Coming out

WARNING: THIS IS A LONG, TEDIOUS ENTRY THAT YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO READ... AND IF YOU DO READ IT PLEASE WITHHOLD JUDGEMENT IF YOU DO NOT KNOW THE WHOLE STORY ( basically, skip this post if you don't want to see how it ends ;-)

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It has to be done. I am sorry for the candidness some of you are about to experience from me for the first time. I want to start out by saying that the people who can now read my blog exclusively (yeah, I am just that special ;-) I believe are people who care enough about me and my Family that I can be honest and open without the fear of retribution or being "disowned" for lack of a better word.

Not being 100% honest, I feel is a lot like being bi-polar. It is essential in my opinion to be able to be 100% open about who you are.

So, here it is:

This will only be the first time hearing this particular confession for a few of you. For the majority of you this is "old news."

You ALL know that David and I got a divorce in 2008. You all also know who Jared is.

Jared was a mistake. Plain and simple. However, he was a Godsend at the time. There was soooo much wrong with my marriage, and it was like a mortal wound with a band aid on it. And it was too scary to remove that band aid to see what really needed to happen to heal the wound. So it stayed the way it was. And it infected more people and relationships than it ever should have.

It took Jared entering the picture to pull the band aid off, and examine what really needed to be done.

At that point, the marriage could NOT be saved. It needed to be completely amputated.

I AM NOT proud of the role I allowed Jared to play. However, it facilitated so much good.

He was what I needed at the time. He was what I NEVER thought I could have: Someone who could love me and My Girls.... besides their Father. Someone who was not willing to stand by and watch while the band aid stayed on yet the Collective Whole died.

Jared started out as a Good and Healthy outlet.

He shared my beliefs and was strong enough to be what I needed and fore go the temptations that came with the situation.

We could go to the Temple together. Something David and I had not done for a long time. There were things I could relax on that I just couldn't with David. I could be myself in ways with Jared that I couldn't with David.

And I was healing. And the Girls were loved and cared for.

One of the BIGGEST things that made the situation so amazing was being able to trust Jared with My Daughters. I never for one moment had ANY reason to doubt that he would not take advantage of them. I know that is part of why My Mom has never remarried. She always worried about the possibility that any man she was with and allowed to be around me might do something to hurt me.

However, hindsight being 20/20.....

I do not know how much of what Jared brought to the situation was real. The ONLY thing I am sure of is that he was either genuine on some level, or a SERIOUSLY good actor. I am also fortunately 100% positive that he never hurt My Girls.

HOWEVER, whether he meant to or not, and even though I was a consenting participant, he did eventually take advantage of the situation. The Godsend that he started out as turned into another mortal wound.

Fortunately, the original wound had healed enough that this was bearable.

I don't really know how to say everything that applies. But it's almost like he was there to be the catalyst to heal the original wound, however, with David and I ultimately needing to be together, he then needed to become the disease and give David a chance to complete the healing I needed. (Clear as mud? ;-)

I will take 100% responsibility for what happened. But I will also say that Jared betrayed me in the end, and then ran from his crime.

I thought at first that he was the one who finally broke me. However, I was surprised to find out that I didn't break when he left. I was soooo much stronger than I had ever guessed.

David was the Hero of the story. But for the first time in my life, I didn't NEED a Hero. By this point, I was no longer weak enough to need someone ELSE to save me.
Okay.... now that you are thoroughly bored.... (yes, you CAN stop now if you want)

Here's the problem:

I "lived" with Jared while technically still married to David. (Yes, it means what you think it means. I just don't have it in me to spell it out right now.)

It was part of the broken marriage that was so diseased already that really, at that point it was just one more reason to be done with it.

Was it wrong? COMPLETELY. However, I will say this: I was completely honest about where I stood on my feelings. Does that make it right? NO. But I need the complete picture painted here. David was not the clueless Husband who thought everything was fine in his marriage and then was blindsided. I had filed a restraining order. We were living in completely separate residences....just days away from our divorce being finalized. There was NO intention of EVER sharing our lives, beyond sharing Our Children, again. The financial support had been sorted out, custody of The Children determined, property divided, etc. We were Through!!!!

And then, it was over. (Another chance if you'd rather get back to your life)

And then, it wasn't.

David came at the situation with a gusto I didn't know he had in him. Just DAYS before the Judge made his final ruling.

Jared had bailed, and I was on my own. And as much as I hated where that left me, I was ok.

It took some time, yes, but ultimately, I was fine.

And through the summer, David and I were finally Best Friends.

Who then, fell in love.

And decided that we could leave the past in the past, and share a future.

I did what I needed to fix what happened with Jared. I worked through it at the appropriate church level, and it was healing..... BEFORE David and I even approached the idea of getting back together.

He knew what my past entailed. He'd "made peace" with it.... or so I thought. And I think to the best of his knowledge, he had.

This is where remarrying the person you divorced gets dangerous.

The past few fights we've had, have been eye opening for me.

David is so angry when he gets.... well, angry.

And he's angry about things that nothing can be done about. Which is probably the exact reason he's soooo angry.

It has to boil down to feeling like he can't control his life right now. He doesn't want to be home with me and The Children all day every day. I understand this. He wants to be doing what he's "Supposed" to be doing. He needs to work. He needs a job. Not just because of the obvious reasons. But because that's how it's "Supposed" to be.

He has had a lot to yell about as far as Jared is concerned the past couple of fights. (or so he thinks anyway ;-) He has brought it up loudly and brutally.

Now I know better than to get overly self righteous in this situation. However, it is centering and confidence building to know that I am on solid ground and "in the right" when he gets into the "accusation" mode.

I have grown so much in the knowledge of who I am and where I stand in the past year or so. I am more confident than I have ever been and know when I am wrong, but also, when I am not. Yes, I am that in tune with who I am. No, I am not perfect in that area or any other, and yes, I still make really stupid mistakes and judgement calls sometimes. But they are so fine tuned. I can normally get myself back in line in a matter of minutes or hours compared to the days, months or years that it used to take.

I am NOT the person I was throughout my first marriage to David.

And I won't even get into the discussion we had with the Bishop after the latest fight.... but even he openly agreed that I am different. And really even David conceded to that fact once he'd calmed down.

This ISN'T to "Toot my own horn." This is me being honest. What good does it do to feign modesty where none is warranted?

However, after some of the discussions that have taken place, and some of the things I've read over the past day or so, I think getting this out in the open is going to help healing take place. For me as well as others.

I love the TV show Big Love. I highly recommend it to all of you.

The latest episode, Nicki, Bill's 2ND of his 3 wives, finally reaches a point where she can allow herself to love and be loved after being with Bill for a decade and having 2 Children with him. And she realizes that she loves Bill.

The relevance of this is that in the middle of David being so angry. And rehashing my sin over and over the past few fights, I realized that I love David with ALL of who I am. And I am 1,000,000% + committed to him. I could confidently stand face to face with him, and fight for our marriage when all he could say is "I am done." And "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

Truth really is a strong weapon. Because it didn't really hurt my feelings or my pride to be told that he couldn't trust my commitment to him. Because I have not for one SECOND even in my mind been unfaithful to him in this marriage. And I never will be. However, I DID point out to him that what he was saying was EXACTLY the way to make it a self fulfilling prophecy.

But something that was said recently in Church by one of our Leaders was "How kind we are to others is not based on how deserving of our kindness THEY are, but the quality of person that WE are." I don't choose whether or not to cheat on David based on whether or not he deserves it... but based on the fact that I am better than that.

It also gave me the confidence to let him go if that's what he really wanted.

I am grateful that it's not what he wanted. And I knew from the second he said it was, and then was unwilling to compromise in order to leave (such another LOOOOOOONG topic), that he was not capable of standing behind what he was saying he wanted..... because it was a lie.

But it's painful as well as revealing to have something like this brought up after so much has been put into "fixing" it. And as much as I hate having this back in the limelight, I am so grateful to have the confidence and commitment I have to know who I am and what I stand for. The saying goes "You have to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything." That is the person I WAS. And as grateful as I am for my Life's path... even when I was lost, I wish I had found myself before I needed to teach 3 others who they are. On one hand, I wish I was just now starting my Family. It would be so much healthier. But I know that I would miss out on My Girls if I had waited. SO thank God for ignorance that with the right opportunity can turn into wisdom.