The TRUTH in relationships

The truth of it is this. ANY one sided relationship will not last. I've thought about this a lot this week. And it's not just relationships where one person seems to do all the giving. But the flip side where one person will give but REFUSES to allow the other to give back.

It's not because the person who is giving and refusing to take gets worn out from always giving that the relationship doesn't make it. It's because there is a REASON the person will not accept returned effort. I have noticed in all of the friendships I have had go down the drain this past week... and unfortunately, they have been plentiful, there was a common denominator. These were friendships where my efforts, help, resources were not acceptable as contribution.

Letting someone "Serve" you builds THEM up. It creates a bond. It gives the relationship value.

I'm seeing a pattern that I didn't catch onto in it's entirety until now.

There are fundamental reasons to NOT allow someone to do things for you. ESPECIALLY in a situation where YOU are doing things for THEM. It is because YOU A) Do not WANT to have any reason to feel a bond with them, B) because you want to "look" like a good person, but really you're not quite as genuine and nice as you want people to think you are. C) You flat out do NOT Value them. D) The LAST thing you want, when you are going to be mean and hurtful is to have any type of voice in the back of your mind that says "How could you treat them like that when they did x,y, and Z for you."

And now that I get this, I know a warning sign early on. Rather than spending several years on a one sided friendship like the one with Ginger. A friendship where I appreciated her so much! I didn't know what I would do without her. But she did not reciprocate that gratitude because there wasn't a whole lot I ever did for her. Not because I didn't TRY. I would have bent over BACKWARDS for her. She didn't have any reason to miss or value our friendship, she was out nothing.

I asked Stephanie about this. "You almost seem to CRINGE when I offer to do things for you." Her response was "As far as me not accepting your help on things im not much for accepting help." And I call BS! That's not likely to be the case. And I'll tell you FLAT out that I have learned since then that most likely her aversion to help is for EXACTLY the reasons I listed. She doesn't want to feel indebted to people. Because then, she can't cut ties at will without feeling guilty.

So I'm going to lay it out there.

Your willingness to help me when I ask, but not take help back, is just like the others. It says all of the things that I listed above. A) You Do not WANT to have any reason to feel a bond with me, B) because you want to "look" like a good person, but really you're not quite as genuine and nice as you want people to think you are. C) You flat out do NOT Value me. and D) The LAST thing you want, when you are going to be mean and hurtful is to have any type of voice in the back of your mind that says "How could you treat them like that when they did x,y, and Z for you."

I will NOT get into one sided friendships or relationships anymore. The first time I see the sign that you would bend over backwards for me, but not let me return the favor, I'm OUT!

Relationships

One of the things I struggle with and David and I have had MANY arguments over, are the way people see relationships differently.

I grew up in a Single Parent home. We lived with My Mom's Parents. I had My Aunts, and Cousins around ALL the time. All of My Grandparents are deceased.

David grew up in a Traditional 2 Parent, 4 Children home. He has a relationship with his Extended Family, but not like I had with My Extended Family. His Grandparents are all still living.


The only way I can describe how are views differ is to give examples.

The most recent being the other night.

I have a Friend who is married to a Man who has been married before. And in my opinion, the relationship he has with his Ex-Wife is weird. It seems very hot and cold. He HATES her, and can't say enough about how horrible she is. But she's not only very involved in their Kids' lives, but the lives of the kids he has with his new wife.

There's also (with David and me) the fact that I see relationships very much in black and white. And I think David sees a lot of gray. What I really think is that David knows the gray isn't ok, but doesn't want to admit it.

Like with Jared. It was black and white. My marriage was OVER. I was emotionally DONE. And David knew from day ONE where I stood. That he was pushing it too far, and I was not going to stay around and deal with it anymore. That I was ready to be done and move on.... with the best results possible for the Girls' sake.

I din't pretend at ALL that I was willing to work things out. Which is one reason I got a restraining order FIRST thing. I wanted clear outlined limits. I wanted financial obligations defined, and property settled UP FRONT.

And so while I will admit that what took place between Jared and myself was handled inappropriately, and I had to deal with the consequences, I believe (and the Church approached it) it was more as though I had been Single and been involved with him than as though I had been married and involved with him.

But then there's the "thing" with a couple of David's ex girlfriends. I think he blurs the line sometimes. The "thing" that I mentioned from few years ago where he was talking to his ex girlfriend. And in my mind, the conversations they were having were JUST as bad as having a relationship. But to David, it was too gray to be Bad. Even if he couldn't classify it as white.

Another example is that after I went downstairs to sleep the other night, David came down, and tried to pick a fight. He went off on how if I wanted the kind of relationship his ex girlfriend had with his Grandma, then I should be putting more effort into it.

And I see it as I am married to him. Therefore, it doesn't MATTER if I put in that extra effort or not, I not SHE am still his Wife. And whether his Grandma and I have a close relationship or not, SHE (the ex) still has No CLAIM on it.

I'm not trying to go back to a fight that is done and over with.

I just think it's interesting how people view relationships so differently.

It also goes along with Favoritism. And how so many people don't realize, or won't admit that they do it.

I am fiercely loyal. And I try really hard to be the same "temperature" all the time rather than switching between 2 extremes. And people who are hot and cold, or passive/aggressive give me whiplash! If I liked you yesterday, I like you today, and will like you tomorrow. UNLESS you do something that causes problems for me. I try to never close doors on people and Friendships. But I won't be abused either. And I'm sorry, but we live in a world where people ARE hot one minute and cold the next. And those people often make it almost impossible NOT to be (or appear) passive/aggressive when dealing with them. I once read a quote that said something along the lines of "Don't argue with crazy people, others might not be able to tell which one of you is the crazy one." And it's just like Ginger said about how the "Crazies scare off the Non Crazies."

Anyhow, I realized recently just how much respect I have for people who are able to make up their mind about a topic, and stick with it. Of course, moderation in all things right?! Otherwise, it can turn into being judgmental, and closed minded. But that right there is exactly why BALANCE is so important!