Violated

This is why my blog is now VERY private! The Post is the one with "F***ing" in it

Theatricality

After my day of posts yesterday.... which I actually didn't expect anyone to read.... I thought I needed to blog some more.

You see, there was a part in one of my posts where I called my Ex a "Slut." Now the ONLY reason that word even came to mind was because the quote from Glee was in my head where Emma says "You're a Slut, Will..." So, that came from that.

And my need to "beat a dead horse"... It's not enough that I killed it, I have to make sure it's done and gone! Or in other words, "It's not enough to douse yourselves with gasoline, you have to light yourselves on fire....", well, I am nothing if not thorough.

But you see, there is that theatricality behind it all.

Not that I need attention.... I admit that I used to, but that has toned down. More than I need the attention now, I need the expression. I need to express myself till every drop is squeezed out before I'm satisfied.

So, though I prolly Pissed a few people off with my posts yesterday, and others got a bit of a slap in the face or their feelings hurt.... that's not what my posts were about. They were about a flood of feelings, and the need to squeeze every last drop of emotion on the topic into my post because THEN and only then do I feel relief. It's about the theatricality.

Here's the thing: Words themselves are theatrical for me. Life is theatrical for me.

Because theatricality is not about simply performing. EVERY word has more than a 1 dimensional meaning. Life is not 1 dimensional. And that's where I get into trouble.

VERY few people I know have the ability to see past that first dimension of the word and they find that first dimension offensive. Whereas the 2nd, and 3rd may not be.

Take what I said in one of my posts: "She's STUPID!" Is not a nice thing to say 1 dimensional. But 2nd dimensional, it's not quite as bad. She's not stupid in the sense that she in unintelligent, or less of a person. But she has the power in her hands to change the things she doesn't like, or go after the things she needs, and yet she mourns the things she "wants" but doesn't have, and doesn't see the bigger picture.... meanwhile, what if the answer's just past the haze of self actualization of her fears. She is so focused on the problem that the solution eludes her. Making her "Stupid."

Then there is the fact that I play on words and situations almost constantly.

For example: Yesterday I took David his clothes and as I was entering the room he was in, I told him something and he stared at me blankly. So, I spoke loudly, clearly and like he was an idiot... or a "Foreign Exchange student named Sunshine....." And at the end of what I had to tell him, I finished with "Glee Club is Fun. Swaying in the background can be fun..... You like me very much!" When you're in on it, it's fun. When you're outside looking in, I sound like a JERK!

And that was actually one thing that David and I struggled with before. He didn't realize that even when things were tense I was usually being theatrical vs serious. I might say something that fit our situation but was a quote from something else. Then HE would respond harshly, and by the time I could explain what I had meant by it, we'd be fighting.

So stop doing it, you say?

Well, my mind doesn't work quite like that.

But now that we have worked through that, we actually have fun with it.

My mind races a million miles a second, but I can't always pull the the information I NEED from it at the moment I need it, so I say what comes to mind.

Clear as mud?

Basically, I am in capable of thinking in the box or on a 1 dimensional level. I've seen outside of the box, and can't pretend that there isn't more out there. I've seen the other dimensions to things and can't view them as flat anymore.... "What's the next step?"

With him, it's always: "Sophie, what's the next step?"

Another thing I've realized is that life is really a stage production. Therefore, by definition, life IS Theatrical.

We choreograph our days, dance around situations and people, and break into song (arguments, love making, you name it) randomly throughout. If you look at it that way, I would dare say it's MUCH easier to take things in stride.

SOOOO, here's to being theatrical. May it carry you through the days of your life.

It's what keeps me going.

Time

‎"It has been said time heals all wounds. I do not agree.The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessons. But it is never gone." ~ Rose Kennedy.

It FINALLY CLICKED

I'm done with my tirade from earlier over my Ex.

But I realized something after some time had passed between my initial frustration and now.

The TITLE of his Ex's Blog Post.

I'm pretty sure that's what got under my skin, and I didn't realize it.

You see, on top of EVERYTHING, the title was the title of a song. Not just ANY song. A song I am VERY passionate about. And that song just happens to be His and My "Song" from when the whole "baby" scenario was taking place.

I had always thought "Our Song" was "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers. And then, 4 years later, when we were on our 3rd try, he told me that he had always considered "I would do anything for Love" By Meatloaf Our song.

You have to realize exactly how Surreal that whole segment of my life was. And know that I took a job 3000 miles away, and moved JUST TO GET AWAY from him. And even THAT didn't work like I'd hoped. Our "fling" lasted YEARS beyond that. And all the while "I would do anything for Love" was the background music.

That's why we're married

I just said something to Elysia at the exact same time David said the EXACT same thing.

Looks like we're blending just fine :-)

Meanwhile we had a misunderstanding earlier where I thought he was "lolly gagging" in Rachael's office when he was supposed to be asking her a simple question then be on his way home. And when we talked 1/2 hour later, he was on his way home, but had NOT asked her the question even though he'd spent 1/2 hour BS ing with her.

He took longer than normal getting home, which only fanned the fire. Add that to a BAD day, and I was PISSED off when he got to the door with..... a Slushee for me.... SCORE ONE for HIM! He then went to the Grocery store and returned with 3 cans of a specific hot chocolate that we have been searching for over several weeks with no luck...... SCORE TEN for HIM! Boy was he digging himself OUT QUICK!

Finally, I discovered that he was only in Rachael's office for about 5 min, and misunderstood what it was I needed him to find out.

So, back to marital bliss :-)

The Dream that started it all

When I was 19, I had a dream about the boy I was currently dating. In it, I was in the Jordan River Temple which at the time was just blocks from my home.

I was inside the Temple, and he was outside at the door trying to get in....which he couldn't because he didn't have a recommend ( a piece of paper from a Mormon Bishop which allows entry to any of the LDS Temples).

I went out to get him, and couldn't get back in.

What a premonition this turned out to be. I thought being in a relationship with him was the right thing and would "save" him from his rebelliousness. Not only was I WRONG but the damage the relationship did to me has been long lasting!

This is the message I want to portray this Holiday season