So, since I posted all about yesterday, without a conclusion after going to bed last night: It turns out that I was arrested over $25. I had overlooked the last $25 on a fine from a year and a half ago.
The other $296, was a collection, and a Civil Matter. Not why I was arrested. We still had to pay it, but really, we paid it for our peace of mind, not because that was what it was going to take for me to go home. It was a collection that put our van at risk (stupid though it was) and so since my mom provided the $, we paid it off.
The Court, it turns out will give you $15 credit toward fines for every day that you are in jail. So, the judge gave me credit for yesterday, and today (even though I was technically only there 1 full day (from last night till this afternoon)equalling $30 which wiped out the $25. So that was just completely dropped and around 12:30 this afternoon, I got my stuff, and walked out of there. (With permission of course ;-)
STUPID! Which is why I Hate the system... but that's a topic for another time!
Certainly NOT worth the emotional and mental stress it put on me and my Family. It turns out the paper (the actual Warrant) even said that I could just pay the $25 and didn't have to appear before the judge... ergo, I did Not need to be arrested.
Oh well, right.
Tonight we have the peace of mind that comes with knowing we're a bit more squared away than yesterday, so.....
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
OMG
I have a new song on my Playlist. It is by Usher and called OMG. It is actually Oh My GOSH. NOT.... well, you know what I'm saying. So, if you hear it, or see the title, before you judge it too harshly, really listen, and you will hear the "Sh" at the end ;-) It's a pretty good song.
** - My explanation on my HORROR at the idea of going to Jail
THIS POST MAKES MORE SENSE IF YOU READ THE PREVIOUS POST What a Day FIRST.
*****************************************************
I have always handled myself relatively calmly in the exact same situation in the past. I mean what good does it really do to struggle. Then you just end up in a worse situation because they start tacking on things like "Resisting Arrest," "Failure to Comply," etc. And then, should your initial charges turn out to be nothing, as was the case with me.... because I truly hadn't DONE anything, you're stuck because you've made you situation into something where there was originally nothing.
And I CANNOT describe to you what going to jail does to me mentally and emotionally. I fight for the purpose of staying WITH my Children. My whole purpose in the part I played in past incidents was to KEEP MY Children WITH ME. SO to then be taken away from them is very traumatic for me. Jail is not prison. Jail is not the end of the world. However, let me tell you what Jail IS. It is a place where once you are there, you have almost NO control over what happens to your life next. The Sheriff's Department, Lawyers, etc... Basically the "System" now controls you life.
And I understand this.... for the reason of enforcing the law, this makes sense.
But here is what happens. An Officer of the Law decides you need to be taken into custody for whatever reason. At that point your only real option is compliance whether they are right or wrong. They come up with a "reason" for why they are taking you into custody, and from this point on, it is your whole purpose in life to either accept this, or attempt to prove them wrong. Then the time continuum becomes part of the Twilight Zone. If you are arrested on a weekday (besides Friday) chances are you will go to court the next day to hear from the judge what you are being charged with. However, the Judge may call in the next day and that means you will not go until the day after that. If you are unfortunate enough to be arrested on a Friday, Saturady or Holiday... well, you get to wait until court is in session next. Meanwhile, you are NOT guaranteed a phone call. The whole thing about "My One Phone Call," is all movie generated. If they are busy or cranky in the booking area, you are just SOL. Meanwhile you are in a Holding Cell.... or basically the first of many stages of a Purgatory like existence. Once you are booked into jail (fingerprinted, mug shots, etc.) which can take HOURS, they have you change into "their" clothes (which means removing EVERYTHING you were already wearing including underwear or Garments (In FRONT of a guard of the same gender). Then, they send you to your cell. And at that point there are NO phones except the kind that require either a calling card or for you to make a collect call.
A calling card can only be acquired by filling out a request on paper, PLUS this can only be done if you either came in with money or someone puts money in your "account".... You get the chance once a day to do this (fill out the request). And if you have missed that chance, you have to wait to fill out your request until the next day. After you turn in the request, it takes approx. 1 day to get the calling card. So, for the first 24 to 48 hours, you have 2 options if you want to contact ANYONE: Beg calling card usage off of someone who has been there long enough to have one.... who you prolly have never seen before in your life, or be lucky enough to have someone who you can call collect.... which is expensive through their system ($50 for 15 minutes).
They will let you know if the Bail request you filled out upon entering the Jail has been granted, and how much that bail is.... when they get around to it. But in order for anyone on the outside to get the information you either have to call them (via the methods already discussed) or they have to periodically check in with the Jail. If you are one of the lucky few who came into the jail with over $50 (or an ATM/Debit Card), this is easy... and you might get to go home immediately. If you have to, you can call a Bondsman, and if you already have the amount of $ the Bondsman requires to help you, your home free until your decided court date (they will tell you this as you leave).
They will let you know when you are going to court... when they get around to it. But in order for anyone on the outside to get the information you either have to call them (via the methods already discussed) or they have to periodically check in with the Jail.
Once you get to court...for some it is a day, for others, Yes, it can actually be a week or more depending on your circumstances... You then are presented with your charges, what they mean and allowed to plead guilty or not. It is actually easier to plead guilty that not. Once you have plead guilty, you are sentenced, and you leave the court to either go back to jail to fulfill you sentence, or home. If you plead NOT Guilty, you then have to go through whether you can provide your own attorney, or if you need one appointed to you through the State. Then they have to set Bail until your next court date. This is actually the most painful part. You see, although you are "Innocent until proven Guilty," they base your bail amount on how likely you are to run or how big of a threat they believe you pose to society between the present and your next court date. You are then taken back to Jail until your Bail is paid to the court by either you (or someone representing you) or a Bondsman. That can be a matter of hours, days, or weeks.
Of course, the biggest reasons for the amount of trauma this situation causes me are that I am not one who is fortunate enough to have the $50 + available to me on the spot, and some major effort goes into acquiring the amount required to Bail me out as well as getting me a calling card. And the fact that I am isolated from My Husband and Children until further notice.
*****************************************************
I have always handled myself relatively calmly in the exact same situation in the past. I mean what good does it really do to struggle. Then you just end up in a worse situation because they start tacking on things like "Resisting Arrest," "Failure to Comply," etc. And then, should your initial charges turn out to be nothing, as was the case with me.... because I truly hadn't DONE anything, you're stuck because you've made you situation into something where there was originally nothing.
And I CANNOT describe to you what going to jail does to me mentally and emotionally. I fight for the purpose of staying WITH my Children. My whole purpose in the part I played in past incidents was to KEEP MY Children WITH ME. SO to then be taken away from them is very traumatic for me. Jail is not prison. Jail is not the end of the world. However, let me tell you what Jail IS. It is a place where once you are there, you have almost NO control over what happens to your life next. The Sheriff's Department, Lawyers, etc... Basically the "System" now controls you life.
And I understand this.... for the reason of enforcing the law, this makes sense.
But here is what happens. An Officer of the Law decides you need to be taken into custody for whatever reason. At that point your only real option is compliance whether they are right or wrong. They come up with a "reason" for why they are taking you into custody, and from this point on, it is your whole purpose in life to either accept this, or attempt to prove them wrong. Then the time continuum becomes part of the Twilight Zone. If you are arrested on a weekday (besides Friday) chances are you will go to court the next day to hear from the judge what you are being charged with. However, the Judge may call in the next day and that means you will not go until the day after that. If you are unfortunate enough to be arrested on a Friday, Saturady or Holiday... well, you get to wait until court is in session next. Meanwhile, you are NOT guaranteed a phone call. The whole thing about "My One Phone Call," is all movie generated. If they are busy or cranky in the booking area, you are just SOL. Meanwhile you are in a Holding Cell.... or basically the first of many stages of a Purgatory like existence. Once you are booked into jail (fingerprinted, mug shots, etc.) which can take HOURS, they have you change into "their" clothes (which means removing EVERYTHING you were already wearing including underwear or Garments (In FRONT of a guard of the same gender). Then, they send you to your cell. And at that point there are NO phones except the kind that require either a calling card or for you to make a collect call.
A calling card can only be acquired by filling out a request on paper, PLUS this can only be done if you either came in with money or someone puts money in your "account".... You get the chance once a day to do this (fill out the request). And if you have missed that chance, you have to wait to fill out your request until the next day. After you turn in the request, it takes approx. 1 day to get the calling card. So, for the first 24 to 48 hours, you have 2 options if you want to contact ANYONE: Beg calling card usage off of someone who has been there long enough to have one.... who you prolly have never seen before in your life, or be lucky enough to have someone who you can call collect.... which is expensive through their system ($50 for 15 minutes).
They will let you know if the Bail request you filled out upon entering the Jail has been granted, and how much that bail is.... when they get around to it. But in order for anyone on the outside to get the information you either have to call them (via the methods already discussed) or they have to periodically check in with the Jail. If you are one of the lucky few who came into the jail with over $50 (or an ATM/Debit Card), this is easy... and you might get to go home immediately. If you have to, you can call a Bondsman, and if you already have the amount of $ the Bondsman requires to help you, your home free until your decided court date (they will tell you this as you leave).
They will let you know when you are going to court... when they get around to it. But in order for anyone on the outside to get the information you either have to call them (via the methods already discussed) or they have to periodically check in with the Jail.
Once you get to court...for some it is a day, for others, Yes, it can actually be a week or more depending on your circumstances... You then are presented with your charges, what they mean and allowed to plead guilty or not. It is actually easier to plead guilty that not. Once you have plead guilty, you are sentenced, and you leave the court to either go back to jail to fulfill you sentence, or home. If you plead NOT Guilty, you then have to go through whether you can provide your own attorney, or if you need one appointed to you through the State. Then they have to set Bail until your next court date. This is actually the most painful part. You see, although you are "Innocent until proven Guilty," they base your bail amount on how likely you are to run or how big of a threat they believe you pose to society between the present and your next court date. You are then taken back to Jail until your Bail is paid to the court by either you (or someone representing you) or a Bondsman. That can be a matter of hours, days, or weeks.
Of course, the biggest reasons for the amount of trauma this situation causes me are that I am not one who is fortunate enough to have the $50 + available to me on the spot, and some major effort goes into acquiring the amount required to Bail me out as well as getting me a calling card. And the fact that I am isolated from My Husband and Children until further notice.
What a Day!!!!!
Yesterday was a very interesting day!
Let me paint a picture for you:
David had to take care of some things in Rock Springs. He had an 8:00 am appointment that he had to be to, and decided to take care of all of the RS stuff in one trip to save on gas.
The past few months, with David not working, he has been handling the mornings around here. I get more done after the kids are in bed, so I have been taking advantage of David being home and have been staying up late to get things done, and then sleeping in. I also have a somewhat weak immune system that has been something I have struggled with a lot recently.... in a nutshell, I've been sick a lot lately. ;-) So, another good reason to take advantage of David being home and able to take the "morning shift."
With David leaving at 7:30 am, it was my turn to take care of the Kids when they got up. (well, I mean since technically that is still my job ;-)
I got up when Jacob woke up around 8:30. The Girls were up just after he was. I got everyone changed, fed, and busy playing, and got on the computer. Stephanie Fleming told me that she was thinking of coming to GR to go to the park... so we planned for 1:00 pm, and I set to work getting everyone ready and asked David to be home to pick us up at 12:30.
We were ready to go right on time. David took the Children out to put them in the van. I heard a car pull up but didn't think too much of it.
A few minutes later, I walked out to find a Woman from the Sheriff's Department talking to David. He said, "Candace, this Woman has something for you." She is someone we have seen before.... a couple of years ago, we had a string of incidents that have long since been resolved. So there are a few Legal Figures (GRPD, Sheriff's Department, Judge, Clerks, etc) that we have become acquainted with, and she is one of them.
She Served me with a document telling me that I owed a sum of $ (under $400) to a collection agency, and that because of this, they were claiming the right to seize my personal property to pay the debt... specifically the van (Which is technically MINE, and valued at an amount a bit higher than $400)
David, trying to protect me from having to deal with her and what ever she was wanting with me, had told her I was not home. I, not knowing that she was even here, let alone that he had told her I was not home, walked out the door right in the middle of his talking to her.
She gave me the paper, told me I might want to look into it, and got into her car.
David then told me what had taken place. His intentions were Gold despite how the situation turned out.
We then went to the park to meet up with Stephanie, Nicole, and Ashley. With the van being our sole mode of transportation, I was very stressed over the thought that they might try to take it... we own it free and clear, thereby eliminating the possibility that it can be repoed. The Park Date was perfect for taking my mind off of the problem. We stayed at the park until around 4:00 pm.
I then called my mom to gripe about the van situation. Commenting that as my blog says, "You can't make this "Stuff" up." And that this sort of stuff only seems to happen to me.
We got home; fed, bathed, and got the Children to bed; and got ourselves showered. I had just gotten out of the shower, and we were discussing what WE (David and I) were going to eat(it is normal routine here for us to get the children fed and to bed and THEN eat dinner ourselves (just easier sometimes.)
Elizabeth has had problems the past few weeks with doing what she's supposed to when she's in the bedroom that she shares with her sisters. So we have started getting the other 2 Girls to bed, and then Elizabeth comes downstairs with us and sits on the couch basically until she falls asleep.
So, Elizabeth was sitting on the couch, Jacob and the other 2 Girls were in their beds, and I was on the computer. Jacob started crying, so David was getting him a bottle. Someone knocked on our door.
Now let me just tell you: it may sound a little bit paranoid but due to our past experiences, we do not answer our door unless we are expecting someone. And we were not expecting anyone.
David looked out and said "It's someone from the Sheriff's Department." We haven't been breaking any laws, and figured that they were there to give us the same paperwork we had received earlier from the Woman.
So, we ignored them. David went upstairs to take care of Jacob.
I felt that it was a good idea to take Elizabeth upstairs too until they left.
As I was walking her up the stairs, the front door, which was unlocked, opened, and a Man said "Candace?"
I came back downstairs, and went to the front door where two large MALE Sheriff's Deputies were waiting. They made sure I was "Candace" and then one of them said "Can you get some shoes on and step outside, we have some papers to discuss with you."
I am not proud of this, and it's from a period where things were a disaster between David and I, but I went to jail a few times right before our divorce. And have not only vowed to NEVER go back, but when David and I decided to get remarried, I made him SWEAR to me that I would never again be placed in a situation because of his actions where I would go to jail.
So when they asked me to come outside, I said "OK, but I'm not going anywhere." To which they replied "Yes. You are."
I asked them "Why?" and they informed me that I had 2 Warrants out for my arrest. I told them that was impossible. Rather than explaining anything further than that a designated amount of $ was involved and that they were both described as "Failure to Pay," they just kept insisting I put my shoes on and come with them.
David and Jacob had come downstairs and were observing from the living room (which is directly off of the kitchen) where Elizabeth was.
I immediately went into panic mode.** (I KNEW I hadn't done anything wrong, and David and I haven't had a knock down, drag out fight since the divorce. I learned my lesson over a year ago and my temper has gotten WELL under control since our past experiences.) And backed up to be more in the kitchen where I felt "safe."
They entered the kitchen (Our town house's front door open up into the kitchen, so that is the first room you enter), and proceeded to say things like "Don't make this harder than it has to be," and "You have to come with us, so please put your shoes on." I hadn't eaten and honestly began to black out due to the combination of stress and low blood sugar. Meanwhile, one of the Officers actually located my shoes and put them right in front of my feet for me to put on.
I asked them if I could make some phone calls with them right there to attempt to get the $ so I didn't have to go with them. They informed me that I had to come with them, and that David could then take care of the phone calls and securing the $ and then bring it over to the Jail. I told them I hadn't eaten, and they said that would be addressed at the Jail.
They asked me to cooperate so that they didn't have to make a scene in front of My Children (I did not know Elizabeth had come down the stairs and was in the living room). I told them I was not trying to be difficult but that I was not ok with going with them under the vague circumstances. They threatened to put me on the ground to cuff me if needs be. At one point I am pretty sure I even saw the more vocal AND obnoxious of the 2 put his hand on the snap of the harness for his taser.
I told them that I KNEW that once I got to the Jail, I would have no contact with anyone. They told me that if I stopped giving them a hard time, they would make sure I got a phone call to David as soon as I was done being processed into the Jail.
I conceded finally. And asked David if he had a plan. He told me he did, so I put my sandals on (that they had placed in front of my feet) and walked out the door. As soon as we were outside, I was handcuffed TIGHTLY, and placed in a Big White SUV.
I Cried and snotted non stop all the way to the Sweetwater County Jail which is about 10 miles East of GR.
About half way there I made another comment about having not eaten, and that I knew dinner was long over. The officer driving me told me that he would make sure I got SOMETHING to eat once we got there.
I continued to quietly cry and snot in the back seat.
When we got into the jail, a Female Guard came out to meet us and "collect" me. She asked me how I was... this of course was answered by me with a fresh wave of tears and embarrassing snotting. The Officer told her that I was a bit emotional.
He got me into the Jail, turned me over, mentioned the phone call to the other Officers, and left. Never ONCE saying ANYTHING to ANYONE about my needing to eat.
Meanwhile Poor David was trying to help Elizabeth deal with the situation, take care of Jacob, and get the $ together to get me out before I had to spend the night. However, it was already after 9:30 pm.
I got booked in and processed relatively quickly. The Officers handling everything were very nice and Friendly which of course helped. Then I was allowed to call David. I was about the only one to come in last night, so I was able to talk to David and even Elizabeth for almost 25 minutes. David and I were able to discuss the situation, and he told me that at 9:00 am, my mom could have the $322 it was going to take to satisfy the situation so that I could leave. We decided that there was prolly no chance of me getting out before having to spend the night, and that was bearable.
I got off of the phone with him, was taken to "dress" (change my clothes), and then sent to my cell to go to bed. It was after 10:30 pm.
I had a "roomie" who had already claimed the bottom bunk, so I made up my top bunk, and climbed up for a LONG very restless night with little sleep.
** = Explanation of my Panic on the post that follows
Let me paint a picture for you:
David had to take care of some things in Rock Springs. He had an 8:00 am appointment that he had to be to, and decided to take care of all of the RS stuff in one trip to save on gas.
The past few months, with David not working, he has been handling the mornings around here. I get more done after the kids are in bed, so I have been taking advantage of David being home and have been staying up late to get things done, and then sleeping in. I also have a somewhat weak immune system that has been something I have struggled with a lot recently.... in a nutshell, I've been sick a lot lately. ;-) So, another good reason to take advantage of David being home and able to take the "morning shift."
With David leaving at 7:30 am, it was my turn to take care of the Kids when they got up. (well, I mean since technically that is still my job ;-)
I got up when Jacob woke up around 8:30. The Girls were up just after he was. I got everyone changed, fed, and busy playing, and got on the computer. Stephanie Fleming told me that she was thinking of coming to GR to go to the park... so we planned for 1:00 pm, and I set to work getting everyone ready and asked David to be home to pick us up at 12:30.
We were ready to go right on time. David took the Children out to put them in the van. I heard a car pull up but didn't think too much of it.
A few minutes later, I walked out to find a Woman from the Sheriff's Department talking to David. He said, "Candace, this Woman has something for you." She is someone we have seen before.... a couple of years ago, we had a string of incidents that have long since been resolved. So there are a few Legal Figures (GRPD, Sheriff's Department, Judge, Clerks, etc) that we have become acquainted with, and she is one of them.
She Served me with a document telling me that I owed a sum of $ (under $400) to a collection agency, and that because of this, they were claiming the right to seize my personal property to pay the debt... specifically the van (Which is technically MINE, and valued at an amount a bit higher than $400)
David, trying to protect me from having to deal with her and what ever she was wanting with me, had told her I was not home. I, not knowing that she was even here, let alone that he had told her I was not home, walked out the door right in the middle of his talking to her.
She gave me the paper, told me I might want to look into it, and got into her car.
David then told me what had taken place. His intentions were Gold despite how the situation turned out.
We then went to the park to meet up with Stephanie, Nicole, and Ashley. With the van being our sole mode of transportation, I was very stressed over the thought that they might try to take it... we own it free and clear, thereby eliminating the possibility that it can be repoed. The Park Date was perfect for taking my mind off of the problem. We stayed at the park until around 4:00 pm.
I then called my mom to gripe about the van situation. Commenting that as my blog says, "You can't make this "Stuff" up." And that this sort of stuff only seems to happen to me.
We got home; fed, bathed, and got the Children to bed; and got ourselves showered. I had just gotten out of the shower, and we were discussing what WE (David and I) were going to eat(it is normal routine here for us to get the children fed and to bed and THEN eat dinner ourselves (just easier sometimes.)
Elizabeth has had problems the past few weeks with doing what she's supposed to when she's in the bedroom that she shares with her sisters. So we have started getting the other 2 Girls to bed, and then Elizabeth comes downstairs with us and sits on the couch basically until she falls asleep.
So, Elizabeth was sitting on the couch, Jacob and the other 2 Girls were in their beds, and I was on the computer. Jacob started crying, so David was getting him a bottle. Someone knocked on our door.
Now let me just tell you: it may sound a little bit paranoid but due to our past experiences, we do not answer our door unless we are expecting someone. And we were not expecting anyone.
David looked out and said "It's someone from the Sheriff's Department." We haven't been breaking any laws, and figured that they were there to give us the same paperwork we had received earlier from the Woman.
So, we ignored them. David went upstairs to take care of Jacob.
I felt that it was a good idea to take Elizabeth upstairs too until they left.
As I was walking her up the stairs, the front door, which was unlocked, opened, and a Man said "Candace?"
I came back downstairs, and went to the front door where two large MALE Sheriff's Deputies were waiting. They made sure I was "Candace" and then one of them said "Can you get some shoes on and step outside, we have some papers to discuss with you."
I am not proud of this, and it's from a period where things were a disaster between David and I, but I went to jail a few times right before our divorce. And have not only vowed to NEVER go back, but when David and I decided to get remarried, I made him SWEAR to me that I would never again be placed in a situation because of his actions where I would go to jail.
So when they asked me to come outside, I said "OK, but I'm not going anywhere." To which they replied "Yes. You are."
I asked them "Why?" and they informed me that I had 2 Warrants out for my arrest. I told them that was impossible. Rather than explaining anything further than that a designated amount of $ was involved and that they were both described as "Failure to Pay," they just kept insisting I put my shoes on and come with them.
David and Jacob had come downstairs and were observing from the living room (which is directly off of the kitchen) where Elizabeth was.
I immediately went into panic mode.** (I KNEW I hadn't done anything wrong, and David and I haven't had a knock down, drag out fight since the divorce. I learned my lesson over a year ago and my temper has gotten WELL under control since our past experiences.) And backed up to be more in the kitchen where I felt "safe."
They entered the kitchen (Our town house's front door open up into the kitchen, so that is the first room you enter), and proceeded to say things like "Don't make this harder than it has to be," and "You have to come with us, so please put your shoes on." I hadn't eaten and honestly began to black out due to the combination of stress and low blood sugar. Meanwhile, one of the Officers actually located my shoes and put them right in front of my feet for me to put on.
I asked them if I could make some phone calls with them right there to attempt to get the $ so I didn't have to go with them. They informed me that I had to come with them, and that David could then take care of the phone calls and securing the $ and then bring it over to the Jail. I told them I hadn't eaten, and they said that would be addressed at the Jail.
They asked me to cooperate so that they didn't have to make a scene in front of My Children (I did not know Elizabeth had come down the stairs and was in the living room). I told them I was not trying to be difficult but that I was not ok with going with them under the vague circumstances. They threatened to put me on the ground to cuff me if needs be. At one point I am pretty sure I even saw the more vocal AND obnoxious of the 2 put his hand on the snap of the harness for his taser.
I told them that I KNEW that once I got to the Jail, I would have no contact with anyone. They told me that if I stopped giving them a hard time, they would make sure I got a phone call to David as soon as I was done being processed into the Jail.
I conceded finally. And asked David if he had a plan. He told me he did, so I put my sandals on (that they had placed in front of my feet) and walked out the door. As soon as we were outside, I was handcuffed TIGHTLY, and placed in a Big White SUV.
I Cried and snotted non stop all the way to the Sweetwater County Jail which is about 10 miles East of GR.
About half way there I made another comment about having not eaten, and that I knew dinner was long over. The officer driving me told me that he would make sure I got SOMETHING to eat once we got there.
I continued to quietly cry and snot in the back seat.
When we got into the jail, a Female Guard came out to meet us and "collect" me. She asked me how I was... this of course was answered by me with a fresh wave of tears and embarrassing snotting. The Officer told her that I was a bit emotional.
He got me into the Jail, turned me over, mentioned the phone call to the other Officers, and left. Never ONCE saying ANYTHING to ANYONE about my needing to eat.
Meanwhile Poor David was trying to help Elizabeth deal with the situation, take care of Jacob, and get the $ together to get me out before I had to spend the night. However, it was already after 9:30 pm.
I got booked in and processed relatively quickly. The Officers handling everything were very nice and Friendly which of course helped. Then I was allowed to call David. I was about the only one to come in last night, so I was able to talk to David and even Elizabeth for almost 25 minutes. David and I were able to discuss the situation, and he told me that at 9:00 am, my mom could have the $322 it was going to take to satisfy the situation so that I could leave. We decided that there was prolly no chance of me getting out before having to spend the night, and that was bearable.
I got off of the phone with him, was taken to "dress" (change my clothes), and then sent to my cell to go to bed. It was after 10:30 pm.
I had a "roomie" who had already claimed the bottom bunk, so I made up my top bunk, and climbed up for a LONG very restless night with little sleep.
** = Explanation of my Panic on the post that follows
Sunday, March 28, 2010
What sign is stuck to my back?
I can't help but wonder if I have a sign on my back.... maybe on my forehead, that says "I don't know anything.... PLEASE fix this," or "I'm incredibly naive...please enlighten me," or SOMETHING! That EVERYONE but the GR PD can read. The one the PD sees says "Guilty As Sin."
The reason I bring this up is because it is a pretty regular occurance for people to feel the need to "enlighten" me on topics that I usually know more about than they do.... I just don't feel the need to broadcast it.
I TRY to live by the rule that "It's better to stay quiet and be thought a Fool, than to open your mouth and prove it." Now, I know I don't always succeed. And my temper is normally somewhere in the equation during the times when I forget to stick to it.
But here is the example that makes me bring this up:
We were at a Friend's house. I said "We've been pregnant the same # of times even though you have more kids than I do." She said "Are you sure?" I did the math and said "Yes." She then said "Well, actually, I had a miscarriage.... so technically I've been pregnant more times than you have." It normally wouldn't have bothered me, but she said it sort of in a condescending way. What SHE doesn't know, because almost NO body knows unless they've paid REALLY close attention, is that I've actually had 3 separate miscarriages. That gives me a total of 7 pregnancies to her 5. Again, a big deal? Not usually.
However, it was sort of magnified by the fact that this seems to be a realitively frequent thing. To have people try to "Teach" me without ever finding out if I need to be taught. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that few people realize just how assertive I really am. If I have a question about something, I will ask. Or if I don't know something, and am needing "enlightening" I usually seek out the information. If I don't ask, I'm prolly not curious about it.
After having 3 miscarriages for different reasons, I mentioned to someone who was REALLY stressing me out during one of my first viable pregnancies that they needed to back off (I was in a very "iffy" time during the pregnancy, and I was afraid the stress (it was an incredibly STRESSFUL situation) was going to start a miscarriage)
in order to avoid a miscarriage. This person told me that stress would not cause me to micarry. Well, I kept my mouth shut at the time, because it was NONE of this person's business, but I had already had THREE miscarriages, and I knew the role stress could play.... and I really wanted to punch them for that comment. In fact honestly, I've never gotten 100% over that situation and it has affected my relationship with them.
I was also in a situation this past pregnancy with Jacob, where a friend and I had gotten into a disagreement. It was at the VERY beginning of the pregnancy. Actually the DAY before I found out I was for sure pregnant. The next day, (the day I found out I was pregnant) I got rammed in the back with a shopping cart at Walmart (Black Friday shopping). Later that week, David and I got together with this Friend and her Husband. They had to pick me up and then David met us at their house. As we were driving, the Husband I think was trying to bully me (we no longer do things with them). I am not the kind to be bullied. So of course I stood my ground. However, he got out of the car to run into the store, and I told his wife that I would appreciate it if I didn't ever have to deal with him again like that for the sake of the pregnancy. His bullying, thank heaven did no damage. But it was another classic case of people making assumptions that they know more than I do, and that they need to "teach" me. He of course had no idea that I had a history of miscarriages, since it was NOHDB, and prolly had no idea that he was potentially posing a threat.... then again, he's the type of person who prolly wouldn't have cared anyway. But that's a different story all together.
As I'm typing this, I'm seeing a pattern. People seem to assume these kinds of things normally when I am pregnant or discussing something that has to do with pregnancy.
So, let me just say this: I have been pregnant 7 times. I have miscarried 3. I am NO Dr or Midwife... but at least when it comes to MY BODY, MY PREGNANCIES, and MY Miscarriages, I know what I am talking about.
The reason I bring this up is because it is a pretty regular occurance for people to feel the need to "enlighten" me on topics that I usually know more about than they do.... I just don't feel the need to broadcast it.
I TRY to live by the rule that "It's better to stay quiet and be thought a Fool, than to open your mouth and prove it." Now, I know I don't always succeed. And my temper is normally somewhere in the equation during the times when I forget to stick to it.
But here is the example that makes me bring this up:
We were at a Friend's house. I said "We've been pregnant the same # of times even though you have more kids than I do." She said "Are you sure?" I did the math and said "Yes." She then said "Well, actually, I had a miscarriage.... so technically I've been pregnant more times than you have." It normally wouldn't have bothered me, but she said it sort of in a condescending way. What SHE doesn't know, because almost NO body knows unless they've paid REALLY close attention, is that I've actually had 3 separate miscarriages. That gives me a total of 7 pregnancies to her 5. Again, a big deal? Not usually.
However, it was sort of magnified by the fact that this seems to be a realitively frequent thing. To have people try to "Teach" me without ever finding out if I need to be taught. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that few people realize just how assertive I really am. If I have a question about something, I will ask. Or if I don't know something, and am needing "enlightening" I usually seek out the information. If I don't ask, I'm prolly not curious about it.
After having 3 miscarriages for different reasons, I mentioned to someone who was REALLY stressing me out during one of my first viable pregnancies that they needed to back off (I was in a very "iffy" time during the pregnancy, and I was afraid the stress (it was an incredibly STRESSFUL situation) was going to start a miscarriage)
in order to avoid a miscarriage. This person told me that stress would not cause me to micarry. Well, I kept my mouth shut at the time, because it was NONE of this person's business, but I had already had THREE miscarriages, and I knew the role stress could play.... and I really wanted to punch them for that comment. In fact honestly, I've never gotten 100% over that situation and it has affected my relationship with them.
I was also in a situation this past pregnancy with Jacob, where a friend and I had gotten into a disagreement. It was at the VERY beginning of the pregnancy. Actually the DAY before I found out I was for sure pregnant. The next day, (the day I found out I was pregnant) I got rammed in the back with a shopping cart at Walmart (Black Friday shopping). Later that week, David and I got together with this Friend and her Husband. They had to pick me up and then David met us at their house. As we were driving, the Husband I think was trying to bully me (we no longer do things with them). I am not the kind to be bullied. So of course I stood my ground. However, he got out of the car to run into the store, and I told his wife that I would appreciate it if I didn't ever have to deal with him again like that for the sake of the pregnancy. His bullying, thank heaven did no damage. But it was another classic case of people making assumptions that they know more than I do, and that they need to "teach" me. He of course had no idea that I had a history of miscarriages, since it was NOHDB, and prolly had no idea that he was potentially posing a threat.... then again, he's the type of person who prolly wouldn't have cared anyway. But that's a different story all together.
As I'm typing this, I'm seeing a pattern. People seem to assume these kinds of things normally when I am pregnant or discussing something that has to do with pregnancy.
So, let me just say this: I have been pregnant 7 times. I have miscarried 3. I am NO Dr or Midwife... but at least when it comes to MY BODY, MY PREGNANCIES, and MY Miscarriages, I know what I am talking about.
The Beginning of the End and other thoughts on my Beliefs from this week
Next week is Easter. For us "Mormons" it is also General Conference. This is a 2 day event where we spend from 10 am until Noon, and then 2 pm until 4 pm each day (Saturday and Sunday) listening to those we consider our Religious Leaders (we refer to them as General Authorities.)
This particular General Conference eludes to be significant. I believe that this past week has marked a significant point in history with the Health care Bill passed by Congress. I only know a little about the exact details of the Bill. However, what I have learned leads me to believe that this Bill is more or less Unconstitutional.
For Members of the LDS Church who know their "Church History" and the things that have been written by Our Leaders throughout the past 2 centuries, this is a key point in what we believe will transpire prior to "The End of the World." ( I am using a lot of general terms.... I am not a "doomsday/apocalypse/end of existence" type of person)
Here's what I'm getting at: I believe that this is the beginning of "The End." The end of what exactly, I do not know. But I do believe that "The End" will encompass the America that we know changing DRASTICALLY. The History of the world shows several time frames where things have happened similar to how things are happening right now. The United States of America are at a point where other countries have been at one time or another. And in all of the other instances the outcome was a complete breakdown before things were rebuilt. And when they were rebuilt it was always as a completely different country.... or multiple countries.
Anyway it happens we are basically guaranteed that this situation we are currently in is going to decline. And eventually be drastic.
There are Scholars out there who have believed for some time now that it will be a complete break down resulting in a Civil War and eventually the United States will be divided and separated into several different Countries' territories.
However you choose to view it. It looks like a good time to take into consideration the things written in the "Book Of Revelations" (New Testament of the Bible.)
One thing David and I have discussed recently is that it speaks of the "Mark of the Beast in their hands and on their foreheads."
Throughout my life, I have come to understand through the teachings I have received, that this will entail some sort of mandatory bar coding system insisted upon by the government. In Revelations, John warns against accepting this system. As David and I were discussing this the other day, he commented that he believes that many of our Faith, who know the warning will still choose to comply. Let this be my "Two Cents" that those of you who believe in the "Book of Revelations" consider the warning it contains if this scenario ever arises.
In the mean time this is a good time to take Food Storage very seriously. Also make sure for those of you who are LDS, that you ARE paying your tithing.
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Another thing I want to touch on quickly is "Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy." Many view it as specific to "Mormons." However, it is in fact one of the original 10 Commandments, dating back in Christian Beliefs AND Non Christian Beliefs to Moses.
I have been working really hard the past month or so to take this to heart, and use the "Sabbath" which for us is Sunday, as a day of rest. I do not do laundry or any cleaning (beyond basic maintenance) on Sunday, if I can help it. I try to get the grocery shopping, laundry and cleaning done by the time I go to bed Saturday night so that Sunday can be a peaceful day.
I don't know how much it has helped us as a Family. However, I do know that in light of David's recent escalation in outbursts, I believe it to be the reason that I am able to remain calmer, and handle the situation rationally and without loosing control myself.
This particular General Conference eludes to be significant. I believe that this past week has marked a significant point in history with the Health care Bill passed by Congress. I only know a little about the exact details of the Bill. However, what I have learned leads me to believe that this Bill is more or less Unconstitutional.
For Members of the LDS Church who know their "Church History" and the things that have been written by Our Leaders throughout the past 2 centuries, this is a key point in what we believe will transpire prior to "The End of the World." ( I am using a lot of general terms.... I am not a "doomsday/apocalypse/end of existence" type of person)
Here's what I'm getting at: I believe that this is the beginning of "The End." The end of what exactly, I do not know. But I do believe that "The End" will encompass the America that we know changing DRASTICALLY. The History of the world shows several time frames where things have happened similar to how things are happening right now. The United States of America are at a point where other countries have been at one time or another. And in all of the other instances the outcome was a complete breakdown before things were rebuilt. And when they were rebuilt it was always as a completely different country.... or multiple countries.
Anyway it happens we are basically guaranteed that this situation we are currently in is going to decline. And eventually be drastic.
There are Scholars out there who have believed for some time now that it will be a complete break down resulting in a Civil War and eventually the United States will be divided and separated into several different Countries' territories.
However you choose to view it. It looks like a good time to take into consideration the things written in the "Book Of Revelations" (New Testament of the Bible.)
One thing David and I have discussed recently is that it speaks of the "Mark of the Beast in their hands and on their foreheads."
Throughout my life, I have come to understand through the teachings I have received, that this will entail some sort of mandatory bar coding system insisted upon by the government. In Revelations, John warns against accepting this system. As David and I were discussing this the other day, he commented that he believes that many of our Faith, who know the warning will still choose to comply. Let this be my "Two Cents" that those of you who believe in the "Book of Revelations" consider the warning it contains if this scenario ever arises.
In the mean time this is a good time to take Food Storage very seriously. Also make sure for those of you who are LDS, that you ARE paying your tithing.
******************************************************
Another thing I want to touch on quickly is "Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy." Many view it as specific to "Mormons." However, it is in fact one of the original 10 Commandments, dating back in Christian Beliefs AND Non Christian Beliefs to Moses.
I have been working really hard the past month or so to take this to heart, and use the "Sabbath" which for us is Sunday, as a day of rest. I do not do laundry or any cleaning (beyond basic maintenance) on Sunday, if I can help it. I try to get the grocery shopping, laundry and cleaning done by the time I go to bed Saturday night so that Sunday can be a peaceful day.
I don't know how much it has helped us as a Family. However, I do know that in light of David's recent escalation in outbursts, I believe it to be the reason that I am able to remain calmer, and handle the situation rationally and without loosing control myself.
Friday, March 26, 2010
GO AWAY!!!!!!
I got a message from Jen, Adam Peeples' Fiance today. Jen and I have been friends since High School. I liked and respected her quite a bit.
Here's the story: I knew Adam and Jen in HS. They were both Friends of mine. Jen liked Adam. They went out once or twice.
We leave HS. Adam goes on an LDS Mission. Jen does her thing. Adam and I had a limited amount of contact after his Mission. He was "dating" one of my Best Friends. They didn't work out. He married this girl named Annaleise. Then from what I heard, he went kind of psycho.
He divorces Annaleise, and hooks up with Jen. They have a daughter together. Then I think they sort of dated other people.
Then, Adam and I become Friends on Myspace. I hear crazy rumors about how wierd he is, and I ask his Sister, Sarah about them. (Who I have also known since HS because Adam and I were Friends, and Sarah was Friends with some of my Friends siblings.)
Then Adam removes me from his Friends list and avoids me. Meanwhile, Sarah does not ever respond to my quiries.
THE END.
Oh, but wait: In the mean time, Jen and I are FB Friends. All of a sudden, she posts: "I'm marrying my HS Sweetie, Adam Peeples."
I comment with: CONGRATULATIONS! Btw, Adam doesn't like me very much, and I'm not sure why. Maybe you could talk to him. Oh, and again CONGRATULATIONS! I am so happy for you and your GIRLS!"
The next thing I know, she has deleted me as a Friend, and i get a message from Adam chewing me out for not privately asking Jen or him about why he won't talk to me. About how inappropriate what I did was. And how the only reason he can think of that I am trying to find out information about him, is that I am a "spy" for his psycho ex wife who I have never met.
I respond to him, AND send a message to Jen apologizing for how I handled things. Letting Adam know that I do not know his ex wife.
And I create a new FB profile to get rid of Friends like Adam and Jen who go berserk over something so small. Thereby hopefully cutting some of the drama out of my life.
THEN I find out that Adam is running for a Public Office. And I think he is a bad choice based on everything I have heard about and experienced with him.
He messages me, asking me to "call off the dogs" again referring to my knowing and spying for his ex wife.
I reply that I do not know his exwife. That my opinion is based off of how he has treated me, and that I believe he is not the right person to represent the people of Utah. I also mention that I think it's great that he is such a good Family man. (he made a point to tell me that he is) ANd telling him a little about my self in hopes we can maybe get along. But declining his invitation to call him.
He replys with a bunch of angry garbage. And you know what I thought about that. I then asked him to not message me again.
So then, I get the message from Jen. Telling me that I'm wrong about Adam. And again, telling me about how horrible and manipulative his ex is and how good he is. But still referencing Annaleise like I'm friends with her and should stop campaining against Adam in her name.
OMGOSH!!!!!!!!!! I DO NOT KNOW THIS WOMAN! But I STILL think Adam is a bad choice for the office he is running for based on HOW HE ACTS and HOW HE HAS TREATED ME.
But if I hear the name ANNALEISE in reference to Adam's exwife AGAIN, I might go POSTAL!
Ironically, I wanted to name Elysia that MANY years ago...but again, I NEVER knew or have met Adam's exwife. I have heard of her, by since she doesn't penetrate my Sphere of existence, I didn't think anything of her name being the same name I was thinking of using. Thank HEAVEN I didn't use it or I'd have been lynched by the Peeples for sure ;-)
So now, I have had to ask both Adam AND Jen to not contact me again. And told them that I STILL DO NOT THINK ADAM IS RIGHT FOR THE OFFICE HE IS RUNNING FOR!!!!!!!!!
But I am seriously thinking of looking this exwife up and making Friends with her .... Bwahahahaha!
Here's the story: I knew Adam and Jen in HS. They were both Friends of mine. Jen liked Adam. They went out once or twice.
We leave HS. Adam goes on an LDS Mission. Jen does her thing. Adam and I had a limited amount of contact after his Mission. He was "dating" one of my Best Friends. They didn't work out. He married this girl named Annaleise. Then from what I heard, he went kind of psycho.
He divorces Annaleise, and hooks up with Jen. They have a daughter together. Then I think they sort of dated other people.
Then, Adam and I become Friends on Myspace. I hear crazy rumors about how wierd he is, and I ask his Sister, Sarah about them. (Who I have also known since HS because Adam and I were Friends, and Sarah was Friends with some of my Friends siblings.)
Then Adam removes me from his Friends list and avoids me. Meanwhile, Sarah does not ever respond to my quiries.
THE END.
Oh, but wait: In the mean time, Jen and I are FB Friends. All of a sudden, she posts: "I'm marrying my HS Sweetie, Adam Peeples."
I comment with: CONGRATULATIONS! Btw, Adam doesn't like me very much, and I'm not sure why. Maybe you could talk to him. Oh, and again CONGRATULATIONS! I am so happy for you and your GIRLS!"
The next thing I know, she has deleted me as a Friend, and i get a message from Adam chewing me out for not privately asking Jen or him about why he won't talk to me. About how inappropriate what I did was. And how the only reason he can think of that I am trying to find out information about him, is that I am a "spy" for his psycho ex wife who I have never met.
I respond to him, AND send a message to Jen apologizing for how I handled things. Letting Adam know that I do not know his ex wife.
And I create a new FB profile to get rid of Friends like Adam and Jen who go berserk over something so small. Thereby hopefully cutting some of the drama out of my life.
THEN I find out that Adam is running for a Public Office. And I think he is a bad choice based on everything I have heard about and experienced with him.
He messages me, asking me to "call off the dogs" again referring to my knowing and spying for his ex wife.
I reply that I do not know his exwife. That my opinion is based off of how he has treated me, and that I believe he is not the right person to represent the people of Utah. I also mention that I think it's great that he is such a good Family man. (he made a point to tell me that he is) ANd telling him a little about my self in hopes we can maybe get along. But declining his invitation to call him.
He replys with a bunch of angry garbage. And you know what I thought about that. I then asked him to not message me again.
So then, I get the message from Jen. Telling me that I'm wrong about Adam. And again, telling me about how horrible and manipulative his ex is and how good he is. But still referencing Annaleise like I'm friends with her and should stop campaining against Adam in her name.
OMGOSH!!!!!!!!!! I DO NOT KNOW THIS WOMAN! But I STILL think Adam is a bad choice for the office he is running for based on HOW HE ACTS and HOW HE HAS TREATED ME.
But if I hear the name ANNALEISE in reference to Adam's exwife AGAIN, I might go POSTAL!
Ironically, I wanted to name Elysia that MANY years ago...but again, I NEVER knew or have met Adam's exwife. I have heard of her, by since she doesn't penetrate my Sphere of existence, I didn't think anything of her name being the same name I was thinking of using. Thank HEAVEN I didn't use it or I'd have been lynched by the Peeples for sure ;-)
So now, I have had to ask both Adam AND Jen to not contact me again. And told them that I STILL DO NOT THINK ADAM IS RIGHT FOR THE OFFICE HE IS RUNNING FOR!!!!!!!!!
But I am seriously thinking of looking this exwife up and making Friends with her .... Bwahahahaha!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Coming out
WARNING: THIS IS A LONG, TEDIOUS ENTRY THAT YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO READ... AND IF YOU DO READ IT PLEASE WITHHOLD JUDGEMENT IF YOU DO NOT KNOW THE WHOLE STORY ( basically, skip this post if you don't want to see how it ends ;-)
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It has to be done. I am sorry for the candidness some of you are about to experience from me for the first time. I want to start out by saying that the people who can now read my blog exclusively (yeah, I am just that special ;-) I believe are people who care enough about me and my Family that I can be honest and open without the fear of retribution or being "disowned" for lack of a better word.
Not being 100% honest, I feel is a lot like being bi-polar. It is essential in my opinion to be able to be 100% open about who you are.
So, here it is:
This will only be the first time hearing this particular confession for a few of you. For the majority of you this is "old news."
You ALL know that David and I got a divorce in 2008. You all also know who Jared is.
Jared was a mistake. Plain and simple. However, he was a Godsend at the time. There was soooo much wrong with my marriage, and it was like a mortal wound with a band aid on it. And it was too scary to remove that band aid to see what really needed to happen to heal the wound. So it stayed the way it was. And it infected more people and relationships than it ever should have.
It took Jared entering the picture to pull the band aid off, and examine what really needed to be done.
At that point, the marriage could NOT be saved. It needed to be completely amputated.
I AM NOT proud of the role I allowed Jared to play. However, it facilitated so much good.
He was what I needed at the time. He was what I NEVER thought I could have: Someone who could love me and My Girls.... besides their Father. Someone who was not willing to stand by and watch while the band aid stayed on yet the Collective Whole died.
Jared started out as a Good and Healthy outlet.
He shared my beliefs and was strong enough to be what I needed and fore go the temptations that came with the situation.
We could go to the Temple together. Something David and I had not done for a long time. There were things I could relax on that I just couldn't with David. I could be myself in ways with Jared that I couldn't with David.
And I was healing. And the Girls were loved and cared for.
One of the BIGGEST things that made the situation so amazing was being able to trust Jared with My Daughters. I never for one moment had ANY reason to doubt that he would not take advantage of them. I know that is part of why My Mom has never remarried. She always worried about the possibility that any man she was with and allowed to be around me might do something to hurt me.
However, hindsight being 20/20.....
I do not know how much of what Jared brought to the situation was real. The ONLY thing I am sure of is that he was either genuine on some level, or a SERIOUSLY good actor. I am also fortunately 100% positive that he never hurt My Girls.
HOWEVER, whether he meant to or not, and even though I was a consenting participant, he did eventually take advantage of the situation. The Godsend that he started out as turned into another mortal wound.
Fortunately, the original wound had healed enough that this was bearable.
I don't really know how to say everything that applies. But it's almost like he was there to be the catalyst to heal the original wound, however, with David and I ultimately needing to be together, he then needed to become the disease and give David a chance to complete the healing I needed. (Clear as mud? ;-)
I will take 100% responsibility for what happened. But I will also say that Jared betrayed me in the end, and then ran from his crime.
I thought at first that he was the one who finally broke me. However, I was surprised to find out that I didn't break when he left. I was soooo much stronger than I had ever guessed.
David was the Hero of the story. But for the first time in my life, I didn't NEED a Hero. By this point, I was no longer weak enough to need someone ELSE to save me.
Okay.... now that you are thoroughly bored.... (yes, you CAN stop now if you want)
Here's the problem:
I "lived" with Jared while technically still married to David. (Yes, it means what you think it means. I just don't have it in me to spell it out right now.)
It was part of the broken marriage that was so diseased already that really, at that point it was just one more reason to be done with it.
Was it wrong? COMPLETELY. However, I will say this: I was completely honest about where I stood on my feelings. Does that make it right? NO. But I need the complete picture painted here. David was not the clueless Husband who thought everything was fine in his marriage and then was blindsided. I had filed a restraining order. We were living in completely separate residences....just days away from our divorce being finalized. There was NO intention of EVER sharing our lives, beyond sharing Our Children, again. The financial support had been sorted out, custody of The Children determined, property divided, etc. We were Through!!!!
And then, it was over. (Another chance if you'd rather get back to your life)
And then, it wasn't.
David came at the situation with a gusto I didn't know he had in him. Just DAYS before the Judge made his final ruling.
Jared had bailed, and I was on my own. And as much as I hated where that left me, I was ok.
It took some time, yes, but ultimately, I was fine.
And through the summer, David and I were finally Best Friends.
Who then, fell in love.
And decided that we could leave the past in the past, and share a future.
I did what I needed to fix what happened with Jared. I worked through it at the appropriate church level, and it was healing..... BEFORE David and I even approached the idea of getting back together.
He knew what my past entailed. He'd "made peace" with it.... or so I thought. And I think to the best of his knowledge, he had.
This is where remarrying the person you divorced gets dangerous.
The past few fights we've had, have been eye opening for me.
David is so angry when he gets.... well, angry.
And he's angry about things that nothing can be done about. Which is probably the exact reason he's soooo angry.
It has to boil down to feeling like he can't control his life right now. He doesn't want to be home with me and The Children all day every day. I understand this. He wants to be doing what he's "Supposed" to be doing. He needs to work. He needs a job. Not just because of the obvious reasons. But because that's how it's "Supposed" to be.
He has had a lot to yell about as far as Jared is concerned the past couple of fights. (or so he thinks anyway ;-) He has brought it up loudly and brutally.
Now I know better than to get overly self righteous in this situation. However, it is centering and confidence building to know that I am on solid ground and "in the right" when he gets into the "accusation" mode.
I have grown so much in the knowledge of who I am and where I stand in the past year or so. I am more confident than I have ever been and know when I am wrong, but also, when I am not. Yes, I am that in tune with who I am. No, I am not perfect in that area or any other, and yes, I still make really stupid mistakes and judgement calls sometimes. But they are so fine tuned. I can normally get myself back in line in a matter of minutes or hours compared to the days, months or years that it used to take.
I am NOT the person I was throughout my first marriage to David.
And I won't even get into the discussion we had with the Bishop after the latest fight.... but even he openly agreed that I am different. And really even David conceded to that fact once he'd calmed down.
This ISN'T to "Toot my own horn." This is me being honest. What good does it do to feign modesty where none is warranted?
However, after some of the discussions that have taken place, and some of the things I've read over the past day or so, I think getting this out in the open is going to help healing take place. For me as well as others.
I love the TV show Big Love. I highly recommend it to all of you.
The latest episode, Nicki, Bill's 2ND of his 3 wives, finally reaches a point where she can allow herself to love and be loved after being with Bill for a decade and having 2 Children with him. And she realizes that she loves Bill.
The relevance of this is that in the middle of David being so angry. And rehashing my sin over and over the past few fights, I realized that I love David with ALL of who I am. And I am 1,000,000% + committed to him. I could confidently stand face to face with him, and fight for our marriage when all he could say is "I am done." And "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Truth really is a strong weapon. Because it didn't really hurt my feelings or my pride to be told that he couldn't trust my commitment to him. Because I have not for one SECOND even in my mind been unfaithful to him in this marriage. And I never will be. However, I DID point out to him that what he was saying was EXACTLY the way to make it a self fulfilling prophecy.
But something that was said recently in Church by one of our Leaders was "How kind we are to others is not based on how deserving of our kindness THEY are, but the quality of person that WE are." I don't choose whether or not to cheat on David based on whether or not he deserves it... but based on the fact that I am better than that.
It also gave me the confidence to let him go if that's what he really wanted.
I am grateful that it's not what he wanted. And I knew from the second he said it was, and then was unwilling to compromise in order to leave (such another LOOOOOOONG topic), that he was not capable of standing behind what he was saying he wanted..... because it was a lie.
But it's painful as well as revealing to have something like this brought up after so much has been put into "fixing" it. And as much as I hate having this back in the limelight, I am so grateful to have the confidence and commitment I have to know who I am and what I stand for. The saying goes "You have to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything." That is the person I WAS. And as grateful as I am for my Life's path... even when I was lost, I wish I had found myself before I needed to teach 3 others who they are. On one hand, I wish I was just now starting my Family. It would be so much healthier. But I know that I would miss out on My Girls if I had waited. SO thank God for ignorance that with the right opportunity can turn into wisdom.
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It has to be done. I am sorry for the candidness some of you are about to experience from me for the first time. I want to start out by saying that the people who can now read my blog exclusively (yeah, I am just that special ;-) I believe are people who care enough about me and my Family that I can be honest and open without the fear of retribution or being "disowned" for lack of a better word.
Not being 100% honest, I feel is a lot like being bi-polar. It is essential in my opinion to be able to be 100% open about who you are.
So, here it is:
This will only be the first time hearing this particular confession for a few of you. For the majority of you this is "old news."
You ALL know that David and I got a divorce in 2008. You all also know who Jared is.
Jared was a mistake. Plain and simple. However, he was a Godsend at the time. There was soooo much wrong with my marriage, and it was like a mortal wound with a band aid on it. And it was too scary to remove that band aid to see what really needed to happen to heal the wound. So it stayed the way it was. And it infected more people and relationships than it ever should have.
It took Jared entering the picture to pull the band aid off, and examine what really needed to be done.
At that point, the marriage could NOT be saved. It needed to be completely amputated.
I AM NOT proud of the role I allowed Jared to play. However, it facilitated so much good.
He was what I needed at the time. He was what I NEVER thought I could have: Someone who could love me and My Girls.... besides their Father. Someone who was not willing to stand by and watch while the band aid stayed on yet the Collective Whole died.
Jared started out as a Good and Healthy outlet.
He shared my beliefs and was strong enough to be what I needed and fore go the temptations that came with the situation.
We could go to the Temple together. Something David and I had not done for a long time. There were things I could relax on that I just couldn't with David. I could be myself in ways with Jared that I couldn't with David.
And I was healing. And the Girls were loved and cared for.
One of the BIGGEST things that made the situation so amazing was being able to trust Jared with My Daughters. I never for one moment had ANY reason to doubt that he would not take advantage of them. I know that is part of why My Mom has never remarried. She always worried about the possibility that any man she was with and allowed to be around me might do something to hurt me.
However, hindsight being 20/20.....
I do not know how much of what Jared brought to the situation was real. The ONLY thing I am sure of is that he was either genuine on some level, or a SERIOUSLY good actor. I am also fortunately 100% positive that he never hurt My Girls.
HOWEVER, whether he meant to or not, and even though I was a consenting participant, he did eventually take advantage of the situation. The Godsend that he started out as turned into another mortal wound.
Fortunately, the original wound had healed enough that this was bearable.
I don't really know how to say everything that applies. But it's almost like he was there to be the catalyst to heal the original wound, however, with David and I ultimately needing to be together, he then needed to become the disease and give David a chance to complete the healing I needed. (Clear as mud? ;-)
I will take 100% responsibility for what happened. But I will also say that Jared betrayed me in the end, and then ran from his crime.
I thought at first that he was the one who finally broke me. However, I was surprised to find out that I didn't break when he left. I was soooo much stronger than I had ever guessed.
David was the Hero of the story. But for the first time in my life, I didn't NEED a Hero. By this point, I was no longer weak enough to need someone ELSE to save me.
Okay.... now that you are thoroughly bored.... (yes, you CAN stop now if you want)
Here's the problem:
I "lived" with Jared while technically still married to David. (Yes, it means what you think it means. I just don't have it in me to spell it out right now.)
It was part of the broken marriage that was so diseased already that really, at that point it was just one more reason to be done with it.
Was it wrong? COMPLETELY. However, I will say this: I was completely honest about where I stood on my feelings. Does that make it right? NO. But I need the complete picture painted here. David was not the clueless Husband who thought everything was fine in his marriage and then was blindsided. I had filed a restraining order. We were living in completely separate residences....just days away from our divorce being finalized. There was NO intention of EVER sharing our lives, beyond sharing Our Children, again. The financial support had been sorted out, custody of The Children determined, property divided, etc. We were Through!!!!
And then, it was over. (Another chance if you'd rather get back to your life)
And then, it wasn't.
David came at the situation with a gusto I didn't know he had in him. Just DAYS before the Judge made his final ruling.
Jared had bailed, and I was on my own. And as much as I hated where that left me, I was ok.
It took some time, yes, but ultimately, I was fine.
And through the summer, David and I were finally Best Friends.
Who then, fell in love.
And decided that we could leave the past in the past, and share a future.
I did what I needed to fix what happened with Jared. I worked through it at the appropriate church level, and it was healing..... BEFORE David and I even approached the idea of getting back together.
He knew what my past entailed. He'd "made peace" with it.... or so I thought. And I think to the best of his knowledge, he had.
This is where remarrying the person you divorced gets dangerous.
The past few fights we've had, have been eye opening for me.
David is so angry when he gets.... well, angry.
And he's angry about things that nothing can be done about. Which is probably the exact reason he's soooo angry.
It has to boil down to feeling like he can't control his life right now. He doesn't want to be home with me and The Children all day every day. I understand this. He wants to be doing what he's "Supposed" to be doing. He needs to work. He needs a job. Not just because of the obvious reasons. But because that's how it's "Supposed" to be.
He has had a lot to yell about as far as Jared is concerned the past couple of fights. (or so he thinks anyway ;-) He has brought it up loudly and brutally.
Now I know better than to get overly self righteous in this situation. However, it is centering and confidence building to know that I am on solid ground and "in the right" when he gets into the "accusation" mode.
I have grown so much in the knowledge of who I am and where I stand in the past year or so. I am more confident than I have ever been and know when I am wrong, but also, when I am not. Yes, I am that in tune with who I am. No, I am not perfect in that area or any other, and yes, I still make really stupid mistakes and judgement calls sometimes. But they are so fine tuned. I can normally get myself back in line in a matter of minutes or hours compared to the days, months or years that it used to take.
I am NOT the person I was throughout my first marriage to David.
And I won't even get into the discussion we had with the Bishop after the latest fight.... but even he openly agreed that I am different. And really even David conceded to that fact once he'd calmed down.
This ISN'T to "Toot my own horn." This is me being honest. What good does it do to feign modesty where none is warranted?
However, after some of the discussions that have taken place, and some of the things I've read over the past day or so, I think getting this out in the open is going to help healing take place. For me as well as others.
I love the TV show Big Love. I highly recommend it to all of you.
The latest episode, Nicki, Bill's 2ND of his 3 wives, finally reaches a point where she can allow herself to love and be loved after being with Bill for a decade and having 2 Children with him. And she realizes that she loves Bill.
The relevance of this is that in the middle of David being so angry. And rehashing my sin over and over the past few fights, I realized that I love David with ALL of who I am. And I am 1,000,000% + committed to him. I could confidently stand face to face with him, and fight for our marriage when all he could say is "I am done." And "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Truth really is a strong weapon. Because it didn't really hurt my feelings or my pride to be told that he couldn't trust my commitment to him. Because I have not for one SECOND even in my mind been unfaithful to him in this marriage. And I never will be. However, I DID point out to him that what he was saying was EXACTLY the way to make it a self fulfilling prophecy.
But something that was said recently in Church by one of our Leaders was "How kind we are to others is not based on how deserving of our kindness THEY are, but the quality of person that WE are." I don't choose whether or not to cheat on David based on whether or not he deserves it... but based on the fact that I am better than that.
It also gave me the confidence to let him go if that's what he really wanted.
I am grateful that it's not what he wanted. And I knew from the second he said it was, and then was unwilling to compromise in order to leave (such another LOOOOOOONG topic), that he was not capable of standing behind what he was saying he wanted..... because it was a lie.
But it's painful as well as revealing to have something like this brought up after so much has been put into "fixing" it. And as much as I hate having this back in the limelight, I am so grateful to have the confidence and commitment I have to know who I am and what I stand for. The saying goes "You have to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything." That is the person I WAS. And as grateful as I am for my Life's path... even when I was lost, I wish I had found myself before I needed to teach 3 others who they are. On one hand, I wish I was just now starting my Family. It would be so much healthier. But I know that I would miss out on My Girls if I had waited. SO thank God for ignorance that with the right opportunity can turn into wisdom.
Jacob's Baby Doll Exploration
Abby was sitting on the floor, holding one of her Baby Dolls today (LOL, technically, yesterday.) Jacob saw it, and immediately dove for it. Abby pulled it away and said "No Jacob." Pretty defiantly. I told her to not be that way. To let him see it, and then she could have it back.
She very reluctantly conceded and allowed Jacob access to the doll. He crawled into her lap to get to it, grabbed at it's face and then took it to explore it further. He nuzzled it, and then crawled over it and moved on.
I gave Abby back the doll and said, "See, he's done. Now you can have her."
I thought it was a cool learning experience all around. For me to learn about Jacob. For Abby to learn to relax and share. And for Jacob... whatever he learned about this object he was able to get his hands on for the first time. I can only imagine what he thought about this thing that looked like a person, and yet had no life to it whatsoever.
She very reluctantly conceded and allowed Jacob access to the doll. He crawled into her lap to get to it, grabbed at it's face and then took it to explore it further. He nuzzled it, and then crawled over it and moved on.
I gave Abby back the doll and said, "See, he's done. Now you can have her."
I thought it was a cool learning experience all around. For me to learn about Jacob. For Abby to learn to relax and share. And for Jacob... whatever he learned about this object he was able to get his hands on for the first time. I can only imagine what he thought about this thing that looked like a person, and yet had no life to it whatsoever.
How to be a "Good Mormon"
First of all, the Main Key to being a "Good" Mormon is KNOWING what your Church teaches.
Second, is only claiming to be a "Mormon" if you really Believe what the "Mormon Church" teaches and are willing to follow it.
Third, and the ONE thing I will budge a little bit on is Spending some time living outside of Utah/Idaho.
And Fourth, and really the whole reason for this post is Having a good group of Friends who aren't all "Mormon" who you connect with and can be close to. Sorry, but I firmly believe that if all of the people you let into your life on an intimate level are LDS (Mormon).... well, you're certainly missing out on some constructive diversity.
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No, I am not claiming to be a "Good" Mormon. However, thanks to the Wonderful Friends I have in my life, and these 4 steps, I'm sure a lot better at it than I used to be ;-)
Second, is only claiming to be a "Mormon" if you really Believe what the "Mormon Church" teaches and are willing to follow it.
Third, and the ONE thing I will budge a little bit on is Spending some time living outside of Utah/Idaho.
And Fourth, and really the whole reason for this post is Having a good group of Friends who aren't all "Mormon" who you connect with and can be close to. Sorry, but I firmly believe that if all of the people you let into your life on an intimate level are LDS (Mormon).... well, you're certainly missing out on some constructive diversity.
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No, I am not claiming to be a "Good" Mormon. However, thanks to the Wonderful Friends I have in my life, and these 4 steps, I'm sure a lot better at it than I used to be ;-)
Not knowing when to leave well enough alone
Ok, so Adam Peeples just sent me yet another message. The one he sent earlier was pleasant enough. The message I sent back to him was courteous, and simply stated that I had never meant anything malicious and had simply stood up for what I believed in. In his first message, he requested that I call him. I don't know how many of you know this, but I don't like to talk to ANYONE on the phone except a VERY select few Friends and Family. I prefer to text or email. I think a lot of you are the same way.
I thanked him for the invitation to call, and told him that I prefer not to speak on the phone.
I believe that Adam is a manipulator. And I know from past experience that it is MUCH easier to manipulate someone on the phone than in a written message. I believe that is exactly why he wanted to speak on the phone. (I could go on and on on that topic ;-)
I told him that I was not a spy for his Ex Wife, in fact I had NEVER met her. And never planned to.
He told me what a nightmare being married to her was. I said that I understood, and was glad he was rid of that in his life.
What he was prolly hoping I would say was that I was wrong about what I said about him, and that I would retract it. However, instead, I told him that I stand behind what I believe in.
This was not what he wanted to hear.
The last message he sent to me was angry, accusing, and all about how much damage I had done to his campaign over a personal vendetta.
My Post on here is the only thing I have EVER said about him except ONE status on FB that said "Every time I see his name I want to scream." So this "post" is what he is referring to.... which btw, YES, I sent it to everyone I could think of who might vote in his District. But it is not slandering. It doesn't even reference his personal life or his Family (except as people I went to to learn the truth.) It simply states that I believe based on personal experience, that he is a bad choice for the office he is running for.
Something he has obviously missed in all of this, is that when you get into politics, you open yourself up to criticism. Your personal life is no longer private. Everything is fair game. That's just how it is. What I have said is prolly very near the bottom of the worst he will have said about him before he actually achieves his goal of being elected to a public office.
I told him in response that I stand behind what I have said, and that I have done nothing but my duty as an American Citizen. I have stood up to keep those I feel are a poor choice to represent me and those I love out of office.
He told me that he still pays tithing to the LDS Church (even though he has renounced his belief in that same church). I informed him that I couldn't care less if he pays tithing. What I care about is how he treats people.
He said that the damage I have created is already done, and that it hasn't benefited anyone. I told him that It HAS benefited me and the ones I love because A) I stood behind what I believe, B) I refused to stay silent while yet another poor choice was elected to represent me and my freedoms, and C) I have obviously accomplished what I set out to do: He wouldn't be so upset if no one was willing to listen to what I had to say. Obviously what I have to say is upsetting his chances of winning or else I am just a pest to ignore ;-). People are listening to me. And he doesn't like it.
His first message was an attempt to save face. And when I graciously declined his "invitation" to play HIS way, he got Angry! GOOD! Then I have achieved the goal I set out to reach. I have made my voice heard. It has become stronger, and I can hold my head up a bit higher.
I thanked him for the invitation to call, and told him that I prefer not to speak on the phone.
I believe that Adam is a manipulator. And I know from past experience that it is MUCH easier to manipulate someone on the phone than in a written message. I believe that is exactly why he wanted to speak on the phone. (I could go on and on on that topic ;-)
I told him that I was not a spy for his Ex Wife, in fact I had NEVER met her. And never planned to.
He told me what a nightmare being married to her was. I said that I understood, and was glad he was rid of that in his life.
What he was prolly hoping I would say was that I was wrong about what I said about him, and that I would retract it. However, instead, I told him that I stand behind what I believe in.
This was not what he wanted to hear.
The last message he sent to me was angry, accusing, and all about how much damage I had done to his campaign over a personal vendetta.
My Post on here is the only thing I have EVER said about him except ONE status on FB that said "Every time I see his name I want to scream." So this "post" is what he is referring to.... which btw, YES, I sent it to everyone I could think of who might vote in his District. But it is not slandering. It doesn't even reference his personal life or his Family (except as people I went to to learn the truth.) It simply states that I believe based on personal experience, that he is a bad choice for the office he is running for.
Something he has obviously missed in all of this, is that when you get into politics, you open yourself up to criticism. Your personal life is no longer private. Everything is fair game. That's just how it is. What I have said is prolly very near the bottom of the worst he will have said about him before he actually achieves his goal of being elected to a public office.
I told him in response that I stand behind what I have said, and that I have done nothing but my duty as an American Citizen. I have stood up to keep those I feel are a poor choice to represent me and those I love out of office.
He told me that he still pays tithing to the LDS Church (even though he has renounced his belief in that same church). I informed him that I couldn't care less if he pays tithing. What I care about is how he treats people.
He said that the damage I have created is already done, and that it hasn't benefited anyone. I told him that It HAS benefited me and the ones I love because A) I stood behind what I believe, B) I refused to stay silent while yet another poor choice was elected to represent me and my freedoms, and C) I have obviously accomplished what I set out to do: He wouldn't be so upset if no one was willing to listen to what I had to say. Obviously what I have to say is upsetting his chances of winning or else I am just a pest to ignore ;-). People are listening to me. And he doesn't like it.
His first message was an attempt to save face. And when I graciously declined his "invitation" to play HIS way, he got Angry! GOOD! Then I have achieved the goal I set out to reach. I have made my voice heard. It has become stronger, and I can hold my head up a bit higher.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I scare people Bwahahahaha
I recieved a message from Adam Peeples today. To my NEW FB account. What made him send it to THAT account when all our previous messages were through my old account... and he is the EXACT reason for the new profile.
It doesn't matter though.
It seems my speaking out against him is working. He has asked for a "truce" of sorts and asked me to "call off the dogs" more or less. HA! Not a chance. I believe in what I have said. And if anything his message, while meant to convince me that he is not the person I believe him to be, has convinced me that he IS the person I believe him to be. And I am being heard. And that scares him! Which means I am being successful in my attempts at keeping him out of public office.
I should try this more often ;-)
The 2nd Counselor in our Bishopric is a BIG man. He is about 6'4, and though not Heavy set, he is broad.
He has told me to my face that he avoids me because I am intimidating. ROFLOL!
Good!
He isn't my favorite person either.
What I am getting from this is that I am successfully protecting myself. And if there was ever a need, prolly my Family too.
I have already learned that I have the "Power of the Look." People have approached me, and all I've had to do is give them "The look," and, yes, they back off.
Those of you who I WANT in my life, I really do try to be less intimidating.
But I do take some pride in my ability to scare grown men ;-)
It doesn't matter though.
It seems my speaking out against him is working. He has asked for a "truce" of sorts and asked me to "call off the dogs" more or less. HA! Not a chance. I believe in what I have said. And if anything his message, while meant to convince me that he is not the person I believe him to be, has convinced me that he IS the person I believe him to be. And I am being heard. And that scares him! Which means I am being successful in my attempts at keeping him out of public office.
I should try this more often ;-)
The 2nd Counselor in our Bishopric is a BIG man. He is about 6'4, and though not Heavy set, he is broad.
He has told me to my face that he avoids me because I am intimidating. ROFLOL!
Good!
He isn't my favorite person either.
What I am getting from this is that I am successfully protecting myself. And if there was ever a need, prolly my Family too.
I have already learned that I have the "Power of the Look." People have approached me, and all I've had to do is give them "The look," and, yes, they back off.
Those of you who I WANT in my life, I really do try to be less intimidating.
But I do take some pride in my ability to scare grown men ;-)
Unlovable
Being unlovable is such a horrid feeling.
I believe that I have a comfortable enough self-esteem that I do not believe myself to be unlovable.
And unfortunately, the fear of being unloveable is usually a self fulfilling prophecy. A person feels unloved, therefore they attempt to pass that on and make others suffer too. Then those people feel unloved, and the original person is no longer loved.
Clear as mud?
Most of you think you know David pretty well. But I promise you do not unless you have seen the Dark Side of David.
Most of you at one point or another have viewed me as regimental, strict.... capable of love but with my own "non typical" way of treating those I love. I'm hard on My Husband and My Children. I'm sure most of you do not doubt that I love them "in my way."
This is what I have to say.
The way I act with My Husband and Children is a protection. It is how I pull my Family.... the SUN in my world, through David's Dark Side.
You see, in most Children's lives, it is good that they learn right from wrong, and how to follow rules and directions. In My Children's lives, it is ESSENTIAL. It sucks. And I try to find different ways of easing up on them. But then, we have a night like tonight. And that regimen, the routine, their knowledge of what is and is not acceptable is how we stay afloat. Because I can say something quick, and without a ton of detail, and they know what I need them to do. Or I can say it once, and get results. Or they understand that no matter how chaotic things might be in one part of the house, nothing is different in the rest of the house.... and they know that if they really need me I will respond because there is no room for "crying wolf." And they are really Good Little Troopers about it. Because you see, as important as they are to me, their Father is just as important. And I like the way it is depicted in the movie "What Dreams May Come." He is the other half of me. And I would go to Hell and back to fight for what we have when things are good between us. They did really well tonight. I have so much to be proud of.
Unfortunately, it's happening more frequently lately. I am not 100% sure why. David must be lost and feeling pretty helpless.
We had an argument. I am not feeling well, as it is. I have another stinking cold. So, I had slept most of the day. I stated an opinion that I have no business even having when I am sick because I can't back it up. And it offended David. So, I tried going upstairs to lay down. Then I was hurt because he didn't try to make amends.
I came down and told him he'd hurt my feelings. We argued back and forth for a few minutes, I cried a little, and then he lost it.
He tried to take the keys to the van and cut my finger in his attempt. When I said he was hurting me, he said "Good." He then picked up our gun, and said he was going to find the bullets and that's all I heard.
I debated whether to get the police involved. Chose not to because that never ends well.
I found David downstairs, going through (tearing through is more accurate.... with grease and grime from the gun box on his hands) my clean laundry to find all of his clothes so he could leave.
The next 4 hours is not worth documenting in detail except that it consisted of the Children upstairs getting into mild mischief, however, as stated above, doing realitively well.... Elizabeth and Elysia did a pretty good job with Jacob.... while I pleaded with David to calm down andchange his mind about leaving us (he was talking for good.... not like suicide, but he mentioned courts, and lawyers and such.) (NO GUN WAS INVOLVED, he had put it away) I called the Bishop and asked him to come by. Finally, I got David to agree not to make any rash decisions, and basically stay put while I got the Children taken care of at least reasonably. THEY WERE NOT IN DANGER OR HARMED IN ANY WAY.
I got them bathed and in the process, it was hard to emotionally be what they needed. You see, for 4 hours, David told me so many things about how he doesn't love me, how horrible I am, how he wants nothing to do with me and doesn't want to be with me anymore. While I said things like "I'm sorry for fighting with you." " I love you." "Please Stay!" "I was wrong."
SO then to go and be with the Children was painful. Because I felt so uncared for by David that I wanted to lash out. Those Sweet Babies of mine needed love and affection, and my natural reaction was to do to them what David had spent hours doing to me.
NO I DIDN'T!!!! I was fortunately aware of the exact cycle I've been describing, and how damaging and destructive it is. I told them I loved them, and that I was there to protect and take care of them. I'm simply pointing out the way these situations naturally go. That being "kicked" made it an effort to not want to "kick" the next person. Do you understand??????
But because of the hurt I was feeling, it was all I could do to get them to bed without doing more damage than had already been done. They however DID get to bed with minimal trauma ;-)
David eventually calmed down. The Bishop came by and spoke with us.
The absolute MOST frustrating thing for me was knowing at 6:00 that as angry as David was, it was just a matter of time before he was thinking rationally and being reasonable again. The only variable was the amount of time that would elapse and extent of the damage that would be done between point A and point B. I could see this.... it is how it always is. But he was too angry to see it at the time. So Damage Control was my top priority all around. Unfortunately when he is angry, he doesn't care, and therefore doesn't do much by way of helping in this area. If fact he often does the exact opposite.
Now I have 10 loads of laundry that were clean that have to be rewashed. Plus recovery time from being sick and under extreme stress. Plus 4 children who need a ton of reassurance and extra love that I just don't have in me at this exact moment.
Don't get me wrong.... My Children are what my focus is on. I just have to heal emotionally to a point where I have enough in my "bucket" to add to theirs.
FORTUNATELY, in the mean time, David is here, and after getting to vent for a LONG time, he has a little extra to give them while I recoup.
I believe that I have a comfortable enough self-esteem that I do not believe myself to be unlovable.
And unfortunately, the fear of being unloveable is usually a self fulfilling prophecy. A person feels unloved, therefore they attempt to pass that on and make others suffer too. Then those people feel unloved, and the original person is no longer loved.
Clear as mud?
Most of you think you know David pretty well. But I promise you do not unless you have seen the Dark Side of David.
Most of you at one point or another have viewed me as regimental, strict.... capable of love but with my own "non typical" way of treating those I love. I'm hard on My Husband and My Children. I'm sure most of you do not doubt that I love them "in my way."
This is what I have to say.
The way I act with My Husband and Children is a protection. It is how I pull my Family.... the SUN in my world, through David's Dark Side.
You see, in most Children's lives, it is good that they learn right from wrong, and how to follow rules and directions. In My Children's lives, it is ESSENTIAL. It sucks. And I try to find different ways of easing up on them. But then, we have a night like tonight. And that regimen, the routine, their knowledge of what is and is not acceptable is how we stay afloat. Because I can say something quick, and without a ton of detail, and they know what I need them to do. Or I can say it once, and get results. Or they understand that no matter how chaotic things might be in one part of the house, nothing is different in the rest of the house.... and they know that if they really need me I will respond because there is no room for "crying wolf." And they are really Good Little Troopers about it. Because you see, as important as they are to me, their Father is just as important. And I like the way it is depicted in the movie "What Dreams May Come." He is the other half of me. And I would go to Hell and back to fight for what we have when things are good between us. They did really well tonight. I have so much to be proud of.
Unfortunately, it's happening more frequently lately. I am not 100% sure why. David must be lost and feeling pretty helpless.
We had an argument. I am not feeling well, as it is. I have another stinking cold. So, I had slept most of the day. I stated an opinion that I have no business even having when I am sick because I can't back it up. And it offended David. So, I tried going upstairs to lay down. Then I was hurt because he didn't try to make amends.
I came down and told him he'd hurt my feelings. We argued back and forth for a few minutes, I cried a little, and then he lost it.
He tried to take the keys to the van and cut my finger in his attempt. When I said he was hurting me, he said "Good." He then picked up our gun, and said he was going to find the bullets and that's all I heard.
I debated whether to get the police involved. Chose not to because that never ends well.
I found David downstairs, going through (tearing through is more accurate.... with grease and grime from the gun box on his hands) my clean laundry to find all of his clothes so he could leave.
The next 4 hours is not worth documenting in detail except that it consisted of the Children upstairs getting into mild mischief, however, as stated above, doing realitively well.... Elizabeth and Elysia did a pretty good job with Jacob.... while I pleaded with David to calm down andchange his mind about leaving us (he was talking for good.... not like suicide, but he mentioned courts, and lawyers and such.) (NO GUN WAS INVOLVED, he had put it away) I called the Bishop and asked him to come by. Finally, I got David to agree not to make any rash decisions, and basically stay put while I got the Children taken care of at least reasonably. THEY WERE NOT IN DANGER OR HARMED IN ANY WAY.
I got them bathed and in the process, it was hard to emotionally be what they needed. You see, for 4 hours, David told me so many things about how he doesn't love me, how horrible I am, how he wants nothing to do with me and doesn't want to be with me anymore. While I said things like "I'm sorry for fighting with you." " I love you." "Please Stay!" "I was wrong."
SO then to go and be with the Children was painful. Because I felt so uncared for by David that I wanted to lash out. Those Sweet Babies of mine needed love and affection, and my natural reaction was to do to them what David had spent hours doing to me.
NO I DIDN'T!!!! I was fortunately aware of the exact cycle I've been describing, and how damaging and destructive it is. I told them I loved them, and that I was there to protect and take care of them. I'm simply pointing out the way these situations naturally go. That being "kicked" made it an effort to not want to "kick" the next person. Do you understand??????
But because of the hurt I was feeling, it was all I could do to get them to bed without doing more damage than had already been done. They however DID get to bed with minimal trauma ;-)
David eventually calmed down. The Bishop came by and spoke with us.
The absolute MOST frustrating thing for me was knowing at 6:00 that as angry as David was, it was just a matter of time before he was thinking rationally and being reasonable again. The only variable was the amount of time that would elapse and extent of the damage that would be done between point A and point B. I could see this.... it is how it always is. But he was too angry to see it at the time. So Damage Control was my top priority all around. Unfortunately when he is angry, he doesn't care, and therefore doesn't do much by way of helping in this area. If fact he often does the exact opposite.
Now I have 10 loads of laundry that were clean that have to be rewashed. Plus recovery time from being sick and under extreme stress. Plus 4 children who need a ton of reassurance and extra love that I just don't have in me at this exact moment.
Don't get me wrong.... My Children are what my focus is on. I just have to heal emotionally to a point where I have enough in my "bucket" to add to theirs.
FORTUNATELY, in the mean time, David is here, and after getting to vent for a LONG time, he has a little extra to give them while I recoup.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Causes I support
http://www.davidlundgren.org/ David Lundgren is running for Lincoln County Commissioner in Wyoming
http://kylepalmerpolitics@hotmail.com Supporting Local Republicans in Tooele
http://www.noapology.com Mitt Romney is AGAINST the Healthcare Bill
http://kylepalmerpolitics@hotmail.com Supporting Local Republicans in Tooele
http://www.noapology.com Mitt Romney is AGAINST the Healthcare Bill
Sunday, March 21, 2010
My Latest Dream
So, every now and then I will have a dream that knocks me out of the water, so to speak. It's very memorable, and makes an impact for one reason or another.
Last night, I dreamt about the Ocean and Alaska. I was very content, and the ocean was GORGEOUS there.
Maybe it means something, maybe not.
What I am hoping it means is that David will get this job in Alaska. Not necessarily that we will move there but that he will get the job.
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Oddly enough, the night BEFORE last, I had a dream that stuck with me. It was odd, and I was living at My Grandparents old house where I grew up. Something that stuck with me about this dream is that I was very aware of being in between sleep and awake. I couldn't get done what I was trying to do because my vision was blurry from not being awake, and it was very frustrating.
Last night, I dreamt about the Ocean and Alaska. I was very content, and the ocean was GORGEOUS there.
Maybe it means something, maybe not.
What I am hoping it means is that David will get this job in Alaska. Not necessarily that we will move there but that he will get the job.
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Oddly enough, the night BEFORE last, I had a dream that stuck with me. It was odd, and I was living at My Grandparents old house where I grew up. Something that stuck with me about this dream is that I was very aware of being in between sleep and awake. I couldn't get done what I was trying to do because my vision was blurry from not being awake, and it was very frustrating.
My Commitment
I am commiting here and now that if we move outside of the Rock Springs/Green River area, I will take the things I have learned here and implement them where I relocate.
I have been so fortunate, as I have stated so many times in the past few weeks, to have a Playgroup full of Moms who truly connect and support eachother.
I believe that everyone needs that.
I really hope for this house in Tooele. It is a little ways out of the way, but it's really not all that far from the people I know in the Salt Lake ares.
This house would just provide so many opportunities. It has the room for me to be myself, take care of a large Family, have dinner parties, and do things like Playgroup and a Mom's night. I do not exagerate at ALL when I say that this house seems built just for us.
I have been so fortunate, as I have stated so many times in the past few weeks, to have a Playgroup full of Moms who truly connect and support eachother.
I believe that everyone needs that.
I really hope for this house in Tooele. It is a little ways out of the way, but it's really not all that far from the people I know in the Salt Lake ares.
This house would just provide so many opportunities. It has the room for me to be myself, take care of a large Family, have dinner parties, and do things like Playgroup and a Mom's night. I do not exagerate at ALL when I say that this house seems built just for us.
When somone offends us
Something that was mentioned to me the other day, is that often when somone gets offended by something we say, or I guess really takes something we say as critical, it is usually because they fear the truth in it. They may already think poorly of themselves in that aspect, and so obviously your "confirming" that they contain this flaw. It's like Laman and Lemuel in the Book of Mormon. They didn't like what they heard from God or Nephi and Lehi, because they knew it was true... or that they truly DID have things that they needed to change about themselves.
People who refuse to come back to church because someone said something that "offended" them are a good example of this. Let me tell you, if I were to stop going to church because someone said something that "Offended" me, I'd have gone inactive.... and prolly left completely YEARS ago.
However, I believe that I am the kind of person that can take what someone says, and pull the constructive part out and use it to become a better "Me," and then throw the rest away.... thereby going on with my life without any serious damage being done by ignorant people.
It's like the situation with Adam Peeples. He said things to me, that after examination, I could use to improve the person I am. My problem with him is not that he said things to me I didn't like. It is because he is a hypocrit.... he wanted to hang me for "crimes" he himself is "guilty" of. It's the core of who he is that offends me, vs the words he has said to me. And even so, I would prolly have left it at simply disliking him, if he were an individual. But he then decided to run for office. And I'm sorry, but we have enough garbage in the political system as it is. As a God Fearing American, if I don't stand up for what I believe in when I see a politician further trying to corrupt the system, then I cannot complain when they change the way things are and I don't like the country I live in. So that is my reasoning there. NOT because he said something I didn't like.... but because he is threatening my home with the yuckiness that permeates him to the core.
Which brings me to the flipside of being offended.
There are those times, when we are honest with ourselves, and we a in tune with our SOULS, that something truly offends us...... our core, not our ears. These are the things that we SHOULD act to remove from our lives. Not to get overly religious, but just as Jesus overturned the Money Changers' tables in the New Testament. This was something that offended his Soul, not his ears or his ego.
We should be secure and in tune with ourselves to be able to REALLY turn our back on the things that offend our Souls. And at the same time secure and confident enough with ourselves to push through the stuff that offends our ears and ego, taking what we need to be better from it, and throwing out the rest.
One other point I want to make with this: If someone like Adam were to come to me, and sincerely be different and willing to make a go at being Friends, I would never turn my back on him. It is his actions, not HIM that I have a problem with. There are a few others that fit into this category. Jesus made it a point to have a problem with the sin not the "sinner". I try to do the same. I do not hold grudges. I do however believe in protecting myself and the ones I love from getting "hit by the same truck over and over."
People who refuse to come back to church because someone said something that "offended" them are a good example of this. Let me tell you, if I were to stop going to church because someone said something that "Offended" me, I'd have gone inactive.... and prolly left completely YEARS ago.
However, I believe that I am the kind of person that can take what someone says, and pull the constructive part out and use it to become a better "Me," and then throw the rest away.... thereby going on with my life without any serious damage being done by ignorant people.
It's like the situation with Adam Peeples. He said things to me, that after examination, I could use to improve the person I am. My problem with him is not that he said things to me I didn't like. It is because he is a hypocrit.... he wanted to hang me for "crimes" he himself is "guilty" of. It's the core of who he is that offends me, vs the words he has said to me. And even so, I would prolly have left it at simply disliking him, if he were an individual. But he then decided to run for office. And I'm sorry, but we have enough garbage in the political system as it is. As a God Fearing American, if I don't stand up for what I believe in when I see a politician further trying to corrupt the system, then I cannot complain when they change the way things are and I don't like the country I live in. So that is my reasoning there. NOT because he said something I didn't like.... but because he is threatening my home with the yuckiness that permeates him to the core.
Which brings me to the flipside of being offended.
There are those times, when we are honest with ourselves, and we a in tune with our SOULS, that something truly offends us...... our core, not our ears. These are the things that we SHOULD act to remove from our lives. Not to get overly religious, but just as Jesus overturned the Money Changers' tables in the New Testament. This was something that offended his Soul, not his ears or his ego.
We should be secure and in tune with ourselves to be able to REALLY turn our back on the things that offend our Souls. And at the same time secure and confident enough with ourselves to push through the stuff that offends our ears and ego, taking what we need to be better from it, and throwing out the rest.
One other point I want to make with this: If someone like Adam were to come to me, and sincerely be different and willing to make a go at being Friends, I would never turn my back on him. It is his actions, not HIM that I have a problem with. There are a few others that fit into this category. Jesus made it a point to have a problem with the sin not the "sinner". I try to do the same. I do not hold grudges. I do however believe in protecting myself and the ones I love from getting "hit by the same truck over and over."
Whatever you give a Woman, she will make it greater...
Whatever you give a Woman, she will make it Greater. If you give her sperm, she will give you a Baby. If you give her a house, she will give you a Home. If you give her groceries, she will give you a Meal. If you give her a smile, she will give you her Heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to recieve a TON of Sh**!
And Yes, it is 100% TRUE!
And Yes, it is 100% TRUE!
Planning a party
I plan WAY in advance for things that are improtant to me. That way we eliminate a lot of the "well, if I'd known sooner..." or, "I couldn't get it off..." People, here's 3 months notice, if you ask for it off now, then you should be ok. Sometimes, I give even more than that.
It's not easy for me to want to plan something and have things so up in the air. I hate the unknown and wondering, "If I plan this now, am I going to fall flat on my face when I can't pull it off because David's job doesn't work out/we aren't in the house we want."
But like I already said, I am a "If you build it" kind of person. The Lord seems to literally have me on that course. Because every time I do, somehow something works out. I have yet to have had to cancel an event. Something always works out... just like the "Parable of the Diamond Ring." (http://gimoosemom.blogspot.com/2009/11/parable-of-diamond-ring.html)
So, now I'm planning Jacob's 1st Birthday Party. And the people I can count on are the same as always. The same people who have always backed me up and made an effort will either be there or have a DAMN good excuse for missing it.
I knew in advance when I picked the date that Rachel and Dan prolly couldn't make it... it's Myra's Bday weekend, and I know that makes it hard. But I could have chosen the weekend before that, and would have run into Chase's Birthday weekend.... so, I tried to make it easier on everyone since I already know Deborah will prolly be having a party for Chase that weekend, where as it's not guaranteed with Myra.
So there it is. Planning an event is a multilayered thing for me. And I am IMMENSELY grateful to the WONDERFUL people who CONSITENTLY make us a priority and try to be there EVERY time! Unfortunately, it's not always our Family, and I expect this to change.
It's not easy for me to want to plan something and have things so up in the air. I hate the unknown and wondering, "If I plan this now, am I going to fall flat on my face when I can't pull it off because David's job doesn't work out/we aren't in the house we want."
But like I already said, I am a "If you build it" kind of person. The Lord seems to literally have me on that course. Because every time I do, somehow something works out. I have yet to have had to cancel an event. Something always works out... just like the "Parable of the Diamond Ring." (http://gimoosemom.blogspot.com/2009/11/parable-of-diamond-ring.html)
So, now I'm planning Jacob's 1st Birthday Party. And the people I can count on are the same as always. The same people who have always backed me up and made an effort will either be there or have a DAMN good excuse for missing it.
I knew in advance when I picked the date that Rachel and Dan prolly couldn't make it... it's Myra's Bday weekend, and I know that makes it hard. But I could have chosen the weekend before that, and would have run into Chase's Birthday weekend.... so, I tried to make it easier on everyone since I already know Deborah will prolly be having a party for Chase that weekend, where as it's not guaranteed with Myra.
So there it is. Planning an event is a multilayered thing for me. And I am IMMENSELY grateful to the WONDERFUL people who CONSITENTLY make us a priority and try to be there EVERY time! Unfortunately, it's not always our Family, and I expect this to change.
I LOVE Wyoming
Seriously, there are quite a few things that bother me about living here. However, at the same time, I love it.
I really have come to enjoy the Friends I've made here. Never before have I connected so well with a group of Moms and been able to get together frequently. Mom's Night In ROCKS ;-)!!!!
I also really enjoy living in the middle of nowhere... unless, of course I need something that require a trip to Salt Lake. And I HATE that it's over 100 miles to the nearest Temple. But I like the small town feel.
I really have come to enjoy the Friends I've made here. Never before have I connected so well with a group of Moms and been able to get together frequently. Mom's Night In ROCKS ;-)!!!!
I also really enjoy living in the middle of nowhere... unless, of course I need something that require a trip to Salt Lake. And I HATE that it's over 100 miles to the nearest Temple. But I like the small town feel.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Wii: Bringing Families to Life
Our Wii is one of the BEST purchases we have EVER made. David has been wanting one for about 3 years now. And it wasn't an expense I was ready to justify. We finally agreed that it was time. YAY for us! Honestly, a day where we all get our Wii Fit Plus in, sets the whole tone for a better day all around.
We weigh and measure everyone's balance and BMI (as if the children have ANY....so it's really just seeing if David and I are still really Fat or not ;-) And then all of us... except Jacob do some training.
And we all have some fun, and feel good.
Rock Band, and Wii Sports are pretty fun all around too. We can all participate on some level.... again, except Jacob on Wii Sports. But on Rock Band, he bounces up and down in his Jumper while David and I play instruments and the girls dance around.
Looks like we had better get on it and get "Just Dance" soon!
We weigh and measure everyone's balance and BMI (as if the children have ANY....so it's really just seeing if David and I are still really Fat or not ;-) And then all of us... except Jacob do some training.
And we all have some fun, and feel good.
Rock Band, and Wii Sports are pretty fun all around too. We can all participate on some level.... again, except Jacob on Wii Sports. But on Rock Band, he bounces up and down in his Jumper while David and I play instruments and the girls dance around.
Looks like we had better get on it and get "Just Dance" soon!
The "Starting" Line up
I'm a Field of Dreams sort of person. I have learned from my own experiences that I seem to be set up on a "If you Build it..." course.
SO, here's what I am presenting:
David will either get the job in Alaska, or Libya. We will be buying a house either in Tooele, Ut or just outside of Anchorage, Ak.
We will have 3 more children, 2 Girls and 1 Boy:
Prudence Nicole
Arabella Hope (Bella) : Twin A
David Benjamin (Ben) : Twin B
Wish me LUCK!
There it is...... we'll see how it plays out ;-)
(And if ANY of you steal my name's, you WILL feel my wrath ;-)
SO, here's what I am presenting:
David will either get the job in Alaska, or Libya. We will be buying a house either in Tooele, Ut or just outside of Anchorage, Ak.
We will have 3 more children, 2 Girls and 1 Boy:
Prudence Nicole
Arabella Hope (Bella) : Twin A
David Benjamin (Ben) : Twin B
Wish me LUCK!
There it is...... we'll see how it plays out ;-)
(And if ANY of you steal my name's, you WILL feel my wrath ;-)
Friday, March 19, 2010
AMEN Sister
Ginger, I have to warn you right now: You are soooo inspiring that you might just have to deal with me feeding off of your words and turning many of them into my own.
Ginger just wrote a blog about Women when it comes to their nature... as apposed to Men and theirs.
Women are designed to nurture. We are designed to protect life. We are designed to care more about the well being of those we nurture than our selves. Men protect and provide, but very few even have the ability to nurture on the level that a real Woman can.
However, if you threaten the things that a Woman has nurtured... her children, her home, her core, it can get incredibly ugly.
IT IS SOOOOO TRUE!!!!!!!!
That is one of the things I cannot agree with more! And believe it or not, society as a whole has lost sight of this. However, if a Woman is worth ANYTHING, she as stated above. And Men need to put their faith and effort into supporting and even defending this in the Women they love.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I have in my care 4 of the most precious treasures in the world. I own a gun for this exact reason, and I WILL use it if they are threatened. And I don't just fight for their physical safety... but for the home that makes them feel safe and secure and provides for their emotional safety as well.
Ginger just wrote a blog about Women when it comes to their nature... as apposed to Men and theirs.
Women are designed to nurture. We are designed to protect life. We are designed to care more about the well being of those we nurture than our selves. Men protect and provide, but very few even have the ability to nurture on the level that a real Woman can.
However, if you threaten the things that a Woman has nurtured... her children, her home, her core, it can get incredibly ugly.
IT IS SOOOOO TRUE!!!!!!!!
That is one of the things I cannot agree with more! And believe it or not, society as a whole has lost sight of this. However, if a Woman is worth ANYTHING, she as stated above. And Men need to put their faith and effort into supporting and even defending this in the Women they love.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I have in my care 4 of the most precious treasures in the world. I own a gun for this exact reason, and I WILL use it if they are threatened. And I don't just fight for their physical safety... but for the home that makes them feel safe and secure and provides for their emotional safety as well.
DO NOT VOTE FOR ADAM PEEPLES!!!!!
All of you Wonderful Magna Residents (or ANYONE in District 22) PLEASE do not vote for Adam Peeples in the upcoming election! Trust me, he is NOT the person he was in High School, and I Believe he is a VERY bad choice to represent the People of Utah!
If he was running as a Democrat. Or even a Liberal, it might be totally different! However, he is not. He is running as a Conservative Republican. His views are not Conservative AT ALL!!!!!! which means that he does not have the same view on things that he is advertising or as the people he is wanting to represent. The problem with this is a simple conflict of interest. He will represent what HE believes. Period. And if it is not the same as what the people he represents believe, then THEY, not HE are just out of luck.
He advertises that if you know him, then you know what he believes. And if you don't, then ask around. Well, I THOUGHT I knew him, but what I KNOW he believes is NOT what conservative Utahns believe. And what I was unclear on, I DID ask around. And have been harrassed, and attacked for it. I even went to people who could give me the truth vs gossip.... his Fiance, and Sister. And was accused of being a "Spy" for his ex wife... who I have NEVER met. When I finally got a chance to speak to HIM, after being shunned for a few YEARS, I told him that I meant no harm.... simply wanted to know the facts from the fiction (I had heard a lot of gossip, and wanted to know the truth.) Now, I have lost several friends for an honest mistake.... or really no mistake, I was simply asking for truth, NOT PASSING ON GOSSIP.
You DO NOT want Adam representing you! He will not tell you the truth. He will not represent YOUR ideals. And he will try to shut up or shut out ANYONE who tries to learn more than he wants people to know. This is fine for an individual. NOT for someone who is supposed to be representing YOUR Honest Christian values and virtues!
If he was running as a Democrat. Or even a Liberal, it might be totally different! However, he is not. He is running as a Conservative Republican. His views are not Conservative AT ALL!!!!!! which means that he does not have the same view on things that he is advertising or as the people he is wanting to represent. The problem with this is a simple conflict of interest. He will represent what HE believes. Period. And if it is not the same as what the people he represents believe, then THEY, not HE are just out of luck.
He advertises that if you know him, then you know what he believes. And if you don't, then ask around. Well, I THOUGHT I knew him, but what I KNOW he believes is NOT what conservative Utahns believe. And what I was unclear on, I DID ask around. And have been harrassed, and attacked for it. I even went to people who could give me the truth vs gossip.... his Fiance, and Sister. And was accused of being a "Spy" for his ex wife... who I have NEVER met. When I finally got a chance to speak to HIM, after being shunned for a few YEARS, I told him that I meant no harm.... simply wanted to know the facts from the fiction (I had heard a lot of gossip, and wanted to know the truth.) Now, I have lost several friends for an honest mistake.... or really no mistake, I was simply asking for truth, NOT PASSING ON GOSSIP.
You DO NOT want Adam representing you! He will not tell you the truth. He will not represent YOUR ideals. And he will try to shut up or shut out ANYONE who tries to learn more than he wants people to know. This is fine for an individual. NOT for someone who is supposed to be representing YOUR Honest Christian values and virtues!
I've had it!!!!!
I am taking every single thing that is in our way around the apartment, and I am stacking it downstairs and then going through it. SOOOOO sick am I of tripping over things!
This means WAR!!!!!
This means WAR!!!!!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Dear Prudence
Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play? Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day. The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful, and so are you. Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play.
Dear Prudence, open up your eyes. Dear Prudence, see the sunny skies. The wind is low, the birds will sing, that you are part of everything. Dear Prudence, won't you open up your eyes?
Dear Prudence, let me see you smile. Dear Prudence, like a little child. The clouds will be a daisy chain, so let me see you smile again. Dear Prudence, won't you let me see you smile?
Look around, round, round. Oh look around.
Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play? Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day. The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful, and so are you. Dear Prudence.... won't you come out to play.
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David and I really seem to like the idea of naming a Daughter Prudence. I normally don't get into names like that. However, it's such a pleasent song. It just makes one Happy. And I like the idea of having a Daughter's name inspire so many happy thoughts that you just want to sing.
That's a little bit of the reason I like Elysia's middle name, Noelle, so much. And with her being born in December, I sing "The First Noel" to her every year at Christmas time.
Dear Prudence, open up your eyes. Dear Prudence, see the sunny skies. The wind is low, the birds will sing, that you are part of everything. Dear Prudence, won't you open up your eyes?
Dear Prudence, let me see you smile. Dear Prudence, like a little child. The clouds will be a daisy chain, so let me see you smile again. Dear Prudence, won't you let me see you smile?
Look around, round, round. Oh look around.
Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play? Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day. The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful, and so are you. Dear Prudence.... won't you come out to play.
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David and I really seem to like the idea of naming a Daughter Prudence. I normally don't get into names like that. However, it's such a pleasent song. It just makes one Happy. And I like the idea of having a Daughter's name inspire so many happy thoughts that you just want to sing.
That's a little bit of the reason I like Elysia's middle name, Noelle, so much. And with her being born in December, I sing "The First Noel" to her every year at Christmas time.
Learning Part II
So along with what I wrote last night, I am actually learning the lessons involved in the trials as well. I'm learning how to back off and play nice even when I don't WANT to be the Peace Maker. But I once read an entry in the Ensign where a Woman realized that she'd rather be Married than "Right."
My Family is soooo important to me. And all that it entales. We have had to fight evil for our Family to be together. And we are going to win.
Just as we start to make progress and get a "leg up," Satan turns up the volume. And he knows just where to hit us. And it works 99% of the time. But we are learning to take the hit, and not let it mortally wound us. We are also gettting better at keeping our Armor strong: building our testimonies, keeping the Spirit in our home, going to church, saying our prayers, etc. And that protection makes a difference.
I thought about it last night.... because whatever lesson needs to be learned, we need this trial our Family has been facing for the past 7 months to be OVER! And I realized that if I am not willing to learn anything from it, then what's the point. I kept thinking last night about whether David had learned HIS lessons. Who BLOODY cares what HE has learned. I can make all the difference if I have learned. And that is exactly what is going to happen. I am going to learn and practice the things I need to and that is going to make a world of difference.
I'll tell you though that this has been one unproductive week. We have taken two very well planned hits and even though we survived very well, it takes some major recovery. Sad, huh? Like I said they are well planned by the adversary. SOOOO all of the packing, and organizing I had planned for this week is taking a back seat to recovering emotionally. But I know The Lord plans and allows for this, and it's just a matter of getting our Family through this.
My Family is soooo important to me. And all that it entales. We have had to fight evil for our Family to be together. And we are going to win.
Just as we start to make progress and get a "leg up," Satan turns up the volume. And he knows just where to hit us. And it works 99% of the time. But we are learning to take the hit, and not let it mortally wound us. We are also gettting better at keeping our Armor strong: building our testimonies, keeping the Spirit in our home, going to church, saying our prayers, etc. And that protection makes a difference.
I thought about it last night.... because whatever lesson needs to be learned, we need this trial our Family has been facing for the past 7 months to be OVER! And I realized that if I am not willing to learn anything from it, then what's the point. I kept thinking last night about whether David had learned HIS lessons. Who BLOODY cares what HE has learned. I can make all the difference if I have learned. And that is exactly what is going to happen. I am going to learn and practice the things I need to and that is going to make a world of difference.
I'll tell you though that this has been one unproductive week. We have taken two very well planned hits and even though we survived very well, it takes some major recovery. Sad, huh? Like I said they are well planned by the adversary. SOOOO all of the packing, and organizing I had planned for this week is taking a back seat to recovering emotionally. But I know The Lord plans and allows for this, and it's just a matter of getting our Family through this.
Learning
Boy do I understand what they mean about Life being like school.
There are trademark "signs" I've learned to recognize when David and I aren't getting along. A fight is on the horizon when A) One of us has gone a significant amount of time since eating last. B) One or both of us is feeling dehydrated, or C) One or both of us is overly tired.
It sounds so "Easy" like "Duh, of course you're going to be cranky." But it's like saying "Just don't fight." It's incredibly easier to say than to do.
It's so frustrating too. I have LEARNED what to watch for. And with pretty precise accuracy, I can tell you with in a few words if we are heading for a fight or not.
And the actions that automatically follow on my part are unmistakable. As SOON as I feel threatened, I do an assessement. And usually put the keys to the van, as well as any cash lying around in a safe "hiding" spot.
This is irrational for the "normal" couple. But you see, I have been in this situation WAY too many times and seen the domino affect that follows.
David has gotten better... for the most part. But so many people just cannot understand. You see, I have been in situations with him, where his anger has overridden his common sense, compassion and all of the other emotions that compell him to stay calm and not want to harm me.
I have seen him do some really illogical stuff when he's angry. He's also threatened to do things that scare me on levels most people don't understand.
I've had to choose between my Children before. He has shut me in a room with 1, 2, or 3 of them and made it so that if I wanted to get to the Child (ren) on the other side of the door, I'd have to leave the ones I was already with. I don't do well with this.
He's threatened to cut me off financially, or taken my car so that I couldn't go anywhere without going on foot.
Don't get me wrong: Things HAVE gotten better. They are rarely that bad since the divorce. And even the "bad" episodes aren't that bad anymore. But it's a reflex now when I see that things COULD head that direction, I automatically begin a routine that guarantees the safest outcome for the Children and myself.
Tonight was one of those nights. It has turned out FINE. The keys to the van however are tucked away nice and safe.....
And THEN, as David and I are talking, he mentions that he is feeling dehydrated. And it's one of those "Ah-ha" moments, where I should have guessed.
There are trademark "signs" I've learned to recognize when David and I aren't getting along. A fight is on the horizon when A) One of us has gone a significant amount of time since eating last. B) One or both of us is feeling dehydrated, or C) One or both of us is overly tired.
It sounds so "Easy" like "Duh, of course you're going to be cranky." But it's like saying "Just don't fight." It's incredibly easier to say than to do.
It's so frustrating too. I have LEARNED what to watch for. And with pretty precise accuracy, I can tell you with in a few words if we are heading for a fight or not.
And the actions that automatically follow on my part are unmistakable. As SOON as I feel threatened, I do an assessement. And usually put the keys to the van, as well as any cash lying around in a safe "hiding" spot.
This is irrational for the "normal" couple. But you see, I have been in this situation WAY too many times and seen the domino affect that follows.
David has gotten better... for the most part. But so many people just cannot understand. You see, I have been in situations with him, where his anger has overridden his common sense, compassion and all of the other emotions that compell him to stay calm and not want to harm me.
I have seen him do some really illogical stuff when he's angry. He's also threatened to do things that scare me on levels most people don't understand.
I've had to choose between my Children before. He has shut me in a room with 1, 2, or 3 of them and made it so that if I wanted to get to the Child (ren) on the other side of the door, I'd have to leave the ones I was already with. I don't do well with this.
He's threatened to cut me off financially, or taken my car so that I couldn't go anywhere without going on foot.
Don't get me wrong: Things HAVE gotten better. They are rarely that bad since the divorce. And even the "bad" episodes aren't that bad anymore. But it's a reflex now when I see that things COULD head that direction, I automatically begin a routine that guarantees the safest outcome for the Children and myself.
Tonight was one of those nights. It has turned out FINE. The keys to the van however are tucked away nice and safe.....
And THEN, as David and I are talking, he mentions that he is feeling dehydrated. And it's one of those "Ah-ha" moments, where I should have guessed.
Our Green Dinner
Tonight turned out to be a bigger pain than I anticipated when I decided to make a special St Patrick's Day Dinner. However, despite how long it took before we could finally eat, it turned out pretty well.
Here we have my Irish Soda Bread, Green Lemonade, Green Funeral Potatoes, and Green Scrambled Eggs.
We also had some bacon to produce a Hearty Irish Meal, as well as simulate Green Eggs and Ham.
Here we have my Irish Soda Bread, Green Lemonade, Green Funeral Potatoes, and Green Scrambled Eggs. We also had some bacon to produce a Hearty Irish Meal, as well as simulate Green Eggs and Ham.Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Irish Feast
I am not up for making Colcannon or Corned Beef and Cabbage today..... SO on our menu for dinner is:
Green Eggs and Ham,
Green Pancakes,
Irish Soda Bread,
and some Green "Special" Lemonade (no alcohol in ours ;-)
Now to get to the store ;-)
Green Eggs and Ham,
Green Pancakes,
Irish Soda Bread,
and some Green "Special" Lemonade (no alcohol in ours ;-)
Now to get to the store ;-)
Favorites
The things I REALLY like in life and often can't live without therefore will spend money on no matter how much or little we may have (these are ALL material things. PEOPLE are not on this particular list.):
Tide with Bleach
Baby Wipes
Delicious (DKNY) perfume
Lucky You perfume
Winter Candy Apple body spray fr Bath and Body works
Clorox Green Wipes
Lysol
Moose Tracks ice cream
BOOKS
Uncrustables
Willow Tree Figures
MOOSES
Lip Gloss
Tide with Bleach
Baby Wipes
Delicious (DKNY) perfume
Lucky You perfume
Winter Candy Apple body spray fr Bath and Body works
Clorox Green Wipes
Lysol
Moose Tracks ice cream
BOOKS
Uncrustables
Willow Tree Figures
MOOSES
Lip Gloss
Blogging
I may be seriously reevaluating my blogging. A couple of House episodes ago, the main "case" was a Lady who blogged. She was very candid when she blogged. Ginger's blogging has me thinking too. I want to be more... um candid. Like Ginger has said, "You can't make this "stuff" up." ;-)
We were out all day today. And I LOVED it. I also love the days when I feel like a grown up. I mean, if I'm going to be one, I'd better be good at it. And no, today wasn't perfect... (as far as me being the perfect grown up) however, I think I did ok. I like the days when I feel certain of myself, and like I have some sense of how to do this.
I really enjoy the people I've grown close to here in Wy. It's different than other places I've lived. We really have fun. And I think we all think a lot alike and know the "social etiquette" of interacting.... for the most part.
I like contributing to the greater "whole." I like being in give and take relationships. I like situations where everyone contributes, and everyone gets something in return. I appreciate the people in my life who have taught me better how to give a bigger portion and balance things out better, rather than always taking the bigger share. I like situations that teach me how to be a better grown up.
I LOVE dinner parties and potlucks. Really, I do.
And I love my Friends who supply and enable my "addictions."
I guess tomorrow better be all about laundry. Because by Friday, it's time to have some more much needed Playgroup time. And then Saturday is another "Mommies' Night In."
I love David for understanding (Most of the time) how much I need my time away and a chance to interact with people I can relate to.
We were out all day today. And I LOVED it. I also love the days when I feel like a grown up. I mean, if I'm going to be one, I'd better be good at it. And no, today wasn't perfect... (as far as me being the perfect grown up) however, I think I did ok. I like the days when I feel certain of myself, and like I have some sense of how to do this.
I really enjoy the people I've grown close to here in Wy. It's different than other places I've lived. We really have fun. And I think we all think a lot alike and know the "social etiquette" of interacting.... for the most part.
I like contributing to the greater "whole." I like being in give and take relationships. I like situations where everyone contributes, and everyone gets something in return. I appreciate the people in my life who have taught me better how to give a bigger portion and balance things out better, rather than always taking the bigger share. I like situations that teach me how to be a better grown up.
I LOVE dinner parties and potlucks. Really, I do.
And I love my Friends who supply and enable my "addictions."
I guess tomorrow better be all about laundry. Because by Friday, it's time to have some more much needed Playgroup time. And then Saturday is another "Mommies' Night In."
I love David for understanding (Most of the time) how much I need my time away and a chance to interact with people I can relate to.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Crying
I've been crying a lot more these days. It's odd for me. The last time I cied this easily, I was freshly pregnant with Jacob. And I KNOW I'm not pregnant.
I think it's a combination of being overwhelmed, and hopefully being more sensitive to the Spirit.
Any emotion this past week is too much, it seems and easily and quickly leads to snotting and tears.
I cry when I'm happy. Sad. Angry. Hurt. This is new for me.
I've gone through phases in my life. Some where I cried a lot. Others where I didn't cry at all... for ANY reason.
And now....
I think it's a combination of being overwhelmed, and hopefully being more sensitive to the Spirit.
Any emotion this past week is too much, it seems and easily and quickly leads to snotting and tears.
I cry when I'm happy. Sad. Angry. Hurt. This is new for me.
I've gone through phases in my life. Some where I cried a lot. Others where I didn't cry at all... for ANY reason.
And now....
Monday, March 15, 2010
What I really think this morning at 1:30 Pm ;-)
It's one of those days that I really want to journal my thoughts. So....
Starting off, morning for me is 1:30 PM today. I slept till 12:30... last night was rough.
I understand the teaching experience that comes with our current situation. However, it's really starting to SUCK. David is getting crankier, and angrier. And he more often than not is resembling the person I divorced rather than the one I married. I'm having a hard time pulling it together daily as well. We had a rough night.... but I am VERY pleased to say we pulled out of it better than we usually do. But it kicked my BUTT!!!!! It always does.
This last trip to Salt Lake was a double edged sword. We needed the "break" and the chance to go to the Temple and Party a little. However, I had some momentum built up that got seriously messed with being gone and out of the groove for a week. Now I have to sort of start from scratch. Saturday I was able to get going.... today, not so easy.
HOWEVER: I am sooooo grateful for personal revelation. My Patriarchal Blessing is SUCH a comfort. So is David's.
Starting off, morning for me is 1:30 PM today. I slept till 12:30... last night was rough.
I understand the teaching experience that comes with our current situation. However, it's really starting to SUCK. David is getting crankier, and angrier. And he more often than not is resembling the person I divorced rather than the one I married. I'm having a hard time pulling it together daily as well. We had a rough night.... but I am VERY pleased to say we pulled out of it better than we usually do. But it kicked my BUTT!!!!! It always does.
This last trip to Salt Lake was a double edged sword. We needed the "break" and the chance to go to the Temple and Party a little. However, I had some momentum built up that got seriously messed with being gone and out of the groove for a week. Now I have to sort of start from scratch. Saturday I was able to get going.... today, not so easy.
HOWEVER: I am sooooo grateful for personal revelation. My Patriarchal Blessing is SUCH a comfort. So is David's.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Some times, it's just time to stop trying
I am soooo happy to be back home.
I learn a lot on my trips to Utah. We sort of "Shove ourselves down our Families' throats" as David puts it. And therefore we get to see a lot of different sides of them.
Our Friends too.
And this last trip I realized that I keep trying to get the experience I WANT out of each trip. And it usually ends up being a frustration. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy our trips. But there are certain scenarios where really I just keep running into the same pane of glass saying "Maybe this time." (Bee Movie)
I am done. I have learned that the best way to change the experience, is to stop expecting different results from the same situations.
SOOOOO
We will be sticking close to home for a while.
I love seeing people that don't live close, and that I care about. But it takes too much to travel the way we do.
I am extending an open invitation to all that we are close to. My home is always open. However, we will be doing ALL of our Holidays at home for a while. Hopefully, we will be able to move to Tooele, and thereby be able to see the people we love AND stay close to home.
One thing that I LOVED about this trip was getting to go to the Temple TWICE. I was able to go to both the Draper, and Oquirrh Mountain Temples. That was great. My prayers are being focused on being able to move closer to a Temple soon. I want to be able to go often. But we have to pack half our home just to get to Salt Lake. And it is very taxing on us. There are just too many of us now.
I learn a lot on my trips to Utah. We sort of "Shove ourselves down our Families' throats" as David puts it. And therefore we get to see a lot of different sides of them.
Our Friends too.
And this last trip I realized that I keep trying to get the experience I WANT out of each trip. And it usually ends up being a frustration. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy our trips. But there are certain scenarios where really I just keep running into the same pane of glass saying "Maybe this time." (Bee Movie)
I am done. I have learned that the best way to change the experience, is to stop expecting different results from the same situations.
SOOOOO
We will be sticking close to home for a while.
I love seeing people that don't live close, and that I care about. But it takes too much to travel the way we do.
I am extending an open invitation to all that we are close to. My home is always open. However, we will be doing ALL of our Holidays at home for a while. Hopefully, we will be able to move to Tooele, and thereby be able to see the people we love AND stay close to home.
One thing that I LOVED about this trip was getting to go to the Temple TWICE. I was able to go to both the Draper, and Oquirrh Mountain Temples. That was great. My prayers are being focused on being able to move closer to a Temple soon. I want to be able to go often. But we have to pack half our home just to get to Salt Lake. And it is very taxing on us. There are just too many of us now.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The way we love
Something I've noticed in life is that it is common to see "love" triangles. And I don't mean just romantic love triangles. It's common to see a situation where person A wants person B's affection. But person B wants to give person C that affection, or wants the affection from person C vs. person A.
A child might desparately seek their Mother's affection, for example. But that mother is more focused on giving that affection to or recieving affection from another child.
It's a hard scenario. And one I am glad that I have become wise to while my Children are still young. This way I can be aware of the tendancies.... because I believe it's unfortunately "natural" in a lot of situations. And I have seen it in my own circles of Friends and Family.
I've notice Elizabeth and Abby are constantly pushing me for my affection. And I love them both dearly. But sometimes it is easier for me to show that affection to Elysia or Jacob. So armed with this awareness, and knowledge, I am able to step back and give Elizabeth or Abby what they are needing from me. I hope that all of my children can find a fulfillment in my love for them and not feel unsatisfied and need to search other places to fill that place.
That is one of my goals as I parent. To be what they need, rather than what I want to give them. Their needs are there for a reason, and I need to step up and be equal to the challenge.
A child might desparately seek their Mother's affection, for example. But that mother is more focused on giving that affection to or recieving affection from another child.
It's a hard scenario. And one I am glad that I have become wise to while my Children are still young. This way I can be aware of the tendancies.... because I believe it's unfortunately "natural" in a lot of situations. And I have seen it in my own circles of Friends and Family.
I've notice Elizabeth and Abby are constantly pushing me for my affection. And I love them both dearly. But sometimes it is easier for me to show that affection to Elysia or Jacob. So armed with this awareness, and knowledge, I am able to step back and give Elizabeth or Abby what they are needing from me. I hope that all of my children can find a fulfillment in my love for them and not feel unsatisfied and need to search other places to fill that place.
That is one of my goals as I parent. To be what they need, rather than what I want to give them. Their needs are there for a reason, and I need to step up and be equal to the challenge.
Emotional High
I had a party for David tonight (well, last night really). It was a lot of fun, and showed us some things about people that we didn't realize before. We were surprised by the guests who did or didn't come. Pleased to see the support of some truly amazing people.
I was proud of myself. There was a very small "incident" between two of our guests, both of whom I care about A LOT! It would be normal for me to nod and "agree" with both sides to please "everyone." However, I told both parties how I truly felt, and felt secure enough in our relationship to know that they would love me just as much either way.
Miriam, you and Chris were AWESOME Hosts! Thank you a million and 100 more times over for your generosity!
Being truly frank, I was quite upset over the absence of David's youngest Brother. I think the fact that he chose not to come was rude.
I also realized that I will be having the rest of our parties at home. Wherever that may be. It is just to emotionally.... and physically draining to travel long distances, and care for a Family of 6 on the go like this. I truly pray that we will be able to move to Tooele so that we can still be involved with and invite the people we love. But this trip was just too much to keep doing it. That's one thing that I've noticed pretty consistantly: After an emotionally fulfilling night like this, there is always the let down afterward. I don't mean to be negative. It's just that leaving the Temple, for example: There's this amazing high from the experience, and then coming out into the "real world" and having so much going on that isn't even in the same realm as what was just experienced, is hard.
I was proud of myself. There was a very small "incident" between two of our guests, both of whom I care about A LOT! It would be normal for me to nod and "agree" with both sides to please "everyone." However, I told both parties how I truly felt, and felt secure enough in our relationship to know that they would love me just as much either way.
Miriam, you and Chris were AWESOME Hosts! Thank you a million and 100 more times over for your generosity!
Being truly frank, I was quite upset over the absence of David's youngest Brother. I think the fact that he chose not to come was rude.
I also realized that I will be having the rest of our parties at home. Wherever that may be. It is just to emotionally.... and physically draining to travel long distances, and care for a Family of 6 on the go like this. I truly pray that we will be able to move to Tooele so that we can still be involved with and invite the people we love. But this trip was just too much to keep doing it. That's one thing that I've noticed pretty consistantly: After an emotionally fulfilling night like this, there is always the let down afterward. I don't mean to be negative. It's just that leaving the Temple, for example: There's this amazing high from the experience, and then coming out into the "real world" and having so much going on that isn't even in the same realm as what was just experienced, is hard.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Avatar and Temples
I CANNOT say enough about how much I liked this movie!
I also got the chance to shake things up a bit and go to the Draper, Temple for once. Gorgeous!!!!!
I also got the chance to shake things up a bit and go to the Draper, Temple for once. Gorgeous!!!!!
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