Chalk one up for homeschooling!

So, Jacob may only say about 20 words in English, but he can say "Xièxiè" or "Thank You" In Chinese. (He really can!!!!) How many one year olds can do that ?! ;-)

Ten things I L O V E about him!!! or Have you ever tried to tame a Shrew?

I know this is a bit cliche and even cheesy. But how can I NOT write this?

David is out of town on a job for the FIRST time with Halliburton.

And for the first time, we left on AMAZING terms. We've had occasions where he has left on BAD terms, ok terms, traumatic terms. Never amazing!

And over the past little bit, how wonderful my Husband is has become more and more apparent.

We LIKE eachother more than I think we ever have. And we are more in love than when we eloped 9 years ago.

So, I thought I'd put together a brief list of what he's been doing that has brought us here.

1- I LOVE his love of the arts! We had a very art filled weekend this past week. We went to the zoo, where he insisted on purchasing a piece of art made by an elephant. It's one of a kind, and definitely abstract, and wasn't cheap. But he really wanted it. And I LOVE that he wanted it. Because it shows a love for things outside the box. It fits perfectly in the space above our bed that was waiting for a good piece of art to fill it, and with him gone, I love looking at it there!

2- One leads to two. You see, $50 for a watercolor picture drawn by an elephant wasn't one the top of my list of things to spend our $ on this past weekend. But how could I refuse a man who would do everything he could to get me the moon if I asked. He has found that balance between gifts and service that totally speak my Love Language.

3- Again, 2 leads to 3. His traits just flow into a perfect blend. David is the kind of husband who will take all 4 children off my hands when I need it to show me he loves me. He changes poopy diapers, gets up in the middle of the night with the children, and does the bed time routine on his own every night. He is lightens my load every chance he gets. And NOTHING says "Love" to me like that!

4- Loving me is NOT an easy job. I don't accept mediocre at ALL! Half Ass is not in my vocabulary except as the worst insult possible. I know that sounds harsh, but it's just unacceptable. David has to jump through hoops DAILY to keep me happy. And I let him out of his obligation once. He could have walked away and never looked back. But he not only didn't do that, he pursued me and jump in with both feet once again. This man has been willing to deal with me not ONCE, but twice. And he keeps giving me the BEST gift in the world... he willing supports my desire to bring more children into our Family. We are on our 2nd since the divorce, and I've gotten him to agree to a possible 3rd.

5- He is NOT perfect. And I am not one to accept the "I'm not perfect, I accept this, therefore I will be lenient with myself and not expect too much" mentality. I can accept the fact that mortality is synonymous with imperfection. But I also realize that is no excuse for not doing your best. And David has come SOOOO far and has such a desire to succeed. He isn't perfect, but he TRULY puts the effort and care into his job and family that shows how much he WANTS to do it right!

6- This man gets up every morning, even sometimes with small amounts of sleep, goes to work, gives it his all, and then comes home and helps with children and housework. I could NOT do that. I can handle the 24/7 demands of parenthood. But to work full time also, well, I don't do the no sleep thing. He has had periods of time without a job. And sitting around playing video games was not on his agenda. He worked what ever jobs he could. He took an "ok" job to get the ball rolling, and kept applying till he worked up to a good job that has the promise of providing for his growing family.

7- He supports my need to be a stay at home mom. Through bouts of unemployment, and low paying jobs, David has NEVER asked me to go back to work. He knows that my core belief system tells me that I need to be the one to be home with my children. And with 5, it's not worth it financially to pay for daycare. And he's OK with that. I have not worked one day outside the home since Elizabeth was born that I didn't want to or need to for reasons other than finances.

8- He APPRECIATES what I do for our family. He tells me "Thank You" for being willing to stay at home and take full responsibility for our children vs asking someone else to do it while I pursue a career. You have to understand that I had a career in the making. I was the primary bread winner before Elizabeth was born. I LOVED my military career and gave it up to stay home and raise a family. And he VALUES that.

9- He is a secure, loving, and supportive partner. He doesn't feel threatened by my independence. He doesn't feel threatened by my successes. He backs me up on goals and ambitions. When I want to go out, and I get dolled up for it, he doesn't assume that I am going to cheat on him. He likes that looking good makes me feel good about myself.

10- He likes me and accepts me just the way I am. 200 lbs or 130 lbs HONESTLY doesn't matter to him. Which is so nice because it means that we can enjoy good food together, and he still makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Which boosts MY desire to be in good shape and look good for him.

As I write this, I realize that this is just the TIP of the ice burg that is a HUGE list of things I LOVE about my Husband. I just hope he knows what an amazing catch her truly is, and I would be the luckiest girl EVER to keep him for good!

My Hubby... My Baby's Daddy

Sooooo, I'm sorry but I need to be blunt and just get this off my chest once and for all:

Disclaimer *I GET that this only applies to some, so if you KNOW it doesn't apply to your situation, DISREGARD. Unfortunately that means some of you who may need to hear this, may disregard it. But it is what it is*

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE HUSBAND IS A COMPLETE IDIOT,DON'T PUNISH ME BECAUSE MINE ISN'T. ALL THOUGH I AM INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL FOR THIS, IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT MINE COMES HOME TO ME AND I AM HIS ONLY FOCUS (ALONG WITH OUR FAMILY) AND HE IS NOT A COMPLETE CHAUVINIST!!!!

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When it came to pregnancy, I always wanted to know how things were for other people. How much weight were they gaining, what their bellies looked like, when they went into labor. So, of course, I wanted to know when people felt the baby kick.
When I thought of my baby in there, I always imagined a little thing, just walking around on the walls of my uterus. Yes, I know it sounds silly. I get it. But? That’s what I thought. A mall-walking fetus.
Trying to explain to someone what those first few kicks are like is trying to explain a sneeze. You see it in your mind. You can almost feel it, but you can’t put it to words.
A girl I knew had described the feeling as “butterflies in her belly.” I went weeks waiting for the butterfly feeling. It never came. Then I started waiting for big kicks. They didn’t come either.
Even better, it is more like trying to describe a fart, since that is the portion of your body that is all wonky, anyways. Go ahead. Describe one. I’ll wait.
Finally, I caught on and put the television remote on my belly. When it started to bounce, I knew it was the baby. Even though I couldn’t feel my baby, I could see that she was kicking.
The best part about when the baby started to kick meant that we had “Interactive Fetus!” Interactive Fetus was a lot of fun. You could blow on your belly and make her jump. If you pressed enough, she’d start to kick.
And sometimes, if her Daddy stuck his face next to the belly and talked long enough, she’d kick him in the face.

A worried woman went to her gynecologist and said:

'Doctor, I have a serious problem and desperately need your help! My baby is not even 1 year old and I'm pregnant again. I don't want kids so close together.

So the doctor said: 'Ok and what do you want me to do?'

She said: 'I want you to end my pregnancy, and I'm counting on your help with this.'

The doctor thought for a little, and after some silence he said to the lady: 'I think I have a better solution for your problem. It's less dangerous for you too.'

She smiled, thinking that the doctor was going to accept her request.

Then he continued: 'You see, in order for you not to have to take care 2 babies at the same time, let's kill the one in your arms. This way, you could rest some before the other one is born. If we're going to kill one of them, it doesn't matter which one it is. There would be no risk for your body if you chose the one in your arms.

The lady was horrified and said: 'No doctor! How terrible! It's a crime to kill a child!

'I agree', the doctor replied. 'But you seemed to be OK with it, so I thought maybe that was the best solution.'

The doctor smiled, realizing that he had made his point.

He convinced the mom that there is no difference in killing a child that's already been born and one that's still in the womb.

The crime is the same!

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"Love says I sacrifice myself for the good of the other person. Abortion says I sacrifice the other person for the good of myself..."

Jesus sacrificed Himself for the good of sinners! That's perfect love!

-unkown

Dear God, I come to you as humbly as I know how. I confess my sins, those known and unknown. Lord you know I am not perfect and I fall short everyday of my life, but I want to take time out to say Thank You for your mercy. Thank You for my health, my family and my friends, the roof over my head, food on my table, and everything I have.

Selfish

I'm sorry to say that I gain a little bit of selfish pleasure from being imperfect.... maybe it means I can stay here longer. I hate the thought that I could not be here anymore to take care of my Little Ones. The job I do is inadequate most of the time, but I try every day to be better at it, and fill their needs more fully. And I truly believe I am the best person to meet their needs.

I'm sorry, but NO ONE can love them the way I do. There is a love that backs every word, every interaction.... even when I am angry with them.

I love them in tears, I love them in smiles, I love them when I yell, I love them when I laugh. I love them in cookies. I love them in vitamins. I love them in discipline, I love them in scoldings. I love them in parties. I love them in church. I love them in hikes, and walks. I love them in Dance Class. I love them in a schedule. I love them in hugs. I love them in letting them come into bed with me in the mornings when Daddy leaves for work. I love them in a messy house. I love them in clean clothes. I love them in going out to dinner. I love them in going to movies.

I love them with every thought, and every breath I have in me. And for this reason, I selfishly am grateful to not be perfect enough that God needs me there ;-)

Names

My Children come with their names, I just have to listen until I hear what it is, and then put it on paper. Glad this one let me know ;-) I HATE going much farther into this trying to figure it out!

If you ever wonder about what time in the pregnancy the Spirit is indisputably present, I'd say this is about that time. I've never been more than 25 weeks in before the name was obvious.

Blessings

I have so much to be grateful for. I am so grateful for God's Power on Earth, also known as the Priesthood.

Something that has been AMAZING the past few weeks is that I have seen INSTANT results... which with even the things I've gotten that I need and have asked for, until just barely, I don't think they've EVER come so quickly.

Today's example: I was cramping this morning. BAD!!!! I was honestly worried about delivering a MAY baby. And being 19 weeks, that is SCARY!!!!

David gave me a blessing. And within 15 min, I got this one REALLY bad cramp that made me cry out, and then it was done, and I felt COMPLETELY fine. Like nothing had been wrong at ALL!!!!! It was truly faith empowering!!!

Twilight Zone at the Dr's Office

Today I experienced that rare but TERRIFYING period of time where the Dr., despite every angle and effort just COULD NOT find a heart beat with the Doppler.

I'm laying there, and she's searching, and it's just not happening. And I start thinking about my blasted excess of belly that is residual from past pregnancies, and getting overweight. And then, the realization hits that she's not finding ANYTHING, and isn't going to.

This is only my 2nd appointment since I was 14 weeks before I went the first time. And because I was so far along, she just skipped the Doppler and went straight to the ultra sound so that she could assess the pregnancy and confirm a due date.

So I didn't hear the heart beat then either. Which is fine, knowing that the baby has been visually confirmed to be fine. But it's so DIFFERENT not having HEARD that familiar sound. Which just added to the ethereal ness of the whole thing. And made my mind catch just a bit on what was happening.

And then, she rushed me to the next room to do the ultra sound this time, and it was a waiting game.... and then, MOVEMENT. And then, a confirmed heart beat. And before panic had really registered and sunk in, sheer RELIEF. But still, NO SOUND.

The placenta it seems is right up against my belly which means feeling movement might be scarse this round.... as well as the fact that I may not be HEARING anything at my checkups. Monthly ultra sounds MIGHT have to be the norm.... which comes with it's OWN set of worries. SIGH.

I think the thing that was really poignant was the fact that this isn't my 1st or even 2nd. This is my FIFTH time doing this, and this is the first time I've ever had that moment where everything wasn't textbook! And there's that expectation from routine that tells you: You're going in, You're laying down, YUP! There's that familiar wand, and there's the...... WHAT?! Wait a minute...

But now the knowledge that everything is fine. WHEW!

If you don't feel "good enough"

I'm sorry to say this, but sadly it's true, that bang ups and hang ups CAN happen to you....

I have a Friend, who yes, used to be a Boyfriend. Who told me the day we OFFICIALLY broke up for GOOD that I had a way of always making him feel inadequate. At the time, I felt awful about this. I apologized profusely and was heart broken that my mistakes in how I "treated" him was costing me him forever.

12 years later, I have that thought running through my head. In the past 12 years, I have been through good times and bad. Relationships that ended in breakups and even divorce. And I've heard from more than just him that I am demanding and make my significant other often feel like no matter what they do, they just aren't.... and never will be, good enough.

And I feel bad, and I struggle to change how I treat people.

And then, after this weekend, I really have come to believe that it MAY not be me that is the problem.

This ex boyfriend is someone we have done things with as couples over the years. And I have been in contact with him in the last 6 months. And he has said to me "Keep inviting me to things, I can't make it this time, but I will make it one of these times."

So, I do what I do and I keep inviting him. And now, he just doesn't bother responding at all. Even to a direct "Will you be there?" And I CAN'T count on him even as just a Friend. Even when I have made an ENORMOUS amount of effort at personal cost to be there for his family during hard times.

And I am thinking that being with him permanently would have been AMAZINGLY frustrating! And there would have been no relief from it..... EVER. Because he has never really made an effort to rise to a higher level unless it catches his interest. And while that's great, I believe the makings of a truly great person is the ability to rise to a higher level on not only the things you like, but also the things you don't necessarily find interesting.

And I watch my Wonderful Husband, who HAS risen to a higher level in so many ways. And I think that those who complain that they are made to feel inadequate have their own internal issues that make them feel that way.

Throughout my life, I have had people who have been constantly on top of me pushing me and telling me to do better when I felt I was doing my best and that their constant unappreciative way of not acknowledging my efforts was so unfair. Until I looked deeper into their motives, and pushed myself to meet THEIR expectations of my best and not settle for my own. And I cannot tell you what that has done for my self esteem and what I have accomplished.

I am not a quitter. I do not know HOW to quit. Because no one ever let me. And it doesn't matter what someone says to me, I am able to work through it without taking a permanent hit to my healthy way of looking at myself and life.

So, I'm sorry, but if you feel inadequate, there is prolly a very good chance that YOU need to change something. Maybe deep down you KNOW you're not giving your all in some aspect. Because if you are doing EVERYTHING you can to maximize the results you get, then you have NO reason, not matter what ANYONE says, to feel "Not Good Enough."

I'm gonna keep saying what it is I have to say

I think this has been proven at this point.

I have been criticized for what I write. It isn't cookie cutter. I couldn't care less.

As I said in my last post, I blog for so many different reasons. And none of them have to do with anyone but me. I don't blog for popularity. I don't blog to make a scene. I blog to get things out of my head and in "storage" so that I can use my head for other things, and pull from past lessons, feeling, experiences when I need to.

That said:

I want to talk about things that shouldn't bother me today, but do.

Most of you have seen or heard reference made to the "Blog War"

I'm really frustrated at the set up that I feel was involved in that.

My Ex boyfriend used his personal thoughts on things and his desire to control the people involved and tampered with the key players to bring on this situation that caused more hurt for ME than anyone else.

That's what he's always done. He has manipulated me since we were 16. And unfortunately he's GREAT at what he does. He is the kind of manipulator who can convince you that YOU are crazy and he's innocent.

October was the first time in 16 years that I have cut off contact with him.

But it will always fascinate me that David and his ex wife are the only people who already knew what I didn't figure out till this past fall.

Blogging

I blog to heal. I blog so I don't BURST. I blog for sanity. I blog for learning and teaching purposes.

I watch so many Friends go through things I have already had to work through.

I watch as Friends are toyed with, rejected, cheated on....

I watch as Friends loose babies, spouses, siblings, parents, grandparents, fiancées, girlfriends, boyfriends.

And 90% of the time I have been through something VERY similar.

And I feel for them. And I understand exactly what it feels like to need to work through foreign, and sometimes all to familiar emotions. And that's why I blog. To work through all of that.

And I am soooo grateful when I am no longer the person in that situation. When they become feelings that I have worked through, rather than feelings I am working through.

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I made the mistake during my first pregnancy of trying to guess how many “months along” I was. It seems simple, right? Nine months in a pregnancy.
But not everyone thinks that way. Some say ten. Some say nine. Some, like me, say too many.
Go to any pregnancy website or message board and there will be twenty women with twenty different responses to how far along you are.
You are four months, no wait, five. Well, actually, four and a half, unless you’re going by the Ancient Mayan Calendar, which then, you’re really in your fifth year. Also, it turns out that you’re carrying an elephant. Congrats!
The problem lies in the fact that not every month is four weeks long. Some people, like me, don’t really care about that fact and just “round up” to the next month along once you hit four weeks.
Then there are the people like my husband that always reminded me that I wasn’t as far along as I thought.
Would you really tell someone that is running a marathon “Hey. I know you thought you were at mile 20, but it’s really mile 16. There’s a discrepancy in the counting system. Anyway, it all evens up at the end. Oh, and by the way, watch that hill on the last mile. It’s a killer!”

Rule the World

This song makes me think of My Girls... Especially the ones with the Royal names ;-)

You light, the skies up above me
A star, so bright you blind me
Don't close your eyes
Don't fade away
Don't fade away

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

If walls, break down, I will come for you
If angels cry, oh I'll be there for you
You've saved my soul
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.


All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you,

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you

It's just one of those days!!!

I want to stay in bed. I want to have someone push a button on my yet to be hooked up Keurig and brew me some warm hot chocolate, with juicy muffins.

And though this won't happen, and I am NOT wanting to be awake, or out of bed, I am sooooo blessed to have the children I have! They are so independent in their own little ways. They need the little things here and there, but with the older girls pretty self sufficient and the new apartment set up so that they can access certain things, my children fed themselves breakfast while I fought with pulling the warm covers off and joining them :D

Elysia got Jacob a package of muffins, then Elizabeth got him out of bed for me. Then they all colored for a bit while I reconciled what I wanted to do with the reality of needing to be up and moving without my warm cup of daily chocolate.

SO, while I STILL would rather be tucked into my nice warm bed, I am so pleased with what I have to get up to!

Is it Greek to you? Can you tell what I have to say?

Θα ακολουθήσει ποτέ το δρόμο, εγώ που πάντα ο τρόπος. Δεν κάνω αυτό που σκέφτονται οι άνθρωποι που έχω να, να κάνω ό, τι θέλω να κάνω. Γεννήθηκα ως δημιουργός, δεν είναι οπαδός.
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Ik heb nooit het pad volgen, heb ik altijd de weg. Ik weet niet wat mensen denken dat ik moet, ik doe wat ik wil doen. Ik werd geboren als een schepper, geen volger.
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Liom riamh an cosán, leag mé i gcónaí ar an mbealach. Níl a fhios agam cad a cheapann daoine go bhfuil mé leis, is féidir liom cuma cad ba mhaith liom a dhéanamh. Rugadh mé mar cruthaitheoir nach, a follower.
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Ich habe nie den Weg, finde ich immer den Weg. Ich weiß nicht, was die Leute denken ich, ich, was ich tun will. Ich wurde als Schöpfer, nicht ein Nachfolger geboren.
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Non ho mai seguite il percorso, ho sempre impostato la strada. Io non faccio quello che la gente pensa che devo, faccio quello che voglio fare. Sono nato come un creatore, non un seguace.
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Je n'ai jamais suivi le chemin, j'ai toujours mis la manière. Je ne fais pas ce que les gens pense que je dois, je fais ce que je veux faire. Je suis né en tant que créateur, pas un suiveur.

More "Baby" Humor

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For a month before the “gender ultrasound,” I could tell you exactly the amount of time before we’d find out about the thing growing in my belly.
“Two weeks, three days, one hour and 10 minutes until I know for sure,” I’d say. “I can’t wait.”
Really, I couldn’t. I had dreams about the baby being a boy and then the next night, a girl. The gender ultrasound was all I could think about. I’d call friends up just to guess what “type of baby I was having.”
The way I discussed it, you’d think I was going to The Gap to buy a sweater. “Hmm, is it a boy type or girl type? Do you think these come in size medium?”
The day of the ultrasound was like every Christmas, birthday and wedding day piled into one. It was ultrasound day! The baby! What “type” of baby was I having?
I ran into the ultrasound room, plopped onto the table and said “All I care about is knowing if it is a boy or girl. Let’s get this party started.”
The ultrasound tech, at this point, got a little testy with me. “Don’t you even care if the baby is healthy?”
“Of course I care. Right after I find out the gender.”

I had a Dream

I dream. I am a dreamer. In many senses of the word.

And last night I had a dream that I would be reckless to forget.

It was terrifyingly real, and had so much detail that I could not have come up with, even with a really good subconscious. So, I deem it something worth paying attention to.


We were suddenly preparing for a possible nuclear attack. Actually, I don't think IF it was coming was a question. The immediate danger was palpably sensed. Not, "Do we need to worry?" but "what precautions need to be taken and how long do we have?"

And I realized as I took precautions with my food and water that I didn't have adequate supplies for hygienic purposes, and needed to run to the store. But alas, there was no time. As I locked the final cupboards to protect what I could, I asked David "How long do you think?"

And an actual Bomb hit the ground in a local area close enough that I KNEW it had hit.

When I woke up, I was grateful to know that it was a dream and not immediate reality. And also I was grateful for the detail that gives me a chance to be prepared in case this world does in deed come to this.