To Make You Feel My Love

When the rain's blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
So no doubt in my mind where you belong


I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on a rolling sea
And down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
But you ain't seen nothin' like me yet

There ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

Ten things I L O V E about him!!! or Have you ever tried to tame a Shrew?

I know this is a bit cliche and even cheesy. But how can I NOT write this?

David is out of town on a job for the FIRST time with Halliburton.

And for the first time, we left on AMAZING terms. We've had occasions where he has left on BAD terms, ok terms, traumatic terms. Never amazing!

And over the past little bit, how wonderful my Husband is has become more and more apparent.

We LIKE eachother more than I think we ever have. And we are more in love than when we eloped 9 years ago.

So, I thought I'd put together a brief list of what he's been doing that has brought us here.

1- I LOVE his love of the arts! We had a very art filled weekend this past week. We went to the zoo, where he insisted on purchasing a piece of art made by an elephant. It's one of a kind, and definitely abstract, and wasn't cheap. But he really wanted it. And I LOVE that he wanted it. Because it shows a love for things outside the box. It fits perfectly in the space above our bed that was waiting for a good piece of art to fill it, and with him gone, I love looking at it there!

2- One leads to two. You see, $50 for a watercolor picture drawn by an elephant wasn't one the top of my list of things to spend our $ on this past weekend. But how could I refuse a man who would do everything he could to get me the moon if I asked. He has found that balance between gifts and service that totally speak my Love Language.

3- Again, 2 leads to 3. His traits just flow into a perfect blend. David is the kind of husband who will take all 4 children off my hands when I need it to show me he loves me. He changes poopy diapers, gets up in the middle of the night with the children, and does the bed time routine on his own every night. He is lightens my load every chance he gets. And NOTHING says "Love" to me like that!

4- Loving me is NOT an easy job. I don't accept mediocre at ALL! Half Ass is not in my vocabulary except as the worst insult possible. I know that sounds harsh, but it's just unacceptable. David has to jump through hoops DAILY to keep me happy. And I let him out of his obligation once. He could have walked away and never looked back. But he not only didn't do that, he pursued me and jump in with both feet once again. This man has been willing to deal with me not ONCE, but twice. And he keeps giving me the BEST gift in the world... he willing supports my desire to bring more children into our Family. We are on our 2nd since the divorce, and I've gotten him to agree to a possible 3rd.

5- He is NOT perfect. And I am not one to accept the "I'm not perfect, I accept this, therefore I will be lenient with myself and not expect too much" mentality. I can accept the fact that mortality is synonymous with imperfection. But I also realize that is no excuse for not doing your best. And David has come SOOOO far and has such a desire to succeed. He isn't perfect, but he TRULY puts the effort and care into his job and family that shows how much he WANTS to do it right!

6- This man gets up every morning, even sometimes with small amounts of sleep, goes to work, gives it his all, and then comes home and helps with children and housework. I could NOT do that. I can handle the 24/7 demands of parenthood. But to work full time also, well, I don't do the no sleep thing. He has had periods of time without a job. And sitting around playing video games was not on his agenda. He worked what ever jobs he could. He took an "ok" job to get the ball rolling, and kept applying till he worked up to a good job that has the promise of providing for his growing family.

7- He supports my need to be a stay at home mom. Through bouts of unemployment, and low paying jobs, David has NEVER asked me to go back to work. He knows that my core belief system tells me that I need to be the one to be home with my children. And with 5, it's not worth it financially to pay for daycare. And he's OK with that. I have not worked one day outside the home since Elizabeth was born that I didn't want to or need to for reasons other than finances.

8- He APPRECIATES what I do for our family. He tells me "Thank You" for being willing to stay at home and take full responsibility for our children vs asking someone else to do it while I pursue a career. You have to understand that I had a career in the making. I was the primary bread winner before Elizabeth was born. I LOVED my military career and gave it up to stay home and raise a family. And he VALUES that.

9- He is a secure, loving, and supportive partner. He doesn't feel threatened by my independence. He doesn't feel threatened by my successes. He backs me up on goals and ambitions. When I want to go out, and I get dolled up for it, he doesn't assume that I am going to cheat on him. He likes that looking good makes me feel good about myself.

10- He likes me and accepts me just the way I am. 200 lbs or 130 lbs HONESTLY doesn't matter to him. Which is so nice because it means that we can enjoy good food together, and he still makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Which boosts MY desire to be in good shape and look good for him.

As I write this, I realize that this is just the TIP of the ice burg that is a HUGE list of things I LOVE about my Husband. I just hope he knows what an amazing catch her truly is, and I would be the luckiest girl EVER to keep him for good!

WOW!

It's interesting how by sitting at home and NOT talking to anyone, the facts of my life CHANGE overnight.

All of a sudden the reasons for my Marriage, Divorce, and even my son's existence are NOTHING like they were a day ago.

So to clarify in DAVID's OWN words:


We got a divorce in July of 2008 "because we were in an abusive relationship that was no longer conducive for our family's well being and to stay in the relationship the way it was, someone was going to end up dead or in prison. And not for any other reason"


In September 2008, David had a Demon (not a figurative one, but the kind that Bible stories are based on) exorcised from him.

David and I were remarried in October of 2008. 9 months and 2 days later, Jacob was born a week early.

Any questions? Because THESE are the FACTS.

Gratitude: Day 5

I am Grateful for a Husband who I am in love with today more than I was 9 years ago!

Combining Airports and Passion.... anyone else would prolly be embarrassed

OK sooooo

David flew to Salt Lake this afternoon to attend a KISS Concert. He flew because it was free (he had a voucher).

I had a Passion Parties order that needed to go to Salt Lake. Therefore I separated everything into sacks so he wouldn't have to figure out who got what. And packed the only suitcase I had easily available (Strawberry Shortcake, of COURSE) with the sacks. I then was advised by Ginger and Amanda that I absolutely COULD NOT do that (send him with a SS suitcase full of sex toys and lotions to be searched by security) to my Poor Husband.... and they had a good point.

David however was "fine" (his words) with it. So, I bought a good TSA approved lock, and took him along with his Carry on and the SS suitcase (which we knew would have to be checked due to it's large amount of fluid contents) to the RS Airport. And we got there too late to check the suitcase.

So, he called me to come into the airport and yes, the TSA People (with rubber gloves, thank HEAVEN) very considerately opened the suitcase and went through the items to see what could go and what had to stay. Let me reiterate that they were GREAT! They didn't open ANY of the packages, just the sacks, and let EVERYTHING that was not liquid, gel, or aerosol go into David 's backpack, and then gave me the rest... along with the suitcase :-) They told us that if it had been checked, it wouldn't have been an issue. They didn't seem to think ANYTHING about the SS suitcase (whew ;-) but did get a kick out of the fact that it was all Passion Parties items (we offered them a catalog ;-)

Oh, did I mention that the RS Airport is TINY? There was ONE line for security which consisted of 2 TSA agents and 1 Police Officer. All 3 seemed amused at the contents of the suitcase. But again were AWESOME about it.

Meanwhile, the 2 Prop Plane idled just out the back door, and David and his backpack had to walk out on the tarmac to climb aboard with the other TWO passengers. (in the time it took them to scan and remove all of the stuff, I'll BET they could have thrown the suitcase into the cargo hold of the plane)

I had to leave the kids in the van, and the Poor Things thought I was leaving on a plane too. I had to explain that I'd be just a couple of minutes.... but when I got back, Jacob was adamant about me not doing ANYTHING that appeared as though I was doing anything BUT driving them AND myself away from the Airport.

Sooo, that was our adventure today.

Wishing doesn't alway make it so

There are some things you can wish for all you want and they just will NEVER happen. Other things, with the right attitude, and a REAL desire, can be realized.

I am realizing this with my relationships. It's times like these when I REALLY wish I had a sister, or the kind of friend who was like a "mind twin."

Someone who would pick up on the little "routines" I go through. You see, there are certain things I do ONLY at certain times.

I really AM lucky. Because David picks up on them for the most part. But he is after all a GUY, and they are only intuitive to a point.

Like last night, he noticed me sleeping on my stomach. TOTALLY random to most. But he knows I'm not a stomach sleeper.

I'm eating healthier. Craving vitamin C. EXERCISING. It comes naturally to me at certain points in my life. I don't have to think about it. I just gravitate towards these things.

And it's predictable.... well, at least something about it is.

Unfortunately, I tell David so much that being intuitive isn't necessary on everything.

Maybe it goes back to the Parable of the Diamond Ring and "If you Build it..." thinking. Maybe what it is, is that I make up my mind that I want something, and between God and Me, it forms a plan and comes into being.

So making up my mind and telling David, kind of set things in motion and everything just falls in line. BOY I need that to work with this House and Job in Alaska.

Relationships

One of the things I struggle with and David and I have had MANY arguments over, are the way people see relationships differently.

I grew up in a Single Parent home. We lived with My Mom's Parents. I had My Aunts, and Cousins around ALL the time. All of My Grandparents are deceased.

David grew up in a Traditional 2 Parent, 4 Children home. He has a relationship with his Extended Family, but not like I had with My Extended Family. His Grandparents are all still living.


The only way I can describe how are views differ is to give examples.

The most recent being the other night.

I have a Friend who is married to a Man who has been married before. And in my opinion, the relationship he has with his Ex-Wife is weird. It seems very hot and cold. He HATES her, and can't say enough about how horrible she is. But she's not only very involved in their Kids' lives, but the lives of the kids he has with his new wife.

There's also (with David and me) the fact that I see relationships very much in black and white. And I think David sees a lot of gray. What I really think is that David knows the gray isn't ok, but doesn't want to admit it.

Like with Jared. It was black and white. My marriage was OVER. I was emotionally DONE. And David knew from day ONE where I stood. That he was pushing it too far, and I was not going to stay around and deal with it anymore. That I was ready to be done and move on.... with the best results possible for the Girls' sake.

I din't pretend at ALL that I was willing to work things out. Which is one reason I got a restraining order FIRST thing. I wanted clear outlined limits. I wanted financial obligations defined, and property settled UP FRONT.

And so while I will admit that what took place between Jared and myself was handled inappropriately, and I had to deal with the consequences, I believe (and the Church approached it) it was more as though I had been Single and been involved with him than as though I had been married and involved with him.

But then there's the "thing" with a couple of David's ex girlfriends. I think he blurs the line sometimes. The "thing" that I mentioned from few years ago where he was talking to his ex girlfriend. And in my mind, the conversations they were having were JUST as bad as having a relationship. But to David, it was too gray to be Bad. Even if he couldn't classify it as white.

Another example is that after I went downstairs to sleep the other night, David came down, and tried to pick a fight. He went off on how if I wanted the kind of relationship his ex girlfriend had with his Grandma, then I should be putting more effort into it.

And I see it as I am married to him. Therefore, it doesn't MATTER if I put in that extra effort or not, I not SHE am still his Wife. And whether his Grandma and I have a close relationship or not, SHE (the ex) still has No CLAIM on it.

I'm not trying to go back to a fight that is done and over with.

I just think it's interesting how people view relationships so differently.

It also goes along with Favoritism. And how so many people don't realize, or won't admit that they do it.

I am fiercely loyal. And I try really hard to be the same "temperature" all the time rather than switching between 2 extremes. And people who are hot and cold, or passive/aggressive give me whiplash! If I liked you yesterday, I like you today, and will like you tomorrow. UNLESS you do something that causes problems for me. I try to never close doors on people and Friendships. But I won't be abused either. And I'm sorry, but we live in a world where people ARE hot one minute and cold the next. And those people often make it almost impossible NOT to be (or appear) passive/aggressive when dealing with them. I once read a quote that said something along the lines of "Don't argue with crazy people, others might not be able to tell which one of you is the crazy one." And it's just like Ginger said about how the "Crazies scare off the Non Crazies."

Anyhow, I realized recently just how much respect I have for people who are able to make up their mind about a topic, and stick with it. Of course, moderation in all things right?! Otherwise, it can turn into being judgmental, and closed minded. But that right there is exactly why BALANCE is so important!

Support me. Believe in me.

I have really struggled with the support/lack of I receive from the people I am close to. My Mom, and David are so supportive..... SOMETIMES.

My Mom fascinates me. I don't think she has any idea what kind of a difference it would make if she had a little more faith in me. We were talking tonight for the 1st time in almost a week (since I told her I was going to the Passion Party and she got all "judgmental" on me). And I dropped the "bomb" that I KNOW she hates. Why, I don't understand. But it doesn't matter if it's the 1st or 5th Child. But I told her I want to get pregnant again.

Now, I KNOW I'm not the World's Best Mom. But I also know that I am FAR from the worst. I LOVE My Children. They KNOW I love them. I am upfront and honest about what I feel and think..... but even beyond that. I make SURE that I show them every day. I tell them that I am not perfect, but that I love them and will no matter what. I don't withhold affection. I dote on them.... TO them. I expect them to treat each other and others with respect, and despite my imperfections, I try really hard to set the example. There is NOTHING that I do that doesn't have their best interest in mind. I believe that for the most part, they all fell safe, loved, appreciated, and that they are in an environment where they can be THEM and feel secure in that.

And with our belief system, I feel like there are more Children meant for our Family.

And My Mom of all people SHOULD understand that. And it'd be different if this was how she reacted after I'd had a few. But she reacted this exact same way when it was Elizabeth I was announcing my pregnancy with.

Then there's David. He is so perfect for me when we're getting along. But he resists change... even though he says he wants it.

When we separated and ultimately divorced, he was really fighting me on the whole food storage thing. And now, he's a firm believer. He's currently SERIOUSLY resisting the schedule idea. I have no doubt that in time he'll come to see the benefits. Just as he did the food storage.

I am a dreamer. I am a striver. I see things in the future that I WANT, and I begin working for them. As I've said before, my "Good Luck" follows an "If you build it, it will come" pattern. So I have learned to "dress for the job I want" rather than be satisfied dressing for the "job I have." I love My Family, and I want them to have the best chance for success in ALL the attempt.

It pays off

All of my days and nights, weeks, months and years of battling with the Law, David, stress, people who don't understand, etc has it's perks believe it or not!

It's finally come to a point where I can look at people (David comes to mind ;-) and say "I've done it, so can you."

This morning, David and I were talking about our new schedule, and he was getting kind of crabby. I looked at him and said "You don't put up with my crankiness, I will not put up with yours. We're both tired, but your being rude and unsupportive. Knock it off."

Now, I don't really want to be like that on a normal basis. But once in a while, it sure feels good to actually have some ground to say it!

Scheduling

We, as a Family, by nature resist a schedule. We don't like having to be somewhere at a set time on a regular basis. We do well with routine, but not schedules.

But David has been home almost every day for 8 months, and we aren't a whole lot closer to having our limited space organized and fully functional than we were last summer. Of course, part of this is due to the fact that we just don't have enough room for the 6 of us and our stuff. But it also has to do with a lot of different things too.

SO, I am putting us on a schedule. It will allow for outdoor time EVERY day. As well as playgroup, etc. The only thing it will not allow for is my HORRIBLE choices in sleep hours.

Let's see how this goes :-)

The Parable of the Diamond Ring

I don't know why I felt like I needed to share this. But I did.....
I believe very firmly not only that there is a God, but that we are his children. Literally. That his relationship to us is just as literal as mine with my biological children... but perfect. Here is a story about something that confirms that belief in me.
In 2008, David and I divorced. I was certain at that time that there was another Man, Jared, I was destined to share the rest of my life with (that is NOT why David and I divorced.) Jared and I had already looked into engagement rings, and had found the exact ring I have always wanted. When David and I married in 2002, he was a newly returned Missionary with no $, so I had to forego that luxury.
I felt very strongly that I should start making payments on the ring. Shortly after this, Jared and I called things off. I still felt that I should continue purchasing the ring. This led me to believe that things would eventually turn around and work out with Jared.
At the end of September, the ring was 1/2 way paid off and I realized that things were never going to work out between Jared and myself. But I felt that I still needed to continue paying on the ring.
Around the middle of October, I was surprised to see that David and I were at a point where we wanted to give our marriage another go. We went to look at the ring. He told me that if the ring didn't fit me so perfectly, he would want to trade it for a different one.... since it was the ring that had been selected with someone else. He paid off the ring and we were married 2 weeks later.
Here's the moral of this story: I believe God knew that things were going to eventually work out between David and me. He knew that even though I didn't NEED a new ring, I wanted one. And that I wanted a specific ring.... after all, I had an idea of exactly what I wanted when I was a teenager, and it had never changed. It was a luxury that I could have done without. But just as I enjoy giving in to my Children's wishes when there is a toy or something that they really want, I believe that God enjoys letting us have some of the "pretty" things WE want. All we have to do is give him the chance.
This example has helped me so much over the past year. It reminds me that sometimes it's ok to ask God for something we want... even if we don't necessarily NEED it. And that He cares about that just as much as we would if it were our Child asking for something. Because He's not just a Divine Being who controls the universe. He's a Parent. The Perfect Parent. Who not only loves His children, but loves and cares about us perfectly.