Being Judged

While at Panda Express with Amberleah, her 2 Boys, and My 5 Kids tonight, we encountered a "Man," his Wife, and 2 Sons.

They seemed overly agitated with us for no reason that I could figure.

I KNOW we're insanely loud and obnoxious with 7 Kids in a restaurant.

I know M A N Y people seem overly concerned with my parenting, and many disapprove of how I am as a Parent. Good thing they don't have to have me for a Mom. (I'm just as grateful to NOT be THEIR Mom!!!)


Anyhow, FINALLY, after several not so covert looks in our direction, I asked if there was a problem. He replied snarkily, with something along the lines of "No.  What makes you think I care enough to look at you." I let him know that I was moving on, and it was unwise of him to make more of it than it was with the Children around. He couldn't let it go.

He and His Family quickly left the restaurant, and as he walked out the door, he said "Goodbye, you Awful Looking Thing."

He then walked to the window, and twirled his finger by his ear to indicate my looniness.

I was hurt.  Basically by the fact that as someone who had never seen me before in his LIFE, he cared to hurt me.

I was talking to David about it afterwards and this was his assessment:

He is under the impression that this "Man" thought Amberleah and I were maybe a "couple".

This being Utah, he was probably a "Typical Utah Mormon."  And was offended by our existence.

Thus, the usage of the word "Thing."

I don't know if this assessment makes me feel better or worse or the same about the situation.

Here is the thing:

First off, I am not a Lesbian.  How DARE he assume that just because 2 Women and their Kids are having dinner, that we are anything but that.

Second, so WHAT if I was!!!!!!  I wasn't doing ANYTHING but eating my dinner and supervising my 5 Children.

Lesbian or not, I am a Human Being.

That behavior makes me ill!!!!

Blood Debt

This is my phrase to describe the payment that gets exacted on a periodic basis in my life.

It involves great injury to my Soul.  Sometimes to my body as well.

It has come in the form of an abusive marriage.  Inconsiderate Strangers. "Friends". And Ignorant Elected Officials.

The thing about this "Blood Debt" or "Blood Payment" as I should PROBABLY call it, is that once it is "paid", things that I am stressed about usually work out.

It seems to be the balancing force of the Karma in my life.

So, I have a love/hate relationship with it.

I'm getting better at working through the Soul Piercing pain that comes with it. :)

This Girl is On Fire

My New Theme Song.  Cliche, I know.  Everyone and their DOG has latched onto this song.  But I SERIOUSLY want this to be how I'm remembered ....

She's just a girl, and she's on fire
Hotter than a fantasy, lonely like a highway
She's living in a world, and it's on fire
Feeling the catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away

Oh, she got both feet on the ground
And she's burning it down
Oh, she got her head in the clouds
And she's not backing down

This girl is on fire
This girl is on fire
She's walking on fire
This girl is on fire

Looks like a girl, but she's a flame
So bright, she can burn your eyes
Better look the other way
You can try but you'll never forget her name
She's on top of the world
Hottest of the hottest girls say

Oh, we got our feet on the ground
And we're burning it down
Oh, got our head in the clouds
And we're not coming down

This girl is on fire
This girl is on fire
She's walking on fire
This girl is on fire

Everybody stands, as she goes by
Cause they can see the flame that's in her eyes
Watch her when she's lighting up the night
Nobody knows that she's a lonely girl
And it's a lonely world
But she gon' let it burn, baby, burn, baby

This girl is on fire
This girl is on fire
She's walking on fire
This girl is on fire

Oh, oh, oh...

She's just a girl, and she's on fire

Olympus Has Fallen.... and a New House

Have you seen "Olympus Has Fallen"?

This movie ROCKED MY WORLD.... and it didn't hurt that Gerard Butler was in it ;-)

*Spoiler Alert if you haven't seen it, and plan to*

The security of our Nation is breached, and the White House is home to a group of Terrorists in THIRTEEN  minutes. Start to Finish.

Masses slaughtered.

And that was traumatic for me!

Because unlike some people would LIKE to believe, all is NOT well in ZION, and this really IS plausible.

************************************************

So Meanwhile...

We found a house.  And I W A N T it B A D L Y!!!!!!!!

And we're playing the waiting game.

:P

Remember the house in Tooele that I fell IN LOVE with a few years ago?

Yeah.  I don't want a replay of not getting it.

Fingers crossed.

XXXXXXXXX

And PRAYERS!!!!!

TOTAL Honesty

THE 2 moments of truth for me that came from General Conference this weekend came today.

1:  The phrase "I love everything about you" was stated as a phrase we should use with our children to help them feel they are of great worth.

Upon hearing this phrase, I realized that I could not say this about/to My Children.
This is NOT any fault of theirs.

And I felt HORRIBLE at this realization.  And I Immediately put making this phrase work for me into action.

I realized that if every time Jacob (or The Girls) did or said something I struggled with, my inner AND outer dialogue was "I love everything about you" rather than "You pain in the Ass!"  Things could change drastically.

And so.  I have made it a reality.  Because as Elder Holland pointed out:  We need only to believe. The faith in the action can come later....but if we believe and are willing to "fake it till we make it," Eventually, that knowledge will come.

2: Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness.  I struggle forgiving others.  A LOT.  Because I feel like it takes away from my ability to protect myself.... and My Family.

I will be working on this immediately.... but it will take more time to figure out the ins and outs of this one.

♥♥♥♥♥

I don't see My Husband for 4 weeks at a time. I manage EVERYTHING while he is gone.... If something goes wrong, I'm the ONLY one there to handle it. I oversee 5 VERY high maintenance Children... their schooling, their manners, their health, their safety. Occasionally, I take on Friends' children... some high maintenance... because I care about the people in my life.

I struggle to balance a very full life that doesn't always go smoothly. But I do it. I have been through Many hard life scenarios. I have been humbled Many times. Sometimes we haven't known how our BASIC bills were going to get paid, and if there is negotiating or pleading that has to be done, I am the one who has to do it. Maintaining balance, also MY job alone.

And to compensate, and make things a little sweeter, and easier, when we have the ability, we sometimes spend our resources on unnecessary AS WELL as necessary luxuries. I have a Husband who fortunately is willing to spoil me a bit ;-) when he can to help ease the stress. And we like to keep busy having as much fun as we can. Yesterday things were so hard, and I was so lonely and depressed, I considered medication..... NOT for the first time. And today, My Husband let me go and buy a "treat" to give me an extra "pick me up" because that is the ONLY thing he can do to help from 1 mile south of the Canadian border... 1200 miles away, to show that he appreciates my efforts (sometimes, I don't even have the "luxury" of speaking to him on a daily basis)

I DO NOT have room in my life for extra NEGATIVITY. AT ALL. I am CONSTANTLY having to defend myself. And it should NOT be to My "Friends". If you want that title, you should be a positive in my life, not a drain on the balance of positivity that I have to fight every day to maintain.

If I remove you from my life, it's NOT because I don't care.... it's because I don't feel that YOU do. 

I want to make sure I point out, that I L O V E my life.  I L O V E what I do.  But that doesn't mean it's not H A R D!!!!

What I get out of disappointment

David and i just got screwed out of EVERY holiday this year....inCLUDING Mother's Day, My Birthday, Our Anniversary, Halloween.... by his new schedule.

I cried.  IMAGINE having your husband in another state for 4 Straight Weeks.  And having him gone for EVERY holiday between New Year's and the following Christmas.

I am soooo disappointed.  So SAD! So LONELY!  I feel SO let down.

B U T.  Here is what I get from this.

A)  My Father (God) has a different plan.  And He knows best.  Which means it just might be a BETTER plan ;-)

B)  It's time to be a Better Mom.  If I'm what they've got for all those special times, I'll give them THE best.

C) It's time to Move.  I HAVE to be in a good house where I can raise my Family.

That's all I have for now.... but this will be interesting.