This has been a summer of comparisons. It has been good to see where I was last year and the results of the path I chose.
The 4th of July was specifically significant.
Last year, the 4th of July was a landmark. And I wanted it to be marked with all the ceremony it could. I invited Jared's Family up, and was REALLY hoping for it to be a celebration of my independance from what I considered to be a horrific experience in a marriage that had failed.
Jared drove up Thurs. the 3rd after work. I had really hoped for my divorce to be final by then... no such luck. I still had almost a full week that I had to wait before the manditory waiting period was over. Friday the 4th started off more melancholy than I would have liked. None of Jared's Family was able to make it. So, we started off on our own. Got the Girls ready, and decided to go to the park for a picnic. We stopped on our way to the park to see if the Wallace Family wanted to come with us. They had other plans. We went to the park, ate, and then headed to Walmart to see about some last minute fire works.... we found none.
We gave up, and drove to a parking lot close to the Events Complex where the City fire works would be. That wasn't so bad. We had a pretty good time except that Abby was VERY clingy and would not stop fussing. And then it was home to bed.
The rest of the weekend seemed to follow much the same mood. By Tues, the 8th, when Jared left.... well, I would not say I had gotten the grand weekend I had hoped for. But, such is life, right?!
Wed, the 9th, rather than being here filing the final paperwork for my divorce, I was in SLC fighting to save the relationship I thought Jared and I had. We have not seen eachother since.
Now... THIS 4th of July:
My mom drove up early afternoon on the 3rd, and had us bring the Girls to her hotel where they watched movies and ordered pizza while David and I went to see "Transformers." He and I then did some shopping and went home. We got to sleep in the next morning.... which was good because both of us had gotten sick over night. David went to run some errands, and by fireworks from one of the big firework stores here, while I took my time getting ready. We then went and picked up the Girls and headed over the the Wallace's for some really good BBQ and fun. After an afternoon of food and slip and slide, we settled in there back yard to roast marshmallows, and then into the front to set of the $40 worth of "illegal" (if you live anywhere but WY) fireworks David had bought. Then for the City fireworks. At about 11:00, we took the Girls back to my mom, and it was home to bed after one of the best 4th of July celebrations I can remember.
Last year, everything just seemed to fall apart on it's own. This year, it all just seemed to come together so perfectly and satisfactorally!
Just one more thing that shows me how much better the path I chose was, than the one I almost took!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Phases
I've been looking at pictures as they scroll through on our computer. Wow! So many different phases that we as a family have passed through in the past 7 1/2 years. I look at the pictures of David and myself from our first ring ceremony when we were newly weds. To Elizabeth's birth, our time in Colorado, Elysia's birth, our time in Utah, our move here, Abby's birth, The Girls growing up, and now. Parenthood is truly a glimpse into the circle of eternity!
Some phases, I'm FAT. Some I'm slim with a horrible complexion due to the strain child birth puts on my body... for some reason, specifically my skin. Some I don't like the "flavor" of the memories. Some, I ache to relive.
When it comes down to it, I am happy with the progress and very glad that time has marched forward. I look forward to new beginnings. I am gearing up to make some MAJOR changes with the birth of our son this month.
David and I have grown up so much since Elizabeth joined Our Family. I feel bad for her in a lot of ways. She had to deal way too much with Parents who were still so immature. I see the damage it's done, and really want to get it repaired before it's too late. I'm so glad she's still a Little Girl.
Elysia, Abby and Jacob are still so young and impressionable... and I thank God for that. I just need to not forget what a wonderful opportunity lies ahead and how much responsibility I have to shape them and teach them.
As for David and Myself.... we are gradually cutting our path to being partners for eternity. We are not where we want to be yet. However, we are SOOOO much closer now than a year ago.
Some phases, I'm FAT. Some I'm slim with a horrible complexion due to the strain child birth puts on my body... for some reason, specifically my skin. Some I don't like the "flavor" of the memories. Some, I ache to relive.
When it comes down to it, I am happy with the progress and very glad that time has marched forward. I look forward to new beginnings. I am gearing up to make some MAJOR changes with the birth of our son this month.
David and I have grown up so much since Elizabeth joined Our Family. I feel bad for her in a lot of ways. She had to deal way too much with Parents who were still so immature. I see the damage it's done, and really want to get it repaired before it's too late. I'm so glad she's still a Little Girl.
Elysia, Abby and Jacob are still so young and impressionable... and I thank God for that. I just need to not forget what a wonderful opportunity lies ahead and how much responsibility I have to shape them and teach them.
As for David and Myself.... we are gradually cutting our path to being partners for eternity. We are not where we want to be yet. However, we are SOOOO much closer now than a year ago.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I am who I am
I am who I am. I am that way because I know I need to be that way. But I often struggle with the balance between who I am, and who I need to be to get what I want. People expect me to be a certain way. Sorry, it's just NOT happening. But to limit the frustration I face OFTEN with these situations (the people and their expectations) I try to adjust a TINY... almost unnoticable amount for comfort and accomodation sake.
I think one of the most frusrating parts is that it's the people who SHOULD love me unconditionally who expect me to change the most. Just because they aren't that way, weren't taught that way, weren't shown that way, whatever..... AAAHHHH! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THE CLOSED MINDS of these people. I AM NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am NEVER going to do it the way YOU do. I do not have the same financial situation, the same home situation, the same marriage situation, the same religious situation, or the same education that you do. So STOP trying to make me just like you! It WILL NEVER BE!
I am so tired of dealing with uneducated, uncultured people who live their lives like Lemings in a computer game and who think that the way THEY are is the only way to be, so I should give up my intellect, and my vast knowledge of things they may never know, and be just like them.
What a Snob I have become.... but I want to spend my time with people on the same intellectual, and culture level that I am on. I am tired of acting, or speaking beneath myself for others. So, what are my options? Sometimes I feel like my ONLY option is isolation. That is a VERY frustrating thought because I LOVE to socialize.
And it doesn't help that there are people I care about who know NOTHING of the world I have and currently live in who I would like to spend time with because I love them. But I feel like I am ALWAYS the one making all of the compromises and having to give so much because they just WON'T. And it is almost laughable that one of the biggest reasons that they won't is because they live in such a bubble and are so oblivious to what's really out there, that they don't know anything's missing or that they are in a one sided relationship where the OTHER side gives and gives, and all they seem to do is take. They honestly believe that they are giving what they have to give.... when they don't even have a realistic idea of their resources and what life costs.
Anyway.......
I will always be me. And I strive every day to be the BEST me I can be. So, I'm going to stop complaining for now ;-) and get back to perfecting that.
I think one of the most frusrating parts is that it's the people who SHOULD love me unconditionally who expect me to change the most. Just because they aren't that way, weren't taught that way, weren't shown that way, whatever..... AAAHHHH! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THE CLOSED MINDS of these people. I AM NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am NEVER going to do it the way YOU do. I do not have the same financial situation, the same home situation, the same marriage situation, the same religious situation, or the same education that you do. So STOP trying to make me just like you! It WILL NEVER BE!
I am so tired of dealing with uneducated, uncultured people who live their lives like Lemings in a computer game and who think that the way THEY are is the only way to be, so I should give up my intellect, and my vast knowledge of things they may never know, and be just like them.
What a Snob I have become.... but I want to spend my time with people on the same intellectual, and culture level that I am on. I am tired of acting, or speaking beneath myself for others. So, what are my options? Sometimes I feel like my ONLY option is isolation. That is a VERY frustrating thought because I LOVE to socialize.
And it doesn't help that there are people I care about who know NOTHING of the world I have and currently live in who I would like to spend time with because I love them. But I feel like I am ALWAYS the one making all of the compromises and having to give so much because they just WON'T. And it is almost laughable that one of the biggest reasons that they won't is because they live in such a bubble and are so oblivious to what's really out there, that they don't know anything's missing or that they are in a one sided relationship where the OTHER side gives and gives, and all they seem to do is take. They honestly believe that they are giving what they have to give.... when they don't even have a realistic idea of their resources and what life costs.
Anyway.......
I will always be me. And I strive every day to be the BEST me I can be. So, I'm going to stop complaining for now ;-) and get back to perfecting that.
Friday, May 22, 2009
My life as it stands
I am 30 weeks! YAY! It's hard in some ways to have this pregnancy come to an end, but of course in others, it's very much anticipated. I would REALLY like to have at least one more. Mybe 2. But I don't want to stretch myself too thin for the ones I already have. I want to be a good Mother to them and if that means stopping at 4, then so be it. Because I know this could be my last, I am savoring a lot of the "Little Things" about it. I really enjoy feeling him busy inside of me. It's really a shame that not everyone gets the chance to feel another life inside of them. I really cherish that as a woman. Men will never know that. I complain plenty, but LOVE feeling him moving around. Even when it makes my sides hurt or keeps me awake. If I DO have another one or two, I really want to time it so that I can REALLY savor it.
Something that I realized at my last Dr's appointment is that Heavenly Father has blessid me this time with the "Perfect Pregnancy." It's a term that has been spoken of often this time because when David and I were divorced, that was something he "Promised" me if I married him again. Well, he of course is Human, and as such, even his best intentions may not always mean following through to the extent he means to. It's been rough at times, and I felt a bit let down. And then I had the realization that HE might not be able to always follow through and keep his promises the way I think he should, or he would like to, but Heavenly Father has that ability. And even though I didn't think of it until this last appointment, he has come through 100 %. The best part about having it be HE who is providing, is that he is not limited. He can affect the delivery and complications (Or lack of), and provide there as well. David of course has 0 control of that aspect. Sooooo, David does his best, but my WONDERFUL Father has and I am sure will continue to bless me with the "Perfect" experience.
One of the things that makes me so sure that this will continue as well as it HAS been is that I have been reassured of the timing of this Baby MANY times. And that Heavenly Father wanted me to have this blessing and He would be sent when it was time.
I have mentioned it before, but I am TRULY looked out for. Even in the "trivial" things that may not seem significant to others. With Abby, I was really wanting my delivery to go a certain way. And defying medical probability, it did. Medically speaking, I should have needed a C-section. But everything lined up PRECISELY so that not only did I safely avoid one... With NO risk to Abby, but I also got to skip the epidural. (She was WAY too fast for one)
Our washer went out this past weekend. That was a HUGE bummer. But despite the possibility we might be SOL with it, everything worked out PERFECTLY and not only were we able to replace it, but we were able to get the one I wanted vs. having to settle. That was a HUGE deal to me seeing as I don't want to get a low end model now and have to try to upgrade later. It's a pain and costs too much.
***********************************************************************************
Elizabeth has really struggled with school this year. She has a really hard time understanding that there are certain rules of behavior and that she needs to follow them in order to be able to learn. So, we signed the papers today for her to repeat kindergarten.
Something that I realized at my last Dr's appointment is that Heavenly Father has blessid me this time with the "Perfect Pregnancy." It's a term that has been spoken of often this time because when David and I were divorced, that was something he "Promised" me if I married him again. Well, he of course is Human, and as such, even his best intentions may not always mean following through to the extent he means to. It's been rough at times, and I felt a bit let down. And then I had the realization that HE might not be able to always follow through and keep his promises the way I think he should, or he would like to, but Heavenly Father has that ability. And even though I didn't think of it until this last appointment, he has come through 100 %. The best part about having it be HE who is providing, is that he is not limited. He can affect the delivery and complications (Or lack of), and provide there as well. David of course has 0 control of that aspect. Sooooo, David does his best, but my WONDERFUL Father has and I am sure will continue to bless me with the "Perfect" experience.
One of the things that makes me so sure that this will continue as well as it HAS been is that I have been reassured of the timing of this Baby MANY times. And that Heavenly Father wanted me to have this blessing and He would be sent when it was time.
I have mentioned it before, but I am TRULY looked out for. Even in the "trivial" things that may not seem significant to others. With Abby, I was really wanting my delivery to go a certain way. And defying medical probability, it did. Medically speaking, I should have needed a C-section. But everything lined up PRECISELY so that not only did I safely avoid one... With NO risk to Abby, but I also got to skip the epidural. (She was WAY too fast for one)
Our washer went out this past weekend. That was a HUGE bummer. But despite the possibility we might be SOL with it, everything worked out PERFECTLY and not only were we able to replace it, but we were able to get the one I wanted vs. having to settle. That was a HUGE deal to me seeing as I don't want to get a low end model now and have to try to upgrade later. It's a pain and costs too much.
***********************************************************************************
Elizabeth has really struggled with school this year. She has a really hard time understanding that there are certain rules of behavior and that she needs to follow them in order to be able to learn. So, we signed the papers today for her to repeat kindergarten.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
My Girls
I am amazed as I see the personalities of My 3 Girls develope.
Elizabeth. Poor Elizabeth. She is ME! And she is David. Anyone who questions HER parentage is VERY out of the loop. She is sooooo smart. And she is soooo bored with her limited abilities as a Child. She doesn't do terribly well in school.... it bores her. She would much rather socialize. She is ME!!!! And I struggle so much with trying to change that. It needs to change. But when I understand where she's coming from so completely, what can I do? I have a hard time knowing that I was the same, and not knowing what, if anything would've helped me.
Elysia is sooo "Take Charge." She's also our Comedian. Her Dance Teacher told me that what makes her so funny, is that she doesn't realize she's funny. She reasons so well that punishing her is hard. She can give you a very persuasive argument in her favor for why she did what she did. She proudly announces that an octagon is a stop sign, and is only not potty trained bbecause she doesn't want to bother with it.
Abby is my little Heart Melter! She has clung to my leg since she could walk. She looks like a "Little Person" to me... Like she is older than she is in this small body of hers. She's happy to stay a Baby, and yet wants to be independant too.
It will be very interesting to see what this Little Boy of ours is like!
Elizabeth. Poor Elizabeth. She is ME! And she is David. Anyone who questions HER parentage is VERY out of the loop. She is sooooo smart. And she is soooo bored with her limited abilities as a Child. She doesn't do terribly well in school.... it bores her. She would much rather socialize. She is ME!!!! And I struggle so much with trying to change that. It needs to change. But when I understand where she's coming from so completely, what can I do? I have a hard time knowing that I was the same, and not knowing what, if anything would've helped me.
Elysia is sooo "Take Charge." She's also our Comedian. Her Dance Teacher told me that what makes her so funny, is that she doesn't realize she's funny. She reasons so well that punishing her is hard. She can give you a very persuasive argument in her favor for why she did what she did. She proudly announces that an octagon is a stop sign, and is only not potty trained bbecause she doesn't want to bother with it.
Abby is my little Heart Melter! She has clung to my leg since she could walk. She looks like a "Little Person" to me... Like she is older than she is in this small body of hers. She's happy to stay a Baby, and yet wants to be independant too.
It will be very interesting to see what this Little Boy of ours is like!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Sooo Blissfully Tired
I am so exhausted. There's a never ending pile of laundry. My Kids are never as clean, full, or satisfied as I WISH they were (my fault not their's). But we are generally happy, healthy, and well.
I realized today that no matter how many Children we have, and how many times I SWEAR the next time I'll be the Perfect Parent, it will never happen. And that's ok. My Girls know that they are safe and loved. I have yet to be committed to a Mental Institution ;-) and we are getting by. I will make just as many fashion mistakes with the next one, two, or three. They will all sometimes sleep in mismatched pj's. But at the end of the day. We are a Family and we know what that means.
Abby still has that DAMN binky. Elysia still isn't potty trained. ***SIGH**** But REALLY! Does ANY of that matter?!
I will always be grateful to have what I do. Because I have soooo much and my cup is truly full.
I realized today that no matter how many Children we have, and how many times I SWEAR the next time I'll be the Perfect Parent, it will never happen. And that's ok. My Girls know that they are safe and loved. I have yet to be committed to a Mental Institution ;-) and we are getting by. I will make just as many fashion mistakes with the next one, two, or three. They will all sometimes sleep in mismatched pj's. But at the end of the day. We are a Family and we know what that means.
Abby still has that DAMN binky. Elysia still isn't potty trained. ***SIGH**** But REALLY! Does ANY of that matter?!
I will always be grateful to have what I do. Because I have soooo much and my cup is truly full.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Love my Life!
I have realized over the past 6 months how lucky I am. May 5th marked 1 year since I packed up the Girls and left David. I am SOOOOO happy to be back home! I spent Mother's Day last year in SLC living out of a duffle bag, dependant on Jared for transportation, and planning for a divorce. This year, I get to kick back, and enjoy being a Wife and Mother. I am SOOOOO happy that I can say I am closer to where I want to be eternally, wiser, and have made so much progress over this past year. It hasn't been easy, and I would NEVER want to go through it again. But I have learned the lessons and am a better person for what I've been through. It's good to see the time spent learning the lessons as a success rather than a waste.
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