cover for ME, and a 3rd cover as a Baby gift all for $35

* This new Blog My SIL sent me to has AMAZING ideas and ways to do things Cheap or Free! I am doing a Hair Bow Making Station for my Baby Shower from her tutorial.

“Only you know your circumstances, your energy level, the needs of your children, and the emotional demands of your other obligations." ~Chieko Okazaki

Refresher

There are stories that come up over and over, and I like to post every now and then....

Jacob

I get a lot of being asked one of two things when his name is concerned.

Everyone thinks either

A) I named him after an ex boyfriend, Jacob Putnam
or
B) I named him for Jacob Black in the Twilight Saga

What I have to say once and for all: I don't name my Kids after ANYONE from the past century unless they are family. Elizabeth Audrey, and Abigail are all names that are based on Family names. Specifically MY family. My Mother and My Grandmothers.

A boy of ours may be named David or Charlie. It would be for David or My Father, Charles.

Jacob is named for Jacob from the Bible who is a direct ancestor of his.

IF this new baby is a girl, she will most likely be named for royalty from the 16th Century. Because there were some AMAZING women in Royalty then, and I LOVE the names. Any similarities to other people or even literary characters will be coincidental. And that is ALL.

Happy

Genuinely I AM! And I LOVE feeling satisfied and content.

I have so much to be grateful for. I have my wonderful family of almost 7 to enjoy.

It's a good day!

Predictable

If the person I'm thinking of still reads this blog, then this is quite predictable to them, and I hesitated on posting it for THAT reason. But I've boasted that my Blog is independent of what any one else thinks, so post I will.

This weekend we went back to Salt Lake to take Kayla, Rachel and Dan's 10 year old home after she spent the night. We had the chance to interact with some old friends. One of which was once the person I was willing to give anything and everything that mattered up to be with 15 years or so ago. My family didn't want me with him. My Bishops warned against him. And I kept on desperately wanting to be with him. And if that meant giving up my values, so be it.

I once actually expected to be with him indefinitely.

We almost had a baby.

And then it just didn't work out. It was never going to. And I gawk at the person I was then. And the way I behaved.

I now am married to one of his friends from that time period. And I have 5 children that I worried would never be mine.

And spending an evening with this other person was eye opening to say the least.

I used to be unable to NOT have some form of contact with him. For 16 years, no matter what happened, he was still on my "contact list." Cutting him off completely was never an option. Until the Blog War of October. THEN I cut contact 100%. We interact "loosely" on a site that we are both a part of, but never directly.

And to go from that to spending an evening with him was overwhelming. And I just wanted to SCREAM when it was over.

He started out alright. And I was DETERMINED to prove that I wasn't one to be anything but gracious. His presence wasn't going to be a problem. Period.

And it wasn't until throughout the night he got progressively crankier. And I was happy to stay on the other side of the room.

And then I asked a simple question. Which I GUESS was an issue for him. He evaded and then accused me of making it into more than it was.... and THEN without missing a beat went at Elizabeth for crying over something "dumb." (Which I agree was not worth crying about, but STILL that's not HIS place, it's mine.) Now get nasty with ME all you want. But I PROMISE you don't want to turn on my child. PERIOD! I WILL bite you! ;-)

Needless to say, my whole attitude toward the situation changed at that moment. And it brought up a whole bunch of irritations that I had to work out of my system.

Point to be made. He is not the person I would want to be going through this life's journey and into eternity with.

I'll bet when I was 14, many people HOPED I'd come to that conclusion before it was too late, and I'll bet many of them were afraid I never would.

Thank HEAVEN I proved them wrong!

Potty Training

I take a lot of heat on my way of dealing with my Children's Diapers and Potty Training. WHY people are so invested in THIS particular point of my parenting, I will never understand. People, there are soooo many WAY more important things in YOUR life to worry about than how I change a diaper, or if I call my husband home from work (which again is BS) to do it, and how I potty train my children. You are WAY to bored if you have nothing better to do.

The facts are that my system works for us. Sorry that it's not working for you.... oh wait, who gives a F? It doesn't affect YOU one bit!!!!!!!!!!!

My Children and I don't need to cater to you. We don't need to make you happy or comfortable. We have it under control.

We are getting it done, and it's not causing us severe stress.

When I HAVE tried to cater to others ideas is when we get stressed out. Worrying about what other people think I should be doing is where we run into problems. SO, Abby will be potty trained when she is ready. And if I force her to potty train any sooner than that, we are going to have a recipe for guaranteed disaster. I would LIKE her to be potty trained before Oct. But the facts are, that she just might NOT be. And I would rather we took it slow than have undue stress over the poop on the carpet that didn't need to be there.

Grenade

Easy come, easy go, that's just how you live
Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give
Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open, why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no

Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb
Tell the devil I said, hey, when you get back to where you're from
Mad women, bad women, that's just what you are, yeah
You'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car


Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for ya, baby
But you won't do the same

If my body was on fire
Ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me, you're a liar
'Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby

But darling, I'd still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

No, you won't do the same
You wouldn't do the same
Ooh, you never do the same
No, no, no, no

3rd trimester

Yay! I'm a couple of weeks into my 3rd trimester. And I am truly happy to be pregnant. We went to Lagoon yesterday... well, technically it's Mon now, so on Sat. And I actually fared pretty well... minus Puff the Magic Dragon which was NOT a good idea to ride. I did really well at staying hydrated for once, which helped immensely!

I AM however EXHAUSTED today... well, yesterday and it will prolly take a few days to get it out of my system.

This baby is very active. I got a good 12 hours of almost non stop movement the other day which is new. Elizabeth was very docile, and I had to wait for her evening bought of hiccoughs to know everything was well.

Sciatica is a norm for me at this stage, which I DON'T care for. But all in all, not much to complain about.

We don't have a split level dwelling this time and are on the bottom floor. The 100% lack of stairs when at home is helping a TON! It makes it so much easier to stay active with the other 4.

Advice to my Girls.... and my Son too

You know those "Guys" (for my son, of course, I mean Girls ;-) you get along so well with. The ones who you can be yourself with because they're "Safe" because you're dating or have your eye on someone else

THOSE are the people you want to pay the most attention to. And ultimately THAT is where you should be looking for dances, and even marriage. They are the ones that matter.

W E I R D Dreams

I was DEEP into my dreaming this morning. Elysia passed away and somehow, so did I. I somehow managed to come back to say my goodbyes, and went straight to the Lundgrens' where I said Goodbye to the Women, but non of the men, until a last minute awkward goodbye to David.

Then home to try to help with getting things ready for a party. And kept hearing about all of these things Ginger kept saying about me. And I just wanted her to stop talking about me.

THEN, apparently, the world has an idea of when I need to be up and coherent that does NOT match my ideas.

The end.

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Somehow, someone is now going to freak out and tell me I don't know what I'm talking about or how delusional I am, or to stop being a know it all after this post. Well, since it's a series of random weird dreams, back off.

Oh, and a side note on that, those of you who are reading my blog because you like to make snide comments, or bash me, find something else to do!

What is it?

I SWEAR I get more fights thrust upon me when I am pregnant than I ever do when I'm not! It's been that way since Elizabeth, 5 pregnancies ago.

People it seems are not only not MORE understanding when I am going through the process of growing another human being, they are actually LESS understanding than when I'm NOT.

It's like they are out to prove that I have nothing special going on in my life that is anything to handle with care.

And then they wonder why I'm such a Bitch!

BACK OF BITCH MAKERS!!!! I have more important things to do right now, like keep my emotions level, and grow a human being!

Stop thinking you know enough about me to make a diagnosis

I was told today that I can't wrap my head around the concept of obsessive disorders. LMFBO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am OCD! Seriously!!!!!!! It is PTSD induced, and I struggle EVERY day to control it.

That along with my germophobic ways. Which I have been told are an act.

What are these people? Neurosurgeons? Do they have a degree in clinical psychology that NO one knows about.

SO let me make this clear because I have had enough of NON medical or Psychology personnel diagnosing me. I suffer from clinical OCD as a result of PTSD. I am also AMAZINGLY Germophobic. Also as a result of PTSD. I HAVE a choice in how much I allow it to control my life. I work EVERY day to keep it balanced and reasonably in control. This does NOT mean it doesn't exist!!!!!!

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny."

HATE admitting it!

I hate to admit it. I really don't like the person she turned out to be. I do however miss Ginger sometimes.

Uh OH!

So, I'm 25 weeks, and have a dilemma I have NEVER had before. What to name this Baby. I have NEVER made it this far without it being decided. And it has NOTHING to do with not finding out the gender. What to do?!

Blast from the past

Wow, so here are a couple of stories that have been brought up that I figured I'd share:

In Basic Training, I had a locker and bed close enough to the bathroom that I ignored the mandate to only undress in the bathroom. I'd strip down and hurry in thinking I was "safe". Males and Females were completely separate, so I didn't worry about who saw. One day at dinner a Male Soldier I knew said "You're in (this Slot in you barracks) aren't you?" I said "How would YOU know?" He said I'm in the barracks with a window facing yours, you don't have any blinds in your window." And he winked... LUCKILY, not seeming disgusted, in fact he actually seemed pleased (I was in MUCH better shape then) but I never undressed outside of the bathroom the rest of my time there.

Another time, In different Barracks.... you see the rule was to only undress in the bathroom because Male Drill Sergeants could come into the barracks any time. They would announce their presence, but still. If you were already undressed, it might be too late. So one morning, I'm getting dressed (I wasn't going all the way down the hall to the bathroom) and I'm done except for my pants which I'm sitting on my bed with my back to the bedroom (which I shared with 7 others) door putting on, when a male Drill Sergeant comes on the floor. He announces his presence, tells us to continue what we're doing (everyone else was shining shoes or making beds) and tells us what he needs to. As he leaves he says behind him "Oh, and tell Flesher (my last name then) to get her pants on."

LUCKILY both of these incidents were nothing but funny/a tiny embarrassing, but all in good humor. Unfortunately, I'm still not the best at shutting the blinds. ;-)

Not too toot my own horn, but....

I can speak more words in more languages than the average person; I understand the multi dimensions of religion, language, music, poetry, literature, and psychology; I can almost 100% accurately "guess" a person's "type"; My children understand more than many their age along with being highly intelligent; I have a good amount of life experience, have traveled, have lived in several different areas of the country; Scored high enough on both my ACTs and my Military Entrance Exam that I could have ANY career I want except Rocket Scientist (or MOST science oriented careers, but that's not an intelligence thing, I'm squeamish); and I am cultured.


I'm not seriously large or over weight, especially NOW that my weight and belly have collaborated and I look very Pregnant and no longer obese. I am not knock out good looking nor am I terribly unattractive... on a normal day when I do my hair, and put on some mascara, I'd say I'm not offensive to the eye. I'm normally perky, pleasant, and have a relaxed look on my face UNTIL something happens to change it.

And yet, it is AMAZINGLY common for almost everyone I come in contact with to take ONE look at me and type me as Dumb, Stupid, Unintelligent, Ditsy, or Clueless.

REALLY?!

What exactly about me dubs me as such? These people don't usually see me with my Kids, they don't know anything about me other than what I look like at that moment. I usually have not said ANYTHING yet. And still, I can say that it's a 90% chance that in this situation, I will be classified as stated above.

I don't get it at ALL!!!!

And I can PROMISE that 90% of these people who will make this assumption have a lower intelligence, cultural, and educational level than I do.

Week 24

Pregnancy can make your body do really weird things. I won’t even go into the darker nipples or the linea negra. Instead, we’ll discuss hair.
When you think of a pregnant woman, I bet you don’t think of someone covered in hair, do you? Well, you should!
We all know that pregnancy makes the hair on your head grow faster and less of it falls out. But, did you know that the hair on your legs stops growing as fast as it did?
That’s a good thing. If you’re anything like me, you don’t have the energy to lean down and shave your legs every day. (Of course, once you have a newborn, you’ll probably go months without shaving, but that’s a different story altogether.)
Although I enjoyed having to shave my legs even less than I normally did, it seemed as if all the hair traveled from my legs up to my belly. Yes, my belly, the part of me that everyone wanted to touch. The part of me that jutted out much further than should be allowed.
Covered. In. Hair.
I’m not saying I looked like a wooly mammoth, but the amount of hair on my belly easily rivaled (or surpassed) the amount on my arms. Instead of the perfectly round, hairless bellies you see on TV or in ads, I had a big round, hairy lump with an off-center linea negra.
I’d like to believe I could have won some sort of sexy swimsuit competition with my belly, but I doubt that’d happen. That is, unless they have those sorts of things in really dark rooms.

24 weeks!

Many may not realize this but 24 weeks gestation is HUGE. It is the point where scientists and some important people who decide these things have placed the Limit of Viability.

Which means my Baby's odds of survival outside the womb just crossed the 50% line.

Now, I have always been VERY fortunate, and have chubby 8 lb full term babies at around 39 weeks. So I am not concerned. And I get that 50% is still not the odds I want. The baby would still have SERIOUS hurdles and health issues to over come.

But I consider this a BIG milestone!

Just a side note this is also the scale they use for abortions. Once a baby reaches the Limit of Viability abortions are not morally justified by the medical community. Totally a side note just pointing out that on BOTH sides of things, this is a big week for my little growing Baby! :-) The Medical community, even those pro "Choice" now consider my little ear of corn a Person now.

The truth of it

David's Family have been involved in WW3 for the past few days. I wasn't really an active participant when it all actually detonated, but it all kind of centered around me.

I planned and invited people to a Party for Jacob. And it happened to be the day that David's Sister was THINKING of having her son's.

Now that the storm has come, and gone, and it's "clean up" time, here are the things I learned.

First of all, I am a planner. I always have been, and it benefits me and I believe my Family of 7 to be a planner. So I don't see that changing. If I get the idea in my head in April, to have a party in July, I plan it and invite people then. I don't wait. If I wait, they may have made other plans. If I plan it when their schedule for that time is free, my chances of having them there are better. Especially people who have to travel. If you know in April that there is a party in July you need to budget for, it's so much easier than finding out in June.

I DON'T care if someone wants to have a party the same day. If I planned mine before they did, then I didn't steal that date. They can either find a different date, or accept that I have a party on that date.

I won't be adjusting anymore. Last year, we tried to move Jacob's party to accommodate family who didn't come anyway. So, now, I set the date and time, and that is when the party is. If you say "I can't come till 7." Well, the party is still at 2. Cake and ice cream and presents will be between 2 and 5. So, come at 7 if you want. We'd love to see you. But the PARTY might be over. We can still do something together. Especially if I know in advance so I don't plan something for that time frame. But we won't be shifting the times for the party.

ALL that matters is my Family of 7. I LOVE to include as MANY family and friends as I can. I will make things as conducive and amiable as I can for everyone in my life. But in the end, that's not where the top priority is.

A LOT of the issues that David and I have struggled with are traits others in his family share. Quirks that he has that have needed to be worked through are quirks that he shares with at least 2 of his siblings as well as his parents. This makes it a little easier to understand and either avoid or work with his family. Unfortunately, one of the BIG underlying issues is based on not being 100% honest about who they are, why they do what they do, and what's going on. I think that once a person is 100% honest about a situation, they can fix ANYTHING. But until then, nothing can really be fixed. You can't fix something that isn't real. Another thing I've noticed is a blurred moral line. The only real example is this: David really truly didn't see the difference between hitting a female who pissed you off, and hitting a male that pissed you off. It seriously didn't register. Fair was fair. If you deserved to be hit, you deserved to be hit. And if you were a foot shorter that him, that didn't change the force you could take. Had David understood weight/height differences/advantages, and gender differences in this area, our relationship would never have reached the levels of abuse it did. The last area that those in the family seem to struggle with is Logical vs illogical or maybe conscious vs subconscious logic. HONESTLY David doesn't get pregnancy. The Baby is not really there because he cannot feel it, see it, etc. In his head, he understands that a pregnancy meets certain criteria ie: A baby has to be in there, is growing therefore the expansion of the body, is hungry therefore the need for food. But it's a very intangible and gaseous concept. the idea is basically that cravings, pains, aversions, and the like are "figments" that are created in ones mind to get one to transition from not being pregnant to having a baby. Clear as mud? This is a family who needs a little more black and white and a few more tangible boundaries of what IS acceptable, and what just isn't.

David's Family doesn't always see, acknowledge, or enforce role separation. for example, David's Sister: She has 2 older brothers and sisters in law who were well established in adulthood (over 21 with families of their own) when she reached 18. To put it in biblical terms, she has no birthright, and in mid-eval terms, no right to the throne in the Rose line. In current religious terms, she is sealed to the Petersons. Her blood line, posterity, throne rights, and birthrights are all through her husband. She and her Husband ARE the top in HIS family. But there are 2 Sons ahead of her in HER family. She is still just as much a part of the family. She can still have her Mommy. She can still have everything she needs in life. But in the Rose Family, her role is the same as Kiera's (her sister in law) is in the Peterson Family. Not seeing this, or acknowledging this, results in an inability she has to acknowledge others' needs, and and hard time sharing. Which partly comes from her parents basically having 2 sets of children: The 2 oldest were out of the house before the 2 youngest were old enough to understand. She shares and works fine with her YOUNGER brother, but regularly forgets that there are 2 older ones. And her mom has never explained to her that she is the younger sister and not the first born son. I'm not saying she's any less important because she's a girl or third born. But there were people here, sons here, before she was. And they and their families have needs that are just as real and just as important and just may be a little farther along in the evolution of needs process. Order seniority is lost on these people because her mom and dad WERE the oldest, and forgot to point out to their younger children that the roles ARE different. And like the children's roles, like so many other things in this family, the PARENTS'roles lack clear boundaries too. So, Monkey see, Monkey do, right? Why follow the limits set by boundaries that don't exist in your world. The problem is, that "your" world may be a bit unrealistic and confined. And they Do exist, you have just never had to learn them.

Another issue that has become VERY apparent, is the abundance of favoritism where there is "none." I can't tell you how many times David's mother has sworn that there is NO favoritism. That is absolutely NOT true. There ARE certain "favors" that one or two children may be privy to that the other 2 or 3 are not. And that doesn't help ONE bit.

Heads always roll when things like this are heard by those without the education to understand them. But the truth is OFTEN hard to those who don't want to open their eyes to it. Just because you've never SEEN outside the box you're in doesn't mean there's nothing out there. And a wise person would listen to the people who've gone outside those 4 walls and not discredit them simply because they didn't see it with their own eyes. However, THIS too is a trait of the family discussed.

The sad thing here is that the parents HAVE been outside the box. And have failed passing that information down to their Children. The oldest, in an attempt to do everything perfectly, struggled for YEARS to come to terms with this. The 2nd was not so eager to "please" and never let himself be ignorant to what there was outside.... he didn't have it easy, but in the end, it worked out. The Daughter is far enough behind in age to have no gems from her brothers' struggles and lessons learned, and has been coddled by her parents to the point where she just takes their word for it. And the youngest son, well, we'll just have to see. But for now he shows all signs of being seriously blinded to reality and moral boundaries. He does what he wants, but doesn't see the reality of his distorted perspective.

What this all comes down to is one SERIOUSLY dysfunctional family that is trying to do a good job, but again, the first step is being honest with onself about what the situation IS. I LOVE and appreciate the kind and good things each person does. But I HATE the closed mindedness that often dominates. As GI Joe says though "Knowing is half the battle" so though I may not like it, at least I know what I'm up against and can be prepared. And the past week has taught me new methods of handling the situation. Thanks Rachel, for being a trail blazer and imparting your wisdom. Your input has been the catalyst for the discovery of what is really at the bottom of the situation and coping mechanisms for handling it better.

You just can't see the other side, can you?

If someone made you cry, are you able to see that you hurt people too? Maybe they have been holding back on your fragility for a long time, and finally couldn't take it anymore. And what about when THEY cried? Did you care?

ok, since no one can answer my question from a few posts ago, let me. I have researched this to make sure it's the real definition of a SAHM and not just my opinion.

And a Stay at Home Mom is a mother who stays at home with her children and is not a part of the paid workforce.


A mother who works in the paid workforce from home is a Work at Home Mom.

And a mother who works out side the home in the paid workforce, is a Working Mom.

I have no problem with either.

You have to do what you feel best for your family.

But let me make this simple: If you put your child in daycare, or leave them with a baby sitter... even if it's your spouse, while you make $ in a building other than your residence, you are NOT a stay at home Mom. Sorry.

My Old Friend

D-O-N-E would be the word for where I am with certain people. Like, REALLY REALLY DONE!!!! I REALLY wish I could be there when a certain person crossed over to the next life, and could just observe and nod here and there.... and then I would walk away!!!!

Like it is

I try to be respectful of other peoples' life styles. ESPECIALLY when they do no harm to the community. I fully honor others' rights to have the same choices I have.

People though seem to not get in general that with those choices come consequences.
You choose to live in a country that you have entered illegally and are draining resources that aren't yours to use from it..... you're not going to be welcomed with open arms. ESPECIALLY when you expect people to cater to YOUR needs while you take from them.

You cannot belong to ANY organization that has guidelines, if you don't meet those guidelines! You can love whomever you love. But some private organizations do not allow practicing Gays in.... and that's just how it is. Find a different organization. But they don't HAVE to change their rules for you. Creating NEW, unfair rules are STILL their prerogative if they are a private club or organization so SORRY!

Then there are parents who work rather than staying home with their kids. That's life. SOMEONE has to bring in $. But do BOTH parents always have to? SOMETIMES. And in some situations: when childcare isn't defeating the purpose of the paycheck, parents who work because they WANT to but don't need to, MORE POWER TO THEM! Some are just not cut out to stay home ALL day EVERY day. Some like that balance. And that's FINE. But A)Don't criticize those who choose the alternative... ESPECIALLY if both parents working means that the 2nd paycheck does NOTHING but pay for the childcare. And B) If you work more that 10 hours outside the home each week, you are NOT a Stay at home Parent. So at least be honest with yourself and the rest of us. You are a Working Parent.... and that's fine. Just own it!!!!

And FINALLY, you may choose to have one or two children. Don't criticize those who choose to have more. They aren't freaks, possessing an over active sex drive, or selfish. (in MOST cases anyway!) They just want a big family. And that is OK! As long as those Children are reasonably being cared for, BUTT OUT!!!!!!!!!

Day 2

Day 2-Picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest:

Jennifer and I met when we were 10. She's been stuck with me through thick and thin ever since. She is the God Mother to my Girls.

I don't like who I was.

As I was loading the kids into the car after a very full and tiring day, I heard some teenagers being crazy and loud close by. And it bothered me a LOT. And I thought about it. I WAS one of those teenagers once. And I was at LEAST that loud. And did not care one bit what any one thought of it. I ruled the world.

And I realized that I think deep down, the reason it bothers me is because I really don't like the person I used to be.

I was cute, smart, funny, had lots of friends, had a good amount of boys who I liked or who liked me. I really DID have the world at my feet. But I was cocky, and carefree, and wanted what I wanted. And that meant that I had boyfriends who overlapped. I had a serious boyfriend, or 2, or 3 constantly from the time I was 15, till I was 23. And I did what I wanted, when I wanted. I broke hearts. Including my own.

And then, I settled down. Sort of. I married David because it was the right thing to do. But I was still WAY too into me. I loved him. But not like I thought I did. I had NO hesitations about the marriage. I KNEW it was what I wanted. But I was not 100% invested in it. I was still way too into what made ME happy.

I have done a LOT of finding out what being me really entails. I have evolved a TON. And the core thing I think I hate about who I WAS, is exactly this: I had the world before me, and was too selfish to use that power for what it was really worth. Had I exhausted the amazing gift I was given, I could have had it ALL.

And I was STUPID. And I had to learn the hard way. And it hurt.

And now here I am. With EVERYTHING! And so grateful I'm the person I AM, and not the person I WAS!

Day 1

Day 1- Picture of you with 15 facts.
1. I have eyes that change color.
2. I am married to my 2nd Husband.
3. I LOVE Starbucks, and recipes with alcohol based ingredients
4. I have 3 Daughters from my 1st marriage, and a Son from my 2nd
5. Food is my secret lover :)
6. I was a Passion Parties Consultant
7. I want to move out of the US
8. I have lived in 5 different states since I was 19
9. I am as abrasive as I am because I've been hurt a LOT
10. I actually AM a people pleaser :/
11. I am working on talking David into baby #6
12. I am more in love with David than I could have imagined possible 10 years ago
13. I am a lot nicer than people think I am
14. I love taking naps :)
15. I love having Children. I have actually gotten depressed over the idea of NOT having more

Question

Here's a question: What constitutes a "Stay at Home" Parent? I think the line has been blurred and now I'm confused. I THOUGHT that's what I am. And my Mom who worked 5 days a week was a "Working Mom." Can someone clear this up?

Griping

This is stemming from a morning that started out GREAT and went to Shit in a matter of minutes, combined with some recent encounters that were exacerbated by the lousy turn in mood.

I shouldn't have to be the bad guy because you don't want to teach your child manners... it puts me in an unfair situation. To either let your child take advantage of me or someone in my care, or be the person they don't like because I didn't let them do what they shouldn't have been doing in the first place. There are behaviors that just aren't socially acceptable, and if your thoughts are that "they're only a child, cut them some slack," then think about this: At what age do you teach them how to behave in a social setting? You're not raising them to be children, your raising them to be successful adults. If they shouldn't do it as an adult, there is NO reason for them to do it as a child. An infant or a toddler that cannot understand what you are saying, fine. But my 20 month old understands "That is not ok" better than many adults do.

Socially unacceptable behaviors include: Eating someone's food that was NOT offered to you.... especially off the plate in front of them or out of their hand, Playing with yourself in any situation besides the privacy of your bedroom or bathroom (don't get me started on that one.... in my house it's not acceptable no matter WHERE you are..... and YES, my 20 month old even understands THAT), Talking over/interrupting people..... etc.


And if you are in customer service, you need to have some people skills... I get that your job may SUCK, but I pay your paycheck. I am the reason you have a job. You piss off enough of "me" and you won't be able to pay YOUR bills.

Chalk one up for homeschooling!

So, Jacob may only say about 20 words in English, but he can say "Xièxiè" or "Thank You" In Chinese. (He really can!!!!) How many one year olds can do that ?! ;-)

Ten things I L O V E about him!!! or Have you ever tried to tame a Shrew?

I know this is a bit cliche and even cheesy. But how can I NOT write this?

David is out of town on a job for the FIRST time with Halliburton.

And for the first time, we left on AMAZING terms. We've had occasions where he has left on BAD terms, ok terms, traumatic terms. Never amazing!

And over the past little bit, how wonderful my Husband is has become more and more apparent.

We LIKE eachother more than I think we ever have. And we are more in love than when we eloped 9 years ago.

So, I thought I'd put together a brief list of what he's been doing that has brought us here.

1- I LOVE his love of the arts! We had a very art filled weekend this past week. We went to the zoo, where he insisted on purchasing a piece of art made by an elephant. It's one of a kind, and definitely abstract, and wasn't cheap. But he really wanted it. And I LOVE that he wanted it. Because it shows a love for things outside the box. It fits perfectly in the space above our bed that was waiting for a good piece of art to fill it, and with him gone, I love looking at it there!

2- One leads to two. You see, $50 for a watercolor picture drawn by an elephant wasn't one the top of my list of things to spend our $ on this past weekend. But how could I refuse a man who would do everything he could to get me the moon if I asked. He has found that balance between gifts and service that totally speak my Love Language.

3- Again, 2 leads to 3. His traits just flow into a perfect blend. David is the kind of husband who will take all 4 children off my hands when I need it to show me he loves me. He changes poopy diapers, gets up in the middle of the night with the children, and does the bed time routine on his own every night. He is lightens my load every chance he gets. And NOTHING says "Love" to me like that!

4- Loving me is NOT an easy job. I don't accept mediocre at ALL! Half Ass is not in my vocabulary except as the worst insult possible. I know that sounds harsh, but it's just unacceptable. David has to jump through hoops DAILY to keep me happy. And I let him out of his obligation once. He could have walked away and never looked back. But he not only didn't do that, he pursued me and jump in with both feet once again. This man has been willing to deal with me not ONCE, but twice. And he keeps giving me the BEST gift in the world... he willing supports my desire to bring more children into our Family. We are on our 2nd since the divorce, and I've gotten him to agree to a possible 3rd.

5- He is NOT perfect. And I am not one to accept the "I'm not perfect, I accept this, therefore I will be lenient with myself and not expect too much" mentality. I can accept the fact that mortality is synonymous with imperfection. But I also realize that is no excuse for not doing your best. And David has come SOOOO far and has such a desire to succeed. He isn't perfect, but he TRULY puts the effort and care into his job and family that shows how much he WANTS to do it right!

6- This man gets up every morning, even sometimes with small amounts of sleep, goes to work, gives it his all, and then comes home and helps with children and housework. I could NOT do that. I can handle the 24/7 demands of parenthood. But to work full time also, well, I don't do the no sleep thing. He has had periods of time without a job. And sitting around playing video games was not on his agenda. He worked what ever jobs he could. He took an "ok" job to get the ball rolling, and kept applying till he worked up to a good job that has the promise of providing for his growing family.

7- He supports my need to be a stay at home mom. Through bouts of unemployment, and low paying jobs, David has NEVER asked me to go back to work. He knows that my core belief system tells me that I need to be the one to be home with my children. And with 5, it's not worth it financially to pay for daycare. And he's OK with that. I have not worked one day outside the home since Elizabeth was born that I didn't want to or need to for reasons other than finances.

8- He APPRECIATES what I do for our family. He tells me "Thank You" for being willing to stay at home and take full responsibility for our children vs asking someone else to do it while I pursue a career. You have to understand that I had a career in the making. I was the primary bread winner before Elizabeth was born. I LOVED my military career and gave it up to stay home and raise a family. And he VALUES that.

9- He is a secure, loving, and supportive partner. He doesn't feel threatened by my independence. He doesn't feel threatened by my successes. He backs me up on goals and ambitions. When I want to go out, and I get dolled up for it, he doesn't assume that I am going to cheat on him. He likes that looking good makes me feel good about myself.

10- He likes me and accepts me just the way I am. 200 lbs or 130 lbs HONESTLY doesn't matter to him. Which is so nice because it means that we can enjoy good food together, and he still makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Which boosts MY desire to be in good shape and look good for him.

As I write this, I realize that this is just the TIP of the ice burg that is a HUGE list of things I LOVE about my Husband. I just hope he knows what an amazing catch her truly is, and I would be the luckiest girl EVER to keep him for good!

My Hubby... My Baby's Daddy

Sooooo, I'm sorry but I need to be blunt and just get this off my chest once and for all:

Disclaimer *I GET that this only applies to some, so if you KNOW it doesn't apply to your situation, DISREGARD. Unfortunately that means some of you who may need to hear this, may disregard it. But it is what it is*

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE HUSBAND IS A COMPLETE IDIOT,DON'T PUNISH ME BECAUSE MINE ISN'T. ALL THOUGH I AM INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL FOR THIS, IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT MINE COMES HOME TO ME AND I AM HIS ONLY FOCUS (ALONG WITH OUR FAMILY) AND HE IS NOT A COMPLETE CHAUVINIST!!!!

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When it came to pregnancy, I always wanted to know how things were for other people. How much weight were they gaining, what their bellies looked like, when they went into labor. So, of course, I wanted to know when people felt the baby kick.
When I thought of my baby in there, I always imagined a little thing, just walking around on the walls of my uterus. Yes, I know it sounds silly. I get it. But? That’s what I thought. A mall-walking fetus.
Trying to explain to someone what those first few kicks are like is trying to explain a sneeze. You see it in your mind. You can almost feel it, but you can’t put it to words.
A girl I knew had described the feeling as “butterflies in her belly.” I went weeks waiting for the butterfly feeling. It never came. Then I started waiting for big kicks. They didn’t come either.
Even better, it is more like trying to describe a fart, since that is the portion of your body that is all wonky, anyways. Go ahead. Describe one. I’ll wait.
Finally, I caught on and put the television remote on my belly. When it started to bounce, I knew it was the baby. Even though I couldn’t feel my baby, I could see that she was kicking.
The best part about when the baby started to kick meant that we had “Interactive Fetus!” Interactive Fetus was a lot of fun. You could blow on your belly and make her jump. If you pressed enough, she’d start to kick.
And sometimes, if her Daddy stuck his face next to the belly and talked long enough, she’d kick him in the face.

A worried woman went to her gynecologist and said:

'Doctor, I have a serious problem and desperately need your help! My baby is not even 1 year old and I'm pregnant again. I don't want kids so close together.

So the doctor said: 'Ok and what do you want me to do?'

She said: 'I want you to end my pregnancy, and I'm counting on your help with this.'

The doctor thought for a little, and after some silence he said to the lady: 'I think I have a better solution for your problem. It's less dangerous for you too.'

She smiled, thinking that the doctor was going to accept her request.

Then he continued: 'You see, in order for you not to have to take care 2 babies at the same time, let's kill the one in your arms. This way, you could rest some before the other one is born. If we're going to kill one of them, it doesn't matter which one it is. There would be no risk for your body if you chose the one in your arms.

The lady was horrified and said: 'No doctor! How terrible! It's a crime to kill a child!

'I agree', the doctor replied. 'But you seemed to be OK with it, so I thought maybe that was the best solution.'

The doctor smiled, realizing that he had made his point.

He convinced the mom that there is no difference in killing a child that's already been born and one that's still in the womb.

The crime is the same!

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"Love says I sacrifice myself for the good of the other person. Abortion says I sacrifice the other person for the good of myself..."

Jesus sacrificed Himself for the good of sinners! That's perfect love!

-unkown

Dear God, I come to you as humbly as I know how. I confess my sins, those known and unknown. Lord you know I am not perfect and I fall short everyday of my life, but I want to take time out to say Thank You for your mercy. Thank You for my health, my family and my friends, the roof over my head, food on my table, and everything I have.

Selfish

I'm sorry to say that I gain a little bit of selfish pleasure from being imperfect.... maybe it means I can stay here longer. I hate the thought that I could not be here anymore to take care of my Little Ones. The job I do is inadequate most of the time, but I try every day to be better at it, and fill their needs more fully. And I truly believe I am the best person to meet their needs.

I'm sorry, but NO ONE can love them the way I do. There is a love that backs every word, every interaction.... even when I am angry with them.

I love them in tears, I love them in smiles, I love them when I yell, I love them when I laugh. I love them in cookies. I love them in vitamins. I love them in discipline, I love them in scoldings. I love them in parties. I love them in church. I love them in hikes, and walks. I love them in Dance Class. I love them in a schedule. I love them in hugs. I love them in letting them come into bed with me in the mornings when Daddy leaves for work. I love them in a messy house. I love them in clean clothes. I love them in going out to dinner. I love them in going to movies.

I love them with every thought, and every breath I have in me. And for this reason, I selfishly am grateful to not be perfect enough that God needs me there ;-)

Names

My Children come with their names, I just have to listen until I hear what it is, and then put it on paper. Glad this one let me know ;-) I HATE going much farther into this trying to figure it out!

If you ever wonder about what time in the pregnancy the Spirit is indisputably present, I'd say this is about that time. I've never been more than 25 weeks in before the name was obvious.

Blessings

I have so much to be grateful for. I am so grateful for God's Power on Earth, also known as the Priesthood.

Something that has been AMAZING the past few weeks is that I have seen INSTANT results... which with even the things I've gotten that I need and have asked for, until just barely, I don't think they've EVER come so quickly.

Today's example: I was cramping this morning. BAD!!!! I was honestly worried about delivering a MAY baby. And being 19 weeks, that is SCARY!!!!

David gave me a blessing. And within 15 min, I got this one REALLY bad cramp that made me cry out, and then it was done, and I felt COMPLETELY fine. Like nothing had been wrong at ALL!!!!! It was truly faith empowering!!!

Twilight Zone at the Dr's Office

Today I experienced that rare but TERRIFYING period of time where the Dr., despite every angle and effort just COULD NOT find a heart beat with the Doppler.

I'm laying there, and she's searching, and it's just not happening. And I start thinking about my blasted excess of belly that is residual from past pregnancies, and getting overweight. And then, the realization hits that she's not finding ANYTHING, and isn't going to.

This is only my 2nd appointment since I was 14 weeks before I went the first time. And because I was so far along, she just skipped the Doppler and went straight to the ultra sound so that she could assess the pregnancy and confirm a due date.

So I didn't hear the heart beat then either. Which is fine, knowing that the baby has been visually confirmed to be fine. But it's so DIFFERENT not having HEARD that familiar sound. Which just added to the ethereal ness of the whole thing. And made my mind catch just a bit on what was happening.

And then, she rushed me to the next room to do the ultra sound this time, and it was a waiting game.... and then, MOVEMENT. And then, a confirmed heart beat. And before panic had really registered and sunk in, sheer RELIEF. But still, NO SOUND.

The placenta it seems is right up against my belly which means feeling movement might be scarse this round.... as well as the fact that I may not be HEARING anything at my checkups. Monthly ultra sounds MIGHT have to be the norm.... which comes with it's OWN set of worries. SIGH.

I think the thing that was really poignant was the fact that this isn't my 1st or even 2nd. This is my FIFTH time doing this, and this is the first time I've ever had that moment where everything wasn't textbook! And there's that expectation from routine that tells you: You're going in, You're laying down, YUP! There's that familiar wand, and there's the...... WHAT?! Wait a minute...

But now the knowledge that everything is fine. WHEW!

If you don't feel "good enough"

I'm sorry to say this, but sadly it's true, that bang ups and hang ups CAN happen to you....

I have a Friend, who yes, used to be a Boyfriend. Who told me the day we OFFICIALLY broke up for GOOD that I had a way of always making him feel inadequate. At the time, I felt awful about this. I apologized profusely and was heart broken that my mistakes in how I "treated" him was costing me him forever.

12 years later, I have that thought running through my head. In the past 12 years, I have been through good times and bad. Relationships that ended in breakups and even divorce. And I've heard from more than just him that I am demanding and make my significant other often feel like no matter what they do, they just aren't.... and never will be, good enough.

And I feel bad, and I struggle to change how I treat people.

And then, after this weekend, I really have come to believe that it MAY not be me that is the problem.

This ex boyfriend is someone we have done things with as couples over the years. And I have been in contact with him in the last 6 months. And he has said to me "Keep inviting me to things, I can't make it this time, but I will make it one of these times."

So, I do what I do and I keep inviting him. And now, he just doesn't bother responding at all. Even to a direct "Will you be there?" And I CAN'T count on him even as just a Friend. Even when I have made an ENORMOUS amount of effort at personal cost to be there for his family during hard times.

And I am thinking that being with him permanently would have been AMAZINGLY frustrating! And there would have been no relief from it..... EVER. Because he has never really made an effort to rise to a higher level unless it catches his interest. And while that's great, I believe the makings of a truly great person is the ability to rise to a higher level on not only the things you like, but also the things you don't necessarily find interesting.

And I watch my Wonderful Husband, who HAS risen to a higher level in so many ways. And I think that those who complain that they are made to feel inadequate have their own internal issues that make them feel that way.

Throughout my life, I have had people who have been constantly on top of me pushing me and telling me to do better when I felt I was doing my best and that their constant unappreciative way of not acknowledging my efforts was so unfair. Until I looked deeper into their motives, and pushed myself to meet THEIR expectations of my best and not settle for my own. And I cannot tell you what that has done for my self esteem and what I have accomplished.

I am not a quitter. I do not know HOW to quit. Because no one ever let me. And it doesn't matter what someone says to me, I am able to work through it without taking a permanent hit to my healthy way of looking at myself and life.

So, I'm sorry, but if you feel inadequate, there is prolly a very good chance that YOU need to change something. Maybe deep down you KNOW you're not giving your all in some aspect. Because if you are doing EVERYTHING you can to maximize the results you get, then you have NO reason, not matter what ANYONE says, to feel "Not Good Enough."

I'm gonna keep saying what it is I have to say

I think this has been proven at this point.

I have been criticized for what I write. It isn't cookie cutter. I couldn't care less.

As I said in my last post, I blog for so many different reasons. And none of them have to do with anyone but me. I don't blog for popularity. I don't blog to make a scene. I blog to get things out of my head and in "storage" so that I can use my head for other things, and pull from past lessons, feeling, experiences when I need to.

That said:

I want to talk about things that shouldn't bother me today, but do.

Most of you have seen or heard reference made to the "Blog War"

I'm really frustrated at the set up that I feel was involved in that.

My Ex boyfriend used his personal thoughts on things and his desire to control the people involved and tampered with the key players to bring on this situation that caused more hurt for ME than anyone else.

That's what he's always done. He has manipulated me since we were 16. And unfortunately he's GREAT at what he does. He is the kind of manipulator who can convince you that YOU are crazy and he's innocent.

October was the first time in 16 years that I have cut off contact with him.

But it will always fascinate me that David and his ex wife are the only people who already knew what I didn't figure out till this past fall.

Blogging

I blog to heal. I blog so I don't BURST. I blog for sanity. I blog for learning and teaching purposes.

I watch so many Friends go through things I have already had to work through.

I watch as Friends are toyed with, rejected, cheated on....

I watch as Friends loose babies, spouses, siblings, parents, grandparents, fiancées, girlfriends, boyfriends.

And 90% of the time I have been through something VERY similar.

And I feel for them. And I understand exactly what it feels like to need to work through foreign, and sometimes all to familiar emotions. And that's why I blog. To work through all of that.

And I am soooo grateful when I am no longer the person in that situation. When they become feelings that I have worked through, rather than feelings I am working through.

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I made the mistake during my first pregnancy of trying to guess how many “months along” I was. It seems simple, right? Nine months in a pregnancy.
But not everyone thinks that way. Some say ten. Some say nine. Some, like me, say too many.
Go to any pregnancy website or message board and there will be twenty women with twenty different responses to how far along you are.
You are four months, no wait, five. Well, actually, four and a half, unless you’re going by the Ancient Mayan Calendar, which then, you’re really in your fifth year. Also, it turns out that you’re carrying an elephant. Congrats!
The problem lies in the fact that not every month is four weeks long. Some people, like me, don’t really care about that fact and just “round up” to the next month along once you hit four weeks.
Then there are the people like my husband that always reminded me that I wasn’t as far along as I thought.
Would you really tell someone that is running a marathon “Hey. I know you thought you were at mile 20, but it’s really mile 16. There’s a discrepancy in the counting system. Anyway, it all evens up at the end. Oh, and by the way, watch that hill on the last mile. It’s a killer!”

Rule the World

This song makes me think of My Girls... Especially the ones with the Royal names ;-)

You light, the skies up above me
A star, so bright you blind me
Don't close your eyes
Don't fade away
Don't fade away

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

If walls, break down, I will come for you
If angels cry, oh I'll be there for you
You've saved my soul
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.


All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you,

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you

It's just one of those days!!!

I want to stay in bed. I want to have someone push a button on my yet to be hooked up Keurig and brew me some warm hot chocolate, with juicy muffins.

And though this won't happen, and I am NOT wanting to be awake, or out of bed, I am sooooo blessed to have the children I have! They are so independent in their own little ways. They need the little things here and there, but with the older girls pretty self sufficient and the new apartment set up so that they can access certain things, my children fed themselves breakfast while I fought with pulling the warm covers off and joining them :D

Elysia got Jacob a package of muffins, then Elizabeth got him out of bed for me. Then they all colored for a bit while I reconciled what I wanted to do with the reality of needing to be up and moving without my warm cup of daily chocolate.

SO, while I STILL would rather be tucked into my nice warm bed, I am so pleased with what I have to get up to!

Is it Greek to you? Can you tell what I have to say?

Θα ακολουθήσει ποτέ το δρόμο, εγώ που πάντα ο τρόπος. Δεν κάνω αυτό που σκέφτονται οι άνθρωποι που έχω να, να κάνω ό, τι θέλω να κάνω. Γεννήθηκα ως δημιουργός, δεν είναι οπαδός.
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Ik heb nooit het pad volgen, heb ik altijd de weg. Ik weet niet wat mensen denken dat ik moet, ik doe wat ik wil doen. Ik werd geboren als een schepper, geen volger.
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Liom riamh an cosán, leag mé i gcónaí ar an mbealach. Níl a fhios agam cad a cheapann daoine go bhfuil mé leis, is féidir liom cuma cad ba mhaith liom a dhéanamh. Rugadh mé mar cruthaitheoir nach, a follower.
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Ich habe nie den Weg, finde ich immer den Weg. Ich weiß nicht, was die Leute denken ich, ich, was ich tun will. Ich wurde als Schöpfer, nicht ein Nachfolger geboren.
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Non ho mai seguite il percorso, ho sempre impostato la strada. Io non faccio quello che la gente pensa che devo, faccio quello che voglio fare. Sono nato come un creatore, non un seguace.
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Je n'ai jamais suivi le chemin, j'ai toujours mis la manière. Je ne fais pas ce que les gens pense que je dois, je fais ce que je veux faire. Je suis né en tant que créateur, pas un suiveur.

More "Baby" Humor

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For a month before the “gender ultrasound,” I could tell you exactly the amount of time before we’d find out about the thing growing in my belly.
“Two weeks, three days, one hour and 10 minutes until I know for sure,” I’d say. “I can’t wait.”
Really, I couldn’t. I had dreams about the baby being a boy and then the next night, a girl. The gender ultrasound was all I could think about. I’d call friends up just to guess what “type of baby I was having.”
The way I discussed it, you’d think I was going to The Gap to buy a sweater. “Hmm, is it a boy type or girl type? Do you think these come in size medium?”
The day of the ultrasound was like every Christmas, birthday and wedding day piled into one. It was ultrasound day! The baby! What “type” of baby was I having?
I ran into the ultrasound room, plopped onto the table and said “All I care about is knowing if it is a boy or girl. Let’s get this party started.”
The ultrasound tech, at this point, got a little testy with me. “Don’t you even care if the baby is healthy?”
“Of course I care. Right after I find out the gender.”

I had a Dream

I dream. I am a dreamer. In many senses of the word.

And last night I had a dream that I would be reckless to forget.

It was terrifyingly real, and had so much detail that I could not have come up with, even with a really good subconscious. So, I deem it something worth paying attention to.


We were suddenly preparing for a possible nuclear attack. Actually, I don't think IF it was coming was a question. The immediate danger was palpably sensed. Not, "Do we need to worry?" but "what precautions need to be taken and how long do we have?"

And I realized as I took precautions with my food and water that I didn't have adequate supplies for hygienic purposes, and needed to run to the store. But alas, there was no time. As I locked the final cupboards to protect what I could, I asked David "How long do you think?"

And an actual Bomb hit the ground in a local area close enough that I KNEW it had hit.

When I woke up, I was grateful to know that it was a dream and not immediate reality. And also I was grateful for the detail that gives me a chance to be prepared in case this world does in deed come to this.