Violated

This is why my blog is now VERY private! The Post is the one with "F***ing" in it

Theatricality

After my day of posts yesterday.... which I actually didn't expect anyone to read.... I thought I needed to blog some more.

You see, there was a part in one of my posts where I called my Ex a "Slut." Now the ONLY reason that word even came to mind was because the quote from Glee was in my head where Emma says "You're a Slut, Will..." So, that came from that.

And my need to "beat a dead horse"... It's not enough that I killed it, I have to make sure it's done and gone! Or in other words, "It's not enough to douse yourselves with gasoline, you have to light yourselves on fire....", well, I am nothing if not thorough.

But you see, there is that theatricality behind it all.

Not that I need attention.... I admit that I used to, but that has toned down. More than I need the attention now, I need the expression. I need to express myself till every drop is squeezed out before I'm satisfied.

So, though I prolly Pissed a few people off with my posts yesterday, and others got a bit of a slap in the face or their feelings hurt.... that's not what my posts were about. They were about a flood of feelings, and the need to squeeze every last drop of emotion on the topic into my post because THEN and only then do I feel relief. It's about the theatricality.

Here's the thing: Words themselves are theatrical for me. Life is theatrical for me.

Because theatricality is not about simply performing. EVERY word has more than a 1 dimensional meaning. Life is not 1 dimensional. And that's where I get into trouble.

VERY few people I know have the ability to see past that first dimension of the word and they find that first dimension offensive. Whereas the 2nd, and 3rd may not be.

Take what I said in one of my posts: "She's STUPID!" Is not a nice thing to say 1 dimensional. But 2nd dimensional, it's not quite as bad. She's not stupid in the sense that she in unintelligent, or less of a person. But she has the power in her hands to change the things she doesn't like, or go after the things she needs, and yet she mourns the things she "wants" but doesn't have, and doesn't see the bigger picture.... meanwhile, what if the answer's just past the haze of self actualization of her fears. She is so focused on the problem that the solution eludes her. Making her "Stupid."

Then there is the fact that I play on words and situations almost constantly.

For example: Yesterday I took David his clothes and as I was entering the room he was in, I told him something and he stared at me blankly. So, I spoke loudly, clearly and like he was an idiot... or a "Foreign Exchange student named Sunshine....." And at the end of what I had to tell him, I finished with "Glee Club is Fun. Swaying in the background can be fun..... You like me very much!" When you're in on it, it's fun. When you're outside looking in, I sound like a JERK!

And that was actually one thing that David and I struggled with before. He didn't realize that even when things were tense I was usually being theatrical vs serious. I might say something that fit our situation but was a quote from something else. Then HE would respond harshly, and by the time I could explain what I had meant by it, we'd be fighting.

So stop doing it, you say?

Well, my mind doesn't work quite like that.

But now that we have worked through that, we actually have fun with it.

My mind races a million miles a second, but I can't always pull the the information I NEED from it at the moment I need it, so I say what comes to mind.

Clear as mud?

Basically, I am in capable of thinking in the box or on a 1 dimensional level. I've seen outside of the box, and can't pretend that there isn't more out there. I've seen the other dimensions to things and can't view them as flat anymore.... "What's the next step?"

With him, it's always: "Sophie, what's the next step?"

Another thing I've realized is that life is really a stage production. Therefore, by definition, life IS Theatrical.

We choreograph our days, dance around situations and people, and break into song (arguments, love making, you name it) randomly throughout. If you look at it that way, I would dare say it's MUCH easier to take things in stride.

SOOOO, here's to being theatrical. May it carry you through the days of your life.

It's what keeps me going.

Time

‎"It has been said time heals all wounds. I do not agree.The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessons. But it is never gone." ~ Rose Kennedy.

It FINALLY CLICKED

I'm done with my tirade from earlier over my Ex.

But I realized something after some time had passed between my initial frustration and now.

The TITLE of his Ex's Blog Post.

I'm pretty sure that's what got under my skin, and I didn't realize it.

You see, on top of EVERYTHING, the title was the title of a song. Not just ANY song. A song I am VERY passionate about. And that song just happens to be His and My "Song" from when the whole "baby" scenario was taking place.

I had always thought "Our Song" was "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers. And then, 4 years later, when we were on our 3rd try, he told me that he had always considered "I would do anything for Love" By Meatloaf Our song.

You have to realize exactly how Surreal that whole segment of my life was. And know that I took a job 3000 miles away, and moved JUST TO GET AWAY from him. And even THAT didn't work like I'd hoped. Our "fling" lasted YEARS beyond that. And all the while "I would do anything for Love" was the background music.

That's why we're married

I just said something to Elysia at the exact same time David said the EXACT same thing.

Looks like we're blending just fine :-)

Meanwhile we had a misunderstanding earlier where I thought he was "lolly gagging" in Rachael's office when he was supposed to be asking her a simple question then be on his way home. And when we talked 1/2 hour later, he was on his way home, but had NOT asked her the question even though he'd spent 1/2 hour BS ing with her.

He took longer than normal getting home, which only fanned the fire. Add that to a BAD day, and I was PISSED off when he got to the door with..... a Slushee for me.... SCORE ONE for HIM! He then went to the Grocery store and returned with 3 cans of a specific hot chocolate that we have been searching for over several weeks with no luck...... SCORE TEN for HIM! Boy was he digging himself OUT QUICK!

Finally, I discovered that he was only in Rachael's office for about 5 min, and misunderstood what it was I needed him to find out.

So, back to marital bliss :-)

The Dream that started it all

When I was 19, I had a dream about the boy I was currently dating. In it, I was in the Jordan River Temple which at the time was just blocks from my home.

I was inside the Temple, and he was outside at the door trying to get in....which he couldn't because he didn't have a recommend ( a piece of paper from a Mormon Bishop which allows entry to any of the LDS Temples).

I went out to get him, and couldn't get back in.

What a premonition this turned out to be. I thought being in a relationship with him was the right thing and would "save" him from his rebelliousness. Not only was I WRONG but the damage the relationship did to me has been long lasting!

This is the message I want to portray this Holiday season

Feelings

My First Love is the guy who I "went out" with when I was 14. The Guy who broke my heart 3 weeks later. The guy who 2 years later came to the rescue when my heart got broken again, and then 3 months later.... yes, once again BROKE MY HEART. 2 years after THAT, he was the guy that I fell so head over heels for AGAIN that I threw away my entire core value system, and have been struggling to regain it ever since. This is the guy who because of our relationship, I experienced my first miscarriage at 19. Who I completely expected to be married to before I was 20. He was the guy who I gave up even TALKING to other guys for fear that he would get wind of it, think I was cheating, and break up with me. He is the guy I RAN away across the country from to try to regain who I was trying to become. The guy who I couldn't stay away from when I came back 18 months later, and had a torrid relationship with while his Girlfriend was waiting for him 2 blocks away. The guy I drunk called while I was in AIT. The guy who wouldn't invite me to his wedding. The guy who's house I moved into when I got home from AIT. The guy who I called one night when David was in a tirade. The guy I called when I needed to leave David and couldn't. The guy who blames me for his divorce. The guy who if it weren't for all of the years of being in this cycle with I would have never gotten to know David. The guy David hates almost as much as he hates Jared. The guy I went to when I was engaged to David a 2nd time to sort it all out.

He's VERY intelligent yet in 32 years has never found a way to use it wisely. He's addictive. He's absolute POISON to my Spiritual well being. He's my confidant of the past. But the person I couldn't even TELL I was pregnant until a year after the miscarriage.

Whew. I feel so much better.

Now we're on to his EXs. One is my Sister in law. AGH! I won't even go there!!!!!!! I love her and her family Dearly. So that is better left alone. It's been dealt with.

Then there is this ONE EX of his. She has never really been my Friend. We have circled around each other since elementary school but never cared much for one another. She has been interested in the guy I mentioned above for MANY years. They were together when David and I were divorced, and that's the closest we've ever come to being Friends. Then, I invited her to Jacob's Baby Blessing. Instead of telling me she didn't want to come, she kept deleting the invite so I thought she hadn't gotten one, and invited her 3 times before I caught on. It made me feel like an idiot, and I did NOT appreciate it. That was the end of our almost Friendship. Since then, I decided (after reading about what's been going on in her life) that I should make an effort to be her Friend. She seems like she could use a support system. I messaged her exactly that (because I know just important good Friends to lean on and support you are) and got shut down FLAT! She again said things that made me feel like a complete loser.

I read ALL the time about how sad she is that after her failed marriage of 10 years, she can't find a guy to spend the rest of her life with.

She wishes she had more people in her life to be her support system.

BAH!

SO after this post of his, this guy gets TWO comments. One from her, and one from his ex that he broke my heart for the first time who was one of my best Friends. Boy is his grip long lasting because here I am blogging about him!

Whine whine whine

I'm so fascinated by people. Is common sense really so uncommon! It seems to be getting less and less "normal" for people to have some.

One thing I'm trying to work through is the people I "interact" with weekly or daily and how frustrated I am with some of the stuff that goes on.

I'm sick of people who make others feel like less.

I'm sick of people who whine about something, but refuse to do anything about it.

I'm sick of people who call themselves "Friends" but wouldn't even come to my or invite me to their parties.

That's not Friendship.

Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I'm sooooooooo sick of the stuff that everyone else seems to feed off of!

I LOVE my Life. I LOVE my Family. I have so much to be grateful for.

"Ain't nothin' gonna to break my stride

Nobody's gonna slow me down, oh-no
I got to keep on movin'
Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride
I'm running and I won't touch ground
Oh-no, I got to keep on movin' "

Family

I love my "Little" Family! ;-) They are truly a blessing!

Friends

I have some really OUTSTANDING Friends. And I have some REALLY CRAPPY Friends!

Thank you For WONDERFUL People!

Heather, Janelle, Al, Mike, Britt, Marci, Nicole, ChrisCoaster ;-), April, Kiera, Amberleah, Karie, Genelle, Kristi, Kirsten, Jen, Maria, Kelly, Melissa, Cassandra, Chas, Ambir, LuAnn, Donette, Adam, Miriam, Anna Beth, Suzy, Mandi, Becky, Anna, Susan, Amanda, Laurie, Wendy, Amanda, Rachel, Deb, Chastity, Steph, Amber, Shannon, Michele, Kerry, Deborah, Liz, Grandma Betts, Kalolaine, Heather, Alex, Cathy, Kristy, Suzanne, Shona, Wendie, Rachael, Diane, Josh and My WONDERFUL Hubby, Mom and Kids... Thank you so much for making my day!!!!!

SURPRISE

Most people are ECSTATIC at getting a dog for their Birthday! Well, Happy Birthday to me ;-) I'm surprisingly giddy.

Yes, it looks as though we just got ourselves a dog. She is the SWEETEST ball of fur in the world.

We've spent almost 24 hours going through all of the reasons to keep her and all of the reasons not to. And well, it looks like the pros outweigh the cons.

I was up ALL night last night worried about the ball of fur sleeping next to me in one of my laundry baskets. And she did FINE.

*Sigh*

Welcome CC (Candy Corn) to our Family.

Having a hard time

I want to take a night and be alone. Just me. I miscarried last week. And I had to internalize it a lot because life had to go on. And I didn't have the right circumstances to talk to David about it. I really would love 24 hours in a hotel BY MY SELF!

Christmas Cards

I've finished our Christmas Cards, and I think I am quite pleased :-)

Bring On the Rain

Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war ('cause)

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead


I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight


Bring on, bring on, the rain

I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight

Bring on, bring on, the rain

Gratitude

This is an unbelievably hard post for me right now. I feel like so much is going wrong. So, here is what I have to be grateful for right now:

I have four AMAZING Children who despite my lack of perfection and sometimes making HUGE errors as a parent, are healthy and SWEET as PIE!

I KNOW who I am, and that God loves me.

I have a husband who despite occasional psychotic tirades, comes home every night and makes it possible for us to live and for me to get out with the Girls and have "parties" regularly.

I have a van that works alright

I have stuff to clutter my home.

I have a home to decorate and fill with clutter.

I have food in my cupboards, fridge and basement.

That's what I have time for and the tears are drying. So....

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Out the window for some of the people I know and "care" about. It's just gone. While I have gained new love and respect for others. But yup! I think it's just gone for some. And it has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING other than how they treat other people.

Doesn't have to do with lifestyle choices, religion, their children.... They just are to clickish and only treat certain people with what I would call consideration or kindness.

No, they're not rude. They're just to discriminating. They won't be rude to your face. The silent blow comes later.

PS

I should make a flag that says "I support Captain Moroni" ;-)

The Aftermath of Pres Packer's talk

Be Prepared! The fact that there has been so much controversy over this talk means ONE thing. Boy are we in for a fight!

There's no backing down from here. You're on one side or the other, and you had better know now which one it is!

Supporters on both sides will be making themselves known VERY quickly.

Passion Parties, Pres. Packer, and my Life's Mission

Many have heard of Pres. Boyd K Packer's (Quorum of the 12 Apostles of the LDS Church) talk last Sunday. All I have to say to his talk is AMEN! He is a powerful Speaker and is OFTEN attacked by specifically the Gay/Lesbian community for his assertiveness on speaking out against immorality. However, “What I the Lord have spoken, I have spoken, and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth pass away, my word shall not pass away, but shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same.” (D&C 1:38.) Therefore, he stands by what he has said since “We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands, by those who are in authority to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.” (A of F 1:5.) And this is how Pres Packer has been ordained thereby becoming one of God's servants who may speak for Him.

Here is Another AWESOME talk .....

Anyway, I think that those who are living contrary to God's Laws always take offense when someone hints that what they are choosing is "wrong":

1 Nephi 16:2-3

2 And it came to pass that I said unto them that I knew that I had spoken (a) hard things against the wicked, according to the truth; and the righteous have I justified, and testified that they should be lifted up at the last day; wherefore, the (b) guilty taketh the (c) truth to be hard, for it (d) cutteth them to the very center.
3 And now my brethren, if ye were righteous and were willing to hearken to the truth, and give heed unto it, that ye might (a) walk uprightly before God, then ye would not murmur because of the truth, and say: Thou speakest hard things against us.

I thought this passage of scripture was great timing! This past weekend, I was able to hear the words of our Prophets and Apostles at all 4 sessions of General Conference. I found myself humbled during many of the talks as I was taught of Christ's atonement and finding peace & happiness during my trials. I plan to work on my temple attendance and not complaining when it gets tough. Both of these I'm sure will prove to be difficult, but I am up for the challenge and hope to gain more faith as I strive to become more like Him.

What led up to these verses? What are the hard things spoken of?
After Lehi taught his family about the olive tree and tree of life, Nephi inquired of the Lord. Being grieved because of what he had seen, he talked with his brethern, Laman and Lamuel. Nephi spoke of the symbolism of between the olive tree and the House of Israel, as well as the tree of life.

A cross reference of the word "guilty" states this:
John 3: 20 (19-21).
20 For every one that doeth (a) evil (b) hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved.

And a cross reference of the word "truth" states:
Prov. 15: 10.
10 (a) Correction is grievous unto him that forsaketh the way: and he that hateth (b) reproof shall (c) die.

"These references remind me of a talk from General Conference (I don't remember who). He said to learn from the past or go through it yourself. We have been given the scriptures as a tool to guide our lives. The pride cycle is a reoccuring theme in the scriptures and still happens today. If we do not strive to humbly keep the commandments, we will fall into the same awful traps of sin to truth that makes them feel guilty for their choices."

Anyhow, this is how I feel about what Pres Packer has said and how people in the "other" communities are reacting to it.

Bringing me on to the topic of Passion Parties.

I was talking with Genelle yesterday on the way home from my party in Roy, UT which didn't bring the monetary profit I was hoping for. We were discussing what I consider success in my business, and I told her that I consider it a success any time I can get anyone to think outside the box. And it's true.

I didn't join Passion Parties to make money per se. I did it because I believe in the need for many people to get outside of their "Box" or "Bubble" and give "different" a chance.

You don't have to swing from "moral" to "immoral" but that's just it: Besides what I said above, what exactly is appropriate or inappropriate? The LDS Church teaches of fidelity, and appropriate intimate activities between Husband and Wife. The Proclamation on the Family defines what "Mormons" believe in terms of Family and Marriage.

However, I believe that many are uninformed on what is acceptable in the privacy of their bedroom and what is not.

There is NOTHING that speaks against Husband and Wife enjoying themselves in a mutually satisfying environment. You can use candles, massage, and yes, even sex toys if that is what you choose TOGETHER. I have my other blog for my soap box on this topic, and don't want to go into it much more on this one.

What I am simply trying to say here is that my goal with Passion Parties is not to sell sex toys. It's to help people be comfortable with thinking outside the box, being open minded, and not closing themselves off to the things they don't understand. Ignorance breeds fear. Fear breeds panic. Panic leads to forgetting our humanity. There are things out there that are without question immoral and wrong. Being open minded and thinking outside of the box does NOT mean opening yourself to immorality. It simply means educating yourself and making informed decisions.

It's like dieting. If you are too restrictive, you are likely to eventually indulge beyond healthy limits when you can't take the restrictions anymore. However, if you educate yourself about the spiritually/emotionally nutritional elements of different indulgences and let yourself have a lesser of the evils "treat" once in a while, you are less likely to rebel and engage in destructive indulgences.

I see myself struggling to find more than one word to describe what I am trying to say now, which means it's time to end this particular post. I hope you see and understand where I am going with this.

And keep it up Pres. Packer!!! We ♥ you!

Empathy

* The intellectual identification of the thoughts, feelings, or state of another person; capacity to understand another person's point of view or the result of such understanding.

* The feeling or capacity for awareness, understanding, and sensitivity one experiences when hearing or reading of some event or activity of others, thus imagining the same sensations as that of those actually experiencing them.

* Ability to emotionally relate to another individual's emotional state.

* The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

Plugging along

I know it makes me seem bi polar. But these are the ups and downs of life.

I try and try to sort things out, but in the end not much really develops into anything it hasn't before.

Because the facts are these: A) David and I need to stay together and raise our family. B) I need to be home with my Children. C) Life is HARD. And D) You just have to keep plugging away.

The definition of a failure is not the person who gets knocked down over and over again. It's the person who doesn't get back up and give it more effort than before. It's not the person who sails through life unscathed... It's the person with battle scars, who has been beaten over and over and still fights with every breath for success that wins!

It's the person who can put their foot in their mouth and make mistakes, and can still look you in the eyes and say they were wrong who is successful at life.

Let it go

"Hate, resentment and anger are parasites that feed off the heart until there's nothing left for love to live on."

I'm trying!

It finally happened

My self esteem is on the blitz after 10 years of pushing through anything and everything that threatened it.

The last fight with D finally did it. It's not because there was any truth in what he said. It's not because I think little enough of myself to believe the things he said and put truth into something that held none.

It's because I see in his words others view on me and my accomplishments.

And where I see great accomplishment, and hard work, balance and effort, others see very little contribution. And it's a self actualizing thing. They see little contribution, therefore I find the motivation to contribute slipping away.

I have struggled for 8 years to mold my Little Ones into what they need to be, and it's a 1 step forward, 50 steps back kind of deal. I will now spend every second of every minute of every hour of every day trying to undo what that last fight did to the order around here. And then, it will happen again. Because David doesn't see what's going on, and therefore doesn't care enough to prevent it.

SO much effort. SO much time. SO much hard work. For NO Body to appreciate.

I'm tired. I'm frustrated. And I am out of steam and passion for the time being.

When D and I got remarried, his sister and a couple of others commented that if he treated me the way he did before, he'd have to answer to them.

And yet they watch and listen and read about it happening again. And don't care. At least not enough to stand behind their words.

So.... I am done. What little motivation I have left will be for me. And for the 4 Babies who mean so much to me. No one else. Not ward members, not family. SOME Friends who don't consistently make me feel like our friendship is completely based on my efforts and is one sided will be given some of my effort.... but that is a SMALL amount of people!

Torment

Torment by Lauren Kate

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

It was good, but I hate how much time there is in between when each book is released. Very easy to get into, and I liked it :-)

View all my reviews

Can't even talk about it

Which means it's pretty awful! But I can refer you to a few earlier posts that sum it up pretty well. It is possible to BEAT the passion out of someone until they are a shell of themselves.