October Begins

October began with a bang pretty much from moment one....or two I guess since the 1st was pretty calm, but the 2nd was INTENSE.

I've been stuggling with my health since before Bella's birth which is a big part of what I think compelled by body to get her here early. As I watch her I am thinking she may not have been 100% ready to be on this side of the womb. She may have been forced come a tiny bit before she was ready for MY health sake. Who knows. This is an area outside of most mortals' expertise.

Anyway.....

On October 2nd, I was listening to our church's semi annual General Conference, and I heard this talk which just BROKE the damn of frustration and pain I was feeling. And I cried harder than I have EVER cried in my life. I cried because I have gone to God soooo many times over the past few months and BEGGED for my body and health to be returned to the condition it was in months ago when I was in generally comfortably good health. And this talk to me was about how simple it is to "ask and recieve" what we need from Him, and yet here I was feeling that no matter how hard I asked, I couldn't get what I needed. The man giving the talk had once prayed for a quarter, and recieved it almost immediately. And here I've prayed for but can't even have my health back. I am sure this is how many a Cancer Patient or someone who has lost a child due to health issues has felt. And that is how I felt. And I just CRIED. I cried with bitterness. I cried like there was a bottomless well of tears at my disposal, and I had decided to use every one of them. I mean it when I say I have NEVER cried like that before.

Fortunately, the talk following that one was this one. And it kind of answers that unanswerable "Why me?" Which calmed me enough to pull myself together and get on with life.

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Despite the health issues it caused to get her here, I am so happy to have Bella. I am so blessed. I am sooo grateful that I have MY challenges vs someone elses. I am grateful that most of what I have to complain about has a known fix. Even though sometimes it might not be a quick or easy fix, none of my complaints are terminal. Just inconvenient and yes, sometimes painful. But NOT hopeless. I have a WONDERFUL Family. My kids and husband make my life so rich and meaningful!