Life and the "Rat Race"

"My take on the issue is that life is different for everyone, but in the end, it is just our "schooling and testing ground" for something a whole lot bigger in the scheme of things. For some, certain things come easily... but EVERYONE has their test. Someone may have $$$$ coming out their.... but may be a HORRIBLE person, and in the end, who's better off? The Actress with her millions and a crappy , lonely life, or the Dr. who has just gotten out of the student loan pit, but is saving lives? I have an "easy" life. There are some things I will never have to face. However, in exchange I have had to face my own demons. Life is not designed to be a race or competition. It is a test designed uniquely for each individual. And it all levels out when "schools" over." This is an answer I gave to a Friend more or less wondering why life isn't "fair."

Something I have thought about a lot , and constantly HAVE to remember is this: This is NOT our life. :-) It is just a phase. Our lives began eons before our Birth, and will continue for eons after our Death. What I do here matters only in an "academic" way. The clothes, car and house I have while "in school' don't matter a smidge if I can't graduate!

Something I have always chuckled at is my ability/inability to get away with things. There are some things I could NEVER get away with. And other things that I could totally take advantage of if I chose to. For example: I have CRAPPY luck with the law. I step ONE foot out of line in public, and I get caught. And it can simply be one of those "He pushed me first" type of situations. Doesn't matter. If I fought back, I get the punishment. Now, luckily, it all works out in the end... I end up attracting the people who matter and have enough integrity to help balance it out. Which is kind of the other side of what I am saying. Belive it or not, I have a way with people. Don't get me wrong, there are those who downright hate me. However, even they were "smitten" with me at on time. There are those middle ground people, but they usually do not have enough power in society to drastically change my life style. They are the people who make life wonderful and calm most of the time. But anyway... I have the ability to get away with things because the people who say so, end up agreeing with me, overlooking issues with me, or see me as harmless, and naive. Am I losing you? Here's the thing: I get my way with the "parents." Does that make sense?

I would be a security nightmare if I didn't have the beliefs and morals I have. I have seen many opportunities where I could take advantage of the system and get away with it. But I know better. People wouldn't suspect that I was capable of being anything BUT upfront and innocent. And if I HAD taken advantage, I would have quite a bit more $ in my pocket, because anything I needed, I could just take.

BUT that's the thing right there. What good would it do? So, I get to graduation by cheating my way through. Then at the end, I know NOTHING and have to pay up because I can't pass the final exam. And I get to weep, wail, and gnash my teeth wishing that I had just done it right... because now it's too late.

Clear as mud?

I am so blessed to have a conscience. Let me rephrase that. I am so blessed to have the Spirit active enough in my life and close enough to me that I can pass up the shortcuts, and keep my goal on the prize.

My disclaimer is this: I am not, have never been, and will have to work at becoming perfect for a very long time. But I am on the right path moving steadily forward, and that will even out the rest in the end.

Need to relax

I realized something today. The Holy Ghost enjoys shopping and getting together to celebrate and party... Kid Friendly style, of couse. It is I who have the pessimistic, worry wart, tendancies that send myself into panic about not being cautious enough. Not my Conscience.

I have struggled for a while now with this. I am worried about letting myself fall into the "All is well in Zion" mindset and not having enough "oil in my lamp" when the time comes. And then I realized that I don't need to worry quite so much, and am actually over doing it with the paranoia when it comes to caution. I never thought I would be one to be OVERLY cautious. I've actually tended to lean toward Under Cautious in my past. I guess I just need to remember not to go to extremes either way. Moderation in all things, right. However, I am going to loosen up a little, Make sure I'm following the commandments so the protection is there, and enjoy the Wonderful life I have been blessed with a little more.

What I just realized

Whew! Today is a better day than I was expecting 24 hours ago. Problem is, that 24 hours ago, I had fried chicken at my disposal, and now I have none! But of course then, I didn't feel up to eating it, and now I'm all for that idea. Word to the wise: Never mess with a Pregnant Woman and her fried chicken! That's ok, fried chicken is usually replacible.Yesterday SUCKED! Ok, it was 50/50. It was actually a pretty good day with a really bad side. I enjoyed getting out with the Girls. Always enjoy hanging out with the Wallace Family. Got 2 new books, didn't loose my temper with the Girls, and the day ended peacefully. Then there was the flip side. I felt horrible! David was being mean, and I could only guess that I was on my way to filing for a divorce I should have just stuck with the first time around.I am a surivalist. I realized this. I plan to survive crisis. I am willing to scheme if I have to though I try to never step outside of realitvely ethical and reasonable boundries.When the storm is over, I expect to be the one standing on solid, dry ground with my Children in tow. HOWEVER, I definitely have realized that David is someone I feel incomplete without. I am a strong, independant person. I can do it on my own come Hell or High tide. But I prefer not too. I do better, have a better outlook, get more accomplished, am a better Mother, and a better person when things are solid and well between David and Myself. I need him. He's not as expendable as I think I have always tried to make myself think he is. I know that prolly sounds horrible, but that's how I work. I don't like to think that I am dependant in ANY way on somone else. That "weakens" me, and I do not like it.BUT, it's true. I need the balance that being married to him provides. Not to mention my Girls. I don NOT want them to grow up in a single parent home without their Dad.

My Home

Something that I have always found interesting is the fact that people always seem to nit pick about how I do things. If I walk into someone's home, and they do things a certain way, it seems only natural to conform. 'When in Rome," right. I mean after all, it is THEIR home, and if I am coming to visit then I want to show my respect to them... I probably like them if I'm in their home :-) And it would be terribly contradictive to disrespect them if I like them.For most of my adult years, I feel like my life has been scutinized under a microscope. And sometimes I'm astounded at the people who are doing the scrutinizing. It's not always the people who's business it is to have any opinion at all. And even when it is, do they really get THAT much input? Normally not!I have had some really ODD things scrutinized. My all time favorite is how I change a diaper. Who cares? For crying out loud, I will change a diaper the way I want and why are you even paying that close of attention? Are you REALLY that Bored with your own life? That was when Elizabeth was a Baby, so luckily, that issue seems to have gone away. But I STILL change a diaper pretty much the same way. Another thing that comes under scrutiny a lot is the way I keep and run my Home.People seem to think it's odd that I have a "No Shoes" rule. Which fascinates me because I have been in many homes where that was a non negotiable rule. And no one ever seemed to ? it. In fact, in some countries it's a horrible insult to wear your shoes in someone's home. And yet, people question it all the time with me which I find amusing.Something that I was thinking about today is how important a role our homes play in our lives.For me, my home is my sanctuary. Literally. It is where I go to feel safe. It is where I can let my guard down and relax. It is important to me to feel comfortable, and peaceful in my home.In our religion, there have been statements made along the lines of the home being second only to the Temples we worship in in sacredness. I really thought that through today. For those of you who have never been inside, shoes are removed and socks, slippers or shoes that have not been worn outside are worn inside our Temples. Sooo, the no shoes rule stays!

We're having a Boy!

My Three Girls. Now My Boy. Whew! I realized today that it makes me feel quite accomplished.I've been very blessed in my life. I've gotten to do many things. I've gotten to play many roles. I get to know what it's like to raise a Boy. I get to know what it's like to raise a Girl. I've experienced dating, Friends with Benefits, living together, engagement, marriage, divorce. I've found Love again and again. I've been through the full range of feelings and emotions... I understand each one personally. I've traveled. I've been cultured. I've lost. I've gained.I am glad to say that the first 30 years of my life have been full and blessed.I am excited to see what the rest hold.