Sometimes the best way to get rid of crazy is to understand it

Obviously this does not apply to SOME people ;-) But it does to me. My crazy is a defense. It's my "I did it the way I was "expected to" and hated the results. So, now I do it MY way and even if I don't get any better of results, at least I don't feel like I gave up myself for nothing." defense. I figure that if I can't win, I might as well do it the way that leaves me feeling like I didn't just get screwed out of EVERYTHING!

I didn't used to be that way. But it's like Laura once said I am OCD, but not clinically. I can CHOOSE to be or not. And if I'm used to getting screwed by a person or situation, I am extra OCD around them.

David has days where he really works with my crazy, and I try to make sure he's rewarded. And when people WORK with my crazy rather than try to change me, I relax and don't need the crazy anymore.

A Word On Attraction

A study revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. If she is menstruating, pregnant or menopausal, she is more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected... Hahahahaha!

All I ever need to know, I learned on HOUSE

Mondays episode of house was enlightening combined with the night David and I had Tues.

I realized something very important:

Fights, arguments, disagreements, not always being happy with eachother is part of LIFE. It just is. That's part of what loving someone is all about. You see, a lot of arguments are misunderstandings that occur when someone in the relationship is trying to meet a need in their partner, but not quite getting it. But that's the key: They are trying. Both partners may be trying, and just not getting it. And sometimes a fight occurs. But again: They are BOTH trying. And I am learning that is exactly what matters. Not that every itch each person has gets scratched every time. Not that the person adequately meets EVERY need. But that they love you enough to have making an effort as a constant thought. That they give up comforts for your comfort. And you in return reciprocate the effort. If you are with someone who doesn't even try, it's a totally different story.

But there are very few "unforgivable" sins in a marriage. Cheating is definitely on the list. As well as REAL abuse of ANY family member. But misunderstandings are not and should not be the grounds for not being able to work it out. Because you can both take time to "cool off" and come back and simply be done.

Realizations after My World Ended

Satan must HATE me. SERIOUSLY. I am not even close to perfect. But I do not know how to give up. I am programmed to my core to keep going no matter what. I may stumble, breakdown, slow down, but to the very depths of who I am, I don't know how to not keep going. I get lost. I trip. I get bumps and bruises. But I always find my way back, get up, brush myself off, and "Just keep swimming."

And here's the thing: it's because it is the one thing that always pays off. I have so much success with this way of doing things. (no not the falling, etc. but the getting up and trying)

Because of this, I have to admit, I have a very low tolerance or patience with quitters. Because I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WANTING TO GIVE UP. But if I can keep going, and continue making my own destiny rather than accepting defeat....

I will say this though: I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND feeling hopeless, unloved, worthless, and all of those other emotions. And here's what I have to say: That's why God gave us chocolate doughnuts and sunshine! Best medicine EVER!!! :-)

I don't love him anymore

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE. I almost WISH I didn't. I hate him right now, but I'll be DAMNED if I ever give up Fighting for what we don't have ;-) I've never felt so unlovable, and to top it off, he was able to tell me exactly why I am. Nothing like being told you really are.


I don't think people realize how strong I really am. The fact is, it sucks, but "I
breathe in I breathe out Put one foot in front of the other Take one day at a time 'Til you find I'm that someone you can't live without Until then I breathe in and breathe out."

I realized tonight that I have a good, healthy self esteem. No matter how crappy I feel, I still try to make sure others feel good about themselves. That, I realized IS the difference between a good self esteem, and a bad one: Someone with a poor self esteem will knock people down when they feel bad about themselves. Someone with a good self esteem continues to try to contribute positively.

The worst thing is that he is sooo blind to how much I do to show him that I love him.

It pays off

All of my days and nights, weeks, months and years of battling with the Law, David, stress, people who don't understand, etc has it's perks believe it or not!

It's finally come to a point where I can look at people (David comes to mind ;-) and say "I've done it, so can you."

This morning, David and I were talking about our new schedule, and he was getting kind of crabby. I looked at him and said "You don't put up with my crankiness, I will not put up with yours. We're both tired, but your being rude and unsupportive. Knock it off."

Now, I don't really want to be like that on a normal basis. But once in a while, it sure feels good to actually have some ground to say it!

Scheduling

We, as a Family, by nature resist a schedule. We don't like having to be somewhere at a set time on a regular basis. We do well with routine, but not schedules.

But David has been home almost every day for 8 months, and we aren't a whole lot closer to having our limited space organized and fully functional than we were last summer. Of course, part of this is due to the fact that we just don't have enough room for the 6 of us and our stuff. But it also has to do with a lot of different things too.

SO, I am putting us on a schedule. It will allow for outdoor time EVERY day. As well as playgroup, etc. The only thing it will not allow for is my HORRIBLE choices in sleep hours.

Let's see how this goes :-)