Family

I have 7 Family Members besides me.  That is it. My Husband, My Mother, and My 5 Children.  Those are THE only people who will ever put my well being high on any list.  I have come to accept this. It sucks.

Father and Daughter

The bond between father and daughter happens instantly, starting right at birth,
When a father first lays eyes on his little girl he loves her more than anything on this earth,
When a daughter grows older her father is the first man she will love,
And the last one her father will have trouble letting go of,
In her eyes he is the closest thing to God, in her eyes he is a King,
To her father she means the world, she means everything.
When a daughter grows up to be an adult and mature,
Her father will always be there anytime she still needs dad to help her,
To give her advice or just-for anything she will ever need,
The bond between father and daughter is the most important bond indeed,
It cannot be broken when she finds a man, and become his wife,
It cannot be broken even in the ending of either ones life,
A daughter will always have the memories of her father, her best friend
This bond has a beginning, but there is never an end.
The bond between a father and daughter is so profound
The love shared is well renowned,
From the beginning of his daughters life, he is a changed man,
At that moment his life really just began.
From the moment their eyes meet,
two souls instantly become complete.

Holiday cheer, bah hum bug!!!

It is NOT a good day in the season for me.  For starters, I didn't want to get out of bed.  I shouldn't have.  But My Girls had to be to school.

I'm driving down the Mountain View Corridor, because that is THE fastest, simplest and best way to get to Elizabeth's car pool drop off destination.

And this "Man" swerves over in front of me with NO signal. I was in the RIGHT hand lane.  I slammed on my breaks and flashed my lights (because of the lack of signal... I mean COME ON! It's the LAW)

I then changed lanes.  He swerved back over to the left lane... again sans signaling.  I didn't have time or the patience for this.  I had a load of children in my mini van that needed to get to their destinations safely.

He proceeded to ride the middle of the 2 lanes so there was NO where for me to go.  he alternated between that and swerving between the lanes for about a mile. When I finally got around him, he went all drag racing on me and actually acted like he might swerve into me. Of course when I got up next to him I rolled down my window and asked if he was out of his mind.  He then either called the police, or pretended to call the police on ME!!!!

WTFFFFFFF?!?!?!?!?

I wasn't willing to try my luck and stick around to tell the REAL story.... again, I needed to get away from this loony.  So I left him to sit on the side of the road with his cell phone and put as many cars in between him and myself as possible.

**********************************************

I stop at the gas station after all of The Girls were safely at school,  to get a "well deserved" doughnut.  And as I'm pulling out, I had to back up a little because my nose was out too far for the not the brightest star in the sky people going past.  And the guy behind me honks at me.  I was fed up at this point.  Dude, just back up a little.  I looked as I walked back towards him.... he had plenty of room between our bumpers.

I said "I'm sorry, I had to move or I was gonna get hit."  He proceeded to yell a list of things I SHOULD have done instead of the simplest and easiest answer of BACKING UP.  At that point, I called him a pig.  And left.  Childish of me, ok.  But C'MON!!!


So Now, I'm dealing with our "Family" Christmas get together on the 26th.  I knew it was going to happen that everyone besides the Host for our Thanksgiving gathering provided MOST of the meal. , but not one person was going to even OFFER to help out with the Christmas one (since it's at my house).  I should take it as a compliment.  I can handle it just fine.

But it sucks that not ONE person has offered.  SO, they will get what I make.  Asparagus, green beans, and a chocolate chip loaf for dessert. (Of course there will be other foods, but they will be tasteful and healthy vs the loads of starches that these people are used to)  And I don't want to hear ONE complaint. :P

Writers Block and Karma

I have really had a hard time getting on here to post.  The past 4 months or so have been a WHIRLWIND!!!

We moved into our house :D

The Girls started School. :D

We LOVE our life.

I started getting whiny a couple of weeks ago about the way David's Family behaves.  And Rachel pointed out to me that Karma is a Bitch.  And I need to just remember that Karma will step in at some point.

That is something I just need to hold on to.

SO, I refuse to let myself be weaker than I am and stoop to the level where I am taking more than I give.  Because someday, someone will try to take the liberty of whining about how hard they have it (when they stood by and let me handle EVERYTHING on my own) and I will be able to look at the situation with a clear conscience, and not do a damn thing.

Awful to take that view on it, maybe.

But here's the thing.

I believe in helping others.

I believe in treating them how I want them to treat me.

But, I believe that it's ok to try my best to help.  To be willing and available to help.  And when they turn my help down over and over, and refuse to return the courtesy, to do MY best and then step back and allow them to have to do their best when it's their turn.

This isn't meant as saying "I love my life. Now deal with yours."

This is me saying,  "I.Love. My. Life."  And "I will give 100% when it's my turn." And "If you choose NOT to give that same 100% when it's your turn, YOU can deal with the consequences."

Anyway.  I will always give my best.  Because Karma and God are real, and I want to be on Their good side ;-)  Because, I LOVE MY LIFE!!!

David

I LOVE My Husband.  I came across a message from him to someone that said "One simple truth in Life that you and many other people seem to not understand is that "YOU ALWAYS HAVE TIME AND MONEY FOR WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU!"

We have a High enough Self Esteem and aren't so Stupid to think that because someone says "No" it's a personal attack"

I L O V E this statement. I love that he said the words "WE have a high enough self esteem..."

I have had a few conversations with him lately where he has said things that put me to shame.

I loved who he was before he left on his mission at 20. I loved who he was when we were dating and engaged. I loved who he was at points in our marriage. I loved who he was when we were divorced. I loved who he was at points in our marriage since then. But NONE of that compares to how much I L O V E who he is NOW!!!!

Our God will never us forsake

This Quote: "The Quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains

while the Company is true. " Is how I feel about the current task, trial, possible blessing that is the circumstance we are currently in this summer.

I fear that I do not have the strength or the resources in my sight to pull off this move.

On top of that we need to have an extra $2100 before we can move. That's above and beyond normal living  expenses.

And I have had Blessing after Blessing that point to it all working out.  And theoretically, it should.  We had the extra $2000 for the van when we needed it. And I feel that we NEED this.  So I find comfort in the words to the song "Come, Come Ye Saints." 

1. Come, come, ye Saints, no toil nor labor fear;
   But with joy wend your way.
   Though hard to you this journey may appear,
   Grace shall be as your day.
   'Tis better far for us to strive
   Our useless cares from us to drive;
   Do this, and joy your hearts will swell--
   All is well! All is well!
   
   
2. Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
   'Tis not so; all is right.
   Why should we think to earn a great reward
   If we now shun the fight?
   Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
   Our God will never us forsake;
   And soon we'll have this tale to tell--
   All is well! All is well!
   
   
3. We'll find the place which God for us prepared,
   Far away in the West,
   Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;
   There the Saints will be blessed.
   We'll make the air with music ring,
   Shout praises to our God and King;
   Above the rest these words we'll tell--
   All is well! All is well!
   
   
   I am strong.  I have proven this.  I KNOW God is mindful of us.  I know we are doing a good job.  I know we have his support.
   
   
   President Hinckley, our Prophet until his death a few years ago said:
   
   

   

   And I feel confident that I am good at having faith and moving forward with a Happy Spirit. So, Here goes ;-)

Independence Day... God Bless the USA

If Tomorrow all the things were gone, I'd worked for all my life.  And I had to start again, with just My Children and My Wife....

This is for you Bobby.  I will NEVER forget you singing this at Grandma's house... I believe on the 4th of July.  And I think we were waiting to go watch fireworks.

And I think we were BFF's in the making.  And I lost track of you.   :(

And after all these years, I can't think of a DAMN thing I can do about it.

But I love you. And I'm sorry. And if there is any salvation, I will try to make it right.

And in light of your Dad's passing, your upcoming Birthday, and it almost being the 4th of July, I think this song fits best now:

Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today 
Is a day of reckoning.
Let the weak be strong,let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay
It's Independence Day.

God Bless the USA!!!!  And all of the people like you and your Dad ♥♥♥

Tough

I have learned through MUCH trial and error, that the times when I try to put limits on what I can put up with, is when some of the most FIERCE trials come.

And I FIRMLY believe that it's The Lord's way of showing me that I am stronger than I think.

It's become so consistent, that one day when David was in town last, I shared this with him.... and was SHOCKED when he put his arms around me and said "It's ok, you can be weak for once."  And I just cried while he held me.

But this past month, I have had things THROWN at me (figuratively, of course ;-) ) and as I push through, I have watched as weaker people HAVE crumbled.  And I don't say this to gloat.  I boast only of My God, and what HE has shown me!!!!  He has shown me just how much I CAN do! ♥

.... In other news, David will be home in 10 days :D

Remember

I remember you. Do you remember me?  Do you remember Grandma had that one specific tree?

We had to be just 3 or 4.  You were right there... just next door.

I think there's an idea behind what is, but what?  You won't get close enough to tell.

It took me all these years to see, I left you there in Hell.

So now, it doesn't matter who or where I am.  You have left, gone away, and become a foreign Man.

Do you remember that one time you called me on the phone?

Do you remember that one time we had that crash right near your home?

I walked away both times.  I Don't know what you did then.

And now I'm trying to sort it out.... unless all the sorting's done.

Death of a Marine

My Uncle Guy.... My Mom's Twin

A Change of Attitude

I went to the Temple yesterday.  There were 25 or so of us on the Session.  ONE Male. It was a much more intimate and interactive than any session I have ever experienced.  The Women with me all seemed to be like minded.... and like hearted.  We helped eachother with clothing malfunctions, and little encouragements.  As I sat in the Celestial room, very emotional, one of them quietly touched my leg in encouragement and love.

I then was fortunate enough to have Hirum Sanders give me a blessing.  Where I was told that I have an important mission here on earth, and part of it is raising a wonderful family.  That I will have what I need.... not always what I want, but what I need. I was advised to keep The Lord close. (BELIEVE ME, I plan too.) ♥

Then, to top of the Trifecta ;-) David took a moment and filled my emotional and spiritual cup to the brim with an understanding and comment that was EXACTLY what I needed, and showed more love than anything else he could have said.  I will recreate it to the best of my ability: (background, I am worried about our ability to officially move into this house) He said, "You are overthinking this. This house is where we have decided to move Our Family to.  This house is where we have put money into moving. We plan and work towards moving into it."  When I asked if my spending choices have hurt our ability, and said "I could have done better." He said, "We can always  do better.  We can't do anything about yesterday."

Bless My Soul Mate for truly loving me.... and taking the time to love me the way I needed him to.

To finish the evening off, the police showed up at my door.  And I knew I was being watched out for when they left in obvious annoyance at whomever called them to report we were being too loud.  One of them said "As long as you are doing your best... it's an apartment for heaven's sake." With an eye roll. (not directed toward me... but at being called over something so stupid.) This scenario cemented my conviction that we need to get out of here ASAP!!!!

I'm trying to create

Tapping into my Spirituality is so emotionally intense. So instead of many words right now, here are a couple of pictures.

These are my new Mother's Day Willow Tree Figures :D

The one with the cat, labeled "Kindness" will sit at the feet of the one with the 2 children labeled "Quietly."

I refer to them as Jacob, Bella, and Elysia. ;-) (can you guess which "child" is which?)

I will be adding a 3rd piece for Father's Day.

The grouping of the 3 pieces, will represent Our Family.  With each family member "present" ♥

I had to do it.

Sometimes, the very best thing is to be there for someone for a little while, and then cut free.

I've been very angry in the past when this has happened to me.

It's hurt a lot.

And it comes often when I'm already overwhelmed.

But it is better than being a parasite on either end.

I have come to see the value in being cut free. Both being on the giving end, AND being on the receiving end.

But when I'm going to do more damage staying in the relationship.... again, whichever end I'm on.  It just needs to be severed.

I'm surprisingly grateful for those who have cut me free.  Sorry that sometimes, I am lost and confused and lash out initially.

I'm so very grateful for who I am in general.  And those heartaches are just as vital to that as the high points.

Amberleah, I love you.  You are someone I care about deeply.  I love your kids.  And though it is a sisterly love, vs romantic, I hope you will see that the "If you love it, set it free.." way of thinking can apply to ANY type of love.

I don't think you and I are helping each other right now.  We are BOTH in the middle of intense circumstances.  Too much involved in our own Gethsemane to be able to take on each other's struggles too.  Someday you may miss me.  Some day you may see the value in when I was around.  Feel free to reach out.... but NOT in an abusive way. Not in a hurtful way.  There will always be room for you.  But NEVER room for the negativity of you lashing out.  Get the lashing out part out of your system BEFORE you decide to reach out.

Bullying

Today I feel lost.  And I HATE that.  I HATE that it is partially based on a statement made by someone I have NO investment in whatsoever.  And on top of that, the ridiculousness of the situation made it laughable.  It SHOULDN'T have hurt or affected me AT ALL!!!!  Moving on should have been a CINCH.

And yet......

I value myself WAY more than to believe there was ANYTHING to what he said.  But there's that thought in the back of my head "SOMETHING about me made him chose THOSE words." "SOME part of what he said must have have logical backing to it."

It's my need for things to make sense, when sometimes, they just DON'T!!!

Being Judged

While at Panda Express with Amberleah, her 2 Boys, and My 5 Kids tonight, we encountered a "Man," his Wife, and 2 Sons.

They seemed overly agitated with us for no reason that I could figure.

I KNOW we're insanely loud and obnoxious with 7 Kids in a restaurant.

I know M A N Y people seem overly concerned with my parenting, and many disapprove of how I am as a Parent. Good thing they don't have to have me for a Mom. (I'm just as grateful to NOT be THEIR Mom!!!)


Anyhow, FINALLY, after several not so covert looks in our direction, I asked if there was a problem. He replied snarkily, with something along the lines of "No.  What makes you think I care enough to look at you." I let him know that I was moving on, and it was unwise of him to make more of it than it was with the Children around. He couldn't let it go.

He and His Family quickly left the restaurant, and as he walked out the door, he said "Goodbye, you Awful Looking Thing."

He then walked to the window, and twirled his finger by his ear to indicate my looniness.

I was hurt.  Basically by the fact that as someone who had never seen me before in his LIFE, he cared to hurt me.

I was talking to David about it afterwards and this was his assessment:

He is under the impression that this "Man" thought Amberleah and I were maybe a "couple".

This being Utah, he was probably a "Typical Utah Mormon."  And was offended by our existence.

Thus, the usage of the word "Thing."

I don't know if this assessment makes me feel better or worse or the same about the situation.

Here is the thing:

First off, I am not a Lesbian.  How DARE he assume that just because 2 Women and their Kids are having dinner, that we are anything but that.

Second, so WHAT if I was!!!!!!  I wasn't doing ANYTHING but eating my dinner and supervising my 5 Children.

Lesbian or not, I am a Human Being.

That behavior makes me ill!!!!

Blood Debt

This is my phrase to describe the payment that gets exacted on a periodic basis in my life.

It involves great injury to my Soul.  Sometimes to my body as well.

It has come in the form of an abusive marriage.  Inconsiderate Strangers. "Friends". And Ignorant Elected Officials.

The thing about this "Blood Debt" or "Blood Payment" as I should PROBABLY call it, is that once it is "paid", things that I am stressed about usually work out.

It seems to be the balancing force of the Karma in my life.

So, I have a love/hate relationship with it.

I'm getting better at working through the Soul Piercing pain that comes with it. :)

This Girl is On Fire

My New Theme Song.  Cliche, I know.  Everyone and their DOG has latched onto this song.  But I SERIOUSLY want this to be how I'm remembered ....

She's just a girl, and she's on fire
Hotter than a fantasy, lonely like a highway
She's living in a world, and it's on fire
Feeling the catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away

Oh, she got both feet on the ground
And she's burning it down
Oh, she got her head in the clouds
And she's not backing down

This girl is on fire
This girl is on fire
She's walking on fire
This girl is on fire

Looks like a girl, but she's a flame
So bright, she can burn your eyes
Better look the other way
You can try but you'll never forget her name
She's on top of the world
Hottest of the hottest girls say

Oh, we got our feet on the ground
And we're burning it down
Oh, got our head in the clouds
And we're not coming down

This girl is on fire
This girl is on fire
She's walking on fire
This girl is on fire

Everybody stands, as she goes by
Cause they can see the flame that's in her eyes
Watch her when she's lighting up the night
Nobody knows that she's a lonely girl
And it's a lonely world
But she gon' let it burn, baby, burn, baby

This girl is on fire
This girl is on fire
She's walking on fire
This girl is on fire

Oh, oh, oh...

She's just a girl, and she's on fire

Olympus Has Fallen.... and a New House

Have you seen "Olympus Has Fallen"?

This movie ROCKED MY WORLD.... and it didn't hurt that Gerard Butler was in it ;-)

*Spoiler Alert if you haven't seen it, and plan to*

The security of our Nation is breached, and the White House is home to a group of Terrorists in THIRTEEN  minutes. Start to Finish.

Masses slaughtered.

And that was traumatic for me!

Because unlike some people would LIKE to believe, all is NOT well in ZION, and this really IS plausible.

************************************************

So Meanwhile...

We found a house.  And I W A N T it B A D L Y!!!!!!!!

And we're playing the waiting game.

:P

Remember the house in Tooele that I fell IN LOVE with a few years ago?

Yeah.  I don't want a replay of not getting it.

Fingers crossed.

XXXXXXXXX

And PRAYERS!!!!!

TOTAL Honesty

THE 2 moments of truth for me that came from General Conference this weekend came today.

1:  The phrase "I love everything about you" was stated as a phrase we should use with our children to help them feel they are of great worth.

Upon hearing this phrase, I realized that I could not say this about/to My Children.
This is NOT any fault of theirs.

And I felt HORRIBLE at this realization.  And I Immediately put making this phrase work for me into action.

I realized that if every time Jacob (or The Girls) did or said something I struggled with, my inner AND outer dialogue was "I love everything about you" rather than "You pain in the Ass!"  Things could change drastically.

And so.  I have made it a reality.  Because as Elder Holland pointed out:  We need only to believe. The faith in the action can come later....but if we believe and are willing to "fake it till we make it," Eventually, that knowledge will come.

2: Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness.  I struggle forgiving others.  A LOT.  Because I feel like it takes away from my ability to protect myself.... and My Family.

I will be working on this immediately.... but it will take more time to figure out the ins and outs of this one.

♥♥♥♥♥

I don't see My Husband for 4 weeks at a time. I manage EVERYTHING while he is gone.... If something goes wrong, I'm the ONLY one there to handle it. I oversee 5 VERY high maintenance Children... their schooling, their manners, their health, their safety. Occasionally, I take on Friends' children... some high maintenance... because I care about the people in my life.

I struggle to balance a very full life that doesn't always go smoothly. But I do it. I have been through Many hard life scenarios. I have been humbled Many times. Sometimes we haven't known how our BASIC bills were going to get paid, and if there is negotiating or pleading that has to be done, I am the one who has to do it. Maintaining balance, also MY job alone.

And to compensate, and make things a little sweeter, and easier, when we have the ability, we sometimes spend our resources on unnecessary AS WELL as necessary luxuries. I have a Husband who fortunately is willing to spoil me a bit ;-) when he can to help ease the stress. And we like to keep busy having as much fun as we can. Yesterday things were so hard, and I was so lonely and depressed, I considered medication..... NOT for the first time. And today, My Husband let me go and buy a "treat" to give me an extra "pick me up" because that is the ONLY thing he can do to help from 1 mile south of the Canadian border... 1200 miles away, to show that he appreciates my efforts (sometimes, I don't even have the "luxury" of speaking to him on a daily basis)

I DO NOT have room in my life for extra NEGATIVITY. AT ALL. I am CONSTANTLY having to defend myself. And it should NOT be to My "Friends". If you want that title, you should be a positive in my life, not a drain on the balance of positivity that I have to fight every day to maintain.

If I remove you from my life, it's NOT because I don't care.... it's because I don't feel that YOU do. 

I want to make sure I point out, that I L O V E my life.  I L O V E what I do.  But that doesn't mean it's not H A R D!!!!

What I get out of disappointment

David and i just got screwed out of EVERY holiday this year....inCLUDING Mother's Day, My Birthday, Our Anniversary, Halloween.... by his new schedule.

I cried.  IMAGINE having your husband in another state for 4 Straight Weeks.  And having him gone for EVERY holiday between New Year's and the following Christmas.

I am soooo disappointed.  So SAD! So LONELY!  I feel SO let down.

B U T.  Here is what I get from this.

A)  My Father (God) has a different plan.  And He knows best.  Which means it just might be a BETTER plan ;-)

B)  It's time to be a Better Mom.  If I'm what they've got for all those special times, I'll give them THE best.

C) It's time to Move.  I HAVE to be in a good house where I can raise my Family.

That's all I have for now.... but this will be interesting.

Roller Skating and Blessings

It's been an intense few weeks.  I got REALLY, SUPER down.  And then, the pressure Broke!  David came home, Friends came around, and we traded in the Impala for a Brand New Dodge Grand Caravan.


And THEN, David got to stay for an extra day, and we went roller skating.

And I cannot believe what I learned from our hour and 45 minutes of roller skating... and the drive home after.

I L O V E My Family.  I love My Girls so much.  And My Boy.... he is such an adventure.  I just love watching their BIG personalities.  NONE of them are "run of the mill."  NOT ONE is the same as any of the others.

And then, on the way home, I got pulled over.  And Bless this Police Officer:  He simply told me to "Turn on (my) lights."  And then wished me a safe journey and walked away.  YIKES!!!! The Impala had automatic lights.  The van does NOT.  I REALLY need to watch that!  But thank GOD for a KIND Officer.

David left tonight.  And I'm so grateful for him.  And sad to say "Goodbye." ♥

And THEN, I was DREADING coming home and having to get the 5 kids bathed and to bed by myself... and I KNOW God knew I was worried, because it just wasn't near as hard as I feared. There's NO other answer to that.

WOW. Timing!!!

"If you’ve ever been told that you are too much.
Too big.
Too bright.
Too intense.
If you’ve ever been made to feel that you need to dull down your brightness, your beauty.
To dumb down your words.
To fit into a box that is much too small for the magnificence of your being.
That somehow, by being the person that you are, you believe that you’ll snatch that opportunity away from everyone else.
If you have allowed those messages to catch you up, take your breath away, and teach you how to relate to the world by shrinking and hiding from the full breadth of the amazing, deep, creative and gorgeous person that you are…
This post is for you."

Connecting

An interesting thought was shared with me today: "Kids will settle for attention. What they really want is connection." And I realized that brings to light many levels of issues in my OWN life.

I too want to connect. And something I realized that I think pushes people away, is that I want to connect all of the time over EVERYTHING. And that's excessive.

My OCD tendencies often stem from over stimulation issues. As intense as I am, I get over stimulated, and over connected easily.

It's like I have tentacles of nerve endings that search for constant connection and find stimulation over ANYTHING and EVERYTHING they come into contact with. And while itch for that, those nerve endings are also very sensitive and get over loaded REALLY REALLY easily.

Light and Fire

My name means "Full of Light." Not to toot my own horn, but I have been told I give off light. I know I'm not perfect. But I try to live my life in such a way that I would think would exude light.

And yet, people shy away. LOTS of people. Especially people... Men.... in positions of authority.

And I was thinking about it yesterday.

Why, if someone is "bright" would you not like them?

But then I realized: Light can be intense. It can be hot. It can burn you.

And I realized that I can be intense. And I can DEFINITELY be fiery.

So. Two possible situations: Either, being full of light is only in my head, and I don't actually put that outward. Or I'm TOO intense.

Because a person that gives off a warm, comfortable glow would be someone I would think people would gravitate toward.

***************************************************

This brings me to the other thing on my mind: I am actually N O T bi polar. But I often feel bi polar. And it's because there is a CONSTANT battle inside of me. The battle between who I am, who I try to be, and who I want to be. And those parts of me are CONSTANTLY in battle with each other. NOT because of any mental illness. But because I AM different parts of a whole. I am Spirit. I am Flesh and Blood. And they are parts born of different elements. Parts that hail from different circumstances. Parts that some times want different things.

I believe that this form of "Bi polarity" is normal for each of us. And it is ACTUALLY those who try to deny that reality that experience problems. Because they are in denial. And it brings even more inner conflict than just acknowledging that there is a natural inner struggle. SO: I AM two halves of a whole. I admit this. I embrace this. Now I struggle to bring both halves into harmony. And that makes me often feel and even come across as VERY conflicted.... and even Bi polar.

Have you seen my tattoo? I L O V E my tattoo. Because it speaks novels (ok, maybe only novEL) about me. It depicts the struggle for balance in my life.;-)

Thank you to those who truly get me. You are few but valued ♥

Magic....and Anger

I took My 3 Oldest to see Disney On Ice tonight. It truly was Magical. I LOVED experiencing it with them. I was just as excited by it.... maybe almost more so, as they were.

And I LOVED that they got to have a Magical experience. And I caught myself tearing up. Because I want them to have these moments to buoy them up during those less magical moments in life.

And then I came home, and was reading about some of the things taking place in our Country under this POS President we have in charge of our fate.

And then I read about a Father watching his young Son pass away.

And I cried. Out of despair and ANGER.

With so much Beauty and the fragility of life out there, why is there so much hate, and manipulation in the world?

Can't these people, like our "fearless" (HEAVY sarcasm) Leaders see that they're wasting so much on things that strip the tenderness and beauty from the souls of those who deserve better?

Aw Shit! And other issues of the week

My Filter is gone. Not that I had a very good one to begin with ;-)

I do however, strive to be a Lady. I don't always succeed, BUT, I try.

This post was 90% done, and was deleted. So I am going to TRY to put it back together. So please forgive me if it seems choppy. Instead of a thesis, it's going to be more like a bunch of short stories. So here goes.

* I am so very content in My Marriage right now. I pray David knows how into this I am. How content I am. And feels the same.
We have worked hard, and now enjoy many comforts that we haven't had in the past.

* I am so very grateful for Mark, Sean, and Dan. They have helped us so much the past couple of weeks as we've tried to move to a less mice infested garage. I truly love them and am grateful to have them as Family.

* We had a Family Gathering on Sunday. I almost didn't go. Because I refuse to disrespect ANYONE in their own home. And I didn't feel that I owed Douglas that respect (he and Tracy were hosting) due to what I consider his lack of shared participation in the Family as a whole. However, once I decided to go, and entered his home, giving him that respect was no longer up for discussion. And even though I still feel that he has a lack of shared contribution, he and Tracy were good hosts, and I am glad for the time with Family.

* We bought a new gun last week. I have been wanting THIS particular gun for a LONG time. It is a Taurus Judge. And can either fire .45 or Shotgun rounds. Which makes acquiring ammunition much easier.

* I'd like to blend in. And protect my Family from being scrutinized. However, a line has been drawn, and I am not a Fence Sitter. And I find myself taking a very concise and firm stand on the issues I believe in. Some that I didn't KNOW until now I had an opinion on. Like Circumcision. I don't believe in it. You wouldn't remove your child's eyelid, right?

And Breastfeeding. I will not cover up to feed any child I may have in the future. Which may mean not going to many Family events. I do not know that my In Laws could handle or support my not covering up. Which means I may need to keep my distance. We shall see.

* Because of my relationship with David right now, and the very clear side I take on things, I feel that I am coming into much of my full ability to be strong and take a stand.... even when I lose Friends over it. I am SO grateful to David and My Heavenly Father for this!!!!

* David gave me a Blessing as he left to go back to work Monday. It was shorter than usual. But very clear, and thought provoking. I was Blessed with protection. I was advised to take care of myself and not only know, but respect my limits. I was blessed with health... I usually am, as I tend to be very susceptible to illness.

*David said we can have a cat...

*And I'm either pregnant, or dying. :P

Born in the Year of the Horse.... Oh it fits :)

The Horse



Exciting and extroverted, vivid and animated, the Horse is the life of any party he attends. He is bursting with energy, always looking for the next place to kick up his heels and hang loose. He entertains friends and strangers alike with his humor and appeal.

Years of the Horse

Horse Years are seventh in the cycle, following the Snake Years, and recur every twelfth year. The Chinese New Year does not fall on a specific date, so it is essential to check the calendar to find the exact date on which each Horse Year actually begins.

1906*1918*1930*1942*1954*1966*1978*1990*2002

THE SIGN OF THE HORSE

Horse people are extemporaneous and quick-witted. They are quite intelligent and use their practicality to their advantage in their business and personal lives. Their sharpness makes them quick to pick up new skills and are able to handle many tasks at one time. However, this ambition can be harmful because Horse people often don’t finish what they start for fear of missing out on the next big challenge.

Horses are trustworthy, friendly and open-minded. They are good friends to have and will always be honest with you. Although they are good confidants, Horse people do enjoy their alone time and are usually independent people. They can struggle with obstinance and self-centeredness, which can lead to a flare of the temper if they don’t get their way. Usually, after an episode or temper-tantrum a Horse can feel remorse, yet not all people will be able to forgive their reaction.

HORSE FACTS:

People born in the Year of the Horse share certain characteristics. The Horse Sign is an abbreviated way of characterizing that individual’s personality. Following are features associated with the Sign of the Horse.

Seventh in order, Chinese name—MA, sign of enthusiasm and elegance

Hour—11am-12:59pm Month—June

Western Counterpart—Gemini

CHARACTERISTICS

Self-reliant, Joyful, Outgoing, Sophisticated, Greedy, Resilient, Arrogant



IN YOUR ELEMENT

The characteristics of the Horse are tempered by one of the five Chinese elements of Metal, Water, Wood, Fire and Earth overlaying a 5-year cycle of characteristics on the original 12-year cycle.




THE EARTH HORSE 1918 AND 1978

Earth Horses are able to see situations from all angles and corners. They are relatively easygoing, preferring to determine each pro and con before making a final decision. Earth Horses work hard to accomplish goals they have set and would rather take longer to do an outstanding job than to work shorter and shave a little quality. They have great senses of humor and are extremely adaptable in most instances.



HEALTH AND HABITAT

HEALTH

When concerning health issues, Horses exuberate a strength known only by the animal they are shaped after. Horse people are usually quite healthy people, perhaps due to their positivity, perhaps due to their athleticism. They get a lot of exercise and love to be out in the air and open spaces. If they can’t be outside hey begin to feel run down and out of their element. Horses must be careful to resist the pressures of alcohol and nicotine that often suck them in in times of despair or stress.

AT HOME WITH THE HORSE

Horses love company and therefore will always welcome visitors in for a hearty chat or a wholesome meal. As aforementioned, Horses don’t always finish what they start, especially if something more exciting came along, so there are likely to be various unfinished projects in their homes. In addition, there may be a few dirty dishes in the sink or a couple of unwashed loads of laundry, as housework and chores aren’t the Horse’s forte. They fill their homes with autumn colors such as gold and orange and create an atmosphere that is both comfortable and beautiful.

CAREER AND FINANCE

THE HORSE AT WORK

Their willingness to try anything and their ability to pick up new skills with ease makes Horses suitable for most any careers they choose to tackle. However, they may reconsider if taking orders or following strict routines are involved. They are people persons and enjoy occupations that allow them to interact with other people. Their need to be independent and self-reliant makes them crave positions of power and they are well-suited for careers in the field of communications. Horses are smart, fabulous speakers who have a gift for getting through to other people.

MONEY AND THE HORSE

Horses don’t think much about money. When they have it, they spend it. When they run out, they make more. Money does not constitute a Horse’s happiness or well-being. He feels it is only icing on the cake to have some and would rather buy fun things than hoard it or save it. His philosophy? You can’t take it with you.

HORSE CAREERS

Those born in the Year of the Horse share the same kinds of goals and objectives in life. The occupations best sited for the Horse are listed below:

HORSES MAKE EXCELLENT:

Language teachers

Translators

Journalists

Publicists

Bartenders

Pilots

Performers

Librarians

Tour operators

Sales representatives

Information technologists



CONGENIAL BUSINESS PARTNERS

Whether Horses are compatible with their business partners depends on whether their signs are harmonious or antagonistic to those of their business partner. Considering the congruity of their own characters and the characters of their business partners can also be very useful.

Horses ruled by Benefit From Are Antagonistic to

Metal Earth Sheep Fire Snakes

Water Metal Dogs Earth Pigs

Wood Water Roosters Metal Rats

Fire Wood Horses Water Rabbits

Earth Fire Tigers Wood Monkeys



LIKES AND DISLIKES

Since Horses are born under the same Animal Sign, they often share likes and dislikes. Following are similar likes and dislikes of the Horse personality.

Color Preference: Orange

Gems and Stones: Amethyst, Turquoise, Topaz

Suitable Gifts: Kite, compass, cellular phone, pedicure set, camera

Hobbies and Pastimes: Horse back riding, theater, playing instruments, flying model airplanes

Horses dislike: People who ignore them, being stuck in a situation, envious people, feeling dependent

THE HORSE ON VACATION

People born in the Year of the Horse enjoy traveling. They like to take off spontaneously. Horses like to take active vacations, preferring to camp, ski and hike rather than to sit on the beach in the sun all day. Their getaways usually include a cultural event such as a musical or a festival, as Horses like to be entertained.

FRIENDS AND ENEMIES

Horses generally seek the company of others and do not like being alone for any particular amount of time. Horses enjoy group activities and despite their competitive nature, like to be a part of the team rather than the captain of it. Horse people don’t have trouble making friends and often meet many in the various clubs and organizations they belong to.

Compatible Friends

Best Friends: Tigers and Dogs

Mortal Enemy: Rats

HORSE PARENTS AND BABIES

Horses are notorious for their ability to do several things at one time. They can carry on a conversation, watch the news, fold the laundry and watch the kids, all at once. These abilities certainly come in handy when raising a child. Horse parents work very hard to make sure their children are intellectually and creatively stimulated and to make sure they depend only on themselves when problem-solving or figuring something out. They feel strongly that children should be independent and should be taught basic principles that will enable them to depend more on themselves than on anyone else. If Horse parents are not careful, this very tenet may case them to appear cool, unsentimental parents concerned more with helping themselves than with helping their children.

HORSE INFANT AND CHILD

Horse children are chatty! At an early age these kids begin gurgling and "talking" to themselves. They love to hear their own voice and so will babble for hours without saying anything at all. Eventually, these children will make great language scholars who will excel at communications. Horse children are as independent as possible and will fight for their rights if they feel they’ve been wronged. They will also rebel if they feel justice has not been served.

HORSE PARENT/CHILD KINSHIPS

Some parents immediately click with their children and others find they will never have a close relationship no matter how hard they try to make it happen. Following are compatibility ratings between Horse parents and their children.

Horses with Under the same roof Compatibility Rating

Rat different aspirations *

Ox so-so **

Tiger great! ****

Rabbit differing opinions **

Dragon A lot of energy ***

Snake Gets better with age ***

Horse too independent **

Sheep mutual respect and understanding ****

Monkey shared responsibility ***

Rooster divergent paths *

Dog friendly **

Pig content ***

*uphill struggle **some complications ***easy bonding ****on the same wavelength

LOVERS AND SPOUSES

THE HORSE LOVER

Horse lovers are eternally young at heart. They sail through life on a whim, spontaneous and open-minded waiting for the next big adventure. Horse lovers are charming and affectionate. They are inspiring with their imagination and vigor, their intellect and wit. They make you want to be around them and thus hardly have problems securing Saturday night dates.

MARRIAGE

Horses are energetic spouses who fall in love quite rapidly. Along with their spontaneity comes a bit of impatience and they demonstrate that when they meet someone they want to be involved with. They throw all of themselves into a relationship, sometimes losing tiny bits and pieces of themselves along the way. However, a light at the end of the tunnel: in adulthood Horses are more stable and thus their adult relationships are more successful.



THE HORSE LOVE PARTNER

Horses live their lives in full swing. They have boundless energy and spend more time on the go than they do at home. Chinese horoscopes are very specific about which partnerships have the potential to be successful in love and in business. Yet, though destiny can point us in the right direction, we must still make all efforts to maintain loving relationships. Following is a brief description of how a Horse will affect a relationship with other Animal Signs.

PARTNERS IN LOVE

Horse*Rat

Not much going for you.

Horse*Ox

Decent business partners, but lousy lovers.

Horse*Tiger

Both of you love adventure so it should be a happy partnership.

Horse*Rabbit

You might argue, but you enjoy each other’s company.

Horse*Dragon

Sexually charged!

Horse*Snake

You have different opinions that will be hard to swallow.

Horse*Horse

Both of you are very opinionated and independent so it may be hard to find common ground.

Horse*Sheep

Love at first sight becomes life long love.

Horse*Monkey

Better suited to be friends than to be lovers.

Horse*Rooster

You have a few conflicting points of vies but enough staying power to make a great relationship.

Horse*Dog

You have a successful relationship on the horizon.

Horse*Pig

Both of you are laid back and full of energy, but there’s no one to make sure things keep running smoothly.

Love Partners at a Glance

Horses with Tips on Togetherness Compatibility

Rat unstable *

Ox argumentative *

Tiger lusty and sexy! ****

Rabbit hard, but you can do it **

Dragon sexual attraction ***

Snake you can work it out **

Horse short-term passion **

Sheep very compatible ****

Monkey Friends, yes Lovers, no **

Rooster your arguments make it hard ***

Dog go for it! ****

Pig fairly unrealistic **

*dispute **keep working at it ***intense sexual attraction ****angelic



EAST MEETS WEST



LIBRAN HORSE

Libran Horses depend greatly on their friends. Their charm and wit make them A-list party guests. They are sociable and fun loving and generate high demand when invitations go out.

I Feel Inspired.... Thank YOU!

I am so excited. I don't believe in getting caught in slump. I know they happen. But I don't like the way they feel and will scurry to unslump myself as fast as possible.

I get excited when God sees this need in me, and sends people and ideas my way that will help with this, and helps My Family to be better.


2 resources are to thank today for my feeling inspired.

1. Ginger introduced me to Baby Wearing. It's something I see now that I have always leaned towards. I just didn't realize that I had so many options for doing it well. I have used a Snuggli since Elizabeth was a newborn. And lately have been using our hiking back pack. Which has just become too heavy as Bella has grown. And now, I know what a Mei Tai is. And I LOVE the difference. And Bella loves the difference!!! She has always liked to be worn. When we put her in the hiking back pack, she does amazing. But she has NEVER cared for the crotch dangling of the Snuggli.

I'm also sooo grateful to have become educated on topics like Circumcision. And though I have to be ok with the choice I made to have Jacob Circumcised (and am INCREDIBLY grateful that in general, it seems to have gone fine (no complications excessive trauma)), since there is NOTHING I can do about it, I KNOW that should I ever have another son, I will NOT make the same choice. After talking to Ginger about it, my favorite thought to explain this is that "You wouldn't remove an eyelid."

It's time to get educated, people. Thank you Ginger for being so strong and educating people. Ignorance is no longer an acceptable excuse.... it can cause great damage to someone you would give your life to protect.

2. A Blog I follow. Josh Weed posted this and it was very inspiring to me. There are 2 main parts that stand out.

a) He talks about how he has never felt like he fits in with other males. That he is not sure if that is why he is gay, or if he feels that way BECAUSE he is gay. This spoke to me. I often feel like an outsider in the Female community. However, I am NOT gay. And I am very happy to BE female. So there is no confused sexuality here. I could just relate to his feelings of being an outsider where he SHOULD fit in.

b) As a Gay Male, who wanted to serve an LDS Mission, he had to be open about the fact that he experienced same sex attraction in order to feel good about his choice to be in that situation. And the Missionary Department notated on his papers that there was some concern about sending him to be with other males in a companionship situation for 2 years. But that the Apostle who made the "call" on whether and where he should serve ignored this advice and Josh is so grateful for that inspired decision.

This TOTALLY was faith building to me. To KNOW that the Apostles I have looked to my whole life as divinely inspired, really prove that!

I AM afraid to die

I do NOT like the idea of death. Mainly because I see it as an un necessary inconvenience. Our bodies die when they no longer function properly. With a properly functioning body, you CAN live over a century. So WHY would I want anything less? I L O V E life. I L O V E the things and people and circumstances (most of the time) that I HAVE in my life. so, through researching, I have discovered a list of ingredients that can keep a body and it's organ in proper functioning condition so that death does not come any sooner than necessary. I don't have a lot of time right now, so I will make a quick list, and explain more later:


(Oils and herbs are absolutely essential in a person's diet and medicinal use.)

Oregano
Lemon
Lime
Raspberry
Milk Thistle
Turmeric
Iodine (found in sea vegetables like kelp, milk, and eggs)
Avocados
Cinnamon
Peppers (black, cayenne)
Honey

ALL of these help with with cancer, diabetes, and metabolizing nutrients

Blog Puke

Soooo, my last post (the rest of the story) brought up two... or three ;-) new topics.

Topic 1.


I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE when people assume they KNOW another person's story without EVER hearing it. Or caring to for that matter.

Only a FEW people really KNOW my story. Only a FEW people want to invest that kind of time in me. That's fine! Just don't spout off about how easy my life is compared to yours!!!!!!!!

Topic 2.

"And Now, the rest of the story..." A famous Tag Line from a radio show in Wyoming.

I've been spouting about how Wyoming is superior in many ways to Utah and other US States. And people... again, those who have never taken the time to KNOW the state, go off on me about how I'm mistaken. Reference topic 1. People LOVE to judge a situation they have NO real knowledge of.

Topic 3.

This one will surprise many!!!

I almost NEVER open my mouth or post something that I haven't thought out/researched. I MAY still be wrong. But at least I can back it up with evidence that gave me a logically reasonable basis for thinking the way I did.

Topic 4.

Abuse. It takes many forms. I believe many people are oblivious to or at least in some level of denial about their abuses toward others. They may have an inkling that they are being abusive on some level, but they often re direct, or play it off in a way that makes it seem that they think they are appearing to NOT be abusive.

EVERYONE does it. E V E R Y O N E. (there are a FEW exceptions, I'm sure.... and yes,I even know maybe 5 people who are exceptions) But that is a SMALL number compared to the ones who are directly/indirectly abusive.

Being Passive/ Aggressive is HIGHLY abusive. And people in general don't realize it, I don't believe. The level is based on it being a mental abuse. I think Mental Abuse is FAR worse than physical abuse. (I mean base Physical abuse. I'm not referring to sexual abuse. Nor am I getting into sexual abuse right now)

Ok. I'm done ;-) For now.

And now, the rest of the story ;-)

A status I posted on FB about needing a Mental Health Day, of COURSE can't stay "Drama Free"


This post:

"David comes home in 6 (or 7) days. I am getting to that point where when he walks through the door, I'm walking out, and not coming back for at least 3!!! Who's with me ;-)"

Got responses like:

Mark: "if u walk away it will show that u don't love him that much", and Stacy: "ok i will just leave it at that u don't know how it feels to not be able to be a mother i would give anything to be one and the only people who understand how i feel are ones who cant have children its very hard."

(of course, I had my Comrades.. who get it... defending my statement, and I ♥ them for that!!!)

But here is the ONE response I had to "bite my tongue" on (literary speaking, of course)... and I am posting it HERE:

"Stacy, I get it! You don't know my whole story. What I may/may not have had to go through to get My Family. But YOU are not seeing what we're saying: I'm NOT frustrated. And EVERYONE needs a Mental Health day!"

Chapter 2

She FINALLY settled in with some YUMMY Key Lime Greek Yogurt. And then The Baby wanted a taste. OF COURSE she shared!! And then The Baby SNEEZED!!! Key Lime Greek Yogurt EVERYWHERE!!!!

How to be a Mom

In Need

Fascinating to me.


A conversation you're 90% likely to have with My Mom or Myself:

Other Person "I'm sorry I can't make it today. I don't feel well/I have a sick Child/sick Husband." OR "I just had a Baby." Mom/Me "Ok. Is there anything you need?" OR "Congratulations! What do you need?/Call me if you need someone to watch your kids/someone to go to the store for you/dinner."

NOT a conversation 90% of the People I call "Friends" or "Family" are going to reciprocate.

Chapter One ...

... In the book that I don't have time to write, but really should ;-)

It was an ordinary day. Although she didn't want to get out of bed. Her bed was soooo nice and comfortable.

BUT the 3 1/2 year old was already serving breakfast by way of dumping out a bag of cereal on his 15 month old Sister's tray. Diapers needed changing. Dishes needed doing. The laundry will NEVER do itself, she'd FINALLY conceded.


Today she didn't have anywhere to be. All of the kids were playing in their rooms. She sat down to watch her current favorite pick me up movie.

And then it happened. The Baby fell off of her Sisters' stairs to their bunk beds. She was crying hard and bleeding from her nose... and mouth.

A call in to her Mother at work, set things in motion. Her Mom was on her way to take the 4 older kids so she could take the traumatized toddler to the Dr.

The appointment eased her fears. The Baby was fine. She fell forward, and her nose took the brunt of the impact.

After checking in with the necessary parties, she took her time getting back to the rest of her crew. Stopping for some late lunch and then she would run to the grocery store.

And that was where she was mistaken. She locked her keys in the car when she got The Baby out of the car seat.

The Baby had pooped during their "leisure" time at the restaurant, and needed a diaper change.... but the diapers and wipes were locked in the car with the keys.

So, once again calling her mom for help with the LAST BREATH of battery on her cell, she packed The Baby on her hip and headed the quarter mile to the nearest Wal Mart praying she could make it.... once the cold hit, she had to pee desparately!!!

She got into the store and made it in the NICK of time to the bathroom. Knocking over a display on her way, of course. Then it was off to gather supplies to change the now leaky Baby.

1/2 hour later, her SAINT of a MOTHER was there to rescue her with the spare key....

GEEZ! I'm exhausted!!!!! ♥



.

Thankful

I have stopped posting on my Private Blog and started posting more here.... because I want to share what I have to say.

Anyway, I was thinking about it today, and I have the perfect (knock on wood ;-)) life! No, it's not free from struggle and trials.

But I have so many of the different aspects that I would want if I were given a list. I have time for Friends, time with My Spouse, time with My Kids, money to buy things, I get to stay home and raise My Family, a Husband who has been able to perform most of Our Kids Baby Blessings and both Baptisms, a Mom who really loves me, sturdy cars,a warm apartment....

I am Grateful to My Heavenly Father, My Mom, and David for My Life! ♥

New Year

I REALLY only have ONE Resolution for the New Year. To be the BEST I can be. Here are some of the "outlines" I have to make that happen:

Again, with the "Say what you mean.."

I had an interesting conversation with a Friend the other day about keeping our bodies alkaline. One thing I'm going to do (since I'm ADDICTED to carbonation,)is: every time I want a bottle of soda, I will drink a bottle of water.... I may still drink the soda, but in order to, I will have to drink that water first ;-)

This is how I really truly feel, and will be towards people.

One of my BIGGEST things this year is finances. And I think I CAN do this as an "easy" start to financial health. I am so excited, but it's going to be hard: I have discovered that as long as David gets a steady income of a certain "attainable" amount ever 2 weeks, we will pay off all our debt and hopefully be in a house by July!!!!! Again though, I have some of My Friends because I support their businesses. And It's going to be hard to not spen that money. But SIX MONTHS is soooo achievable!!! I only have to be good for SIX MONTHS to get to where I want to be!!!!! :D

I don't READ this book often. But I KNOW it. And I KNOW HIM (The Author ;-)) And I AM a Christian. And I will LIVE it!!!! ♥