Who's Daughter am I anyway ;-)

As we were getting ready to leave to go to the park today, I realized that I am My Grandma's Daughter.

Actually who I realized I do things a lot like when it comes to outings and stuff, is my Aunt April.... who did things alot like her mother.... my Grandma.

I realized that when we went places like Lagoon and stuff, my Mom went often enough, but when she didn't, my Grandma would take me, and we were normally going with my Aunt and cousins.

Biracial?

Today was an interesting day. I have had a hard time going to church the past few weeks because I just feel like I don't fit in. I wish I could spend ONE full day seeing myself through others'eyes. Just so I could see what it is I need to "fix" and what I don't need to worry about.

I must scare some people. Which is funny because I may be incredibly assertive, but I think I am generally pretty nice. I come on strong, but I mean no harm.

It didn't help that when I got to church today, I was starving. So, I took a chocolate muffin (my breakfast of choice of late) and a Mt Dew into the kitchen. And I felt like it may as well have been pot.

Then of course my Children for some reason, no matter HOW many times they are told, do not grasp that they can't yell, clap, throw tantrums, eat fruit snacks off of the floor, etc. during Sacrament Meeting. It just isn't polite. They get in trouble at home for these things (well, not the clapping or eating fruit snacks off of the floor ;-) why would it be ok there?

Now don't get me wrong. I believe WHOLE heartedly in the fundamental beliefs and principles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I will never become inactive, nor will I ever leave the church.

But I just struggle with the atmosphere created by some of the people there.

So, I get into Nursery, and Ivy and I start talking, and it just helped sooooo much. She got how frustrated I was with the "Wasatch Front" Mormons, as she calls them. (the ones who have a stick up their butt and are judgmental about anybody who isn't "perfect") I was also able to talk about my chocolate muffin addiction, as well as something Elysia had said this morning that was HILARIOUS. (though a lot of people would prolly not think so.)

One of the ways I would describe how I often feel is "Biracial." I don't fit in with the "Wasatch Front" Mormons, but I often don't fit in with the Non Mormons either.

Hold on the Light will Come!

"The message of this moment is so clear. And as certain as the rising of the sun. If your world is filled with darkness, doubt and fear, just hold on the light will come."

I am not one to pull a holier that thou attitude. I don not believe myself to be any better than the next person. I however DO believe that I have a more positive than average attitude. I have a lot of people to thank for that.

One thing I understand is the feeling of hopelessness. One thing I do not understand is quitting when things look hopeless. I have been called obsessive, stubborn, and many other words that all mean basically that when I wrap my mind around an idea, I hold to it, and have yet to have found any thing but a complete change in circumstances that will convince me to let go.

And NOTHING has been able to convince me to give up my faith. Struggle with it for a day here or there, yes. Who doesn't?! But I guarantee that when the sun comes up, it always brings with it a new hope and strengthening of my resolve, commitment and faith.

I've BEEN in most of your shoes. Really.

I have been a Single Parent with almost NO support or help. I have had to provide for my Children with NO way to do so. And I have always made it through.

I have cried and prayed over a Husband who seems cold, and without any sort of kind thoughts toward me or my Children. I have been in situations where NOTHING was able to get through to him. And everyone that I turned to for help told me how horrible I was.

I have been abused. I have been to the edge and back. I have contemplated suicide.

But that would be quitting. And that is one thing I do not know how to do.

I've been in jail, I've been through a Church Disciplinary Counsel, I've been divorced, without money, beaten, bruised, and broken. And I have come out of it so much stronger and grown up.

Some of you are in situations where it seems COMPLETELY HOPELESS. And it's just NOT! It IS always DARKEST before the dawn! But the dawn ALWAYS comes.

********************************************************

Now, with all of that, I think some actually may think "Well, you know how to handle the CRAP. But what about the "normal" stuff?"

I've been there too. And am daily. I am a SAHM with 4 children. I clean, cook (shocker I know ;-). Run children to appointments, dance, primary activities, playgroup, the park. I work around schedules. Attend church. Have a calling. Bake (once in a BLUE Moon ;-)

Believe me, I deal with the "normal" crazy as well as the "not so normal" crazy. And I manage pretty well with that too. :-D

Dream On Lyrics

Every time that I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by, like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay

Yeah, I know nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know how to win

Half my life
Is in books' written pages
Lived and learned from fools and
From sages
You know it's true
All the things come back to you

Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laugh, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away, yeah

Yeah, sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laugh, sing for the tear
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away

Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream until the dream come true
Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream until your dream comes true
Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream On Dream On
Dream On Dream On

Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laugh, sing for the tear
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away
Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laugh, sing for the tear
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away...

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/a/aerosmith/#share

I do more than breathe in and breathe out now

I realized today that I am not the same person I was 9 months ago. THANK HEAVEN!!!!!

I am so strong. I know how to accomplish things. I actually KNOW how to put one foot in front of the other until I see results.

Today was an accomplishment kind of day. I took David to work, got all 4 kids ready and to playgroup with a full tank of gas. (I have a bad habit of putting it off, and sometimes running WAY too close to out) Took them ALL to the Dentist for E's appointment, and then to Wal mart for some "light" grocery shopping. Then we met Ginger and the Girls at the Rec Center.

(Since the day Jacob was born, I have been unwilling to attempt walmart without David.... at least with all 4 Children. SO that was actually HUGE for me!)

When we got home, David picked the first fight in weeks. And I simply REFUSED to get on board. He got pissed off, hit the steering wheel with his fists, and got out. I immediately switched to the drivers side, locked the doors (a necessary step when he is in one of his "moods") and LEFT. I just went. I drove around for a few minutes, and then got the Children home and in the house, bathed Jacob, calmed down, and called David. Who again wanted to start something. I again refused to fight with him. By the end of the hour, he was home, and life was on it's way once more.


One thing that I have struggled with is our laundry situation. It takes having a larger than average (more than one or two kids) I think to fully appreciate the laundry thing. Anyway, every time David and I fight, the laundry gets put off even more. NOT TONIGHT. I put one foot in front of the other, hiked up my big girl panties, and got more laundry done tonight than on an average day. This might not sound huge, but for me, it IS! It means that I have found away to move a mountain when I feel like crawling under it and letting it hide me for EVER!

This whole situation led me to realize a few things. A) I have a VERY "Glass is half full attitude." (which ironically is what pissed D off in the 1st place tonight)
B) D does NOT. He is very negative in certain situations. C) Marrying him was the biggest mistake I have EVER made. But D) It was also the BEST!

I truly believe that there was a reason why we moved so fast. I think God knew that if we hesitated, we would NEVER work out.

And for E of my realizations, I once again recognized a premonition. And now firmly believe that I get them on days when D is gonna start something, or there is a potential for trouble. Today, I really struggled with leaving my bed. And it was on a deeper level than normal.

Alas. Such is My Life. I still love it!

And F G and H on revelations: F) My Children went to bed tonight feeling loved and cared for.... and I KNOW this for a fact. And YES, it was because rather than get on board with D's pissiness, I focused in on the necessity of meeting THEIR needs, including making sure I did what I needed to in order to fix things with D, and get him here to co parent vs my doing it alone. We also sang song :-D.
G) My Children might act out, and disobey, but I know when all is said and done, they respect me and trust me. They fall in line pretty quickly and respond to me when they know I'mm not distracted by stupidity. They know I am a safe constant. That I have always and will always be their safety net. And H)Teaching them NOW that things always look brighter in the morning will prolly do WONDERS for them later.

There is a side to this that I rarely point out, but believe in and need to this time. When David is wearing a full set of garments, he is different than when he is not. Yes, I KNOW this to be true. There have been days when he can't find a garment top (undershirt) and will go without. These are the days when if a fight is initiated, it will go on for hours and end sourly. Tonight he was far more responsive than MANY times in the past. Take it how you will, I am a believer ;-)

And now, I am EXHAUSTED! And FULLY looking forward to Mom's Night In tomorrow! :-D

Meanwhile, I have rewarded myself with THREE chocolate doughnuts!

Outsider, Peculiar, Odd

All labels that I often feel apply to me. And it's only such a big problem, I think because a) I was pretty popular as a teen, and b) I'm really not that different from everyone else.

So, while I was in the shower just now, I was mulling over this situation I'm in. I feel, for at LEAST the 9th month now, that I am STUCK in the Waiting Place of Dr. Seuss ("Oh The Places You'll Go" is one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE books!)

I think I have actually finally gotten somewhat out of it. I am settling down with the idea that we will be in this townhouse at LEAST until August, and am happy to be a SAHM. It helps a TON that David is working again.... but even right before he got this job, I had settled into living life as is and not waiting for it to change. But it makes it hard to still feel like an outsider, peculiar, and odd.

The Moms from Playgroup have REALLY helped with this. I feel at home with them.

But you see, I am a very unique combination. I go to church on Sunday, and have very little to say. No one there would understand a lot of what I consider my life. They don't go to jail, LOVE pudding shots, attend Passion Parties.... let alone consider SELLING for them, do a Mom's Night In. Bummer. I think they could benefit from some of these things. And I am no less "Mormon" for it. I still pay tithing, keep my covenants that I made in the Temple. I hold a Temple Recommend HONESTLY. I believe it. I live it. I just don't have a stick up my butt about it. In fact, I am one of the FEW who actually HAS a year supply of food stored for my Family of 6.

That's actually another thing that fascinates me. How many people who are "Mormon" who seem shocked by the fact that I want more children. Especially when it doesn't seem to shock my NON LDS Friends and associates anywhere NEAR as much as it does the ones who are LDS.

And the whole Passion Parties thing. My mom and I actually did not speak for almost a week after I called her on my way to Nicole's and told her where I was going. But COME ON! I KNOW for a FACT that everyone.... with maybe ONE exception... reading this Blog has had sex in the past year. And PLANS to have sex sometime in the coming year. And I also know that sex is one of those things where you have to make it work for YOU and you partner. No matter what others say or do, it is almost NEVER the same for any 2 couples. And some people don't enjoy things that others do, and some people enjoy things that others don't. And what you do behind closed doors (and sometimes on the HS track or a 4 wheeler ;-) is your business. But as long as it contributes to keeping your marriage/relationship healthy, there's nothing wrong with it. And there are things that are associated with Boutiques, and "Novelty" stores that are even G rated. Not everything is R or X. I'm actually NOT trying to make a sales pitch. Just point out that it shouldn't be such a taboo topic, or business.

Personally, David and I keep it pretty, I don't know.... we're not wild and crazy. BUT if it was ALWAYS the same, and never accomplished anything more than the basics, we prolly would not have the 4 Children we have. That's why people fake headaches. Is because if it's only so-so, then it gets to be more hassle than it's worth.

I'm getting off track....

I just am tired of being looked at as "odd" when I'm pretty much just like everyone else!

The Room

THE ROOM


By Joshua Harris


In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.
And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed."
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I Have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed At." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger," "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.
I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?
Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
"No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.
He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."
I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

Why Women Cheat

I've been thinking of this today after the 3 am post this morning. I worried that people might think my 3 am chat was a dangerous topic given.... well....

Here's the thing. Men and women generally cheat for COMPLETELY different reasons. Reasons that often share characteristics, and yet are completely different.

It's like the saying "Men will trade love in exchange for sex, while women will trade sex in exchange for love." They're underlying reasons, motives, and needs are just different.

There are ALWAYS exceptions. But in general.

When a Man has sex out of marriage, I really don't think they are thinking "long term." It's more of an "I like you. I'm attracted to you. And I want sex. Maybe it will be a long term thing. Maybe not. But for now...."

A Woman on the other hand is thinking "I am attracted to you. You make me feel good. I want you to continue to make me feel good. Let's seal the bond so we can feel good for a long time."

Jared wasn't because I had an over active sex drive. It wasn't even because I was lonely. It was because I wanted to be with him. I wanted to bond with him. Because I loved him.

David is sweet, understanding, and loyal. But if he were to cheat, it would be for completely different reasons. It would be because he was feeling unappreciated, and like he was owed something he wasn't getting.

And yes, I am going to say this: I was married, and I am not stupid enough to try to pass it off as anything else. BUT the marriage was over to a point where the ONLY thing we were waiting for was a judges signature.

Anyway, I'm going off on tangents. The point is that men and women often view sex differently. Have a different drive and need for it. It's fueled more by the physical need for men, and the emotional need for women.

Boys

Please don't misunderstand when I "talk" about this topic. But let's just say boys were a HUGE deal for me when I was a teenager/20 year old. I liked them, and almost ALL of the ones I liked, reciprocated. As much of a self-esteem boost as that was, it made life dramatic and complicated.

Anyhow, the reason I bring this up is because I am chatting, at 3:30 am, with a dear Friend from HS. A Boy.

There was never anything romantic between us. However, looking back several times in the past decade, I realized that had I not been stupid, we could have had something. That however would have ruined a great Friendship, I'm sure. I never put 2 and 2 together then.

It's crazy though. We did a lot together. And he is the Friend of several of the guys I dated. Josh and Mike. 2 BIG relationships for me.

This guy is redheaded and colorblind, and I adore him to this day.

Again, don't misunderstand. I LOVE David. And there isn't another guy on the planet who I could work with the way I do him. We are made for eachother.

It's just crazy to be here and now looking back at then.

Yada yada yada

I REALLY truly don't get people sometimes. For my Friend who "has mental issues," I say: I think you might just be more sane than a HUGE percentage of the people "without" the issues you face. You're realitively in tune with yourself, and as you said, the first step is acknowledging that there is a problem. MANY MANY MANY people have NO idea they HAVE a problem. So, I for one would rather have you in my corner than them!

Which takes me back to my first line : I REALLY truly don't get people sometimes.

Person A for example. Nice enough. We get along just fine. I'm pretty sure her husband doesn't like me AT ALL. I've heard that it's because I'm loud. This is true, so, maybe that is the real reason. But I am SURE there's more to it than that. Anyhow, Person A and I get along just fine.... but I don't know if that's really the case. She has a business and I have been a patron of this business. But I feel a lot of the time as though that is the ONLY interest she has in me. And I don't like that feeling. When I was in labor with Jacob, I got a text from her asking if I needed anything because she was placing an order. No congrats after he was born.... in fact she seems to keep her distance since he was born. And No, I don't need that acknowledgement, however, I don't like feeling that I'm only any good to her if I'm buying things and she's making $ off of me. So, when I changed to my new FB profile, I didn't transfer her over to the new one, and like almost everyone else, I deleted her off of the old one. And there are Friends of hers that she out of the blue deleted off of HERS. And they don't have any idea why. And I think they are hurt, and confused. But she isn't acting any differently from what I have observed. So......????? Any of my business? NOPE. BUT I have other Friends that are also Friends of hers, and I KNOW they are still on her Friends list. And it makes me wonder what it is she "values" in a friendship.

I don't mean to cause problems. And I wouldn't be bringing this up except her demeanor is what I would consider so straight forward. I have even come to admire her in a lot of ways. But there HAS to be something there that isn't obvious. I have my theories, and hunches. But none of them will prolly ever be more than just that. And that's fine. I just worry about the people who are truly invested in the friendships they have with her because unfortunately, I think she doesn't invest in friendships the way a lot of her Friends do. Clear as mud? ;-)


Meanwhile, I am frustrated again with Person M. ( no rhyme or reason to using that letter.... just wanting to show the level of distance between Person A and the next topic. They are only related by my frustration with both ;-)

Person M is someone who I expect to have an emotional investment in my life. And if she does, it's an odd one.

A week or so ago, it was brought to my attention that a few Friends had somehow been removed from my Friends list. One of them brought it to my attention. And I looked into it immediately. I noticed that Person M was also missing. And I knew that from everything else, she had not removed me (or at least it was VERY unlikely.) But I did not re add her for a couple of reasons: a) yes, I wanted to see if she noticed, because b) she didn't seem to ever look at my page.

It took her at least a week after that to notice. So, I re added her and let her know what had happened. And since then, I do not believe she has even visited my page.

So as I said, "Yada, Yada, Yada." Because in the scheme of things, this is stupid. And that's the point. I HATE stupid ;-)

Passion Parties and 7 yr olds

Elizabeth asked me tonight if we are giving some of our old stuff away. I asked her why. She asked if that is what a Passion Party is. I told her no. She asked if it was a party like I had the other night where we Moms hung out and had treats. I said Yes. :-)

Thought for the day

"It ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else." - David A. Bednar

Girls

I had Roxy, Ginger, and Stephanie over tonight and really enjoyed it. But something I realized at the end, is that I really enjoyed having Elizabeth around tonight. I enjoy not only spending time with my Friends who are Girls, but MY GIRLS. Especially Elizabeth. But I like to take Elysia places too.

Dream On

This is a song that I had a REALLY hard time listening to for a year or so after the whole Jared thing. To this day, David has a love/hate relationship with it. He likes the song, but HATES what it reminds him of (Jared).

I'd say it's definitely a sign of healing that I can listen to it again.... and even enjoy it fully once more.

Wishing doesn't alway make it so

There are some things you can wish for all you want and they just will NEVER happen. Other things, with the right attitude, and a REAL desire, can be realized.

I am realizing this with my relationships. It's times like these when I REALLY wish I had a sister, or the kind of friend who was like a "mind twin."

Someone who would pick up on the little "routines" I go through. You see, there are certain things I do ONLY at certain times.

I really AM lucky. Because David picks up on them for the most part. But he is after all a GUY, and they are only intuitive to a point.

Like last night, he noticed me sleeping on my stomach. TOTALLY random to most. But he knows I'm not a stomach sleeper.

I'm eating healthier. Craving vitamin C. EXERCISING. It comes naturally to me at certain points in my life. I don't have to think about it. I just gravitate towards these things.

And it's predictable.... well, at least something about it is.

Unfortunately, I tell David so much that being intuitive isn't necessary on everything.

Maybe it goes back to the Parable of the Diamond Ring and "If you Build it..." thinking. Maybe what it is, is that I make up my mind that I want something, and between God and Me, it forms a plan and comes into being.

So making up my mind and telling David, kind of set things in motion and everything just falls in line. BOY I need that to work with this House and Job in Alaska.

I'm Callin' BS!

I'm having one of those days where I want to declutter my life. And I'm talking PEOPLE! I totally have gotten SICK of the "I try to look nice and give some "Friendly" excuse, when the real reason is ...." crap.

It's like when one of my BEST Friends and I weren't speaking after SHE stole and married MY boyfriend. SHE was mad at ME. And for 5 years, I had NO idea what I had done. It came to a point where there was NOTHING she could say that was worse than the silent treatment. She could call me any name in the book, and at least she'd be giving a reason. "I hate you because you ____." Or "I hate you because you are ____." Was WAY better than I'm just ignoring you.

I know I'm abrasive. I know I'm confrontational. If you've thought it, I know it about myself. I know my faults. I know my weaknesses. I also know that I would give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. And I am loyal. And I am empathetic. And I love deeply. And I NEVER turn my back on people. And the very first thought that enters my head when I hear that somebody needs help is "What can I do?" I NEVER leave it up to others to help out. If you're lonely, I'm there to ease your loneliness. If you're lost, I'm more than willing to help you in what ever way I can. If you need a Friend, I'll be your Friend. If your car breaks down, I'll give you a ride. If your washer breaks, you can use mine. If I'm going to the park, you can come too. If I'm cooking dinner, you can have some. If I'm watching a movie, you can watch it too.

While others are talking about doing things, I am doing them. While people are saying "I would have food storage, but I have no where to put it." I am putting it in closets, or under beds if I have to. While people are saying "I'd love to help, but I can't." I'm finding a way.

It comes down to "I just don't want to." And that's FINE. Be who you are. Not what people WANT you to be. But be HONEST about it.

Don't tell me that you'd come, but it's too far away if you don't mean it because I will normally find away to either bring it to you or I will come and get you. And when you turn me down anyway, I will call BS.

Don't tell me you're interested if you're not.

Don't tell me you care if you don't.

Don't say "I would but,..." If you wouldn't.

BECAUSE I WILL CALL BS!

Hopeless

Is something I have NEVER felt. I've come CLOSE. But I learned as a Teenager, that the sun always rises and when it does, things always seem better and have a silver lining. I understand CRAPPY circumstances. What I DON'T Understand is the "Glass is half empty" mentality.

I understand everything looking like there's no solution. But I don't understand whining and wallowing.

7 months ago, when we first faced running out of $, I could see NO solution in sight. And here we are 7 months later, and we have NEVER run out of the resources we need to survive. Things have been stressful. Resources are limited. But NEVER have they been none existent.

The people that I really struggle to understand are the ones who "Believe" in a God who says over and over that He will NEVER abandon them. And have prolly had MANY situations where they have been provided for. And yet they STILL have such a negative outlook.


"God has not ceased to be a God of miracles." Mormon 9:15

By Nature's Design, by God's Design, However you want to look at it, this is how I work

We received a shutoff notice last week for the power. I HATE broadcasting this, but it's what I'm dealing with right now, and therefore what I am writing about.

I called the power company and they told me we had until today to pay the past due.

I talked to David, and asked him if he needed to get with the Bishop to get it taken care of. He told me that No. He felt that things were going to be ok, and that he didn't need to talk to the Bishop about it.

Today, our doorbell rang. If you know me AT ALL, you should know by now that after every thing I have been through with the Law, I don't like to open the door if I'm not expecting you.

I knew that it very well COULD be the power company, and asked David to handle it.

When no progress seemed to be happening, I gave in and called my Mom. Which I HATE doing because she's already helping so much. BUT, I am a Mother. And we were about to be without power.

She let me make the payment with her Debit Card. But told me that I had to have the $ in her account by tonight or a check... her tithing check none the less would prolly bounce tomorrow.

After the situation was resolved, I told David it was done. I made NO effort at hiding my frustration with his allowing it to go to the point of shut off, before he took ANY kind of steps to avoid it.

He then informed me that he had worked something out with the Meter Lady and if he had given her 1/2 of the amount I had just paid, or rather MY MOM had just paid, we would have been fine.

Here's my issue with the situation. Never did he say anything that even remotely gave me reason to think it was being handled. When I came into the kitchen, and said I was going to call my Mom to see about getting a CC to do an over the phone payment
(which I SAID was what I was going to do) A simple "I've worked it out, you don't need to call her," would've been enough for me to stop and go back to taking care of the Children.

But I am a Woman. A Mother. And I can't speak for the rest of you, but I am a Woman of ACTION. ESPECIALLY when my Children are at risk. I don't hang around waiting and HOPING some one ELSE will fix things, save them, protect them. I DO it... and I do it NOW. I have been like that since the DAY Elizabeth was born. Only unfortunately it took a few years to not be afraid to be true to that instinct.

And unfortunately David has too often been the threat that I have felt needed to be dealt with. So, on TOP of my basic Mother Bear Nature, I have also learned from repetition, that I CAN'T wait for him to fix it, because not only has he shown a consistent lack of being part of the solution, but also a consistency of being part of the problem.


Things worked out fine. And besides a bit of frustration and annoyance, we got along fine. We got over it without getting upset, and it's done.

However, I REALLY wish he understood the BASIC make up of who I am and that I follow a process in situations like these. A) I ask about the situation to make sure I understand it. B) I warn that I am about to do what I need to in order to resolve the situation. and C) I ACT.

Now, in all fairness, I think I DID skip A. But I DID let him know that I was about to call my Mom for a CC # to fix the situation. And he knows, or SHOULD, that I try to be REALLY consistent about following through. He had time and warning to let me know that I didn't NEED to call her. That he had worked out a solution.

Relationships

One of the things I struggle with and David and I have had MANY arguments over, are the way people see relationships differently.

I grew up in a Single Parent home. We lived with My Mom's Parents. I had My Aunts, and Cousins around ALL the time. All of My Grandparents are deceased.

David grew up in a Traditional 2 Parent, 4 Children home. He has a relationship with his Extended Family, but not like I had with My Extended Family. His Grandparents are all still living.


The only way I can describe how are views differ is to give examples.

The most recent being the other night.

I have a Friend who is married to a Man who has been married before. And in my opinion, the relationship he has with his Ex-Wife is weird. It seems very hot and cold. He HATES her, and can't say enough about how horrible she is. But she's not only very involved in their Kids' lives, but the lives of the kids he has with his new wife.

There's also (with David and me) the fact that I see relationships very much in black and white. And I think David sees a lot of gray. What I really think is that David knows the gray isn't ok, but doesn't want to admit it.

Like with Jared. It was black and white. My marriage was OVER. I was emotionally DONE. And David knew from day ONE where I stood. That he was pushing it too far, and I was not going to stay around and deal with it anymore. That I was ready to be done and move on.... with the best results possible for the Girls' sake.

I din't pretend at ALL that I was willing to work things out. Which is one reason I got a restraining order FIRST thing. I wanted clear outlined limits. I wanted financial obligations defined, and property settled UP FRONT.

And so while I will admit that what took place between Jared and myself was handled inappropriately, and I had to deal with the consequences, I believe (and the Church approached it) it was more as though I had been Single and been involved with him than as though I had been married and involved with him.

But then there's the "thing" with a couple of David's ex girlfriends. I think he blurs the line sometimes. The "thing" that I mentioned from few years ago where he was talking to his ex girlfriend. And in my mind, the conversations they were having were JUST as bad as having a relationship. But to David, it was too gray to be Bad. Even if he couldn't classify it as white.

Another example is that after I went downstairs to sleep the other night, David came down, and tried to pick a fight. He went off on how if I wanted the kind of relationship his ex girlfriend had with his Grandma, then I should be putting more effort into it.

And I see it as I am married to him. Therefore, it doesn't MATTER if I put in that extra effort or not, I not SHE am still his Wife. And whether his Grandma and I have a close relationship or not, SHE (the ex) still has No CLAIM on it.

I'm not trying to go back to a fight that is done and over with.

I just think it's interesting how people view relationships so differently.

It also goes along with Favoritism. And how so many people don't realize, or won't admit that they do it.

I am fiercely loyal. And I try really hard to be the same "temperature" all the time rather than switching between 2 extremes. And people who are hot and cold, or passive/aggressive give me whiplash! If I liked you yesterday, I like you today, and will like you tomorrow. UNLESS you do something that causes problems for me. I try to never close doors on people and Friendships. But I won't be abused either. And I'm sorry, but we live in a world where people ARE hot one minute and cold the next. And those people often make it almost impossible NOT to be (or appear) passive/aggressive when dealing with them. I once read a quote that said something along the lines of "Don't argue with crazy people, others might not be able to tell which one of you is the crazy one." And it's just like Ginger said about how the "Crazies scare off the Non Crazies."

Anyhow, I realized recently just how much respect I have for people who are able to make up their mind about a topic, and stick with it. Of course, moderation in all things right?! Otherwise, it can turn into being judgmental, and closed minded. But that right there is exactly why BALANCE is so important!

My Husband

So, I know we have some Really bad days around here. But at least 345 days out of the year, I have THE BEST HUSBAND in the world. I think that's what gets me through the bad days.

Days like today remind me of this.

Let me just give you a few examples.

If I want to go out.... He backs me up, and takes care of the Children so I can go.

If I want to have people over.... He backs me up, and helps me clean, and usually cooks.

Tonight, I just decided that I wanted to invite people over next weekend. The first he heard of it was reading along as I typed the post inviting people over. And, he helped me grammar check and edit words, but that's it. No complaints, no questions.

If I enjoy something.... he does everything he can to make sure I get exposure to it as often as possible.

If I have a passion or belief in something.... he tries to support it. And sometimes that means backing me up even when he doesn't see or understand the appeal.

He lets me sleep in. He lets me eat whatever I want. And if I decide I want to go for a walk by myself, he takes care of the Children so I can go. He likes my body, even when I don't. He makes me feel attractive, when I look in the mirror and see anything BUT.

He Picks out GOOD names for our Children... I have heard of Husbands picking out some CRAZY names.... and that's not a concern I have with him.

On this Mother's Day, I am Incredibly grateful for My Husband!

Mother's Day

I like so many others feel quite blessed.... although I think due to to lack of the proper amount of sleep, the Girls (specifically the 2 older ones) have been a little bit like little Terrorists today (sabotaging and undermining EVERYTHING)....

Due to our current financial situation, it's been a modest celebration. However, we were able to spend yesterday doing what I LOVED and it was one of the best days I can even imagine. That combined with David's kindness and hard work over the past 36 hours or so really makes it absolutely WONDERFUL.

David spent a block of time last night after we went to bed telling me how much he appreciates what I do as a The Mother of His Children, and how much he loves me.

This morning, he got up with the Children, and at 9:30 am (at LEAST an hour and a half after the Children got up) he brought them upstairs to wake me up with "Happy Mother's Day."

We made it to Sacrament Meeting, however right before it started, a girl from our Ward threw up all down the hall. So with Ginger's Girls being sick and from the sounds and looks of it, something yucky going around, we decided after they passed out the Single Long Stemmed Rose to each Mother, to head home.

After helping me get the Children into the house, David set about cleaning the kitchen and making Deviled Eggs while I leisurely napped in the recliner while the Children watched "Alice In Wonderland."

*Sigh* (GOOD Sigh! ;-)

This is how we GOT four Children. ;-) They say it takes a Woman HOURS to work up to a fulfilling sexual experience... and it starts with how Her Husband treats her when they first speak or see eachother for the day. Because that is going to determine whether she feels loved and cared for enough to even WANT to be intimate. Then, as the day progresses and they share experiences, it can progress, until finally when the Children are in bed, and the house is settled, she feels content, and full of LOVE for him as she cuddles up next to him. And THAT is what determines the level of intimacy and fulfillment that comes from their time together.

Vernal

Well, I guess I have figured out the "secret" to getting through to David when I'm mad. He went to bed while I was typing my post last night. And when I was done, I (thinking he was prolly asleep, but didn't care either way) went into our room, took a couple of pillows from my side of the bed, went downstairs to the futon, and got myself comfortable without a WORD. Not 2 min layer, he came storming downstairs. It was 1 am at this point. I informed him that I was trying to be mature about the situation, and get to bed since we had an early morning. And told him that if he didn't get to bed ASAP, there was NO way I was going to allow myself or the Children to ride to Vernal with him because I couldn't risk him falling asleep while driving. I also told him that if he was going to let the situation with Alicia (his ex) and FB stop us from going today, then he really WAS choosing HER over me.

He went upstairs, got my phone (for an alarm clock) and came and lay down on the floor next to the futon. He said he was "Sorry for hurting my feelings." ANd when I mentioned that he wasn't going to get any sleep on the floor, he said "Then come upstairs to bed with me, because I need to sleep next to my Wife tonight."

I told him that going upstairs with him was my contribution to making things better, and that was that.

This morning went surprisingly well. ESPECIALLY when you consider that all though it is normal for me to be up till the wee hours of the morning, it is NOT normal for me to be up at 5 am.... which I DID manage this morning. We had everyone out the door at 7 am on the DOT! We stopped by Smith's for some doughnuts and drinks, and were officially on the road by 7:15.

WE made it to Vernal by 9:15, got all 4 Children into the church, diapers changed, and we were out the door before 9:30. Our Session at the Temple didn't start until 11. So, we had and hour and a half to kill. David sat in the Chapel until I got there at about 10:30 (I chose to do some Initiatories to kill some time.) We were asked to be the Witness Couple for the Session.

The experience at the Temple was AWESOME. I had NOTHING on my mind, and David and I were getting along SUPERBLY! (the topic from the night before, well, we both realized it just wasn't worth continuing to discuss ;-)

For ONCE I had NOTHING on my mind. No worries, nothing I was stressed about (it was all waiting for me outside, but for those 3 hours it was just quiet in my busy mind ;-)

We got done, got changed, and walked over to the Church to get the Children. Where we were greeted with news of how well Jacob did! YAY! It took us about an hour to get everyone collected and loaded. Then we headed home.

Just over the State Line into Wyoming, there is a Country Store/Restaurant where we stopped to stretch our legs and so I could switch seats with Elizabeth who we found out on the way TO the Temple, gets car sick (fortunately, we found out there was a problem BEFORE she threw up! So she sat upfront through the 20 miles or so of switch backs and crazy turns... and then we switched.... since the back is a bit cramped for a Child of MY size ;-). I found a Moose bell for $5 and David bought it for me. ♥

We were home by 5:30. And the fight from the night before was done and forgotten.

Holy PISSED off Batman.

OMGOSH!!!!!!! I am such a complainer!!!! Yet I am at it again! ;-)

David's EX-Girlfriend from Jr High called David's Grandma "Grandma" tonight on a post on FB. I don't even call her that. And the Ex-Girlfriend has only met David's Grandma a couple of of times.

SHE CALLED HER GRANDMA. AND DAVID CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS BOTHERS ME. Oh, wait, I guess, Reader, I better fill you in.....

This was going to be a totally DIFFERENT entry. Until as I started to write, David got upset over my having a problem with his EX GIRLFRIEND calling his Grandma "Grandma."

So, now we're on to the fact that when we first moved to GR, David had a series of conversations on line with this Ex Girlfriend, that I had NO idea about until HER HUSBAND showed them to me. They were VERY inappropriate conversations. And for a while, I would not speak to her.... and yes, I gave David an ultimatum to not have any contact with her if he wanted to be with me.

Slowly, we were able to be Friends again.

And now, when my issue with her calling his Grandma "Grandma" came up, he took HER side. And yet, he has been known on several occasions to remind ME of my past mistakes. But I don't EVER defend Jared.

Here's the issue if you don't know WHY I am so upset: I often feel like I am a second class citizen in David's Family. My post a few days ago on favoritism. And I think it SUCKS that she gets to be the "Granddaughter" to a Woman whom she barely knows, but who is part of MY Family. I have worked HARD for my role as David's Wife.... and yet....

And now David and I aren't speaking. And he SERIOUSLY can't see why I'm upset about this.

The most OBVIOUS thing is that HE is being so defensive about this. Which tells ME that on SOME level, he GETS that it's a problem.

Wanna go Home

I LOVE my life. But I often feel like something's missing. And I never can put my finger on it. I think the best way to describe it is that I KNOW I've got so much potential, and so much to do with my life, and I want to get to the point where I can do it all.

Then on a bit of a different note ♫, David has more or less DARED me to keep my mouth shut if I get Pregnant. Not even tell HIM! ☺ So, it's on. If I get pregnant, I am keeping it to myself until people start noticing on their own. I'm gonna have fun with this because I'm not telling ANYONE. AND to top it off, I'm NOT finding out the gender this next time. (can you tell I'm needing some thing NON Dramatic to shake things up a bit ;-)

A Little Help from my Friends

Can't even believe today. It started fine. We even made it to the park. Of course then the weather got chilly and looked stormy, and it was all down hill from there. But Fortunately, the things that went wrong were only surface.... all though they stung. We got a call saying that the job in Alaska is on hold for the time being. HOWEVER, when they DO interview, David is at the top of the list. BUT that could be June, or it could be February. And while having 2 parents available 24/7 is sure a lot easier than ONE parent, it doesn't do much for our financial plans ;-).

So, then I had a coupon for a free 48 oz carton of ice cream at Smith's that I just HAD to use. And some how, thanks to shallow pockets, I not only lost the COUPON, but $20 (we only had $40) as well. Which SUCKED because we had really been trying to be conservative. Since I went to a movie, I gave up my book (s) that I really want to get. So, that FREE ice cream actually cost us $25.

I come home, and yeah, it sucks ROYALLY that we're stuck possibly even LONGER in this situation, PLUS down $20, BUT David and I are getting along, the kids are doing realitively well, and when I have this kind of luck, I usually end up in jail and that ALWAYS costs us a MIN of $150.... so $20 isn't so bad in relation.

I'm really seeing the glass as half full, but really the only word to describe my thoughts is "SHIT!" ( which I said over and over again as I scoured Smith's for my missing $ and coupon)

And even though I actually apologized UPFRONT for my "abrasive" language, it's MY page, and I wanted to share "Shit!" ;-)

But there always has to be that ONE person, who not only doesn't understand the "pain" but has to make it about THEM. So, one of my Friends from HS, gets offended, and handles it ok, but NOT how the situation NEEDED to be handled. And Ginger hit it RIGHT on the head when she said that the person "...really knows how to pump a girl up when she's down, don't she? Maybe Terrenna should hide your status's if she don't like 'em. :D And I say this with love..." EXACTLY! I needed to be "pumped up" and EVERYONE could either see that and show their support, or see it enough to know NOT to get openly offended. So here I am trying to show Terrenna that I understand, but what she said didn't help any, and she goes one step farther and gets openly offended about offending me.

Meanwhile, I am trying to get in touch with My Mom. Who is not answering her phone or her door even though her car is home. My half full glass was draining REAL fast.

But seriously. Ginger came to the rescue so thoroughly. Because all I really needed was someone to understand. Then Kim. And David was GOLDEN. Then when I DID finally get a hold of My Mom, even she was above and beyond.

And I learned a few valuable lessons.... or rather had them emphasized since I've kind of learned them a bit ago:

1) I have a pretty positive attitude.
2) I am VERY blessed.
3) Education is Key. Terrenna could only be so offended over something so small because she lives in a box.
4) The TRUE show of someone's self esteem is how they treat people when they are hurt. Someone with a low self esteem will try to bring others down to their level, while someone with a healthy self esteem will HATE the thought of someone else feeling the way they currently feel and will try to elevate others.... which is the only REAL medicine for feeling bad about yourself, and pays off.
5) Along with #4, there are things, situations, what have you, that you can only understand if you've experienced it. And people will normally not take your word for it on THESE situations because they SEEM like a gamble. However these situations have "circle" type remedies: You feel bad about yourself, so you try to help someone else, rather than wallow. This leads to a sense of making a difference, which boosts YOUR feeling of self worth, which leads to a higher self esteem, which leads to more contribution. Love works the same way. So does helping/taking care of others.

House Hunting

I got online today to see, since we very well might not get "Our" house, what kinds of houses are for rent. And was pleasantly surprised to find a whole LIST of 5+ bedroom homes for a very decent price. :-)

Support me. Believe in me.

I have really struggled with the support/lack of I receive from the people I am close to. My Mom, and David are so supportive..... SOMETIMES.

My Mom fascinates me. I don't think she has any idea what kind of a difference it would make if she had a little more faith in me. We were talking tonight for the 1st time in almost a week (since I told her I was going to the Passion Party and she got all "judgmental" on me). And I dropped the "bomb" that I KNOW she hates. Why, I don't understand. But it doesn't matter if it's the 1st or 5th Child. But I told her I want to get pregnant again.

Now, I KNOW I'm not the World's Best Mom. But I also know that I am FAR from the worst. I LOVE My Children. They KNOW I love them. I am upfront and honest about what I feel and think..... but even beyond that. I make SURE that I show them every day. I tell them that I am not perfect, but that I love them and will no matter what. I don't withhold affection. I dote on them.... TO them. I expect them to treat each other and others with respect, and despite my imperfections, I try really hard to set the example. There is NOTHING that I do that doesn't have their best interest in mind. I believe that for the most part, they all fell safe, loved, appreciated, and that they are in an environment where they can be THEM and feel secure in that.

And with our belief system, I feel like there are more Children meant for our Family.

And My Mom of all people SHOULD understand that. And it'd be different if this was how she reacted after I'd had a few. But she reacted this exact same way when it was Elizabeth I was announcing my pregnancy with.

Then there's David. He is so perfect for me when we're getting along. But he resists change... even though he says he wants it.

When we separated and ultimately divorced, he was really fighting me on the whole food storage thing. And now, he's a firm believer. He's currently SERIOUSLY resisting the schedule idea. I have no doubt that in time he'll come to see the benefits. Just as he did the food storage.

I am a dreamer. I am a striver. I see things in the future that I WANT, and I begin working for them. As I've said before, my "Good Luck" follows an "If you build it, it will come" pattern. So I have learned to "dress for the job I want" rather than be satisfied dressing for the "job I have." I love My Family, and I want them to have the best chance for success in ALL the attempt.

Who's plan is this anyway

So, here it is. And I've just realized that I want to get pregnant this year. And my life seems so up in the air. I think I just am wanting things settled.

I want David to get this job. I want this house. I want to have Jacob's birthday party in this house. And I want to have a Baby in the summer of 2011. Yup. that pretty much sums it up. And I don't know if ANY of that is in the plan for me.

BUT even taking away the pregnancy, I don't want to wait any longer to fall into a routine in a place where we FIT.

OBVIOUS "Hidden" discrepancies

I get tired of people who tell me they don't favor one person over another who then seem to go out of their WAY to show that they DO.

I especially hate this when it comes to Family. I have been "downgraded" several times because it's just not "fair" to show me and My Family "special" treatment. But then, wait. That only seems to apply to US.

I HATE seeing "Friends" or even EX Girlfriends of David "connect" with "Family" on a level that they would NEVER try with Us.

"special" treatment, and preferences ALWAYS exist. And trying to pretend they don't is just dishonest. SO just TELL me you like them better and let me go where I feel cared about for Heavens sake.

It's just a house

I am sure so many of you are sick of hearing about this house. But I cannot tell you how this house just FITS us. It's like I came up with a plan for how I wanted my life to go, and this house just fits that spot in the puzzle. But it's a LONG shot! First of all, we don't have the BEST credit. Then there's the price. And add to that the fact that someone is going to be leasing it as of June 1st unless we can, in the next 29 days, get approved for the loan.

But my faith in God, and the things I have experienced tell me that it's possible that with HIS blessing, and help, the impossible isn't impossible.

I do know that it will bless not only our lives, but I see a lot of good that I can do with the location and space this house would provide.

One thing I want to look into is My Mom moving in with us. David and I have talked about this, and think it would actually work in a house like this. It has a segment of the basement that would give her the space she needs to still live independently and interact with us when she wanted. It has 2 kitchens, one right off of a bedroom, and "playroom" (that doesn't HAVE to be a playroom) so if she wanted to cook her own food and eat downstairs while she watched tv, she could. There is a separate entrance in that same segment of the house with NO stairs. Which means she can come and go without even having to see us, and she wouldn't have to deal with her knees bothering her going up and down the stairs. The ONLY thing she would have to go anywhere to use is the bathroom. The one in the basement is down the hall by the Kids rooms, but when she showers in the morning, they'll be asleep. And at the ages they're at, they don't even really need to use that bathroom.

Anyway, that's just ONE thing that this house would provide. There's also the fact that Elizabeth just CAN'T share a room. We've struggled with this since Elysia was a baby. And Jacob needs his own room too. Elysia and Abby could prolly share a room until they're ready to move out, but that still means we really need a min of 4 bedrooms. Then there's the fact that I really WANT two more pregnancies. So that's a min of one more bedroom.

So the original 4, +1, + My Mom leaves us ONE bedroom in this house. And that's really not much extra space. So it's not like we want this enormous house when we only NEED half the space. Especially when you add me homeschooling.

Then considering that I won't have the Playgroup here if we move. I want to be able to do something like it. The space of this house + the yard would let me be able to have something like that and be able to invite people over.

And I've already said that I LOVE having people over. I would host EVERY holiday if I could. And in this house, I COULD.

Again, this house is just PERFECT.

Our House

We just spoke to Laramie, the Realtor handling the house in Tooele. It turns out that the family selling the house is signing papers to Lease it to someone for 2 years. We have to have a pre approval in hand by June 1st if we want to buy it.... which is what they prefer to do. So, if David gets this job in Alaska, and we have an actual offer from them by the 21st of May, we might actually have a chance. Otherwise, we can pretty much let it go and look elsewhere.

I know it's just a house. And I truly want what God has in mind for Our Family. Because I KNOW He cares, and knows best. But I have so many plans and dreams that work so well with this house that I can't even imagine finding one more perfect for us. And I really will be truly sad if we have to find a different house to turn into our home.