Death and 2 am

2 am is NOT the time when I should be thinking about death, dying, or any variation of it.

I am tired, but now I have so much on my mind.

Poor David. He doesn't do it on purpose, but he brings up these topics at the most in convenient times.

So, here I am looking at urns and caskets. ACK!

Now that I've gotten it out there, I think I can go to bed now.

It's the BUSIEST time of the year!

We are officially moving. Deposit has been paid, apartment on hold. House 30% packed. Christmas 1 week from today. 60% of the house to be packed. 100% of Mt Washmore... that would be 60 loads of laundry to be washed and packed in 10 days. So I guess, I'd better get off of here since I have to average 6 loads a day, and my normal is 2.

Talk to you next year unless something I just HAVE to blog about immediately comes up.

Clarification

Oh, and no, I don't have any scary disease, AIDS, HIV or any variation there of. Just a weakened immune system, NOTHING YOU CAN CATCH, even if I bleed on you (not that I intend to) and certainly not by touching something I've touched, or sitting on something I've sat on (not to mention the fact that I keep my hands and my Children's hands cleaner than the average citizen)! So any of you who took my last post wrong.... RELAX! I am not a health risk. The only reason I don't broadcast it and only a few know is because it generally NBDB! ;-)

I just feel worn down and wanted to blog about it, since blogs are good for what ails the mind ;-)

Sick, sick, sick

I don't know how many know this. If you were told by me, only a handful. But I'm thinking that more people know than I would like.

Because of poor choices in my early adult years.... recklessness, lack of education when it came to being streetwise, I have a very weak immune system.

And it's on the blitz again. I hate how hard it is to maintain. And I hate that because I don't act fragile it's overlooked. The NUMBER ONE thing that breaks it down is David. He knew before he married me that it was an issue, and he forgets, and when he explodes because he's passive/aggressive and gets to the point where he can't hold the little things that are bothering him.... that have added up for months... inside anymore, it goes a LONG way to breaking it down. Add that to a Funeral, well, and Now I feel like CRAP!

Baby it's Cold Outside.... BRRRR!!!!!

I really can't stay
(but baby it's cold outside)
I've got to go away
(but baby it's cold outside)
This evening has been
(been hoping that you'd drop in)
So very nice
(i'll hold your hands, they're just like ice)
My mother will start worry
(beautiful whats your hurry)
My father will be pacing the floor
(listen to the fireplace roar)
So really i'd better scurry
(beautiful please don't hurry)
but maybe just a half a drink more
(put some records on while i pour)
the neighbors might faint
(baby it's bad out there)
say what's in this drink
(no cabs to be had out there)
i wish i knew how
(your eyes are like starlight now)
to break this spell
(i'll take your hat, your hair looks swell)
i ought to say "no, no, no sir"
(mind if i move in closer)
at least i'm gonna say that i tried
(what's the sense in hurtin' my pride)
i really can't stay
(oh baby don't hold out)

both:baby it's cold out side

i simply must go
(but baby it's cold outside)
the answer is no
(but baby it's cold outside)
your welcome has been
(how lucky that you droped in)
so nice and warm
(look out the window at that storm)
my sister will be suspicious
(gosh your lips look delcious)
my brother will be there at the door
(waves upon the tropical shore)
my maiden aunts mind is vicious
(gosh your lips are delicous)
but maybe just a cigarette more
(never such a blizzard before)
i've gotta get home
(but baby you'd freeze out there)
say lend me a coat
(it's up to your knees out there)
you've really been grand
(i thrill when you touch my hand)
but don't you see?
(how can you do this thing to me?)
there's bound to be talk tomorrow
(think of my lifelong sorrow)
at least there will be plenty implied
(if you got namonia and died)
i really can't stay
(get over that old out)

both:baby it's cold
baby it's cold outside

Cal's Obituary

Calvin Quincy Lundgren 1949 ~ 2010

Calvin Q. Lundgren, age 61, passed away suddenly at his home in Kemmerer, WY. on December 7, 2010. Calvin was born on April 9, 1949, in Nampa, Idaho, the son of Grant Staker and Sylvia Alice (Dowdle) Lundgren. He married Karen Louise Flagg on March 3, 1972 in the Oakland L.D.S. Temple. Calvin was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and enjoyed his many callings he held in the church, which included being a High Priest, serving as financial clerk in his bishopric, serving as a family history teacher, and also as a family history consultant. Calvin loved being in the great outdoors, fishing, camping, and especially spending time with his family, children, and grandchildren. He loved to build things, and work with his hands. At the time of his death, he was employed with Redi Services, as a master electrician. He is survived by his wife, Karen Lundgren, of Kemmerer, WY; sons: Calvin Anthony (Michelle) Lundgren, West Jordan, UT; David (Kim) Lundgren, of Diamondville, WY; Matthew G. (Tiziana) of Hyrum, UT; and Michael (Kathryn) Lundgren, of Kemmerer, WY; his daughters, Heather (David) Boone, of Tooele, UT; and Anita (Robert) Gerber, of North Logan, UT. He is also survived by his brothers, Steven (Linda) Lundgren, of Texas; Carbon (Lucinda) Lundgren, of West Valley, UT; Phillip (Vivian) Lundgren, of Kearns, UT; and Bill (Lena) Lundgren, of Auburn, CA. He is also survived by his 14 grandchildren, Adam, Camille, Kelly, Benjamin, Daniel, Alessia, William David, Celeste, Scott, Callie Joy, Mary, Lily, Wyatt, and Rebecca. Calvin was preceded in death by his parents. Visitation will be held at Ball Family Chapel, on Monday, December 13, 2010 from 6:00 p.m. until 8:00 p.m. and again one hour prior to services at the church on Tuesday. Funeral services will be conducted on Tuesday, December 14, 2010 at 10:00 a.m. at the Kemmerer L.D.S. Stake Center, Kemmerer, WY; with Bishop Dennis Cartwright officiating. Interment and graveside services will take place at the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah at 2:30 p.m. Ball Family Chapel of Kemmerer, WY. in charge of arrangements.

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning .. to the end. He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears. But he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on the earth. And now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth. For it matters not how much we own ... the cars ... the house ... the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash. So think about this long and hard. Are there things you'd like to change? For you never know how much time is left. **You could be at "dash mid-range.** If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real and always try to understand the way other people feel. And be less quick to anger and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives like we've never loved before. If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile remembering that this special dash might only last a little while. So when your eulogy's being read with your life's action to rehash ... Would you be proud of the things they say about how you spent your dash?

Thanks to Abby

Today's quote, thank to Abby:

"Well, today's eight-year-olds are tomorrow's teenagers. I say this calls for action and now. Nip it in the bud. First sign of youngsters going wrong, you've got to nip it in the bud."....Barney Fife

It's been a variety for SURE

Friday night, thanks to my WONDERFUL Husband I was able to drive with Elizabeth to Kemmerer, Wy to spend time with the Lundgren Family. A Family who has been there for me, and with me through MUCH and Many years! From Jr High, to High School, and beyond to marriage and Motherhood. From my first date with David Lundgren through various boyfriends, to marriage, divorce, and marriage again.

I didn't PLAN on it, but packed an overnight bag just in case weather was bad. Funny, because David knew I wouldn't be back until Sat. When it came down to it, and I WASN'T leaving, I felt so at home spending the night.... because even though it was a different house, I still felt so at home. Because to me, the Lundgrens have always symbolized home and family to me. Many Christmases have come and gone with them being a constant in my life!

I used to refer as the Christmas feeling I got every year as the "David Feeling" because it's the same feeling I always got being with David Lundgren. It's interesting because even with being married to different people, I see the importance of having him in my life still. We now fit more into a Friendship/sibling relationship role, but I realized on Friday how important having him in those roles is to my life.

After being in Kemmerer I needed to get back for Elysia and Abby's Birthday party. I think spending the time in Kemmerer altered my feelings on the relationships I have A LOT! I am so very grateful for the people in my life. And the ones that have taken themselves out of my life, it's THEIR loss. They are truly missing out because I am a loyal and caring friend who would enrich their lives. The people who came to the party made a HUGE impact with the effort they made to show their love and support.

And then, Amanda Vaughn decided they should come over and play games. THANK YOU AMANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU! I love you for working with my crazy! For understanding that it serves a purpose. For being so much fun despite my quirks, and for late night trips to make fools of ourselves at the store!

What I want you to remember about me

I am passionate about the People and ideals that matter to me. Untamed is probably the Best word you'll ever find to describe me, and I'm proud of it. I love deeply and try to always give 100%. I love My Husband and Children more than ANYTHING! I believe in God as our Father. I believe in Jesus Christ and that He died to ransom us from our natural mistakes as mortals. I try every day to more successfully follow His example and treat others the way He treated the people around Him. I believe that the KEY to being a good person is the Golden Rule also know as Empathy.... if we could only treat others the way we want to be treated, how much better would this world be! I believe that Families are Forever. That My Husband and Children and I can be together after this life ends. I believe that as Man is, God once was, and as God is, Man can become. I believe that education is CRUCIAL to success in this life.... we need to educate our children about the dangers and how to be responsible with their choices in life. I believe that too many parents want others to teach their children the things that THEY should be teaching them, and then don't like the results. NO SUCCESS can compensate for Failure in the Home. I do not like the Government interfering in my life, and I HATE those who take advantage of the Freedoms that so many Men and Women have given their lives to protect. I HATE illegal immigration. I was a Soldier for 5 years, and am to this day a Soldier to my CORE. I have been married twice to the same Man for a total of 8 years. I have 4 WONDERFUL Children, and would love to have more. I LOVE life and am determined to make it a successful experience so that when I leave it and move onto the next, I can look back with contentment rather than regret. I believe that there is life after this and that we will have to answer for every choice we make. And Love. Above all, I believe in Love. And the power it has to change... and SAVE peoples' souls!

The Wall

"We don't need no education.
We don't need no thought control.
No dark sarcasm in the classroom.
Teacher, leave those kids alone.
Hey, Teacher, leave those kids alone!
All in all it's just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.
We don't need no education.
We don't need no thought control.
No dark sarcasm in the classroom.
Teachers, leave those kids alone.
Hey, Teacher, leave those kids alone!
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall. "

Squeezing every tear out

My Friend's dad died today.

I could leave it at that, and it almost sums it up.

But there really is so much it doesn't.

First, I am so truly sad for her and her family.

This man was very important to them.

He was a Horrible husband and Father for a span of years. When I met them, he was on his way out of their lives.

And then, he came back. And he mended broken ties and broken hearts.

And I witnessed this over years that were very fundamental in shaping my outlook and the way I chose for MY life.

This Family is so important to me, and my heart breaks with theirs!

The last time I cried like this, was when my Grandma died.

I am about to send out Christmas Cards. I send one to them every year. This year will not be the exception. But he won't ever see it.

And every tear that can squeeze it's way out of my heart and soul over this WILL before the year is over.

I will cry today. Much more than I have already. And I will cry when I see his Family. I will cry at his viewing. At his Funeral.

Heather, Anita, Karen, Matt, Calvin, David, Michael.... my heart goes out to you. ESPECIALLY the first 3. His wife, Karen, and 2 daughters.... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Success

‎"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."
– Sir Winston Churchill

TRUE Christmas... what REALLY matters

I woke up this afternoon.... I was EXHAUSTED.... to DRAMA that was all ABOUT something I'd done, but was taking place AROUND me not WITH me. People who want to piss and moan over stupid things that just happen.

And I am Happy. I have all of the things in my life that REALLY matter. I have my BEAUTIFUL 4 Children. My Husband who wanted me to have a good night even though I was having drama after drama swirling all around me, so he bought a game that I wanted over one he wanted AND brought me home a surprise Raspberry Lemonade that you can't get just ANYWHERE. Then he cleaned up and got the children to bed so I could relax and decorate some more.

I have the ability to forgive, and a grateful personality. SO many people live life without those traits.

I am not ugly. I can be really cute.

And I have all of my basic needs taken care of.

I have some REALLY good Friends, and Family.

God is sooooooo GOOD to me!

I have all of the makings for a WONDERFUL Holiday season!

Thank HEAVEN my Husbands smarter than I give him credit for!

SO after using David as a sounding board, things may not be so bad, and the Friendships are hopefully still intact just parts of them are different.

The Christmas Decorating was still a good idea, and It looks and smells so festive in here.

Buying more Scentsy is always good too!

Decorating for Christmas

I wasn't going to decorate because I'm hoping that we'll be moving by Jan 1st or maybe even Christmas and the last thing I need right now is more to have to pack and organize.... and since it's already packed up.... well, I'm sure you get the point.

Anyhow, David told me that he wants to move before Christmas so that we can have Christmas decorations up.

I have lost a couple of Friendships this week that I'm pretty sad about. And I don't understand what exactly happened, so I'm even more down about it.

SO, I decided the best way to pull out of it was to decorate for Christmas.

I'm glad too because it HAS helped a lot, and I realized that all of the stuff I'm taking down in exchange for the Christmas decorations can go straight into boxes or totes.

I got David to let me get a couple of new Scentsy Warmers too.

Possessions don't take the place of Friendships, but doing something like Christmas decorating and buying new stuff always seems to help. It's like ice cream. Ice cream can fix ANYTHING ;-)

How lonely it must be

I know WAY too many people that are only friends with ANYONE superficially. They are so afraid of being hurt, out shined, what ever to let anyone closer than arms length.

The problem that this causes for someone like me is 1) that it's hard to make real friends because no one wants to be or have a real friend, and 2) that people like that do a LOT of damage to people like me who actually care.

Aren't you lonely? Is it really so much better this way? Would you really rather be stand offish, and have people around you for superficiality?

I do NOT know how to love by halves. I either Love you or Hate you. And when you do things that push me towards hating you, I put that much more into loving you because convince yourself all you want that I'm a problem for this, but you know deep down that you wish more people cared that much!