Roller Skating and Blessings

It's been an intense few weeks.  I got REALLY, SUPER down.  And then, the pressure Broke!  David came home, Friends came around, and we traded in the Impala for a Brand New Dodge Grand Caravan.


And THEN, David got to stay for an extra day, and we went roller skating.

And I cannot believe what I learned from our hour and 45 minutes of roller skating... and the drive home after.

I L O V E My Family.  I love My Girls so much.  And My Boy.... he is such an adventure.  I just love watching their BIG personalities.  NONE of them are "run of the mill."  NOT ONE is the same as any of the others.

And then, on the way home, I got pulled over.  And Bless this Police Officer:  He simply told me to "Turn on (my) lights."  And then wished me a safe journey and walked away.  YIKES!!!! The Impala had automatic lights.  The van does NOT.  I REALLY need to watch that!  But thank GOD for a KIND Officer.

David left tonight.  And I'm so grateful for him.  And sad to say "Goodbye." ♥

And THEN, I was DREADING coming home and having to get the 5 kids bathed and to bed by myself... and I KNOW God knew I was worried, because it just wasn't near as hard as I feared. There's NO other answer to that.

WOW. Timing!!!

"If you’ve ever been told that you are too much.
Too big.
Too bright.
Too intense.
If you’ve ever been made to feel that you need to dull down your brightness, your beauty.
To dumb down your words.
To fit into a box that is much too small for the magnificence of your being.
That somehow, by being the person that you are, you believe that you’ll snatch that opportunity away from everyone else.
If you have allowed those messages to catch you up, take your breath away, and teach you how to relate to the world by shrinking and hiding from the full breadth of the amazing, deep, creative and gorgeous person that you are…
This post is for you."

Connecting

An interesting thought was shared with me today: "Kids will settle for attention. What they really want is connection." And I realized that brings to light many levels of issues in my OWN life.

I too want to connect. And something I realized that I think pushes people away, is that I want to connect all of the time over EVERYTHING. And that's excessive.

My OCD tendencies often stem from over stimulation issues. As intense as I am, I get over stimulated, and over connected easily.

It's like I have tentacles of nerve endings that search for constant connection and find stimulation over ANYTHING and EVERYTHING they come into contact with. And while itch for that, those nerve endings are also very sensitive and get over loaded REALLY REALLY easily.

Light and Fire

My name means "Full of Light." Not to toot my own horn, but I have been told I give off light. I know I'm not perfect. But I try to live my life in such a way that I would think would exude light.

And yet, people shy away. LOTS of people. Especially people... Men.... in positions of authority.

And I was thinking about it yesterday.

Why, if someone is "bright" would you not like them?

But then I realized: Light can be intense. It can be hot. It can burn you.

And I realized that I can be intense. And I can DEFINITELY be fiery.

So. Two possible situations: Either, being full of light is only in my head, and I don't actually put that outward. Or I'm TOO intense.

Because a person that gives off a warm, comfortable glow would be someone I would think people would gravitate toward.

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This brings me to the other thing on my mind: I am actually N O T bi polar. But I often feel bi polar. And it's because there is a CONSTANT battle inside of me. The battle between who I am, who I try to be, and who I want to be. And those parts of me are CONSTANTLY in battle with each other. NOT because of any mental illness. But because I AM different parts of a whole. I am Spirit. I am Flesh and Blood. And they are parts born of different elements. Parts that hail from different circumstances. Parts that some times want different things.

I believe that this form of "Bi polarity" is normal for each of us. And it is ACTUALLY those who try to deny that reality that experience problems. Because they are in denial. And it brings even more inner conflict than just acknowledging that there is a natural inner struggle. SO: I AM two halves of a whole. I admit this. I embrace this. Now I struggle to bring both halves into harmony. And that makes me often feel and even come across as VERY conflicted.... and even Bi polar.

Have you seen my tattoo? I L O V E my tattoo. Because it speaks novels (ok, maybe only novEL) about me. It depicts the struggle for balance in my life.;-)

Thank you to those who truly get me. You are few but valued ♥

Magic....and Anger

I took My 3 Oldest to see Disney On Ice tonight. It truly was Magical. I LOVED experiencing it with them. I was just as excited by it.... maybe almost more so, as they were.

And I LOVED that they got to have a Magical experience. And I caught myself tearing up. Because I want them to have these moments to buoy them up during those less magical moments in life.

And then I came home, and was reading about some of the things taking place in our Country under this POS President we have in charge of our fate.

And then I read about a Father watching his young Son pass away.

And I cried. Out of despair and ANGER.

With so much Beauty and the fragility of life out there, why is there so much hate, and manipulation in the world?

Can't these people, like our "fearless" (HEAVY sarcasm) Leaders see that they're wasting so much on things that strip the tenderness and beauty from the souls of those who deserve better?

Aw Shit! And other issues of the week

My Filter is gone. Not that I had a very good one to begin with ;-)

I do however, strive to be a Lady. I don't always succeed, BUT, I try.

This post was 90% done, and was deleted. So I am going to TRY to put it back together. So please forgive me if it seems choppy. Instead of a thesis, it's going to be more like a bunch of short stories. So here goes.

* I am so very content in My Marriage right now. I pray David knows how into this I am. How content I am. And feels the same.
We have worked hard, and now enjoy many comforts that we haven't had in the past.

* I am so very grateful for Mark, Sean, and Dan. They have helped us so much the past couple of weeks as we've tried to move to a less mice infested garage. I truly love them and am grateful to have them as Family.

* We had a Family Gathering on Sunday. I almost didn't go. Because I refuse to disrespect ANYONE in their own home. And I didn't feel that I owed Douglas that respect (he and Tracy were hosting) due to what I consider his lack of shared participation in the Family as a whole. However, once I decided to go, and entered his home, giving him that respect was no longer up for discussion. And even though I still feel that he has a lack of shared contribution, he and Tracy were good hosts, and I am glad for the time with Family.

* We bought a new gun last week. I have been wanting THIS particular gun for a LONG time. It is a Taurus Judge. And can either fire .45 or Shotgun rounds. Which makes acquiring ammunition much easier.

* I'd like to blend in. And protect my Family from being scrutinized. However, a line has been drawn, and I am not a Fence Sitter. And I find myself taking a very concise and firm stand on the issues I believe in. Some that I didn't KNOW until now I had an opinion on. Like Circumcision. I don't believe in it. You wouldn't remove your child's eyelid, right?

And Breastfeeding. I will not cover up to feed any child I may have in the future. Which may mean not going to many Family events. I do not know that my In Laws could handle or support my not covering up. Which means I may need to keep my distance. We shall see.

* Because of my relationship with David right now, and the very clear side I take on things, I feel that I am coming into much of my full ability to be strong and take a stand.... even when I lose Friends over it. I am SO grateful to David and My Heavenly Father for this!!!!

* David gave me a Blessing as he left to go back to work Monday. It was shorter than usual. But very clear, and thought provoking. I was Blessed with protection. I was advised to take care of myself and not only know, but respect my limits. I was blessed with health... I usually am, as I tend to be very susceptible to illness.

*David said we can have a cat...

*And I'm either pregnant, or dying. :P