What bothers me the most

I realized this past week what bothers me the very most about the fact that Ginger turned out to be a crappy friend.

It's not that she turned into a crappy Friend. It's that she's been a crappy Friend in Awesome Friend clothing for a while before finally being "true" to form.

Which doesn't just make her a crappy Friend. I would say it officially classifies her as a crappy PERSON!

She is still a Child of God. She still has good qualities. I won't make a laundry list of her problems and faults and what I think of her like she did me.

She's still wrong about me.

And I still have no excuse to be unkind.

But the fact that she can make that list, do it the way she did.... I've been asking her for MONTHS to tell me privately what she was so upset about, and say such awful and untrue things. Not to mention all of the side comments she has been making for almost a year now, not "acknowledging my existence", and griping so much about what an awful person I am (suggestion here: If your husband is tired of hearing you complain about someone, stop complaining and find something positive to talk about. Taking me out of the equation doesn't stop the complaining, it just means you have to complain about something else) to her husband among others.... Certainly doesn't make her the kind of person that I would want to be like.

I have apologized to her MANY times. I apologize to people that I hurt or wrong, whether it be my Children, Husband, Friend, or others. I have and always will stand by those apologies.

But I will say that I shouldn't be the only one apologizing.

And because I have apologized, and because I truly stand by what I have said about the Atonement, and the fact that it makes it wrong for me to slander her and others the way she did me. I won't go off on her mistakes, flaws, issues, and parenting blunders. I won't list the things she is too lazy to do, the way she treats people...including her husband and children, the self esteem issues that she smothers in food and spending, the repressed emotions that lead her to be so critical of others mistakes and so unforgiving, how she interacts with old boyfriends, etc.

I will however say that there are many people that I have reason to be upset with after the past few weeks, and she is the one who I think has the most that she isn't honest about.

So, while her posts that smear me from one side of the manure corral to the other hurt, I'm sure it must be AMAZINGLY therapeutic for her to FINALLY be honest and upfront about who she is and how she thinks. Rather than coating it in her usual passive/aggressive Charade

Ginger

It's funny that I haven't said a word about you or to you in over a month. And it's never been unkind. I SAW the conversations about me. Where YOU insulted ME. I've never said anything negative to or about you. If you disagree, show me the proof.

I look in the mirror every day and ask "What do I need to change." And you may think I need to change a whole lot, but interestingly enough, I haven't been around you since before Christmas. And I PROMISE you that I haven't spoken to any of your friends, except Ashley and Shannon since then. And I can show you hard proof of what I did or didn't say about you.

So, while you rant and rave and call me names, I haven't done ANYTHING.

Oh, and call me whatever you want.... LEAVE MY CHILDREN ALONE!

The TRUTH in relationships

The truth of it is this. ANY one sided relationship will not last. I've thought about this a lot this week. And it's not just relationships where one person seems to do all the giving. But the flip side where one person will give but REFUSES to allow the other to give back.

It's not because the person who is giving and refusing to take gets worn out from always giving that the relationship doesn't make it. It's because there is a REASON the person will not accept returned effort. I have noticed in all of the friendships I have had go down the drain this past week... and unfortunately, they have been plentiful, there was a common denominator. These were friendships where my efforts, help, resources were not acceptable as contribution.

Letting someone "Serve" you builds THEM up. It creates a bond. It gives the relationship value.

I'm seeing a pattern that I didn't catch onto in it's entirety until now.

There are fundamental reasons to NOT allow someone to do things for you. ESPECIALLY in a situation where YOU are doing things for THEM. It is because YOU A) Do not WANT to have any reason to feel a bond with them, B) because you want to "look" like a good person, but really you're not quite as genuine and nice as you want people to think you are. C) You flat out do NOT Value them. D) The LAST thing you want, when you are going to be mean and hurtful is to have any type of voice in the back of your mind that says "How could you treat them like that when they did x,y, and Z for you."

And now that I get this, I know a warning sign early on. Rather than spending several years on a one sided friendship like the one with Ginger. A friendship where I appreciated her so much! I didn't know what I would do without her. But she did not reciprocate that gratitude because there wasn't a whole lot I ever did for her. Not because I didn't TRY. I would have bent over BACKWARDS for her. She didn't have any reason to miss or value our friendship, she was out nothing.

I asked Stephanie about this. "You almost seem to CRINGE when I offer to do things for you." Her response was "As far as me not accepting your help on things im not much for accepting help." And I call BS! That's not likely to be the case. And I'll tell you FLAT out that I have learned since then that most likely her aversion to help is for EXACTLY the reasons I listed. She doesn't want to feel indebted to people. Because then, she can't cut ties at will without feeling guilty.

So I'm going to lay it out there.

Your willingness to help me when I ask, but not take help back, is just like the others. It says all of the things that I listed above. A) You Do not WANT to have any reason to feel a bond with me, B) because you want to "look" like a good person, but really you're not quite as genuine and nice as you want people to think you are. C) You flat out do NOT Value me. and D) The LAST thing you want, when you are going to be mean and hurtful is to have any type of voice in the back of your mind that says "How could you treat them like that when they did x,y, and Z for you."

I will NOT get into one sided friendships or relationships anymore. The first time I see the sign that you would bend over backwards for me, but not let me return the favor, I'm OUT!

Letter to Ginger

I'm sad that we're not the kind of Friends we've been for the past 3 years.

You're one of the ones worth having.

I don't know who's fault it is. It might be mine, it might be yours. It might simply be a case of miscommunication.

But you're one of the Friends who was with me through the marriage I had BEFORE. Then the Divorce. Through getting remarried. Through being pregnant again. And it means something to me.

You KNOW all my faults. You KNOW all the stuff that makes me human. And that's what Friendship is all about... Accepting the good AND bad about someone. That's the kind of Friendship we had.

I miss you. I miss you're Southern Diva ways. You are so good and kind hearted, and I'm sad.

I tried to tell you this once before: you've become like Family.

Special occasions are not the same without you.

Tell me what I can do. Tell me how to be your Friend again.

Thank you for all you've done for us as a Family. Your house is the only one of any of my Friends' houses where we felt so comfortable.... even David.

I'm not shallow. I promise. I just don't know what to do with the way things have been, and I'm no good at keeping my foot out of my mouth.

But NOT ONE of your acts of kindness has ever gone unnoticed. And I am sorry if you felt taken for granted.

Forgive me. Please.

Wyoming Big Show aka Sweetwater County Fair

We could only afford to go once and so we had to choose wisely which was hard for David. And made me a bit sad too. David REALLY wanted to go on Tues. LeAnne Rimes was performing. And here, you get the concert for the price of admission to the Fair. So, for $10 he could have seen her in Concert. Then, there's the Kids Day where the Kids can ride all the rides they want until 5 pm for $15 per child. We had to miss that.

We chose to go today... well, since it's 2 am, technically yesterday.

We got there @ around 1:30 pm. Amie Geddie and 3 of her Children (Charitee 13, and Twins Isaiah, and Harmanee 5) went with us. We started with the booths inside. As we were leaving the main building, we saw Ginger Wallace and her 3 Girls. My Girls were so excited to see them.

Us 3 Families got ice cream, watched Pig Races, saw an ENORMOUS pig, watched the Chicago Sugar Bears perform, and watched a science based magic show. (during which we were very happy to be inside since it rained horribly)

About that time, Amanda Vaughn and her Husband and 2 daughters met up with us.

Then it was time for something to eat. After which Ginger and crew left, and Amanda took our 3 Girls to her house.

Life House was performing tonight. A Group/Band that became popular around 2001 and David and I LOVE. We went to a performance of theirs in 2002 when we were dating and they performed at the Olympics in SLC.

We kept Jacob with us. And The Geddies stayed.

Fun, fun, fun!!! David is a TOTAL Groupie ;-)

Jacob danced to the music a bit, and went to sleep not long after they started to perform. He slept for most of it. We were pretty close to the stage and had a GREAT view. Charitee had worked her way up to the front to be a Teenager.

About 2 songs away from the end, Jacob woke up and there was a decent wind/sand/rain storm.

One HUGE advantage to our location was that all of the people behind us blocked much of the storm. One man behind us offered us his shirt to cover Jacob. We declined, but that was sooo thoughtful.

The weather finally calmed, and Life House even did an Encore number.

Then it was off to get some drinks before everything closed up for the night. Amie had to leave with the Twins, and so we took Charitee home. Then to Amanda's to pick up 3 very crazy Girls, and HOME!

Relationships

One of the things I struggle with and David and I have had MANY arguments over, are the way people see relationships differently.

I grew up in a Single Parent home. We lived with My Mom's Parents. I had My Aunts, and Cousins around ALL the time. All of My Grandparents are deceased.

David grew up in a Traditional 2 Parent, 4 Children home. He has a relationship with his Extended Family, but not like I had with My Extended Family. His Grandparents are all still living.


The only way I can describe how are views differ is to give examples.

The most recent being the other night.

I have a Friend who is married to a Man who has been married before. And in my opinion, the relationship he has with his Ex-Wife is weird. It seems very hot and cold. He HATES her, and can't say enough about how horrible she is. But she's not only very involved in their Kids' lives, but the lives of the kids he has with his new wife.

There's also (with David and me) the fact that I see relationships very much in black and white. And I think David sees a lot of gray. What I really think is that David knows the gray isn't ok, but doesn't want to admit it.

Like with Jared. It was black and white. My marriage was OVER. I was emotionally DONE. And David knew from day ONE where I stood. That he was pushing it too far, and I was not going to stay around and deal with it anymore. That I was ready to be done and move on.... with the best results possible for the Girls' sake.

I din't pretend at ALL that I was willing to work things out. Which is one reason I got a restraining order FIRST thing. I wanted clear outlined limits. I wanted financial obligations defined, and property settled UP FRONT.

And so while I will admit that what took place between Jared and myself was handled inappropriately, and I had to deal with the consequences, I believe (and the Church approached it) it was more as though I had been Single and been involved with him than as though I had been married and involved with him.

But then there's the "thing" with a couple of David's ex girlfriends. I think he blurs the line sometimes. The "thing" that I mentioned from few years ago where he was talking to his ex girlfriend. And in my mind, the conversations they were having were JUST as bad as having a relationship. But to David, it was too gray to be Bad. Even if he couldn't classify it as white.

Another example is that after I went downstairs to sleep the other night, David came down, and tried to pick a fight. He went off on how if I wanted the kind of relationship his ex girlfriend had with his Grandma, then I should be putting more effort into it.

And I see it as I am married to him. Therefore, it doesn't MATTER if I put in that extra effort or not, I not SHE am still his Wife. And whether his Grandma and I have a close relationship or not, SHE (the ex) still has No CLAIM on it.

I'm not trying to go back to a fight that is done and over with.

I just think it's interesting how people view relationships so differently.

It also goes along with Favoritism. And how so many people don't realize, or won't admit that they do it.

I am fiercely loyal. And I try really hard to be the same "temperature" all the time rather than switching between 2 extremes. And people who are hot and cold, or passive/aggressive give me whiplash! If I liked you yesterday, I like you today, and will like you tomorrow. UNLESS you do something that causes problems for me. I try to never close doors on people and Friendships. But I won't be abused either. And I'm sorry, but we live in a world where people ARE hot one minute and cold the next. And those people often make it almost impossible NOT to be (or appear) passive/aggressive when dealing with them. I once read a quote that said something along the lines of "Don't argue with crazy people, others might not be able to tell which one of you is the crazy one." And it's just like Ginger said about how the "Crazies scare off the Non Crazies."

Anyhow, I realized recently just how much respect I have for people who are able to make up their mind about a topic, and stick with it. Of course, moderation in all things right?! Otherwise, it can turn into being judgmental, and closed minded. But that right there is exactly why BALANCE is so important!

A Little Help from my Friends

Can't even believe today. It started fine. We even made it to the park. Of course then the weather got chilly and looked stormy, and it was all down hill from there. But Fortunately, the things that went wrong were only surface.... all though they stung. We got a call saying that the job in Alaska is on hold for the time being. HOWEVER, when they DO interview, David is at the top of the list. BUT that could be June, or it could be February. And while having 2 parents available 24/7 is sure a lot easier than ONE parent, it doesn't do much for our financial plans ;-).

So, then I had a coupon for a free 48 oz carton of ice cream at Smith's that I just HAD to use. And some how, thanks to shallow pockets, I not only lost the COUPON, but $20 (we only had $40) as well. Which SUCKED because we had really been trying to be conservative. Since I went to a movie, I gave up my book (s) that I really want to get. So, that FREE ice cream actually cost us $25.

I come home, and yeah, it sucks ROYALLY that we're stuck possibly even LONGER in this situation, PLUS down $20, BUT David and I are getting along, the kids are doing realitively well, and when I have this kind of luck, I usually end up in jail and that ALWAYS costs us a MIN of $150.... so $20 isn't so bad in relation.

I'm really seeing the glass as half full, but really the only word to describe my thoughts is "SHIT!" ( which I said over and over again as I scoured Smith's for my missing $ and coupon)

And even though I actually apologized UPFRONT for my "abrasive" language, it's MY page, and I wanted to share "Shit!" ;-)

But there always has to be that ONE person, who not only doesn't understand the "pain" but has to make it about THEM. So, one of my Friends from HS, gets offended, and handles it ok, but NOT how the situation NEEDED to be handled. And Ginger hit it RIGHT on the head when she said that the person "...really knows how to pump a girl up when she's down, don't she? Maybe Terrenna should hide your status's if she don't like 'em. :D And I say this with love..." EXACTLY! I needed to be "pumped up" and EVERYONE could either see that and show their support, or see it enough to know NOT to get openly offended. So here I am trying to show Terrenna that I understand, but what she said didn't help any, and she goes one step farther and gets openly offended about offending me.

Meanwhile, I am trying to get in touch with My Mom. Who is not answering her phone or her door even though her car is home. My half full glass was draining REAL fast.

But seriously. Ginger came to the rescue so thoroughly. Because all I really needed was someone to understand. Then Kim. And David was GOLDEN. Then when I DID finally get a hold of My Mom, even she was above and beyond.

And I learned a few valuable lessons.... or rather had them emphasized since I've kind of learned them a bit ago:

1) I have a pretty positive attitude.
2) I am VERY blessed.
3) Education is Key. Terrenna could only be so offended over something so small because she lives in a box.
4) The TRUE show of someone's self esteem is how they treat people when they are hurt. Someone with a low self esteem will try to bring others down to their level, while someone with a healthy self esteem will HATE the thought of someone else feeling the way they currently feel and will try to elevate others.... which is the only REAL medicine for feeling bad about yourself, and pays off.
5) Along with #4, there are things, situations, what have you, that you can only understand if you've experienced it. And people will normally not take your word for it on THESE situations because they SEEM like a gamble. However these situations have "circle" type remedies: You feel bad about yourself, so you try to help someone else, rather than wallow. This leads to a sense of making a difference, which boosts YOUR feeling of self worth, which leads to a higher self esteem, which leads to more contribution. Love works the same way. So does helping/taking care of others.