Unlovable

Being unlovable is such a horrid feeling.



I believe that I have a comfortable enough self-esteem that I do not believe myself to be unlovable.



And unfortunately, the fear of being unloveable is usually a self fulfilling prophecy. A person feels unloved, therefore they attempt to pass that on and make others suffer too. Then those people feel unloved, and the original person is no longer loved.



Clear as mud?



Most of you think you know David pretty well. But I promise you do not unless you have seen the Dark Side of David.



Most of you at one point or another have viewed me as regimental, strict.... capable of love but with my own "non typical" way of treating those I love. I'm hard on My Husband and My Children. I'm sure most of you do not doubt that I love them "in my way."



This is what I have to say.



The way I act with My Husband and Children is a protection. It is how I pull my Family.... the SUN in my world, through David's Dark Side.



You see, in most Children's lives, it is good that they learn right from wrong, and how to follow rules and directions. In My Children's lives, it is ESSENTIAL. It sucks. And I try to find different ways of easing up on them. But then, we have a night like tonight. And that regimen, the routine, their knowledge of what is and is not acceptable is how we stay afloat. Because I can say something quick, and without a ton of detail, and they know what I need them to do. Or I can say it once, and get results. Or they understand that no matter how chaotic things might be in one part of the house, nothing is different in the rest of the house.... and they know that if they really need me I will respond because there is no room for "crying wolf." And they are really Good Little Troopers about it. Because you see, as important as they are to me, their Father is just as important. And I like the way it is depicted in the movie "What Dreams May Come." He is the other half of me. And I would go to Hell and back to fight for what we have when things are good between us. They did really well tonight. I have so much to be proud of.



Unfortunately, it's happening more frequently lately. I am not 100% sure why. David must be lost and feeling pretty helpless.



We had an argument. I am not feeling well, as it is. I have another stinking cold. So, I had slept most of the day. I stated an opinion that I have no business even having when I am sick because I can't back it up. And it offended David. So, I tried going upstairs to lay down. Then I was hurt because he didn't try to make amends.



I came down and told him he'd hurt my feelings. We argued back and forth for a few minutes, I cried a little, and then he lost it.



He tried to take the keys to the van and cut my finger in his attempt. When I said he was hurting me, he said "Good." He then picked up our gun, and said he was going to find the bullets and that's all I heard.



I debated whether to get the police involved. Chose not to because that never ends well.



I found David downstairs, going through (tearing through is more accurate.... with grease and grime from the gun box on his hands) my clean laundry to find all of his clothes so he could leave.



The next 4 hours is not worth documenting in detail except that it consisted of the Children upstairs getting into mild mischief, however, as stated above, doing realitively well.... Elizabeth and Elysia did a pretty good job with Jacob.... while I pleaded with David to calm down andchange his mind about leaving us (he was talking for good.... not like suicide, but he mentioned courts, and lawyers and such.) (NO GUN WAS INVOLVED, he had put it away) I called the Bishop and asked him to come by. Finally, I got David to agree not to make any rash decisions, and basically stay put while I got the Children taken care of at least reasonably. THEY WERE NOT IN DANGER OR HARMED IN ANY WAY.



I got them bathed and in the process, it was hard to emotionally be what they needed. You see, for 4 hours, David told me so many things about how he doesn't love me, how horrible I am, how he wants nothing to do with me and doesn't want to be with me anymore. While I said things like "I'm sorry for fighting with you." " I love you." "Please Stay!" "I was wrong."



SO then to go and be with the Children was painful. Because I felt so uncared for by David that I wanted to lash out. Those Sweet Babies of mine needed love and affection, and my natural reaction was to do to them what David had spent hours doing to me.



NO I DIDN'T!!!! I was fortunately aware of the exact cycle I've been describing, and how damaging and destructive it is. I told them I loved them, and that I was there to protect and take care of them. I'm simply pointing out the way these situations naturally go. That being "kicked" made it an effort to not want to "kick" the next person. Do you understand??????



But because of the hurt I was feeling, it was all I could do to get them to bed without doing more damage than had already been done. They however DID get to bed with minimal trauma ;-)

David eventually calmed down. The Bishop came by and spoke with us.

The absolute MOST frustrating thing for me was knowing at 6:00 that as angry as David was, it was just a matter of time before he was thinking rationally and being reasonable again. The only variable was the amount of time that would elapse and extent of the damage that would be done between point A and point B. I could see this.... it is how it always is. But he was too angry to see it at the time. So Damage Control was my top priority all around. Unfortunately when he is angry, he doesn't care, and therefore doesn't do much by way of helping in this area. If fact he often does the exact opposite.

Now I have 10 loads of laundry that were clean that have to be rewashed. Plus recovery time from being sick and under extreme stress. Plus 4 children who need a ton of reassurance and extra love that I just don't have in me at this exact moment.

Don't get me wrong.... My Children are what my focus is on. I just have to heal emotionally to a point where I have enough in my "bucket" to add to theirs.

FORTUNATELY, in the mean time, David is here, and after getting to vent for a LONG time, he has a little extra to give them while I recoup.