There are NO words.

I have continued reading the book "The Cleansing of America." I can't stress this ENOUGH: IT IS A MUST READ!!!!!!

It is NOT "Light Reading" but it is IMPORTANT reading.

And Today has been HELL on earth.

On our way home from Salt Lake last week, the cork must have come out of the bottle. It took us 6 hours to get home. David was different than he has been in a long time. And I REFUSE to go back to that way of existence. And NO ONE who has not been through it can know just how deep the feelings run!

We fought and then stopped the car and got out for a break, and then repeated the scenario several times.

Today he REFUSED to go to church. Refused to help get the Children ready, and as I am DASHING out the door (because for ONCE rather than fight with him, I was getting MYSELF to church ( I was cutting it too close to get the 4 children ready by myself) He announced that I was NOT leaving the Children. So, we showed up JUST in time for the sacrament with Jacob in Pajamas, Abby shoeless, and NO One's hair done. (YES the sacrament was THAT important to me).

And I struggled and struggled to handle my emotions, and my Children by myself. And then Ivy took the time to help with Jacob. And Teresa took the time to talk with me and help with Elysia. And then Ivy took MORE time to help with Abby. And the Bishop sat with me for at LEAST an hour and a half while I went back and forth in my mind on where my relationship with David stood.

And it wasn't caused by David refusing to go to church or help out. It was caused by what that symbolized.

You see, all of that Heaven and Hell stuff that you read about in the Scriptures. That Prophets have spoken of for CENTURIES and MILENA, It is the stuff our lives are made of.

We really actually have it in our FACES. And when we choose things that are not "Good" things EXPLODE. And when we choose things that ARE "Good" other things explode.

And Elizabeth and Elysia are sooooo AWESOME. And Jacob and Abby are soooo SPECIAL!

Someday my ramblings will make sense. But Bella from Twilight said it well when she said: "Alice, is it possible that everything's true? The fairy tales and horror stories? Is it possible that there isn't anything sane and normal at all?..."

And don't go freaking out. I'm quite sane. And quite safe. I just know things that MANY people don't know, let alone understand... though we've been told about them since the beginning of the world.