I don't like who I was.

As I was loading the kids into the car after a very full and tiring day, I heard some teenagers being crazy and loud close by. And it bothered me a LOT. And I thought about it. I WAS one of those teenagers once. And I was at LEAST that loud. And did not care one bit what any one thought of it. I ruled the world.

And I realized that I think deep down, the reason it bothers me is because I really don't like the person I used to be.

I was cute, smart, funny, had lots of friends, had a good amount of boys who I liked or who liked me. I really DID have the world at my feet. But I was cocky, and carefree, and wanted what I wanted. And that meant that I had boyfriends who overlapped. I had a serious boyfriend, or 2, or 3 constantly from the time I was 15, till I was 23. And I did what I wanted, when I wanted. I broke hearts. Including my own.

And then, I settled down. Sort of. I married David because it was the right thing to do. But I was still WAY too into me. I loved him. But not like I thought I did. I had NO hesitations about the marriage. I KNEW it was what I wanted. But I was not 100% invested in it. I was still way too into what made ME happy.

I have done a LOT of finding out what being me really entails. I have evolved a TON. And the core thing I think I hate about who I WAS, is exactly this: I had the world before me, and was too selfish to use that power for what it was really worth. Had I exhausted the amazing gift I was given, I could have had it ALL.

And I was STUPID. And I had to learn the hard way. And it hurt.

And now here I am. With EVERYTHING! And so grateful I'm the person I AM, and not the person I WAS!