The truth of it

David's Family have been involved in WW3 for the past few days. I wasn't really an active participant when it all actually detonated, but it all kind of centered around me.

I planned and invited people to a Party for Jacob. And it happened to be the day that David's Sister was THINKING of having her son's.

Now that the storm has come, and gone, and it's "clean up" time, here are the things I learned.

First of all, I am a planner. I always have been, and it benefits me and I believe my Family of 7 to be a planner. So I don't see that changing. If I get the idea in my head in April, to have a party in July, I plan it and invite people then. I don't wait. If I wait, they may have made other plans. If I plan it when their schedule for that time is free, my chances of having them there are better. Especially people who have to travel. If you know in April that there is a party in July you need to budget for, it's so much easier than finding out in June.

I DON'T care if someone wants to have a party the same day. If I planned mine before they did, then I didn't steal that date. They can either find a different date, or accept that I have a party on that date.

I won't be adjusting anymore. Last year, we tried to move Jacob's party to accommodate family who didn't come anyway. So, now, I set the date and time, and that is when the party is. If you say "I can't come till 7." Well, the party is still at 2. Cake and ice cream and presents will be between 2 and 5. So, come at 7 if you want. We'd love to see you. But the PARTY might be over. We can still do something together. Especially if I know in advance so I don't plan something for that time frame. But we won't be shifting the times for the party.

ALL that matters is my Family of 7. I LOVE to include as MANY family and friends as I can. I will make things as conducive and amiable as I can for everyone in my life. But in the end, that's not where the top priority is.

A LOT of the issues that David and I have struggled with are traits others in his family share. Quirks that he has that have needed to be worked through are quirks that he shares with at least 2 of his siblings as well as his parents. This makes it a little easier to understand and either avoid or work with his family. Unfortunately, one of the BIG underlying issues is based on not being 100% honest about who they are, why they do what they do, and what's going on. I think that once a person is 100% honest about a situation, they can fix ANYTHING. But until then, nothing can really be fixed. You can't fix something that isn't real. Another thing I've noticed is a blurred moral line. The only real example is this: David really truly didn't see the difference between hitting a female who pissed you off, and hitting a male that pissed you off. It seriously didn't register. Fair was fair. If you deserved to be hit, you deserved to be hit. And if you were a foot shorter that him, that didn't change the force you could take. Had David understood weight/height differences/advantages, and gender differences in this area, our relationship would never have reached the levels of abuse it did. The last area that those in the family seem to struggle with is Logical vs illogical or maybe conscious vs subconscious logic. HONESTLY David doesn't get pregnancy. The Baby is not really there because he cannot feel it, see it, etc. In his head, he understands that a pregnancy meets certain criteria ie: A baby has to be in there, is growing therefore the expansion of the body, is hungry therefore the need for food. But it's a very intangible and gaseous concept. the idea is basically that cravings, pains, aversions, and the like are "figments" that are created in ones mind to get one to transition from not being pregnant to having a baby. Clear as mud? This is a family who needs a little more black and white and a few more tangible boundaries of what IS acceptable, and what just isn't.

David's Family doesn't always see, acknowledge, or enforce role separation. for example, David's Sister: She has 2 older brothers and sisters in law who were well established in adulthood (over 21 with families of their own) when she reached 18. To put it in biblical terms, she has no birthright, and in mid-eval terms, no right to the throne in the Rose line. In current religious terms, she is sealed to the Petersons. Her blood line, posterity, throne rights, and birthrights are all through her husband. She and her Husband ARE the top in HIS family. But there are 2 Sons ahead of her in HER family. She is still just as much a part of the family. She can still have her Mommy. She can still have everything she needs in life. But in the Rose Family, her role is the same as Kiera's (her sister in law) is in the Peterson Family. Not seeing this, or acknowledging this, results in an inability she has to acknowledge others' needs, and and hard time sharing. Which partly comes from her parents basically having 2 sets of children: The 2 oldest were out of the house before the 2 youngest were old enough to understand. She shares and works fine with her YOUNGER brother, but regularly forgets that there are 2 older ones. And her mom has never explained to her that she is the younger sister and not the first born son. I'm not saying she's any less important because she's a girl or third born. But there were people here, sons here, before she was. And they and their families have needs that are just as real and just as important and just may be a little farther along in the evolution of needs process. Order seniority is lost on these people because her mom and dad WERE the oldest, and forgot to point out to their younger children that the roles ARE different. And like the children's roles, like so many other things in this family, the PARENTS'roles lack clear boundaries too. So, Monkey see, Monkey do, right? Why follow the limits set by boundaries that don't exist in your world. The problem is, that "your" world may be a bit unrealistic and confined. And they Do exist, you have just never had to learn them.

Another issue that has become VERY apparent, is the abundance of favoritism where there is "none." I can't tell you how many times David's mother has sworn that there is NO favoritism. That is absolutely NOT true. There ARE certain "favors" that one or two children may be privy to that the other 2 or 3 are not. And that doesn't help ONE bit.

Heads always roll when things like this are heard by those without the education to understand them. But the truth is OFTEN hard to those who don't want to open their eyes to it. Just because you've never SEEN outside the box you're in doesn't mean there's nothing out there. And a wise person would listen to the people who've gone outside those 4 walls and not discredit them simply because they didn't see it with their own eyes. However, THIS too is a trait of the family discussed.

The sad thing here is that the parents HAVE been outside the box. And have failed passing that information down to their Children. The oldest, in an attempt to do everything perfectly, struggled for YEARS to come to terms with this. The 2nd was not so eager to "please" and never let himself be ignorant to what there was outside.... he didn't have it easy, but in the end, it worked out. The Daughter is far enough behind in age to have no gems from her brothers' struggles and lessons learned, and has been coddled by her parents to the point where she just takes their word for it. And the youngest son, well, we'll just have to see. But for now he shows all signs of being seriously blinded to reality and moral boundaries. He does what he wants, but doesn't see the reality of his distorted perspective.

What this all comes down to is one SERIOUSLY dysfunctional family that is trying to do a good job, but again, the first step is being honest with onself about what the situation IS. I LOVE and appreciate the kind and good things each person does. But I HATE the closed mindedness that often dominates. As GI Joe says though "Knowing is half the battle" so though I may not like it, at least I know what I'm up against and can be prepared. And the past week has taught me new methods of handling the situation. Thanks Rachel, for being a trail blazer and imparting your wisdom. Your input has been the catalyst for the discovery of what is really at the bottom of the situation and coping mechanisms for handling it better.