Sometimes the best way to get rid of crazy is to understand it

Obviously this does not apply to SOME people ;-) But it does to me. My crazy is a defense. It's my "I did it the way I was "expected to" and hated the results. So, now I do it MY way and even if I don't get any better of results, at least I don't feel like I gave up myself for nothing." defense. I figure that if I can't win, I might as well do it the way that leaves me feeling like I didn't just get screwed out of EVERYTHING!

I didn't used to be that way. But it's like Laura once said I am OCD, but not clinically. I can CHOOSE to be or not. And if I'm used to getting screwed by a person or situation, I am extra OCD around them.

David has days where he really works with my crazy, and I try to make sure he's rewarded. And when people WORK with my crazy rather than try to change me, I relax and don't need the crazy anymore.

A Word On Attraction

A study revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. If she is menstruating, pregnant or menopausal, she is more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected... Hahahahaha!

All I ever need to know, I learned on HOUSE

Mondays episode of house was enlightening combined with the night David and I had Tues.

I realized something very important:

Fights, arguments, disagreements, not always being happy with eachother is part of LIFE. It just is. That's part of what loving someone is all about. You see, a lot of arguments are misunderstandings that occur when someone in the relationship is trying to meet a need in their partner, but not quite getting it. But that's the key: They are trying. Both partners may be trying, and just not getting it. And sometimes a fight occurs. But again: They are BOTH trying. And I am learning that is exactly what matters. Not that every itch each person has gets scratched every time. Not that the person adequately meets EVERY need. But that they love you enough to have making an effort as a constant thought. That they give up comforts for your comfort. And you in return reciprocate the effort. If you are with someone who doesn't even try, it's a totally different story.

But there are very few "unforgivable" sins in a marriage. Cheating is definitely on the list. As well as REAL abuse of ANY family member. But misunderstandings are not and should not be the grounds for not being able to work it out. Because you can both take time to "cool off" and come back and simply be done.

Realizations after My World Ended

Satan must HATE me. SERIOUSLY. I am not even close to perfect. But I do not know how to give up. I am programmed to my core to keep going no matter what. I may stumble, breakdown, slow down, but to the very depths of who I am, I don't know how to not keep going. I get lost. I trip. I get bumps and bruises. But I always find my way back, get up, brush myself off, and "Just keep swimming."

And here's the thing: it's because it is the one thing that always pays off. I have so much success with this way of doing things. (no not the falling, etc. but the getting up and trying)

Because of this, I have to admit, I have a very low tolerance or patience with quitters. Because I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WANTING TO GIVE UP. But if I can keep going, and continue making my own destiny rather than accepting defeat....

I will say this though: I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND feeling hopeless, unloved, worthless, and all of those other emotions. And here's what I have to say: That's why God gave us chocolate doughnuts and sunshine! Best medicine EVER!!! :-)

I don't love him anymore

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE. I almost WISH I didn't. I hate him right now, but I'll be DAMNED if I ever give up Fighting for what we don't have ;-) I've never felt so unlovable, and to top it off, he was able to tell me exactly why I am. Nothing like being told you really are.


I don't think people realize how strong I really am. The fact is, it sucks, but "I
breathe in I breathe out Put one foot in front of the other Take one day at a time 'Til you find I'm that someone you can't live without Until then I breathe in and breathe out."

I realized tonight that I have a good, healthy self esteem. No matter how crappy I feel, I still try to make sure others feel good about themselves. That, I realized IS the difference between a good self esteem, and a bad one: Someone with a poor self esteem will knock people down when they feel bad about themselves. Someone with a good self esteem continues to try to contribute positively.

The worst thing is that he is sooo blind to how much I do to show him that I love him.

It pays off

All of my days and nights, weeks, months and years of battling with the Law, David, stress, people who don't understand, etc has it's perks believe it or not!

It's finally come to a point where I can look at people (David comes to mind ;-) and say "I've done it, so can you."

This morning, David and I were talking about our new schedule, and he was getting kind of crabby. I looked at him and said "You don't put up with my crankiness, I will not put up with yours. We're both tired, but your being rude and unsupportive. Knock it off."

Now, I don't really want to be like that on a normal basis. But once in a while, it sure feels good to actually have some ground to say it!

Scheduling

We, as a Family, by nature resist a schedule. We don't like having to be somewhere at a set time on a regular basis. We do well with routine, but not schedules.

But David has been home almost every day for 8 months, and we aren't a whole lot closer to having our limited space organized and fully functional than we were last summer. Of course, part of this is due to the fact that we just don't have enough room for the 6 of us and our stuff. But it also has to do with a lot of different things too.

SO, I am putting us on a schedule. It will allow for outdoor time EVERY day. As well as playgroup, etc. The only thing it will not allow for is my HORRIBLE choices in sleep hours.

Let's see how this goes :-)

I've made up my mind

I have never done the diet thing well. I do what I want. And after Abby was born, this worked fine. I walked EVERYWHERE. And the summer that David and I were divorced, was pretty happy with my body. And after Jacob was born, I was down 2 sizes. Now, I'm up almost 3 from then.

And I have always rolled my eyes at obesity. Saying that if I ever got to a weight where I was comparable to when I'm pregnant, I would lose the weight. Well, this winter has seen me at pregnancy weight. SO, I'm done. I have approx 13 weeks until Jacob's 1st Birthday. And at 3 lbs a week, that's a possible 40 lbs. I could lose.

So, I am off soda. And no matter how much I excuse it, I am walking EVERY day for at least 1/2 hour. I am going to try the Couch to 5K program I have recently heard about which is a 9 week program to get a person from not running at all to running the equivalent of 30 min straight.

Wish me luck.

Learning the Lesson

I am incredibly happy to report that today went completely opposite of last Sunday! We had a realitively painless journey from church to getting everyone settled at home afterwards. Followed by some Chinese Food, and movie watching/naps, then some dinner, bed for The Girls, and more movie watching! NO Police ;-) No arguing, no yuckiness (well, minus a little from Elysia, but that's just life with kids ;-)

I'd like to think I'm learning, and making better choices daily.

I was also happy when Saturday, after a TON of poopy diapers at Ginger's, I packed an extra pair of pants for Abby, so that I only had to borrow a shirt from Nicole.

So, here's to progress.

?????

So I have heard at least a handful of people I consider Friends comment about how they wish they had more Friends, closer Friends, etc. Say how they feel left out, like nobody accepts them for who they are, and so on. Like all of their Friends have moved on and left them behind.

And the thing I don't understand, is that I have mentioned to all of them that I think they're great, care about them etc. And yet the message I get when I either get NO reaction or a dismissive one is that I am not the person they want to make them feel cared about.

They want more, closer, appreciative Friends. But not Me. Ok. I guess. Not that I think I'm something special, but it's there loss.

I am loyal, caring, supportive, appreciative, take into consideration others' feelings, enjoy helping others feel good about themselves......

And yet, I guess I just mis the mark on someone that people want to be that kind of Friend. They want the people who EVERYONE else wants too. They want a trophy. They want the "popular" choice. Ok.

But then for Heaven's sake, don't complain about being lonely, unappreciated, misunderstood, not having any reliable close Friends, etc. It's like when My Children complain that they're hungry. Ok, "Here is some food." "No, I don't want that." Well, sorry, don't complain that you're hungry ;-)

I am grateful for the people I have in my life. The wonderful supportive Friends who come from all walks of life, and not always are what I expected to find when I went looking for Friends.

Another thing I am realitively, albeit pleasantly surprised by is the lack of LDS Friends I have here. I have a lot of fun with the Mom's I've met through Playgroup (and on Myspace ;-) I just don't really connect with the LDS Moms here. And boy am I grateful that I am not chasing the people who just aren't near as much fun as the ones I have been fortunate enough to call My Friends.

I hate my past

Some days, I truly and genuinely HATE my past and some of the people associated with it.

I feel a lot lately like an outsider to a life I worked so hard at. I LOVED School. I LOVED My Friends and the experiences I had.

But it's like watching a life that I created, choreographed, orchestrated continue to play without me. I have a really hard time watching a group of Friends that I brought together, continue to be close, while I watch.... outside.

Not to sound snotty, but at least 5 of my closest Friends MARRIED guys that I introduced them to. And 4 out of the 5 were MY EX Boyfriends.

And Person "x" who I met and introduced to person "y" still hangs out with person "y" and they barely remember I exist. (Sorry, I think this kind of is a spin off from Kim and Ginger's recent posts ;-) And it SUCKS!

It kind of comes back to my need to either completely remove myself or completely immerse myself in the Utah "Life." I can't be in AND out of Utah. And it's hard because My Family, and David's Family are in Utah. And it's not like I can remove myself completely from everything in Utah without our relationship, which is better than ever being affected drastically. So now what?

I guess I keep praying that David gets this job in Anchorage, and we get to move to Tooele. :-)

Understanding = Normalcy

For YEARS David and I have fought about the way I do things. Sorry but I have a preference about how to do just about EVERYTHING that has an impact on me. And as I've eluded to on several occasions, I don't think people often know what to do with someone like that. David likes this about me, but struggles with the "novelty" of it.

I have tried INCREDIBLY hard to sort out my preferences by "healthy," and "non healthy" to establish a safe, comfortable routine and environment for us as a Family. It's not perfect, but in many ways it seems to provide stability, and security. Especially when things explode around here as they are known to do.

One of the OLDEST and most "agreed upon" by David and myself is that when we get home for the night, EVERYONE gets a bath before going to bed. Right or wrong, it has held steady through 3 Children.

There WAS actually a time when this wasn't the way it was done. There WAS a time when Elizabeth (12-15 months old) and I would be out late, and I would bring her home asleep, and tuck her right into her crib. That was a simpler time. And maybe a time that should have been explored more vs rushed away (David and I were separated, and I was pregnant with Elysia. If I had taken more time then to figure myself out before getting back with David.... who knows) Anyway....

Since Elysia was born, I'm pretty sure, this is how we've done it. So by the time Abby came along, the Girls just dealt with some very late night baths.

David has really never complained about THIS particular ritual. And even Jared went with it pretty well. The Girls have grown accustomed to the routine. And even Jacob was right on track to adjust to it.

And then, tonight, we got home close to 2 am. And after a GREAT afternoon/evening of swimming with the Geddies, and Dinner/movie with the Wallaces, our 4 SLEEPING Babies just didn't seem to need a bath. So, we brought them in, changed their clothes, I wiped off their feet and hands, and into bed they went. Elysia was the one I timed, and I had her in the house, changed, and in bed in 4 minutes. (Jacob is still in his car seat.) This seems like a lot of hassle still I know. But understand that this was in place of a routine that NEVER gets deviated from. This is HUGE around here :-)!!!!!!!

The thing is, that the less David fights me on something, the easier it is for me to feel it out and actually decide whether it's worth it or not. And to let go of something because I choose to rather than because I'm harassed until I do means a more healthy and permanent change when I DO change it. Forcing me to change, guarantees resistance, and often resentment, and only temporary results. It's like a crash diet.

So YAY for variation and 4... well, 5 including David, peacefully sleeping Babies (not David ;-)

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????

I have a Friend. HAHAHAHA! So many joke options there. Anyway, one of my oldest Friends. We've been Friends since I was 15.

A month or so ago, he asked a question on FB. I answered with an intellectual statement that he in his limited experience in life couldn't understand. He sent me a text message asking if I was no longer LDS. I Balked at this. He was one of the FEW who knew about Jared, and how HARD I had to fight to retain my membership in the Church. And then to ask if I was no longer a member! I told him that he may want to be careful about that kind of assumption simply based on me being educated in things that he didn't quite understand (layman's terms: I knew more about a topic than he did.) In a nutshell, he apologized, I said I understood, his Wife told me to lighten up, David told HER that her husband was a jerk, and I lost BOTH of them as Friends.)

Tonight, he sent an email to David. Subject: "I was told this was David Rose's email." It was a PISS POOR excuse for an apology, and it was to DAVID. WTF!!!!!!! He didn't hurt DAVID. He didn't spit on a 16+ year friendship with DAVID.

And, well, I happened to read it first. While David was in the shower. So, with David's "blessing" this was the reply Jake got:



This is Candace, and I have to say that if you're REALLY sorry, then you don't treat Friends of 16 years the way you did me. I HATE BOYS! You and Jared BOTH apologized to David when it was ME you hurt. I, not David have been your Friend through thick and thin. David has never cared much for you, but tolerated our Friendship for MY sake. Jodi was out of line. And David defended me. And you just plain blocked me and removed me from your life when I didn't say or do ANYTHING. I said you offended me, you said sorry, I said I understood and never said another thing. It was Jodi and David who "went at it."

You know how to contact us if you want to make a REAL apology. Your apology means NOTHING until you face up to how disrespectful you were to someone who did nothing to you. But I don't think you are REALLY sorry. You RAN because you're just like Jared. A SCARED Little Boy who doesn't know ANYTHING about REAL LIFE. And can't handle when someone who values your Friendship tries to expand your horizon. You live in a "safe" Little Bubble in Utah, and as the Second Coming of Our Savior draws closer, you are in for a HARSH awakening. If you are willing to learn something, let someone who has lived a little more in the REAL WORLD share what they know, here http://www.c4pres2024.blogspot.com is my blog address.

How exactly were you "TOLD this is David Rose's Email?" You had better not be using His Family or His/My Friends to find out information about either of us. AGAIN, You KNOW how to contact us. I'm ON FACEBOOK.

You hide behind a Way of Life that you don't understand. Behind a Sacrifice that you don't understand. Don't preach to me about the GOSPEL. YOU KNOW NOTHING of what the Gospel is REALLY about. You know NOTHING about Christendom, or being a TRUE Christian. You name ONE person Jesus condemned and would not be Friends with? ONE. You can't because HE accepted EVERYONE. Especially those who would stand by him when he had so many that didn't understand Him. I was a LOYAL Friend. Who cared about you and your Family for YEARS. And you SPAT on that. You opened up subjects and topics you didn't understand and couldn't handle it when someone responded who actually KNEW something about the topic. Yes, I AM a Know it All..... because I have LIVED. I have experienced things you can't IMAGINE. I have had to learn for myself what the Atonement means. I have had to learn for myself what it is like to be driven from my home by people who didn't understand those who aren't exactly like them. I have been falsely jailed. I have been abused. I have been a Single Parent. I have been a Soldier. I have been the Wife of a Soldier who was deployed for a REAL LIVE WAR. I have had to fight a corrupt system for My Family's right to live our Faith. I have had to face people.... Men, bigger and stronger than me and who could not understand ANYTHING beyond what THEY had experienced.... and my ability to LIVE peacefully and without fear has literally been at stake. You may think I am exaggerating, but that is exactly your problem! You should be GRATEFUL to have a Friend like me. And instead you insulted me, and RAN AWAY!

Let me say ONE more thing: When push comes to shove, people like you WILL run. Your "courage" will fail, and you will flee. And you are LUCKY that you have a Wife who is strong enough to survive with a PANSY like you around. SHE will have to be strong when things get tough. (And that's one thing I just don't understand: I have always defended and backed Jodi up. NEVER been unkind to her. Always understood where she was coming from. ALWAYS said you needed to treat her better. And then SHE attacks ME. Well, at least ONE of you has a pair.)

Candace Rose


And of course, this blog being ALL ABOUT ME and what I have an opinion about....I AM RIGHT, and what I say is the way it is ;-)

Dinners

We had a family from our ward come to our house for dinner and to play some games tonight. It was soooo refreshing. First of all, Timothy (the 5 year old who came) is one of the FEW children who aren't ours that we truly enjoy. (In all honesty, the Wallace Children, and Chase are also on that list.) But he is also a Boy, and well, we are just now getting used to exactly what that entails. However, Timothy is truly a delight.

And then Greg and Rebecca, his parents are also so refreshing to have around. They moved into our ward right after David lost his job which was also right after Greg lost his. So we had that in common. Greg has also been in the Air Force, and is the one who got David in touch with the people who have gotten him this interview in Alaska.

Anyway, after dinner and some Beatles Rock Band, they had to leave. Timothy was not happy to go. They are leaving for Disneyland tomorrow, and I told Timothy to "Go to Disneyland, and then come back here and see us." He took his Mom's face in his hands and said, "Mom, I want to go to Disneyland, and then come back to the Roses." SOOOOO cute!

Where I actually want to go with this is that I am a very social person. I love my Family more than life, but I don't truly excel unless I have the opportunities to be social regularly. Fortunately despite all the other things I may complain about, David seems to get this.... and usually support this about me.

I LOVE to entertain. And tonight was actually one of the most successful dinners we've had. The house was clean and organized, and dinner was quick and cleaned up in time to hang out and play Rock Band for a bit.

It left me feeling accomplished, and like I had some party still in me, rather than exhausted and all partied out.

And I think it was ALL how preparing for dinner went. Dinner was actually ready on time, I got the house cleaner than usual, and I didn't feel rushed like I normally do because of my inability to be prepared instead of running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.

This is oddly enough a multi layered topic. You see, as we have been looking for a job for David, and looking into where we may move, I go through phases where I feel very clingy to what I'm familiar with (people and places) and want to go back to Utah. Or sometimes, I decide I want to stay here. But I'm finding myself braking off from what I have clung to in the past. Whether we stay here, go back to Utah, or start all over again in Alaska, I have become realitively independent of the ties I used to have.

I enjoy having my OWN life. I really have some GREAT Friends here that I am so glad to have in my life. And oddly enough, I think I am MORE likely to keep THOSE Friendships than worry too much about the ones from earlier years. Also, the people who I have reconnected with from earlier years.... who weren't a main part of my life for a while, seem to be really viable parts of my life now.

I am so much more than I have portrayed myself as the past decade or so. Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I don't actually know a lot of people who can
successfully handle 4 children. I know a handful of people who can. But especially considering all of the CRAP David and I have been through, well, I think I do alright. ;-) I am my own person, and I have a lot to offer. And the drama and politics that are sometimes involved in old Friendships are not always conducive to what I want to accomplish.

So, I pray that very soon, David will find a good job, and we will be able to move somewhere that will provide me with the resources I need to truly apply the depth of who I am. :-)

Friendship and the abuses that it entails

I became Friends AGAIN with a person I am Friends with one month and the next not.

And LITERALLY within HOURS, the Drama I had been blissfully without, was back. I realized then, that I had taken for granted the limited drama in my life. Forgotten how much drama was NORMAL when Friends with certain people. And it made me literally sick to my stomach.

I CANNOT figure out those who seek it out. It finds me so naturally in my life that the LAST thing I need is to actually ASK for it.

With David's outbursts, and how much a fight like the one we had Sunday disrupts our lives, not to mention the habit I have of randomly going to jail, combined with FOUR Children (on a good day, 5 or 6 on a bad day), I have enough DRAMA to last me several lifetimes.

So the concept that people seem to FEED off of extra fascinates me.

"Our" House

Sooooo. Here it is the middle of April. David has been booked to fly to Anchorage Alaska on May 10th for 3 days.

According to the source he has been working with to procure this job, because Salt Lake International Airport is one of the best airports for flying to and from Anchorage, we Would be allowed to live in the Salt Lake Area. And after doing my research, it appears that "Our" house (813 E 420 So) in Tooele is still available for purchase!

Can you say "PMS"?

I have been in a mood today! Poor David. And I'm whiny and mopey (in my head. I've been wise enough to keep it to myself.) I've felt left out and like I just want to eat anything and everything. YUP! Must be PMS! Luckily, some of us from Playgroup are getting together tomorrow and going to see YUMMY Gerard Butler and have some Chinese Food (thanks to a very thoughtful Gift, I am able to go along! Thank you! (you know who you are ;-)

Meanwhile, the weather is GORGEOUS, we made it to Playgroup this morning, and the company David is hoping to be hired by is booking his plane ticket to Anchorage between now and Monday. Fingers crossed on this one!!!!! xx

On a WAY superior note, yesterday was one of those days where David was showing ALL the signs of a storm brewing. I told him that I KNEW that the way he was acting toward me only meant one thing, and that I am SICK of dealing with the outbursts that are easily predictable once he starts acting a certain way.

Well, something he has NEVER managed to do before and did SUPERBLY this time, was pull COMPLETELY out of it! SO in stead of a battle last night, we had some very much needed couple time. YAY!

Something's in the air?

I'm majorly jittery tonight.... this morning!

It's like I'm trying to put my finger on something that I know is there, but can't quite do it.

There's just something about this time of day for me. Hmmmmmm.....

Being True to Yourself

What does this really mean? Well, one thing I am starting to think it means is being true to all of the facets of who you are. But not necessarily if that means multiple personalities. I believe that to be a contradiction. There is a Family in our ward, and they seem nice enough. We even seemed to hit it off at first and be sort of Friends with them.

The Husband, Josh is the one who got David the "Spot Job" that introduced him to Anna... the Lady with the Company in Libya.

As Josh and David were both working for Anna the couple of days she needed them, David showed her what a hard worker he is, and how good he is at managing tasks as well as workers.

She brought up the job in Libya, and David jumped on it, while Josh wasn't so impressive. (Yes, of course I'm biased, but that doesn't change the facts ;-)

A month or so later, we ran into this couple, and began talking. David had mentioned the job in Libya to Josh and he was submitting his resume to Anna, and hoping, just as we were for a chance at this multimillion $ job.

We had some common building ground.

And then, suddenly when I'd see them at the store, or at church, they would not even acknowledge me unless I spoke to them directly. And then it was a matter of being SEMI courteous, and exiting.

Not to be a complete jerk, but he bore his Testimony in Sacrament Meeting one Sunday and I SWEAR it was almost verbatim what I would have said. (I was considering taking a turn)

It was all about how this whole situation with him being unemployed for over 6 months now has been such a learning and faith promoting experience.

THEN, we are out in the foyer of our church right after the meeting. David was speaking with the Bishop, and I had to run to the van. I left the 3 Girls sitting on the couch in the foyer. And when I came back, Josh was talking to them like our families were good Friends. And exited as soon as I got back.

Can you say "Um, NO! You Creep!"

He has continued to make a HUGE deal throughout the ward about this job, and it really makes it hard for David or me to be able to talk to anyone about it, because he puts on such a show, that by the time we mention it, every one's like "Oh, yeah, Josh was just talking about that."

So, just for curiosity sake, I looked him up on line. And this guy seems to have a LOT of alias' as well as...well personalities.

Now, I don't know if he has caught on yet, or not. But this job in Libya just isn't happening. And yet he seems to be holding onto it pretty tightly. I guess that's his prerogative. And being what I would consider a harmless delusion, getting "cosy" with My Daughters is NOT what I would consider harmless.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.... and Repeat again, and again

I do all of my really deep thinking in the shower. It's the only place I can really do it. The Children almost never have the chance to bother me, and on the occasions that I shower when they can, I don't get into the in depth stuff.

I take my time and let it get nice and steamy. I pray, contemplate, remember, plan....

I read one Mom's heading to her Blog stating that it's rare to be able to shave and wash her hair in the same shower. Not me. If I want to do both, I can.

But that's because at least 50% of the time when I shower, it is really well planned out and either David is here, or I make SURE the Girls are able to handle themselves.... and of course I plan according to Jacob's naps.

Anyway, because that's where I do my deep thinking, I get really off track sometimes. And will wash my hair several times simply because I remember putting shampoo in my hand.... and then I can't remember what I did next.

But it's also symbolic. My life takes on a Groundhogs Day quality when I make real mistakes, or don't handle a situation right. I often find myself in that same situation several times, depending on how many tries it takes for me to get it right.

Immortals are roaming Freely?

So after reading Twilight, Fallen, and Evermore.... oh not to mention Fablehaven, I am seriously wondering where my Immortal was when I was between the ages of 15 and 18. Since 16-17 seems to be the average age for meeting (re meeting) the Immortal for whom you are destined......I mean I love David, but he is certainly NOT Immortal ;-)

Of course, now that I think about it, all of these girls seem to be sort of Loners, intellectual, but keeping to themselves. Certainly not me at that age. Most of them also really didn't date much.... so I guess that's where I strayed. ;-)

Marriage

David just came home from the store. I read him Ginger's posts about getting a new car. He asked what her husband was getting in return.

I asked him "Do you Guys really need ANYTHING in return?" He said, "Haven't you learned by now that all you have to do is ask, and bat your little eyelashes at me, and if I could afford it, I'd buy you a new car?" I replied with, "It's that easy, huh?!" Good to know. ;-)

Meanwhile, this is the 5th time in a week that I have sent him to the store for Coke. And he STILL didn't get any. When we were at Walmart the other day, we were going to buy sme, and he stated that it was cheaper at Smith's. So, we didn't buy it. Guess what? He was wrong! And now he has to go BACK to Smith's and get it.

The Saddest Words

"American Poet and abolitionist John Greenleaf Whittier (1807-1892) wrote, "For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: 'It might have been!'" Harriet Beecher Stowe (1811-1896), who was a contemporary of John Greenleaf Whittier, staunch abolitionist, and author of "Uncle Tom's Cabin," had this to say, "The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." What are these two like-minded individuals telling us? The saddest words of all are the words of regret, especially if they are uttered at one's deathbed.

Are there letters to relatives you've left unwritten, telephone calls left undone, family time left unspent, broken relationships left unrepaired, and goals left abandoned? That wouldn't be a problem if we were immortal, for then we could always do those things "someday" in the future. But we're not. We have a limited amount of time available. To avoid experiencing "the saddest words of all," to avoid dying with regret, we need to get out of the habit of leaving things undone.

What value is a blossom that doesn't open? What value is our life if we don't let our potential unfold? When we habitually take action at the moment opportunity strikes we lead fulfilled lives. But those who lead lives of inaction are like stones that exist but don't live.

Are there things you've done or failed to do that you regret? Of course, what a silly question! After all, we're human, which is another way of saying we're imperfect. So, there's no need to panic or obsess over our regrets. Instead, we can use them as a positive force. We can accept them as a wake up call. We can use them to spur us on to new behavior by choosing to act, not postpone. In the words of Henry David Thoreau, "Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it come to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh."

The dark of night is not the end of the world. Our gravest mistakes are not the end of life. No matter how we blundered, we can turn ourselves around by learning from the past. We can become like the lotus blossom that majestically rises out of the mud.

When we close the gap between what we want to be and what we are now, we will have high self-esteem. Low self-esteem is due to a huge gap between the two. To boost our confidence and eliminate regrets, all we have to do is our best. How can we not succeed if we always remember we have the choice between becoming better or becoming bitter.

We need to refocus our attention from our "failures" and regrets to the opportunities that beckon us. As, Jerome K. Jerome wrote, "Opportunities flit by while we sit regretting the chances we have lost, and the happiness that comes to us we heed not, because of the happiness that is gone." Sometimes we avoid examining our regrets because of the pain. But that's a mistake. Use them as a lesson, as a stepping-stone to a better you.

"At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal;" said Barbara Bush, "You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent." I'll end with a quote by Max L. Lucado, followed by a poems. Here's Max's thoughts, "Go to the effort. Invest the time. Write the letter. Make the apology. Take the trip. Purchase the gift. Do it. The seized opportunity renders joy. The neglected brings regret."

If I had my child to raise over again

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.
I would be firm less often and affirm much more.
I'd model less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.
By Diane Loomans".....
© Chuck Gallozzi
**********************************************************
I am happy to say that as I have been trying to purge my feelings from my past, I have realized that I have soooo very much to be grateful for.

I have made mistakes. BIG ones. And yet, over all, I regret VERY little. I have Always done what I believe in. No matter what anyone else thought. I married for Love. I began My Family immediately, which ironically is where most of my regrets come in (not for having the children I do, but for not knowing what I know now before I had them.... I would have been so much better to them), rather than waiting for my career or money.

Looking back, and really analyzing things, I have had 3 Great Loves: Mike, Jared, and David. All 3 were incredible Guys. All 3 had the potential to help me become who I need to be. But through my mistakes, as well as my good choices, 2 were weeded out. But how sad if I hadn't married one of the 3. In my earlier post I mentioned that Mike was the reason I didn't let David get away. I was so sad when things didn't work out with us. No, sad isn't the right word. HEART BROKEN! Especially because the reason we initially "broke up" was based on a malicious LIE by a Mutual Friend, and then my actions made it a self fulfilling prophecy. And when David and I were at an important crossroads, I literally heard in my head the words "Don't let what happened with Mike happen with David." So, we ran with it, and Eloped! :D

I feel now that I need to be able to help others. I feel a strong pull towards politics, and the law in general. I LOVED being a part of something with the Army. And it was incredibly fitting that the crest for my MOS (Specialty in the Military) with the JAG was the sword and pen.

The branch insignia consists of a gold pen crossed above a gold sword, superimposed over a laurel wreath. The pen signifies the recording of testimony, the sword represents the military character of the JAG Corps, and the wreath indicates honor. The insignia was created in May 1890 in silver and changed to gold in 1899.

The regimental distinctive insignia (commonly but erroneously referred to as a "crest") contains the branch insignia on a shield of azure (dark blue), bordered argent (silver), the regimental colors. The "1775" on the ribbon below the shields refers to the year of the Corps' establishment.

I believe it has a double meaning and eludes to the fact of the power of word both spoken as well as written.

The choices I've made, and What I've Done have made me who I am. I am strong, and I have a wealth of knowledge to share. I love deeply, and have a great deal of understanding and compassion.

I found this in an email folder. I had totally forgotten about it.

This is a letter from Jared to David from 2008:



So you have found me out. Good for you. But did you find something new? No, you did not. Everything you learned is what has been told to you before. She has been honest. Did you listen? Maybe you should have. I am not here to break what you have. Unless you straighten up, you will do that on your own. Maybe I should not have told you to straighten up. I do it for one reason and one person alone. You are married to her. You love her, at least I hope you do. I trust that you do. So why am I a threat? I shouldn't be, but yet you consider me one.

Let me explain something to you. Yes, I love her. That is true. But if you understood it you would know that I am more interested in her well being and that of your daughters as well than I am in getting her back. Has it crossed my mind. I would lie if I said no. But you are married to her. I would be villain if I did not respect that, and after all, that is what this is about. Respect. Well, respect and love. I respect and care about her. Did you read that file carefully? You should have. There is one part that is a key for you. It has to do with respect, although it does not say so.

I am here if you would like my help. I would be more than willing to help. We have a common interest. You are married to her so you should have more of an interest vested in this. I am not trying to chastise or threaten you, so please do not be defensive. Do not fear me nor be threatened by me. If anything I warning you. Not that I will take her from you. That would be disrespectful. I am just saying that you might be chasing her away. Please take heed and change. I believe that she does love you. Will you love her too?

**********************************************************
In case you haven't noticed, I am trying to wrap up my past. I have never gotten the chance to purge like this because I have been so worried about what others would think. Not any more. So, out it all comes in order to finish healing. I understand that it's been almost 2 years. But again, I held back to save face. I'm in denial no more.

Why so late?

I HATE that it's almost compulsory for me to blog late at night.

I came across the Blog of someone from High School who married the one Guy who letting him get away made me NOT make the same mistake with David. I fell HARD for this guy way before Jared, and was heart broken when we didn't work out over a really unfair misunderstanding.

Her Blog is eye opening for me. I realized after finding and reading her Blog, that I am very content to have the life I do.

David is perfect for me. I can't see anyone else having what it takes to help me reconcile who I was, and who I am with who I want to be.

I'm sure even without the mistakes that made the path I've walked my course, I would have hit a phase where I needed to be untamed. And lots of Guys prolly would have struggled with that. (not untamed like having an affair. just needing more in my life.) David rides the tides of my phases like a pro! (most of the time ;-)

But his wife makes me want to be better. Needless to say, she's never been arrested ;-)

I am so grateful for the relationship David and I have. We've made it through some incredibly hard times, and our connection to eachother has been vital!

Do unto Others

There is a guy that is "friends" with one of my friends who is incredibly UN Christian. I don't know his Religious denomination, but if he's religious at ALL, he prolly doesn't really listen to what they teach, since most religions whether Christian or not teach kindness and the Golden Rule. This guy is "always right" and a hypocrite. And the worst part is how vocal he is about how much he knows about situations he's never been in. He has been pretty harsh in response to my comments about how grateful I am right now to have the help of certain Government Programs right now with our situation even though I try to keep the "System" out of our lives as much as possible. He has made it very clear that he looks down on anyone, no matter what their "excuse" may be who uses the Welfare programs at ALL. He has even stated that it is stealing since it comes from his paycheck without his permission (not that the Government is stealing, but that the person using the Government programs is stealing).

It, along with my adventure last week made me realize the power and ability to judge that very few people have.

Sorry to once again go all "religious" however, this brings up Jesus Christ in my mind. He could and CAN judge because he has actually experienced EVERYTHING!

He can look at a person combined with a situation and know whether they could or could reasonably handle it appropriately or not, and if they did.

Another part to this is the fact that I truly believe in Karma. What you give is what you get back.

If you give a little, you get a little. If you give EVERYTHING, sooner or later you get just as much back, from someone or some where. If you gove NOTHING, you get exactly that. People who judge others and are unwilling to help those who need it, have the free agency to make that choice. But it's a pretty lonely and barren choice to make. Because their lives are not rich and full of the diversity and blessings that serving others and in return being the recipient of others efforts provide.

I need a drink ;-)

Those of you who have never had alcohol don't realize all of the different ways it can affect you.

It's been a while since I've had any. And I'll tell you, that it serves multiple purposes.

I believe in the Word Of Wisdom in the Doctrine and Covenants of the LDS Church, and value my Temple Recommend (I've had to earn it). This is why I don't drink.

But I'll tell you, for someone with a busy mind like mine, it would be nice to have a drink to quiet it for a bit.

Alcohol is the only thing that turns off certain channels and allows me to think of one thought at a time, or have it be just quiet inside my head. (No, I don't have visions or hear voices like some people who use alcohol to quiet their minds do.... believe it or not, I am quite healthy mentally ;-) I just have a TON to think about and process ALL THE TIME.

And I can see some days why some Stay at Home Moms, drink! It's amazing just how crazy a day with 4 Children constantly on the move really is. But I am very grateful to not have to deal with the addiction it can become... that is certainly the LAST thing I need in my life!

So, to those of you who have never tried it, don't. But to those of you who know exactly what I'm talking about.....well, have one for me ;-)

My Dad

I don't bring this up much because My Dad hasn't really been a part of my life since I was 5. But I recently connected with My Cousin, Sean. He's my Dad's Sister's Son.

He looks JUST like My Dad use to. It's insane.

It's such a double edged sword to have connected with him. It brings up so many questions, and I don't want to overload him. I saw My Aunt (His Mom) when I was 16 or so, and can't think of why I didn't see Sean or His Brother, Ryan.

And since I have had NO news of My Dad since then, I have no idea if he's even still alive. And to the best of my knowledge, neither does My Aunt.

So, for now, I just sort of exist with the ability to see and talk to My Cousin for the first time in my life.

Thinking INSIDE the Box

I guess I should be grateful. I realized one day recently that with the experiences I have had, I don't really think INSIDE the box.

It can really get frustrating though because I never realized how many people DO!

It compares a lot to being a parent. I can see things that My Children just cannot see or understand because they have never experienced them. This is, of course, much of the point of them being children.

But it's hard to watch someone walk into a situation or make a comment about something that they have such limited information on.... when you can see more of the picture. And 8 times in 10, you can't do a single thing about it. It's like watching someone walk into a brick wall that you know is there because you've already walked into it and found a way around, but they can't see it. And you say "Watch out. There's a brick wall there." And they just look at you and continue walking straight for it. Again, and again, and again. They don't want to hear your advice. They KNOW there's no brick wall there until.... Oops!

So here's my parting advice: "A wise man learns by the mistakes of others,
a fool by his own." Latin Proverb

The Mormons

The 2007 PBS special on The Mormons was on Mon and Tues nights. It was good to watch it again.

We let Elizabeth watch it with us. She had a few questions.... and as she gets older will prolly have more on the topic. But for now, she just watched and listened. Then we went over her questions afterwards and answered them for her.

One thing I really struggled with were the "Ex Mormons" the ones who had not just LEFT the church, but had been excommunicated.

The reason I struggled with listening to them is not because they had negative things to say about the Church. It was actually because they didn't really. They spoke of how unfair it was that they were excommunicated for exercising their free agency. They were bitterly sad about the loss of their Church Membership.

The thing is that in every case, they had been warned previously by Church Leaders that if they continued their current behavior, that disciplinary action would be necessary. And they continued to behave the way they had been.

I GET that they felt their behavior was acceptable, and therefore didn't need to be changed. That is their prerogative. However, they should not then be surprised when as promised, disciplinary action was taken.

I have to say that I understand the reasoning behind excommunication much better now that I am a Parent.

Excommunication, just like other types of discipline walks a very fine line in my mind. It can be misused and abused just like any other action taken by those in power.

But let me say this. One of the reasons behind excommiunication is to damage control. As a parent, I can see exactly why this can sometimes be necessary. For example, when I see Elizabeth breaking the rules, I am sad, and need to address it. However this is nothing compared to when I see her teaching her Sisters to mirror her behavior. Sometimes the only way to damage control is to remove her from the situation, activity, or environment while I try and teach them to NOT copy her behavior as well as teach her not to continue with it. Keeping her in the situation is like keeping a door open to another room during a fire. It allows for the possibility of that fire spreading rather than being contained.

It is one thing for a Member of any Family, congragation, or unit to feel or act contrary to how they have been taught or asked to behave. Completely different when they are teaching others in the unit to act against the "rules" of that organization.

To let yourself be led away is never good. But often the person who begins it, knows the consequences, and dangers of their choices....in other words they are making at least a SOMEWHAT informed decision. But those who follow them , usually do so blindly and without being fully informed of what their choices can mean.

2 Blogs

For those who don't know I have a 2nd Blog attached to this one Called My Politics feel free to check it out. :-)

Childhood Obesity

This is a topic that is just plain ridiculous to me.

I was talking to a friend today. She was telling me about how on Dr. Phil, they had children who are obese. A five year old who is 40 lbs obese. COME ON PARENTS! SERIOUSLY! Keeping a child from becoming obese as long as you are in charge of their diet is sooooo easy it's not even funny!

First of all, give them attention so they don't have to self medicate with food.

Second, put you foot down. They want ice cream for breakfast? Say "No!" and give them some reasonably healthy cereal, toast, eggs, pancakes or a waffle(without them dripping in syrup), some fruit, or yogurt. If you only give them sweets occasionally, then every once in a while, they can have some extra without you having to monitor them. And if they ask for seconds, give them something HEALTHY. Not cookies,etc. They may really still be hungry. But you can give them fruit snacks, a PBJ sandwich, a cup of juice. They don't have to have second and third helpings of fried chicken. (figurative of course)

Most 4 year olds I know, you have to coerce into eating all of their food. To have a 5 year old who is obese is ridiculous.

I've even heard of a parent using the excuse "Well, we said "no," but she kept whining, and we didn't want to hear it." Too BAD! You are the parent. If you cave that easily, you don't stand a chance on the big things. Your Daughter says "Mom, I want to ....." You say "No." She says, "But MOM!" And you cave????? Who's the Parent???? She won't respect you, and is set on a self distruct course because she's not READY to handle grown up decisions. That's why she's got you!

I just read the other day that Girls are hitting puberty at 8 and 9 now. And one of the contributing factors is BMI. The fatter they are, the earlier they hit puberty. No 7 year old should have to deal with that! If we can keep our Little Girls LITTLE a couple of years longer by keeping their weight down, we'd be stupid not to. My Babies will grow up soon enough. I don't need them starting their periods at 8 and having to deal with raging hormones that they don't understand because I couldn't put my foot down, or get up and fix them a healthy meal.

Not to mention the fact that being obese when your an adult is such an epidemic. Let's give them their Childhood before they have to worry about that. They will have enough stress over their bodies when they become Teenagers and Adults.

Sooooo S-A-D

Ok. So I HATE the situations that put us back in High School, and unfortunately, that seems to be the sum of my writings lately.

I guess if these are my biggest issues at the moment, I should be grateful for the lull! ;-)

The problem is that out of NO Where, Katie Grange and Adam Peeples are EVERYWHERE I turn. It's like they crawled out from under their rocks and started making sure they INFILTRATED my life. In just the past month, it seems they have found the need to solicit every close friend of mine that they know for friendship.

That is one thing I am grateful for. Is that all of you, even though a few of you have known me that long, were not intimately associated with me in High School. Because you make life GROWN UP for me now. But thanks for listening to me whine about High School problems anyway.

Anyhow, I've dealt with the Adam "thing" so now onto Katie.

Here's what brings her up THIS time: She has joined a group on FB called "The Moment of Glory when you realize everyone hates the person you hate."

Well, that would be ME!

Yes, it sounds awfully vain, however, I know Katie all too well. And sad as it is, for what EVER reason it is that she "hates" me, I know for a FACT that I am the only person to have the privilege of owning that particular honor.

And I know that it was a triumphant moment for her when her Family sided with her after I "let them down."

But I know this: Jared doesn't hate me. He hates himself. I am the scapegoat because he can't face the fact that HE screwed up. And his Parents only "hate" me because they feel sooooo let down by my "betrayal."

Other than that, I can't think of a single person who has a real issue with me... hahahaha.... besides Adam Peeples.

It's amazing though, because Katie has had a "hate" for me for over a decade. And NO ONE, not even her family knows exactly why. They have however stated that she has so many issues anyway, that I should take it as a compliment. Her poor Husband had dinner with Jared and I one night. He is sooo miserable. But he stays with her for the sake of their 2 children. This sounds so mean of me.... but the sad truth is that I have heard this from their own mouths.

The rest of her family, besides those already mentioned don't care enough to have a problem with me.

Soooo, now that I've completely begun to sound 18 and immature, here's the reason I brought this up.

First, because Katie and I cannot stop crossing paths. She is on so many of the same Friends lists that I am on, it's not even funny. You will literally see: "So and so is now friends with Katie Halladay" (her married name), and the next posting is "So and so is now friends with Candace Rose." Or one of my friends will post something, and I will comment. And the very next comment on there is hers.

Here's the thing about it: I was born on Oct 19Th. Katie on Oct 25Th. We "liked" almost all of the same guys in High School.... which I dated, and even shared the same taste AFTER... which she married. No joke, we even picked out the exact same High School ring without knowing until we picked them up that we had. And not even joking, I always wanted to name a daughter Jessica Lynn.... and Katie, being married 4 years earlier than I was, had a daughter right away named Jessica Lynn. SO how ironic when we almost end up Sisters-in-law! YES that would have been too much. I don't know how we would have even survived a Family get together.... well, actually, I do because I went camping with her (Jared's) family the week before Jared and I called things off. And I was able to enjoy myself while she sulked in her tent the entire day.

The second reason I bring this up is this: I am so grateful to have so much joy and love in my life that I don't have room for the negativity that she seems to bask in willingly. I thought about it.... hating her, after I saw that group on her profile. But as I was thinking about it, I was rocking Jacob. And any room for those negative feelings was non existent. If she has room for that kind of stuff, more power to her. But I don't. And I am immensely grateful for that.

Sorry for the language, but there's no other word I can use with this one

BITCHOLOGY: When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch. When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch. When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch. Guess what, I'm proud of it!!

It's so true! When a Man is assertive, he's a "go getter." When a Woman is assertive, well.... she IS viewed as a Bitch.


I have had to stare down this stereotype for years.

And it's misguided and completely unfair.

But if it's a choice between people thinking I am one, or backing down.... my choice is NEVER to back down when it comes to the things I believe in.

I've been told everyhthing from how I run my home to how I change a diaper; how many time a day I wash my hands to how I handle laundry is "Not Normal."

SERIOUSLY people, find something else to worry about!!!!!

If I had the amount of time and energy on my hands that it would take to nit pick over someone the way people do with me, my life would be completely void of meaning and I'd seriously be in need of getting a life!

I'll tell you what I AM: I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I take the hits, and keep on going. I know how to stand my ground. But I DON'T ever abuse or take adavantage of people knowingly. EVER!

Ok, so now that I'm on the record

I have to laugh as I roll my eyes.

The Grange Family is one I have known since Jr High. The Eldest Daughter, Katie and I were friends.

The problem was that I was more popular, and the Guys SHE liked throughout our teenage/early adult years liked ME.

Conceited? No, TRUE!

We went to a Singles dance with a group of Friends after High School. I met a guy that I "hit it off with." He asked for my #, and I said I'd give it to him after the dance. Katie danced with him later.... and they were married like 6 months later. Good For HER! He was hard to understand (he had a speech impediment) and we weren't a good match.

But she's literally HATED me ever since.

Such is Life! I couldn't care less.

Unfortunately though, her younger brother and I hit it off shortly after that. Right before he left to go on a mission.

Here's the thing.... all of you must have figured out by now that I have NEVER cared what people think of me unless it actually interferes with my ability to exist peacefully.

I do not bother people who don't bother me.

It's become a known reason why people resent me. Because I have and always WILL live my life for ME. People have told me that in High School, they admired me. And then felt so let down when they found out I wasn't as perfect as they thought I was.

Well, first of all, I do not put on "false airs." If you thought I was a certain way, I prolly was. (no, I never have and never will claim to be perfect... but I'm just saying that the qualities people admired were no act.) However, after High School, I took a different path than the one I had walked during High School. But both were for me and no one else. I have NEVER tried to "please" ANYONE.

Well, Katie's Family regarded me "loosely" while I interacted with... and dated her brother. They knew that she no longer cared to be friends with me, but had never had a problem with me. So they were cordial, but kept a safe distance. Then, he and I broke up.

Years passed. And I got on with my life. Got married. Started a Family.

And Jared and I crossed paths again.

His Family took a little bit different approach due to the fact that they had been why we broke up the first time, because I was married with children, and because none of them really liked the way Katie handled life anyway.

They were cautious, but fell in love with The Girls, and gave me the benefit of the doubt.

Like so many others, I let them down.

And Jared, being so afraid to take responsibility, let me take the fall alone.

So, now they know that Katie was right about me all along. And they will NEVER give me another chance.

If ONLY they knew the real story.

It's interesting though. And sad.

Because I have ALWAYS been 100% genuine. 100% upfront.

And let me tell you something: Any "Facts" that were negligibly NOT on the record.... well, it was simply a matter of NOTDB! You see, I will never, and have never hidden ANYTHING from ANYONE. But that doesn't mean I am going to use it as a conversation opener.

Once in a while, David will "suggest" that I don't go 100% naked on a topic. And HE has jumped in before when I was about to lay it all on the table, and diverted. Jared was the same way. But with David, it is his way of protecting me. And unfortunately with Jared, I think it was to protect HIM.

Now, there is a slight window of argument left open right here for when David and I used to fight in our previous relationship. And let me tell you right now, that sometimes the truth is staring someone in the face and they refuse to acknowledge it. And you tell them that it is what it appears, and they still don't want to accept that it is what it is. So, you stop waving it in their face, and concede to let them keep their illusions.... even if that involves a "cover story."

But I promise this here and now: Ask me a question straight up, and I will tell you the truth straight up. That is how it is, always has been, and always will be with ONE condition. If it puts my Children in danger to tell you the truth because YOUR motives aren't 100% (or they are misguided) and I sense that, then I will do what I need to and protect them over leveling with you. BUT I will NEVER not be straight up to protect ME. Or even David. And for SURE not to protect someone else.

My favorite way of hearing Barrack Obama introduced will always be: "Ladies and Gentlemen, former President Barrack Obama."

Here are a few things I saw that I liked:


Little Johnny is not an Obama fan
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Litt...le Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican." Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."


"Dear Lord, In the past year you have taken away my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett, my favorite musician, Michael Jackson, my favorite salesman, Billie Mays, and my favorite athlete, Chris Henry. I just wanted to let you know my favorite President is Barrack Obama. Thank you and AMEN!"


If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? America! -Thanks Jimmy Fallon

What I learned from Monday night

I didn't enjoy what happened Monday night even a little bit. I barely slept, the people around me were nice people, but have some real problems and are very lost...and made the atmosphere so depressing. And let me tell you something: handcuffs HURT! Not to mention sharing a small room with another person and having to pee in the same room they are sleeping in.

BUT I did learn some things.

1) I am SOOOOO glad I have never been involved in drugs. They mess your life up sooooo bad! 90% of the people in there were there for something involving drugs. Alcohol was a big one too. They got drunk or high and did something stupid. I DID drink at one point, but NEVER let it control me. I got lucky though, because I DID do a few stupid things when I had been drinking, and there are still consequences I am dealing with from that... but Thank HEAVEN, I never did anything that hurt anyone else!

2) I may only be 31, but I have quite a bit of life experience. There are things I understand that people in their late years don't get. I'm not perfect, but I do believe that I am wiser than a lot of people my age.... and even some who are older than I am. And because of my life experiences, I am able to empathize a lot better than a lot of people I know. I told David tonight that I should run for Public Office. The only thing I don't know anything about is being "A Rich Black Man." ;-) But seriously: I've been to jail, so I can empathize with the people who are dealing with that. Both the inmates AND the Families. I have seen first hand what things I believe need to be changed or kept about the way things are done. I have seen overcrowding of a jail for little/petty crimes, while the REAL criminals are free to roam the country. I think I could make a dent in how things are done. I've also been without an income, had children, been a Single Parent, dealt with the system when it comes to wanting to Homeschool vs have my child attend Public School, been a Soldier, been without Health Insurance, been married, felt like myself and my children were in danger and no one could or WOULD help us, chosen to NOT immunize my children, tried to eat healthy with a limited amount of $, and a few other things. I could TRULY represent a vast combination of peoples' interests. Because I've BEEN THERE. I know first hand what they are going through. (this is in NO way a sob story... just a list of different experiences I've had that I think would make a difference in how people are represented)

3) I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!! Just the ability to be with my WONDERFUL Children and Husband. I took Elizabeth to the Dr today. Our Pediatrician couldn't stop talking about how fortunate I am when it comes to my children. She has seen all of them at one time or another. And I really do have WONDERFUL, Healthy, BEAUTIFUL children with good genetics. And they are all with me. You can't IMAGINE how many of the Mothers I have met in jail do not have custody of their children even when they are NOT in jail. It's soooo sad. I was there one time, and one lady was pregnant. And she had already had to sign the baby over to someone else because after he/she was born, the mother had to stay in jail. She would get to hold her baby, and then sometime before the baby was more than a couple of days old, she would no longer be his/her mother until she was released. And THEN she would have to go through the State System to get him/her back.

4) I Truly am so blessed. And I truly believe in Spirit based Karma. Basically that through the Holy Spirit (for us Mormons, the Holy Ghost), we truly DO get back what we give away. If we are kind and thoughtful, generous, grateful... we are taken care of. Sometimes by people we wouldn't expect it from. But when we are mean, and spiteful, greedy, and ungrateful... well, who can blame those who roll their eyes rather than help us.

5) I am so happy that I have the morals I have. My Girls need to learn about life from Me and David.... Jacob too, of course. Not from school, tv, the radio, etc. I saw a few new music videos while killing time Tues morning. One was Brittney Spears, and it was VERY suggestive. And talked about things I COMPLETELY disagree with. Another was a 14 year old boy singing about love.... which I would bet he knows NOTHING about. I also heard from one of the women that there is a new form of meth out there that looks like Pop Rocks. And "it's going around the Middle Schools in Utah so it's only a matter of time before it's going around here." HOLY CRAP! My 10 year old doesn't need that stuff in her life! That is a HUGE reason why we are Home Schooling. We want our Children to learn the facts vs the allure, and I want to be able to get as much of that in them before they're faced with the garbage in the world daily.

6) Every time I've been to jail, they ask if I have any tattoos. If I were to say "yes" they would have to take a picture and document it. The 2nd time I was there I vowed that if I ever had to go back, I was going to have a tattoo to show them. I told one of the Officers that Monday night. She said I really had to do it now. So, what I want to get is Puckered lips on my butt cheek with the words "Kiss it!" ;-)