The last fight with D finally did it. It's not because there was any truth in what he said. It's not because I think little enough of myself to believe the things he said and put truth into something that held none.
It's because I see in his words others view on me and my accomplishments.
And where I see great accomplishment, and hard work, balance and effort, others see very little contribution. And it's a self actualizing thing. They see little contribution, therefore I find the motivation to contribute slipping away.
I have struggled for 8 years to mold my Little Ones into what they need to be, and it's a 1 step forward, 50 steps back kind of deal. I will now spend every second of every minute of every hour of every day trying to undo what that last fight did to the order around here. And then, it will happen again. Because David doesn't see what's going on, and therefore doesn't care enough to prevent it.
SO much effort. SO much time. SO much hard work. For NO Body to appreciate.
I'm tired. I'm frustrated. And I am out of steam and passion for the time being.
When D and I got remarried, his sister and a couple of others commented that if he treated me the way he did before, he'd have to answer to them.
And yet they watch and listen and read about it happening again. And don't care. At least not enough to stand behind their words.
So.... I am done. What little motivation I have left will be for me. And for the 4 Babies who mean so much to me. No one else. Not ward members, not family. SOME Friends who don't consistently make me feel like our friendship is completely based on my efforts and is one sided will be given some of my effort.... but that is a SMALL amount of people!
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