I went through something sooo tramatic for me almost a year ago, that the ONLY way I made it through was Priesthood Blessings. It got to the point where David and I jokingly refered to them as my "Daily Vitamins." I literally needed them that frequently. David would even say "Are you ready for your Daily dose?"
It took a bit of time but I soon began to realize that I was and have been recieving blessings "In advance."
Some of you know that I was CERTAIN I was pregnant 4 months before I became pregnant. And that is part of the reason. This Baby and I were sooo connected through the blessings and other things of a spiritual nature that were taking place, that I was SURE I was already pregnant.
Anyway, the past couple of blessings I have had have initially frustrated me. I've foolishly come away from them thinking that I had wanted something so specific, and yet what I got had nothing or very little to do with what I "felt" I needed. However, within days, or even hours, I would come upon a situation where I would KNOW that I had already had it covered in the most recent blessing.
I feel so foolish, and yet so very blessed to know that I am not the one directing my path. If only I didn't forget it so often. :-)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!!!!
Sooooo.... Most of you know that the biggest reason David and I got a Divorce was because he had developed a very NASTY temper, and in my mind it had gotten WAY out of hand.
Most of the times his temper would flare, I was stupid enough to physically protect myself vs get the Hell out of there. When I felt threatened, my fight or flight reflex steared COMPLETELY to the stand my ground and fight side and well.... The police would get called, we would BOTH tell them that David was the aggressor. However, they had to look at the evidence on hand: He had scratches, I had nothing.... at least until a few days later when the nasty bruises would become obvious. But even on the occasions when the bruising was immediate, it was always somewhere where I could cover it, and I had learned not to trust the GRPD, so why give them more than they already had. DUMB move on my part in some ways, but hind sight is 20/20 and I think now that it was the best choice for protecting my Family. Sure, it meant I had to go through a really tough period: I was arrested 4 times, had to go through Anger Management, etc. However, my charges were dropped all but the 1st time and that was only because I decided to deal with a plea agreement vs subject us all to a trial. As I look back now, had David taken the heat like he "should" have (AND was willing to) He'd prolly be doing prison time (3 identical charges = a Felony). So, each time, I would be arrested, spend a day in jail, have to bail out etc. just for the County Prosecutor to realize in the end that they had nothing to really go after me with. What a waste. But again, it prolly saved us more than I ever realized until now.
BECAUSE.... One of the times, 2 years ago, David DID scratch ME and that meant I had easy to spot marks without waiting 24 hours for the bruising. He was not arrested (totally unfair, at the time) but he DID have to go to court. Every time something like this happens, the sentence comes with a min. 12 month Probation. Had he gotten in trouble for all of the other times, it would have been a violation of that probation and he would have been in a lot of trouble for THAT as well as the actual assault. (way detailed, I know, but seeing as most of you have been wise enough to bipass the system, I figured I'd explain.)
Well, during his 12 month probation, he didn't ever get his evaluation to see if he "needed" Anger Management or not. And I guess the Prosecutor has been keeping a closer eye on it than I would EVER have imagined.He got a letter a few months ago informing him that he was now being brought up on a probation violation charge for not completing the terms of his 12 month probation which SHOULD have ended a year ago.
He had to go to court today, and the BEAST of a Prosecutor (A "Woman" who was after me like a hound on a fox when it was MY turn to deal with the system) Decided she was going to get jail time out of him.STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!
There are REAL criminals out there, and this is what she's going after.David was sentenced to 7 days in jail. She WANTED 90. LUCKILY HIS attorney was able to convince her to drop it down to 1 weekend. SOOOOO, next Friday, he has to check in to the County Jail after work, and will check out at 6:00 am Monday morning. UGH!Sad to say it, but this is BEST CASE scenario, and I AM grateful. But again: STUPID!It means he gets to keep his job, and we get to keep him at home with us rather than him being gone for 7 to 90 days and losing his job.
But SERIOUSLY!I AM SO GRATEFUL it's not me. And there would have been a very small part of me 2 yrs ago that might have thought it was fair come about. However, even when the relationship between us was bad, I still tried to keep him out of jail.... and until now did a pretty good job of it! I mean I had NO intention of giving anyone the evidence hiding under my shirt sleeve that he had done any damage. That's another thing that bothers me. I was the "victim." And yet, without me saying a word for OR against him.... they will do as they please. I think that he is so low on the list of dangers to society that again, this is all just plain STUPID!
So, sadly enough, I am grateful that we got best case scenario. My life can remain stable, as well as the Children's. We lose very little in the long run. It's just the stupidity of it all that I hate.
I guess I remain grateful for Miracles... this one really IS big, and I do not want to lose sight of that!
Sorry to those of you who knew nothing of this! I hope you'll understand that we're not perfect, but are working VERY hard to become so. David and I have had to overcome some incredible obstacles, and are very pleased with the progress and outcome so far. We can truly say that we are commited to eachother and our Family... and making it an ETERNAL Family.
We love eachother and our children more than life itself. Please don't judge too harshly. :-)
Most of the times his temper would flare, I was stupid enough to physically protect myself vs get the Hell out of there. When I felt threatened, my fight or flight reflex steared COMPLETELY to the stand my ground and fight side and well.... The police would get called, we would BOTH tell them that David was the aggressor. However, they had to look at the evidence on hand: He had scratches, I had nothing.... at least until a few days later when the nasty bruises would become obvious. But even on the occasions when the bruising was immediate, it was always somewhere where I could cover it, and I had learned not to trust the GRPD, so why give them more than they already had. DUMB move on my part in some ways, but hind sight is 20/20 and I think now that it was the best choice for protecting my Family. Sure, it meant I had to go through a really tough period: I was arrested 4 times, had to go through Anger Management, etc. However, my charges were dropped all but the 1st time and that was only because I decided to deal with a plea agreement vs subject us all to a trial. As I look back now, had David taken the heat like he "should" have (AND was willing to) He'd prolly be doing prison time (3 identical charges = a Felony). So, each time, I would be arrested, spend a day in jail, have to bail out etc. just for the County Prosecutor to realize in the end that they had nothing to really go after me with. What a waste. But again, it prolly saved us more than I ever realized until now.
BECAUSE.... One of the times, 2 years ago, David DID scratch ME and that meant I had easy to spot marks without waiting 24 hours for the bruising. He was not arrested (totally unfair, at the time) but he DID have to go to court. Every time something like this happens, the sentence comes with a min. 12 month Probation. Had he gotten in trouble for all of the other times, it would have been a violation of that probation and he would have been in a lot of trouble for THAT as well as the actual assault. (way detailed, I know, but seeing as most of you have been wise enough to bipass the system, I figured I'd explain.)
Well, during his 12 month probation, he didn't ever get his evaluation to see if he "needed" Anger Management or not. And I guess the Prosecutor has been keeping a closer eye on it than I would EVER have imagined.He got a letter a few months ago informing him that he was now being brought up on a probation violation charge for not completing the terms of his 12 month probation which SHOULD have ended a year ago.
He had to go to court today, and the BEAST of a Prosecutor (A "Woman" who was after me like a hound on a fox when it was MY turn to deal with the system) Decided she was going to get jail time out of him.STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!
There are REAL criminals out there, and this is what she's going after.David was sentenced to 7 days in jail. She WANTED 90. LUCKILY HIS attorney was able to convince her to drop it down to 1 weekend. SOOOOO, next Friday, he has to check in to the County Jail after work, and will check out at 6:00 am Monday morning. UGH!Sad to say it, but this is BEST CASE scenario, and I AM grateful. But again: STUPID!It means he gets to keep his job, and we get to keep him at home with us rather than him being gone for 7 to 90 days and losing his job.
But SERIOUSLY!I AM SO GRATEFUL it's not me. And there would have been a very small part of me 2 yrs ago that might have thought it was fair come about. However, even when the relationship between us was bad, I still tried to keep him out of jail.... and until now did a pretty good job of it! I mean I had NO intention of giving anyone the evidence hiding under my shirt sleeve that he had done any damage. That's another thing that bothers me. I was the "victim." And yet, without me saying a word for OR against him.... they will do as they please. I think that he is so low on the list of dangers to society that again, this is all just plain STUPID!
So, sadly enough, I am grateful that we got best case scenario. My life can remain stable, as well as the Children's. We lose very little in the long run. It's just the stupidity of it all that I hate.
I guess I remain grateful for Miracles... this one really IS big, and I do not want to lose sight of that!
Sorry to those of you who knew nothing of this! I hope you'll understand that we're not perfect, but are working VERY hard to become so. David and I have had to overcome some incredible obstacles, and are very pleased with the progress and outcome so far. We can truly say that we are commited to eachother and our Family... and making it an ETERNAL Family.
We love eachother and our children more than life itself. Please don't judge too harshly. :-)
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
A Sonnet
Rain Rain go away. Don't come back another day. I mourned you once, but now I'm through. I'm ready to be done with you! You left me once to my lament. Then you came back and I was spent. I do not wish you back this time, nor to merge your life with mine. You held a beauty all your own. The depths of me you may have known. Yet you are not the balm I need, to keep closed wounds we've known to bleed. So please be done, and gone this time. And leave me to enjoy what's mine!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Hairspray
We just watched the movie "Hairspray" again. I forgot how much I LOVE that movie. It has such a good message and feeling to it. My Girls enjoy it and even get passionate about it. I like that. It teaches about acceptance, feeling good about who you are, and so many other things that kids miss out on learning about in entertainment today
Something on Love
I have been thinking over the past years as well as the past few days about love and how it is defined differently for each of us. Each person expresses and recognizes love differently. For example, I show love by doing nice things for people and spending time with those I love. I don't show love by giving gifts. I also recognize that someone loves me by the kind of actions they show me. Not gifts. Not words. I know someone cares about me when they spend quality time with me and do nice things for me (service, more or less).
It's just how I am. It's my Love Language. There are those who's love language is Gift Giving.
My Love Language, and that of Gift Giving aren't really conflicting.... when communication is used. But when there is a lack of communication, they can conflict.
If there is someone who I love, and the feeing is mutual. And I want to spend time with them but instead of time, they send a gift, I do not feel loved by them. (my mind knows the meaning, but it doesn't quite scratch the itch) And if that same person wants a gift, and instead I come over for a day, they may not feel loved by me. (they may appreciate it... but again, it just doesn't bring the same sense of fulfillment.) I hope this makes sense.
Christmas is a very hard time for me when this topic is involved. No matter WHAT our circumstances, Christmas Gifts are a struggle for us. The reason is not financial. It is the fact that we live so far from our Families. I celebrate Christmas by spending quality time with the people I love.... so, I would rather take $500 and spend a week during the Holidays in SLC, than go and buy $500 worth of presents. And I would rather the people I care about use the $ they would spend on gifts for me to take a day or two and come to visit.
Over the years, David and I have spent a lot of $ on making trips to SLC to spend time with Family and Friends. It is how we show love. We are there for special occasions, funerals, parties, etc if we are invited and can at ALL come. But it often means that the $ isn't there for gifts all the time. I KNOW that people would understand it if we COULDN'T make it. But to spend $30 on a tank of gas vs on sending a gift.... well.... we will choose the gas to attend over sending a gift.
It's hard on me emotionally to put so much into being there just to find out that people care more about the gifts. Soooo....
I am trying to learn that since some would prefer the gifts, we will send a gift. And stay home if both are not reasonable at the time.
This sounds kind of whiny. It's not meant to. I just have had to come to terms with it over the past 7 years.
I understand the need for balance and that people just express love differently.
I just wish that it was an easier task to build relationships where each party can be sensitive and accepting of differences so that both feel loved and fulfilled. I need to work on it too. But if I could speak the Love Language of the people I care about so that THEY can feel loved, and they in turn could speak MINE... neither of us change OURS, just be able to speak the other's when trying to communicate love....that would be a satisfying and fulfilling relationship.
It's just how I am. It's my Love Language. There are those who's love language is Gift Giving.
My Love Language, and that of Gift Giving aren't really conflicting.... when communication is used. But when there is a lack of communication, they can conflict.
If there is someone who I love, and the feeing is mutual. And I want to spend time with them but instead of time, they send a gift, I do not feel loved by them. (my mind knows the meaning, but it doesn't quite scratch the itch) And if that same person wants a gift, and instead I come over for a day, they may not feel loved by me. (they may appreciate it... but again, it just doesn't bring the same sense of fulfillment.) I hope this makes sense.
Christmas is a very hard time for me when this topic is involved. No matter WHAT our circumstances, Christmas Gifts are a struggle for us. The reason is not financial. It is the fact that we live so far from our Families. I celebrate Christmas by spending quality time with the people I love.... so, I would rather take $500 and spend a week during the Holidays in SLC, than go and buy $500 worth of presents. And I would rather the people I care about use the $ they would spend on gifts for me to take a day or two and come to visit.
Over the years, David and I have spent a lot of $ on making trips to SLC to spend time with Family and Friends. It is how we show love. We are there for special occasions, funerals, parties, etc if we are invited and can at ALL come. But it often means that the $ isn't there for gifts all the time. I KNOW that people would understand it if we COULDN'T make it. But to spend $30 on a tank of gas vs on sending a gift.... well.... we will choose the gas to attend over sending a gift.
It's hard on me emotionally to put so much into being there just to find out that people care more about the gifts. Soooo....
I am trying to learn that since some would prefer the gifts, we will send a gift. And stay home if both are not reasonable at the time.
This sounds kind of whiny. It's not meant to. I just have had to come to terms with it over the past 7 years.
I understand the need for balance and that people just express love differently.
I just wish that it was an easier task to build relationships where each party can be sensitive and accepting of differences so that both feel loved and fulfilled. I need to work on it too. But if I could speak the Love Language of the people I care about so that THEY can feel loved, and they in turn could speak MINE... neither of us change OURS, just be able to speak the other's when trying to communicate love....that would be a satisfying and fulfilling relationship.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing...
Come, thou Fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy grace; streams of mercy, never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise. Teach me some melodious sonnet, sung by flaming tongues above. Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, mount of thy redeeming love.
Here I raise mine Ebenezer; hither by thy help I'm come; and I hope, by thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home. Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God; he, to rescue me from danger, interposed his precious blood.
O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be! Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.
I LOVE this song. It just FITS me. On this Easter, I believe this sums up my thoughts and feelings pretty well.
Here I raise mine Ebenezer; hither by thy help I'm come; and I hope, by thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home. Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God; he, to rescue me from danger, interposed his precious blood.
O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be! Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.
I LOVE this song. It just FITS me. On this Easter, I believe this sums up my thoughts and feelings pretty well.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Gratitude and Frustration
I think those are the topics I write about consitently. However, I have spent quite a bit of time typing up Blogs, just to find out the next day that they didn't post. Grrr.Anyhow, I am very blessed in my life. And at the same time constantly frustrated. Sooo....One thing I am very happy about is that tomorrow, a Chapter in my Life comes to an end. A MUCH needed end. To every decision, there are consequences. I have always tried to face the consequences to my choices like a Big Girl. And I try to learn from the unpleasant ones, so that I can more consistently make choices that come with the consequences I like vs ones I have to swallow like it or not. I don't think that I often make choices without being realitively informed and therefore have no one to blame when the consequence, though exactly what I was expecting, doesn't fit to my liking. In such a situation, I made a well informed choice, and have paid the price. And now, I can put it behind me. I have been blessed to be well guided and informed for the most part these past years. I have sometimes had the choice "nudged" out of my hands, and have been spared some consequences because of it. And on the other hand, I have always been informed properly so that when I do make a choice, I do not make it blindly. I HAVE however, on occasion blinded MYSELF despite proper information and guidance. But it is still very much a blessing to be so well educated.Sometimes I will even sit down and type up a whole entry. Post it, and go on my way. And I do not consider it accidental when the next day it is not there. I know that I am watched out for. I believe STRONGLY in a Diety who cares personally for me and looks out for my well being. Sometimes, though I don't realize it at the time, some things just aren't meant to be said a loud.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
My Conclusion
This is going to sound gutsy, I do not care. I have come to the conclusion that when God is pleased with a Person, they get second chances. And when he's not... they don't.It makes sense to me when I look at it from a Parental Perspective. When I am pleased with My Children, they get second chances. Not so much when I'm not.If you look into the History of it, it is actually tried and proven. Saul for one. Those like Job, who don't have things work out initially because they're being tested or for other reasons, (but have kept favor with God) always have it "made up" to them in the end. They just have to KEEP Favor with God. Pass the test ... if you will.I was looking at a specific situation tonight. Two people, both with regrets. One has graciously been given "back" everything she lost. The other is wallowing in the knowledge that those regrets are now permanently filed under Past and Regret. If he ever gets another chance to make up his two biggest... maybe three now... regrets, it will be VERY far down the road and he will have to learn A LOT first. And in the meantime, other people are getting to experience what life is like when you make the "Right" choice in that particular situation and don't let your pride intervene.
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