Today's the day!

I wanted to make sure and get a post on here while still pregnant. Before and After, if you will.

Last night was a rough night. Sleep was evasive, my wrist really hurt, and David slammed into by belly in the middle of it all. So at 4 am I got up, took a hot bath to relax, did my hair and got dressed. It's just after 5 now. We have to be at the hospital in an hour.

I'm still not in labor, and am hoping that once I get started, it's short and sweet.

I'm nervous, like always about possibly needing a c-section. But feel peaceful. Soooo, let's get this show on the road! ;-)

Is that really ME????

David and I went to as movie yesterday. Afterwards, I was in the bathroom, and looked in the mirror. I was SHOCKED by what I saw. First of all, My belly is HUGE! It protrudes extensively and almost completely negates my D cup chest. But this I knew. The shock was my face. I looked old, and sick. Almost emaciated.

THAT scared me. Because I realized I have been starving myself. NOT on purpose. I have been eating. I don't watch calories, and I know that extra fat, cholesterol, etc. are actually good for the Baby and myself right now. But I often wait too long to eat. Or, I am so worn out, that it is just too much effort. I keep a store of food on a shelf in the living room for the Girls, so that either I or they can get something easily FOR THEM. But their needs and mine are very different right now nutritionally speaking.

Now, I have been taking my vitamins. Not every day like I should, but pretty regularly. As I said, I have not been cutting back or dieting on purpose.

But the fear was there that if I was starving, this Baby might be too. NOT a realization I want to have when it's pretty much too late to do anything about it. The damage, if there were to be any, is already done.

LUCKILY, I have gained weight pretty steadily. And David brought up a good point: If the Baby was starving, he would have been born already. Not content to stay in. My Dr also told me the other day that he prolly weighs about 7 1/2 to 8 lbs already. So.....

Learning a lesson I should have already learned.

I grew up without a Priesthood Holder in my home. What a blessing?! See, I didn't have it, but that taught me how important it is. I Know that growing up without a Dad was one of the greatest blessings I could have hoped for. Because it meant that I had ONE option: My Heavenly Father. He's very literally the only Father I've ever had. (yes, I have an earthly, biological one... he's just MIA)

Anyhow, I learned in my teens to be assertive when I needed help. I have had Priesthood Blessings from Boyfriends, Friends, Uncles, Bishops, and of course, David.

I have learned that when the Urge comes to ask for a blessing, I usually need it within 24 hours or I regret it. Since last summer, I have had a multitude of them. A lot of times they are pretty much the same thing. But they are reassuring, and confirming. I have learned that if I get out a pen and notebook, they say more and are more insightful.

This pregnancy has seen it's share of blessings. Not many people know this, but I actually have a sort of weak immune system. To the point where David and I fighting (the stress it causes) literally makes me sick for a week at a time. It was HORRIBLE before the divorce. I was very worn down, and more fragile than anyone would have guessed.

So, it has been reassuring to hear over, and over, that my body will heal and be healthy for the delivery of this Baby.

I have also been told that he will not come before he is ready. This used to reassure me because there were times when I worried I'd have him TOO early. The past weeks I have realized what I didn't before: That I need to relax and be patient because no matter how ready I am to be done with the pregnancy part, HE may not be and I need to accept that.

David gave me a blessing yesterday. I have been cranky, moody, sensitive, emotional, you name it over knowing that it's any day, but it not happening yet.

I have ALL the symptoms of pre labor. But it is still PRE. That has been wearing heavily on my patience.

A lot of it, I think came from knowing that I needed to give my mom 3 hours notice to be here so that she could take the Girls. That was hard. It's frustrating sometimes to live so far away from our family and support system. When Abby was ready to be born born, my mom was 15 min away, and I had a whole list of people I could call instantly. PERFECT. Here, there's almost no one I feel comfortable calling to take all 3 girls at once. Everyone is already so busy with their 4 kids. And there's not the loyalty like with my Friends in Utah, because we've only known eachother a few years, vs a lifetime. It's to be ecpected, it's just hard in a bind.

Anyhow, I was getting cranky, and not being the Mom I wanted to be.

In the blessing, I was again blessed to be healthy. And told that I needed to be patient and learn to trust My Father. That this Baby's arrival has a specific day and time appointed, and though it will be soon, it - like everything else, will be in GOD's time... not mine.

When the blessing was over, I felt sheepish. (As well as comforted) This is a lesson I should have learned a 100 times over by now.

So, I will wait. And enjoy the hours or days I have left to get ready.

Cellulitis

Soooo... a few short months after Miriam's Daughter, Hailey was the victim of a bacterial infection in her eye that was one form of Cellulitis, Elysia follows due to a puncture in her sinus' following a mosquito bite. GRRRRRRRR!

Poor Baby! She is the only one of us who got bit.... which is good, but why her? She seems to be the one in our Family who is prone to this kind of stuff. At just over 2 yrs, she had an ear infection and proved to be allergic to Amoxicillin. Luckily, it was not a severe reaction... she broke out in serious hives, but did not go into anaphylactic shock. Then, a few weeks ago, she got bit by a spider. Now this. Due to her allergic reaction to the amoxicillan, she has been put on cephalexin, which 1 in 5 people who are allergic to the "cillin" family of drugs have an allergic reaction to. Great. SO this weekend, I basically have to watch to make sure she doesn't stop breathing. And monitor her to see if the eye responds to the oral antibiotices... otherwise by Mon, it's straight to the ER, like Hailey. I think the only real bonus is the heads up from Miriam that let us avoid waiting/dealing with a false Pink Eye diagnosis and treatment. For that, I am VERY grateful!

REALLY, things could be worse. EXCEPT for the timing of it all. Maybe we can be Roommates at the hospital! That way I can be there for my Baby AND give birth!

Pissed off and had it.

I am not in a good mood this morning. I am a very personal space type of person. I do NOT handle invasion of that space well. I don't like decisions being made for me. I do not like to feel violated. I have struggled with my In Laws for this reason for 6 years. When Elizabeth was a new baby, my Mother in Law reached into my personal space to take her from me without my permission, and it's been a battle of wills ever since.

I like to be in control of my life, my personal space, what happens to my children, etc. I can give up control where it needs to be given, but if it's not rightfully yours.... just don't even try to get it from me.

Because of this, trust is huge for me. If I don't trust you, there isn't even a question about how much ground you'll gain with me in a power struggle. I will show you very quickly that I am keeping control of the situation.

My second pet peeve this morning is people who are ignorant, and ok with it.

I understand that everyone has had different experiences in life and not everyone knows the same things. I understand that i don't know everything. But I like to think that I am open to learning. And I have long since given up on having to learn the hard way. If there is someone who truly knows the answer that I don't, then I welcome the sharing of information. Especially when it's someone who cares about me.

I am currently struggling with someone who is ignorant and uncultured, and either doesn't realize it, or is fine with it. Well, it's her choice. I care about her and feel that in my life and trials, I have gained knowledge that would save her time, $ and energy. But she doesn't seem to have the humility, nor the desire to consider anything that she doesn't come up with on her own.

It really bugs me. It bugs me, bugs me, bugs me!!!!!!!

One thing that stands out is food. Fish. From what I have seen, fish to her is equivalent to a halibut fillet sandwich @ McDonald's. Which doesn't seem to strike her fancy. So, mention going to a Fish House... she won't even consider it. Forget the fact that the difference in the kind of fish served is night and day!I understand not everyone likes fish.... but to turn down gormet based on not liking the grocery store isle version..... has nothing to do with fish. Go for the cultural, and educational aspect, and orcder a sandwich if you truly do not like fish.

This past weekend, she probably paid $ for something that ended up being a disappointment. Being in her shoes before, I could have warned her that it was not going to be worth her $ to do it, and could have offered her a way to save some $ that she always seems to be limited on.... but I knew in advance she would disreguard anything I offered in way of advice.... so I kept my mouth shut.

It's not that she doesn't know things... she's young. It's that I have things to offer her that she doesn't have because of the short amount of like she's lived, and she turns her nose up at it over and over again.

I had the wierdest Dream

I woke up this morning after a very strange dream.

I dreamt that Pres. Hinckley lived in a very small "assisted" living apartment. He was quite independant, his wife had already died, but he had a "maid/nurse" on call for anything he may need. He was watching Elysia for me. I came to get her and needed to change my clothes. He informed me that I was going to need to use the bathroom in the "community" hall, as his was off limits to anyone but him. Then he spilled a small bed pan of urine on the bathroom floor, and called for the "maid/nurse" to come and clean it up. All of this was so that I could use his bathroom after all. I changed, and was sitting on the couch talking to him afterwards. Elysia seemed very much at home, and it all seemed sooo natural.

Then, I was at Pres. Monson's telling him all about this. Explaining that Pres. Hinckley was fine... he had spilled the bed pan on purpose to help me out rather than because he was no longer able to care for himself.

I woke up feeling really wierd knowing that Pres. Hinckley is deceased. And yet, one thing that really stuck with me was how Elysia seemed so at home in his apartment. She may as well have been at her Grandparents' home. And also how "equal" I felt to Pres. Hinckley and Pres. Monson. Like they were Friends of the Family and I could just come and go anytime I pleased. I remember sitting and watching Pres. Hinckley clean up without any urge to offer to do it for him. It was, after all, HIS apartment and I was there to visit. So he could do as he pleased, and I was under no obligation to help.

I think the thing that I marvel at, is that with that type of dream, I would naturally expect to visualize the New Baby in the situation.... signifying that he was being cared for by someone of great spiritual importance as he waits to come to earth. But it wasn't him. It was Elysia. And it left me with a feeling of peace. I think that Little Girl might be more than meets the eye. Big surprise! ;-)

This year vs last

This has been a summer of comparisons. It has been good to see where I was last year and the results of the path I chose.

The 4th of July was specifically significant.

Last year, the 4th of July was a landmark. And I wanted it to be marked with all the ceremony it could. I invited Jared's Family up, and was REALLY hoping for it to be a celebration of my independance from what I considered to be a horrific experience in a marriage that had failed.

Jared drove up Thurs. the 3rd after work. I had really hoped for my divorce to be final by then... no such luck. I still had almost a full week that I had to wait before the manditory waiting period was over. Friday the 4th started off more melancholy than I would have liked. None of Jared's Family was able to make it. So, we started off on our own. Got the Girls ready, and decided to go to the park for a picnic. We stopped on our way to the park to see if the Wallace Family wanted to come with us. They had other plans. We went to the park, ate, and then headed to Walmart to see about some last minute fire works.... we found none.

We gave up, and drove to a parking lot close to the Events Complex where the City fire works would be. That wasn't so bad. We had a pretty good time except that Abby was VERY clingy and would not stop fussing. And then it was home to bed.

The rest of the weekend seemed to follow much the same mood. By Tues, the 8th, when Jared left.... well, I would not say I had gotten the grand weekend I had hoped for. But, such is life, right?!

Wed, the 9th, rather than being here filing the final paperwork for my divorce, I was in SLC fighting to save the relationship I thought Jared and I had. We have not seen eachother since.

Now... THIS 4th of July:

My mom drove up early afternoon on the 3rd, and had us bring the Girls to her hotel where they watched movies and ordered pizza while David and I went to see "Transformers." He and I then did some shopping and went home. We got to sleep in the next morning.... which was good because both of us had gotten sick over night. David went to run some errands, and by fireworks from one of the big firework stores here, while I took my time getting ready. We then went and picked up the Girls and headed over the the Wallace's for some really good BBQ and fun. After an afternoon of food and slip and slide, we settled in there back yard to roast marshmallows, and then into the front to set of the $40 worth of "illegal" (if you live anywhere but WY) fireworks David had bought. Then for the City fireworks. At about 11:00, we took the Girls back to my mom, and it was home to bed after one of the best 4th of July celebrations I can remember.

Last year, everything just seemed to fall apart on it's own. This year, it all just seemed to come together so perfectly and satisfactorally!

Just one more thing that shows me how much better the path I chose was, than the one I almost took!

Phases

I've been looking at pictures as they scroll through on our computer. Wow! So many different phases that we as a family have passed through in the past 7 1/2 years. I look at the pictures of David and myself from our first ring ceremony when we were newly weds. To Elizabeth's birth, our time in Colorado, Elysia's birth, our time in Utah, our move here, Abby's birth, The Girls growing up, and now. Parenthood is truly a glimpse into the circle of eternity!

Some phases, I'm FAT. Some I'm slim with a horrible complexion due to the strain child birth puts on my body... for some reason, specifically my skin. Some I don't like the "flavor" of the memories. Some, I ache to relive.

When it comes down to it, I am happy with the progress and very glad that time has marched forward. I look forward to new beginnings. I am gearing up to make some MAJOR changes with the birth of our son this month.

David and I have grown up so much since Elizabeth joined Our Family. I feel bad for her in a lot of ways. She had to deal way too much with Parents who were still so immature. I see the damage it's done, and really want to get it repaired before it's too late. I'm so glad she's still a Little Girl.

Elysia, Abby and Jacob are still so young and impressionable... and I thank God for that. I just need to not forget what a wonderful opportunity lies ahead and how much responsibility I have to shape them and teach them.

As for David and Myself.... we are gradually cutting our path to being partners for eternity. We are not where we want to be yet. However, we are SOOOO much closer now than a year ago.