My Friend.... who's not

I try to be pretty understanding when it comes to my Friends. Especially with someone who has been my friend for many years. The Friendship is usually more important than the little "sleights."
Once in a while, however, a friendship will slip away over time. Once in a really great while, a friendship will suffer collateral damage at a level that there's just not much that can be done. 2 of my REALLY close Friends from High School and I hit a point after we left school where this seemed to be the case. However, after several years, the friendships were restored. One of them was restored because the person became my Sister in law, and the other divorced the jerk that had caused the damage to our friendship in the first place.

Last week, one of my closest Friends of MANY years and I reached a point where we are actually not speaking for the time being.

She is a single Friend. She has a relatively loose approach to relationships, and not to be crass, but her need for sex often overrides her desire to do what's right. She was brought up in the Church (Mormon), and knows what she is "Supposed" to be doing and not doing.

She was my Roommate when David and I first got married. She was my Maid of Honor. She has coma and visited me numerous times when I have lived outside of Utah. She has attended many of our special events, and I count her as a very loyal Friend.

She is Bipolar. Which I understand.... And cut her some slack on. One of her "quirks" is her need for instant gratification. She doesn't use a lot of self control. Now - I understand that self control is something EVERYONE is at varying stages with. I also understand that being bipolar makes impulse control more difficult. However, this is where we run into some trouble.

A little while ago, she began making comments about how if polygamy was ever brought back into practice, she would either have to marry David or the Husband of one of our other good Friends. I laughed this off as "funny." However, as time has passed she has begun to say it more and even act as if she expects this to one day be the case. She frequently goes to movies with the other Husband and his Friends while his wife is at home. And she has been known to message both David and the other Husband regularly. Now with Cody (the other Husband) he sort of initiates it.... and his Wife seems perfectly fine with it. David on the other hand prefers to not have any interaction with her unless I am involved. IE: All 3 of us go out to dinner, I invite her over, or to go out with our whole Family, etc. He never engages in conversation with her just the two of them. Smart, I think.

While we were in Salt Lake for the Holidays, 2 things happened. 1st, I went out with her for some "Girl Time." While we were out, we stopped to see Cody and his Wife who had just had a Baby. While we were talking with them, it came up that Cody could use some "Guy Time." I commented that it would be great if he and David did something together. LeAnna (the Friend I've been speaking of) began making comments along the lines of "The two of you (meaning David and Cody) could come over to my place and we could watch movies." It came up that Sherlock Holmes was playing and that both Husbands were interested in seeing it. LeAnna mentioned that she did not get off of work until 9:30. It was also mentioned that Mandi (Cody's Wife) could use some help, and socialization. So, I said that I would bring Jacob over, and hang out and help Mandi while Cody and David got out and went to a movie.

After we left Cody and Mandi's house, we drove back to My Mom's where she had parked her car since I had driven us. Then, I was going to go to David's Parents house to watch a movie with David. I had called David while LeAnna and I were on our way to Magna to let him know that I was on my way. As we got closer to my Mom's, LeAnna made a comment about following me down to David's Parents.... I didn't understand why until she said that she "Might not be able to stay for the whole movie." I didn't want to be rude, so I just said ok. I prolly should have said something. Fortunately she only stayed through the previews. However, I was taken aback by the fact that when I had planned something with David, she had automatically assumed that she was included. With just a group of Friends or whatever, that wouldn't have been a big deal. But this is My Husband. In my opinion, it's automatically different.

Throughout the next day, several conversations took place between David, myself, and Cody. The Husbands made arrangement to go to a 10:00 pm movie (so that all of Cody and Mandi's children would be in bed making it easier on her) and I would take Jacob and go spend time with Mandi. David was not comfortable with LeAnna going with them and told Cody this. Cody said that since LeAnna had expressed a desire to go, he would let her know what time and where for the movie.... but leave it at that.

Apparently, Cody was nervous about the ability to get tickets unless they bought them online. He asked LeAnna to buy them. She bought 3.... ok, I understand that. I sent her a message and said "If you can get the money back for your ticket, you should just let the guys go to the movie, and you should come spend some time with Mandi and me." No, I didn't say she couldn't go. No, I didn't tell her specifically that I had a problem with her going. Nor did I tell her that David had a problem with it. I didn't see the need to be that specific. She commented back that she could not get the money back for her ticket. I talked to David about this, and he got his younger Brother to come. I let LeAnna know that we had someone to use her ticket. That she should stay with us "Girls" and just let the Guys go to the Movie. She never responded. However, as soon as David, Cody, and Douglas got to the theater, she asked David if I was mad that she was going. He told her that yes, I was upset that she was going because it was supposed to be a "Guys Night" and she was in fact NOT a Guy. She said that she wanted to see the movie. He told her that I had wanted to see the movie too, but because it was a "Guys Night" and Mandi needed some Girl Time, I had stayed back. After the movie was over, she sent me an appology saying that next time she wouldn't go and "Don't be mad."

This is why I am not ok with what she did: First, she doesn't seem to see or respect appropriate boundaries. Now, I think at least in Cody's case, it's not all her fault. I think he even takes advantage of this sometimes. However, David is different. Mandi doesn't mind. But I do.

Second, she KNEW that it was a problem for me that she was going. Or she would not have said something to David about it immediately after he got there. She also would have answered me when I sent the message about Douglas using her ticket. She and I have been Friends long enough that she KNEW I was not ok with it.

Third, she did it anyway, and then asked me to be ok with it. It's the old philosophy that "It's better to ask forgiveness than permission. It was easier to try to make me ok with it AFTER she got to do what she wanted to do than to not go.

Fourth, we go back to the appropriate boundaries. She Doesn't have the "appropriate" level of impulse control that is expected of most adults. This puts David in a potentially inappropriate situation. No, she hasn't tried "anything" as of yet. But if her intentions were "innocent" she would have been ok with me asking her not to go. Plus she seems to blur the line anyway as demonstrated by her coming to watch the movie with us the night before.

Fifth, it shows a complete lack of respect for our Friendship. This isn't a mutual Friend we're talking about. This is my Husband. I don't share my Husband with my Girlfriends. His Friends, or Family members is a completely different story. She knows me well enough to know what kinds of things I am ok with and not. All of my points, 1-5 tie in together. She and I have been Friends long enough, that I know all too well her tendency to act first, worry about consequences later, I also know that she KNEW when I sent her the first message that I was asking her not to go with the guys.... not just suggesting that she hang out with us. She knew I wasn't ok with her going and she didn't care until AFTER her "itch" had been "scratched."