A word on Gratitude

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend.... He was always there for her.. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.'

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.... See More

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her Saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for beforeThey were yours, they were mine.'

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.


Life Is a Gift

Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion..

Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before whining about the distance you drive- Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still Around.

Something's Coming

There is a song from West Side Story that describes my exact feelings and thoughts righ not:

"Could be! Who knows? There's something due any day; I will know right away, Soon as it shows. It may come cannonballing down through the sky, Gleam in its eye, Bright as a rose!

Who knows? It's only just out of reach, Down the block, on a beach, Under a tree. I got a feeling there's a miracle due, Gonna come true, Coming to me! Could it be? Yes, it could. Something's coming, something good, If I can wait! Something's coming, I don't know what it is, But it is Gonna be great!

With a click, with a shock, Phone'll jingle, door'll knock, Open the latch! Something's coming, don't know when, but it's soon; Catch the moon, One-handed catch! Around the corner, Or whistling down the river, Come on, deliver To me! Will it be? Yes, it will. Maybe just by holding still, It'll be there!

Come on, something, come on in, don't be shy, Meet a guy, Pull up a chair! The air is humming, And something great is coming! Who knows? It's only just out of reach, Down the block, on a beach, Maybe tonight . . . "

Define Desires

David gave me a Blessing yesterday. It referred to my Wants, Needs, and Desires. It got me thinking about what exactly a Desire is. I realized that it fits right in the middle of wants and needs. Wants are things that you .... well, WANT ;-). But seriously, a want is something that would be nice to have. Trinkets, per say. Things to enjoy. Needs, of course are things that you either can't survive with out, or pretty close to can't survive without. And then there are desires. They are things that would really make life easier. For example: I have a washer and dryer set that I really like. Having a washer and dryer for us is a need. We COULD survive without them, but not very easily.... and would still have to have a way to get our clothes clean. So they are in the need category as something that we almost could not survive without since we don't have anywhere close to do laundry. However, the TYPE of washer and dryer we have are not critical to our ability to get our clothes clean. The washer and dryer set we had before did the job just fine. Not NEARLY as well, but adequate. Making the set we have a desire. Because the job they do really make things quite a bit easier for us.... and some of you know that laundry is a thing I get backed up on a lot. They meet the large load need and quick dry need better than others would. They are not say the "Cadillac" of appliances (Which would fit into the want category). But they aren't "old school" either. They are right in the middle. Another example: I WANT the job that pays a million dollars. We NEED a job that pays the bills and allows us to live. A job that pays enough for us to support ourselves and help our parents and others out is a DESIRE.

Anyhow, I am sooo Grateful for a Heavenly Father who cares about not only my needs, but my desires as well.

The Lord's Prayer

i know this is kind of... out of the ordinary. But I was thinking about this yesterday. I want this to become my "Mantra," "Blueprint," "Theme," what have you. How many of us really truly think about these words?

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Thine is the kingdom,
the power and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen
(King James Bible AD 1611)


"...Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us..... For Thine is the ....power and glory for ever."

I want to take it line by line.

*"Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven...." : Pretty self explanitory. But it is the TRUE plea for World order and peace.
*"Give us this day our daily bread...": This is one of the lines that stuck out the most. Jesus could get his "bread" for himself, most likely. But he asked His Father for it. We are looking at the possibility of having more money than we ever thought. And we NEED it to do the things we need to do in this life. But no matter how much money we have, we need to be asking Our Father daily to give us the things we need to sustain our lives. For "The Lord giveth, and He taketh away." We can lose millions of dollars just as fast as we can get it. We need to NEVER forget WHO gives us our "Daily Bread."
*"Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us...": This is our task in life.... to be willing to turn our "load,"sin,"frailties," etc over to the Lord, and ask him to remove them.... BUT we have to do it for others too!!!! We CANNOT ask for our imperfections to be forgiven and then refuse to overlook another's.
*"For THINE is the power and glory forever...": Again, pretty self explanitory. BUT we need to remember to give GOD the Glory. Not us. Not man. The power to give and to take away is HIS. Always. We are so insignificant in comparison. And for those who seek power, and glory... well, the best way to truly get it, is to become like Our Father.

Time to grow up!

I think I've finally done it. I've grown up ;-). Stopped lashing out and throwing tantrums. Stopped getting back at people. Stopped wanting fairness at any cost.

Today we got emails of documents that have been faxed to unemployment by Cameron. They are going all out in order for us to not get unemployment. Nadia, the "Girl" who ultimately put the final nail in David's coffin which resulted in his being fired, got fired months ago.... and David went to bat for her and got her job back. We felt sorry for her since she is a Single Mother. I have babysat for her. He also saved her from severe injury when she was taking a cap off unsafely. Ugh. Anyhow, she signed a statement stating that David was more or less a "Screwup" at work. She now has his job. And it's VERY hard not to hate her for it. SOme of the "Guys" who still work at Cameron have said "Nadia better never run into Dave Rose's Wife.... His wife would kick the crap out of her." Well, I have to admit that their thinking that I would win is flattering.... and really, boy would I love to give her a piece of my mind. BUT, I have decided growing up is better :-)

Maybe???

We went to the Mall tonight and I met Anna for myself. She told me the same things she told David about this job in Libya. She is either telling the truth, or a SERIOUSLY good liar ! There were no holes in her story, and it was the exact same story she told David. I asked her what the chances were of her "Taking my Husband off of my hands" ;-) . She said "Pretty good." Her Brother is supposed to be here Friday. So, here's what we've been told:

* if she can get David on the first "wave" of shipments, they will fly him to Austin, Tx just after New Year's. From Austin, he will go with the equipment they are sending to Libya by convoy to Pennsylvania.... it has to leave on Jan 10th. Then they will fly him home for 2 weeks. He will leave after those 2 weeks for Libya in order to arrive when the equipment does.

* They will get his passport for him

* He will be staying in a 5 bedroom "trailer" with 4 other guys

* They are working out a Full benefit pckg for Health Insurance where we would have zero co pay or out of pocket expense

* They are also working on a "College Fund" for the Children of their workers. Which would include the option of an internship during the summer with the company while the Children are in College. Appearently they have rigs here in the US.

* David will be gone for three months at a time and then home for three weeks.

So, now we'll see what happens. I KNOW it sounds too good to be true in MANY ways.

Tender Mercies

My life is filled with such things. I found myself the other day, wanting to call and share my contentment with everyone I could.

Today was a prime example. David has been helping our Elders Quorum President build a garage. This Wonderful Man paid David for his help even though we didn't expect him to. David was not working, therefore there was no reason not to help. But he paid David anyway which has helped us purchase some of the things we really needed/wanted.

With Christmas coming up, we are low on cash. We really want to spend Christmas in Salt Lake. And as my previous Blog states, if everything goes well with David's appeals hearing on the 17th, that shouldn't be a problem... but that is still to be determined... and a whole week away.

Today, we got some of the things we needed, leaving us with just enough money left for gas to get us through the next week. David had to run to the store tonight to get some groceries. We didn't bother with him taking money for gas, it's a short trip.

On his way home from the store, he ran out of gas. He called my phone, which was in the car with him. So he then called the Elders Quorum President with just the hope that he could give him a ride home to get some money, and bring a gas can so he could put enough gas in the car to get to the gas station.

The Elders Quorum President picked David up, they went and got his gas can with a gallon of gas in it, bypassed our house, and went and got the van to the gas station where he filled up our tank without using a penny of our money. PLUS The Elders Quorum President brought up the fact that he still owed David for one day of work, which we weren't worried about at all. David told him this, and he told David that he was, and paid him. SO, I was mulling the situation over in my head. Thinking about how if only David hadn't gone to the store, he wouldn't have run out of gas.... this was before I knew about what The Elders Quorum President had done for us (David had text messaged the computer to let me know he was out of gas and someone was coming to help). I realized that if he hadn't gone, we probably would have all tried to go somewhere in the next couple of days, and gotten stuck with all 6 of us in the van rather than just David. That would have been a very Yucky situation!

Then when David got home and told me about the full tank of gas AND getting paid.... add that to the blessing of David being alone when he ran out.... well, let's just say "My cup runneth over" right now ;-).

Thank God for Tender Mercies! We will be going to Salt Lake for Christmas after all.

Exciting things in the works

I'm finding myself So excited, for what could be, yet so nervous for what might not. Anna's (the Lady that supposedly has the $1,000,000 job to offer ) Brother is supposed to be coming to Rock Springs on the 18th or 19th to discuss the job with David and one other guy. IF it really comes to be, then David should be leaving for Texas in about a month. Then, probably by Feb, he'll be on his way out of the country. Sooo, it brings up the amazing possibility that we may be able to buy a house, a truck, and a few other things that we really need but can't afford on our "income" ;-). Of course it also brings up new worries... I mean My Husband will be in a foreign country all but 12 weeks out of the year. And it's not the SAFEST area in the world right now. And there a few other things that worry me. BUT....

And then there's the let down if he DOESN'T get the job... That's a large sum of money to catch a glimpse of, and then watch it pass you by. True, money's not everything.... but it sure makes things easier.

Which of course then leads into the other thing. David's employer lied to unemployment about why they let him go. So he was denied unemployment. Which means we have literally been living off of ZERO income. David appealed their decision, but it's taken a while to get a hearing. So, on the 17th, he has that. If they decide to give him unemployment, we will get a lump sum of somewhere between $4,000 and $7,000 just in time (crossing my fingers, eyes, and toes) for Christmas. And then we will get about $1600 per month afterwards until David finds a job. Which is a Whole lot better than nothing!

So, here's hoping and praying.

Cannot say it enough!

The past 3 months have really been a learning session for me. It's been way hard learning to be ok with and relax over the fact that David doesn't have a job. He has applied for so many... and he QUALIFIES for so many, and we need to be able to take care of our Family.



This is where our WONDERFUL, Loving, Concerned Heavenly Father has taught us so much. He has taken such good care of us. And I don't mean just in the basic things. I mean in the details of what we need. For example, the only bills we have that are not rent or utilities are our washer and dryer, the Girls bunkbeds, and one of our tv's. We have been pretty much assured by our Bishop that if we have to let them go, he will help us acquire something that will "do." I am me. And I don't want something that will get us by. Is it better than nothing... of course it is. But I LOVE my washer and dryer. And I really like the Girls beds too. We have had to deal with the possibility of letting them go. But every time, something has worked out where we've been able to keep them.

Maybe it shouldn't matter so much, but to me, it does. And it shows me that He cares about our needs on a personal level. It tells me that I am important to Him as ME.

Anyway, I am very Grateful for the many blessings I have recieved on a daily basis.

I was going over the things we have waiting for the Girls for Christmas, and even though we basically have no money, they are still getting several presents each from us. Some of them, I've bought over the past couple of years. It makes me feel good to be able to pull out a new pair of boots for Elysia so that she can go out in the snow and not have to worry . And When Elizabeth then asks Santa for a new pair because hers are wearing out, I can just pull a pair out of the storage room. All three Girls in fact have full sets of winter necessities in their sizes because in previous years, I have bought ahead. That too, is directly related to a Loving Heavenly Father who gave me the insight to get things that we didn't need imediately and had no idea David would be without a job in the middle of winter two years, or one year later.

Jacob's New Achievements

The week before Thanksgiving, Jacob started cereal, rolled from back to front, and began moving significantly away from the spot where we would lay him on the floor. He is fascinated by the things around him, and especially loves "helping" us do the Girls hair. He gets his fingers in it, and sometimes eats it while he lays in whomever's lap that happens to be multitasking between holding him, and combing hair. He has started diverting things that we have in our hands to his mouth and can steer realitively well when aiming for his mouth.

More to be Thankful for

I know it's December now, but I am grateful for so many things that I sometimes don't think of them all at once.

I am thankful for every day that Elizabeth walks through the front door after school safe and sound.

For Abby's little "words" that sometimes make no sense.

And for Babies (4 months through 6 yrs) who find me worth watching over toys and movies.

Judge not that ye be not judged

This past weekend was a profound weekend for me. I have had to remember that I am a Mature adult, and want to be seen as a Lady, not a Whiner. Whew! It's been tough. it's been hard because I cannot stand people who are closed minded and judgemental. Nor can I stand people who judge based off of very little life/world experience and are so certain that the way they view the world is correct, and anyone who disagrees is wrong. To some of you, this may be harsh. To others.. well, I KNOW some of you will get exactly what I mean... If you have NEVER lived outside of Utah, Never lived on your own (This means you were both not living with your significant other, AND not living with your parents) and/or if you have never had 0 money and a family to support, you don't know a whole lot about REAL LIFE. Yes, I am very sure of myself in this. Because I was once someone who had never left the security of the Salt Lake Valley except to vacation. I once moved from my Mother's to my Boyfriend's, and I once had 0 worries about how to support my family if and when I ever had one.

This is the "list" I came up with of criteria anyone who has the "right" to judge me has to meet before they have enough knowledge of who I am and what I've been through to judge me accurately.

*If you don't know the answer to at least ONE of the following questions, you don't know me well enough to judge me:
1- Why is Jacob not named David Tyler?
2- What took place Christmas night 2 years ago?
3- Why did I get a restraining order against, Divorce, and then Re-marry David after only 3 months of being divorced?
4- What incident in my life has made the biggest impact on how I have spent my Adult years?
5- Who raised me?
6- Why didn't I go on a mission?
7- How close did I come to going on a mission?
8- If you interviewed My Girls about Me, what would they say?
9- What do My Girls do when they feel I am threatened, and whom do they react this way towards?
10- How do I feel about the "Last Days"?
11- What kind of food storage do I have?
12- What do I consider critical items to own?

*If I wouldn't call you in a "Life or Death" situation, you don't know me well enough to judge me.

These are easy to answer if you've ever taken the time to get to know me. If you haven't.... please spare the judgements. They don't help either of us.

Thanks Giving

I just read My Sister in Law's Blog, and Deborah, I hope it's ok if I copy you.... What you said was so eloquent and precisely put. I hope you won't be mad. You and I think a lot alike, and are grateful for many of the same things. Since I couldn't say it better myself, but share the same thoughts, I hope you'll understand. I will put a * by the ones I copied to make sure you get the credit for putting words to my thoughts so well. :-) Love ya Sis!


I am so very thankful for:

• *my husband - he does so much for me and our family. I don't know what I'd do without him. David is one of a kind! I know for certain that no other Man in the WORLD could be what he is for me.
  
• My Children - each so sweet, loving, thoughtful, beautiful and fulfilling! They are the substance in my universe that gives me purpose. There are not words to truly express what they do for me.
  
• my ability to bring children into this world, and that my Babies are healthy and strong.
  
• the rest of my family - they are wonderful and have made me who I am today.*
• my friends - life would be dull without friendship and I have some pretty amazing friends who I love and care for that mean the world to me.*
• a home - someplace to hang my hat and be safe from the weather. A place of my own that I can fill with love.*
• Financial provisions - that we are able to pay for those things that we need in life. We FORTUNATELY are not as bad off in this aspect as some would expect... especially with David being unemployed.... we have still been well provided for by our Heavenly Father.
  
• Insurance for the Children - so that we can take them to a doctor when needed and not have to worry about out of pocket expenses.
• Music - nothing better can express emotion than music.*
• the Church/Gospel - I definitely don't know where I'd be without it. It is so true and pure.*
• Temples - where else can we feel true peace and that constant loving spirit.
• Transportation - I'm thankful that we have a working car and are able to get to and from where we need to without much difficulty.*
• my trials - they only make me stronger*
• books - i love to read and sometimes need that little escape from reality.*
• Tender Mercies - need I say more?*
• all the little things - there are more little things we take for granted than we realize. Our Father in Heaven has given us so much, we can't fully comprehend his love for us.*
• My Savior - he is always there when I need him, and he knows how I feel.
• an education - some people don't even get that, I'm grateful that I was able to go to school and graduate high school and have the opportunity to go to college.*
• food and drink - I'm thankful that i have the food and drink I need to survive and that I don't have to go without, and that I have easy access to what I need.*
• NEVER having to go without any of the things My Family and I truly need.
• A true relationship with My Heavenly Father.
• Our Health - having a healthy family is truly a blessing.
• Knowing that everything will work out and I will be taken care of.
• A country and time in the history of the world where I can be who I am without having to live in fear of losing my life.
  

Millionaires????

Ok. So today David called me and said "What would you think about a job where I was working in South America for 3 months, home for 3 weeks, and then back to South America..... that paid $1,000,000?" I said "OMGOSH!!!! I'd say TAKE IT!!!!"

Well, come to find out, the people around him were IDIOTS! It's Libya, in AFRICA!!!!!

However, I've been rolling this over and over in my mind. If it's a "real" job, and not smoke, I think we really honestly might get it.

My reasons are very Spiritually based.

- Both of our Patriarchal Blessings speak of being able to be taken care of well financially
- I truly believe that we could and WOULD do a lot of good with that kind of $
- SO many things point to this possibly being why we are in the situation we are in right now
- With possibly 2 more children yet to join our Family... well, Kids are the most expensive kind of Toy ;-)
- David working outside of the U.S. has been something that we have been trying for since last year.

If this REALLY comes to pass, I will possibly be moving back to Salt Lake. But if not, will not be moving any farther away. I need my support system (Mom, In-laws, Friends).

Anyway, I actually feel like this might be an ok desire. I know I have a specific mission on earth. And I feel like this will help with that mission.

I guess we will see!

Thanksgiving, Day 5

Looks like this will be an every OTHER day thing ;-)

1) I am Grateful to have a full fridge, cupboards, and foodstorage shelves

2) I am Grateful for a Father who loves me enough to give me what I need ( What I think I need, and what I didn't know I need!)

Thanksgiving, Day 3

I didn't have a chance yesterday to post, so I'll list 2 things I'm grateful for today.

1) Having My Family safe and together

2) Never having to go without food or a Home

Answers

I must be DESTINED to have to be ABSOLUTELY PERFECT before I leave this life ;-). Not necessarily a bad thing, however, the road there is rough. I was actually told in a blessing, and my Mom has said it several times, but I am a piece of coal that is a diamond in the making, and all of the rough edges need to be chiseled away bit by bit as well as EXTREME pressure being needed to turn black and rough into clear and smooth.

About the same time of year seems to be when things are hardest. Sept to Jan is the time frame when I seem to have to work the hardest, and there are lessons to be learned. By Summer, I seem to be able to sit back and enjoy a bit more.

Right now the struggle is patience. I have been told over and over that I will be taken care of, and have what I need.... in time. The Lord's Time.... not mine. That is always hard for me. But I am so grateful for the reassurance that at the end of the trial, I will be ok.

One thing I am learning is that I know the answers to most of my questions. I didn't realize this until very recently. And it has been good practice in learning to trust myself.

Thanksgiving, Day 1

I really like the idea of finding something I'm grateful for every day this month.

Today, I'm INCREDIBLY grateful for my ability to bear Children. And for the Children I have!

Sometimes it's not as good as you thought

SOOOO, David has been working for our Elders Quorum Pres. this week which is awesome because he pays David $100 a day. That MORE than covers the $240 for my pictures and perfume.....

I went out and bought my perfume tonight... they didn't have the set that I wanted, and I paid $17 more than I expected, but it's what I've been wanting to wear every time I 've gone out - for months. I called the picture company and they are sending me a proof sheet so I can order my CD and pics. And all of a sudden, I am not so sure I want either the perfume OR the pictures. Yes, because they are pictures... and pictures of my Kids, non the less, I will probably still get them.... however, maybe the $200 is for a later date. And the perfume.... I still LOVE it! It is still my favorite. But I don't need it like I thought I did yesterday.

It's amazing the lessons I've learned over the past few months. It's amazing the power $ has. We've had all of our needs taken care of. We've not had to go with out ANYTHING we really needed..... and now that I have some $ to "play" with, I could take it or leave it.

Why I am the way I am

I was just reading a Friends post about her 3 yr old getting lost at a park. I just have to say, that like her, my worst nightmare is something bad happening to my children. I probably seem over bearing in a lot of ways. But let me say this, I am DETERMINED to keep my children safe. They are my LIFE. Everything else can come and go. I could not go on without my Babies.

Lat school year, Elizabeth's bus stop was out our back door. I loved being able to watch her without having to go outside. It made it easy to take care of the other 2 girls and not neglect Elizabeth's safety.

This year, for INSANELY stupid reasons, her bus stop has moved about 1 yard to the corner. It's almost no difference at all, yet it's just far enough that I can no longer see her from our apartment. It has been really nice having David around, because I INSIST on one of us walking her to her bus stop, and standing with her until she is on the bus. After it pulls away, we go home. A pain when I'm here by myself. But I know that my children INSIDE are safe, and i would hate to not be with her ONE time, and never see her again.

I don't go and get her from the bus stop because I figure that there is only a 5 minute window between when I hear the bus pull up until she should be at the door. Whereas in the morning, it would be 8 hours before I would be expecting her.

Anyway, My children are in my line of sight every second of every day that I can manage. At the store, every single one of them is in or on the shopping cart in some way. I hear stories of children wandering off in the store. That will not be my child. Not even Elizabeth walks. Paranoid??? I couldn't care less!!! They're safe and not getting into trouble. When we go places, we almost always take the double stroller and I have Jacob and Abby strapped in, with my older girls holding on.

Halloween

Halloween this year was awesome! We lounged around for the 1st part of the day. Around 12:30, I started getting everyone ready. Elizabeth was Dorothy from the Wizard of OZ. Elysia was a Fairy. Abby was a Bumble Bee. And Jacob was a Lion.

At about 2:30 pm, we headed for Rock Springs. We went straight to the mall. We get the Children's picture taken every year there on Halloween. They were just setting up... we were their first customers which meant we were out of there before the crowd hit! Then it was off to Ginger's for dinner and trick or treating.

The Girls had a Blast! After Trick or Treating, we went back to Ginger's to have dessert and hang out.

We left around 10:30. The Girls were exhausted!

My Birthday

My Birthday was Mon, Oct 19th. I was not quite sure what to expect with our limited funds since David lost his job in August. I joked that David needed to have a job by my birthday because the gifts I wanted would cost him approx $240.

On October 3rd, we had Family Pictures taken. We got a free 11x13 but had to pay for any others we wanted. The pictures were soooo cute, but we didn't have the $ to buy any. For $200 we could by a disc with all of the images on it, as well as a copyright release allowing us to print as many pictures as we wanted, anywhere we chose. We are currently saving up to buy it.

Then, about 4 weeks or so ago, I realized that my favorite perfume, "Delicious" had been lost. Probably left at the hospital when Jacob was born. We called them, but they didn't have it. That is $40.

Well, when my birthday came, David didn't have a job, and we had almost NO money to spend.

David did give me $ to buy a shirt that I wanted for $10. ;-)

My Birthday was WONDERFUL! It started off with David dotting on me, and allowing me to have my way with EVERYTHING. Then, he went to the store to get my cake (that the Girls picked out) and groceries for dinner. We cleaned the house from top to bottom. Jacob was an Angel and slept in his swing while I cleaned. Elizabeth came home and told me that for my birthday, she had "Stayed Green" at school (in her class, each child starts each day with a green card. When they get in trouble, it gets turned to yellow, then red) At 5 pm, our friends, Foy and Ginger Wallace came over with their 3 girls for dinner. David had made my favorite dinner that is a tradition for my birthday and has been since I was about 10 yrs old. We then played a couple of games and had cake and Moose Tracks ice cream. YUMMY!

It cost next to nothing, and was one of the very best birthdays I have ever had!

Jacob's Blessing

We Blessed Jacob in Utah on Sept. 6th. It was a good experience. Many Friends were able to join us as well as David's Family and my extended Family including My Mom's Sister, April, and her Husband, Dann. Her Brother-in-law Steve, and his Daughter, Katie and his Mom, Anne. As well as one other cousin of mine, Michelle.

We were blessed to have David's Grandparents there. As well as his Parents, Siblings: Dan and his family, Deborah with her family, and Douglas.

We stayed through Tuesday the 8th.

When we left Utah, David was realitivly ill. He had a fever by the time we arrived home. I was about 12 hours behind him. Elysia, Abby, and Jacob all got sick as well. We all made a full recovery within about a week or so. We are thinking it was the new virus.... aka Swine Flu and are happy to possibly be over and done with it.

About a week before the blessing we reconnected with Chris and Marci Landon. We had met them in Colorado Springs Easter of 2004, and only knew them for 2 months before we moved back to Utah that May. We had only seen them once since then. They are great friends, and we have had a lot of fun with them and their 2 children.... and are excited to have many more adventures with them now that they are living in Utah!

Life since Jacob joined our family

I have been really bad at keeping up with this since Jacob was born. I will try really fast to hit on the highlights:

1st, Jacob's arrival.

Jacob was due August 2nd. However, with him being my 4th and Abby (my 3rd) coming 10 days early on her own and being the PERFECT delivery, we were expecting him as early as the 4th of July weekend. And I was really disappointed when i had to be induced 6 days before his due date.

On Monday, the 27th of July, David, Abby, and I drove to the hospital. I had pre registered, so it was just a matter of checking in. My mom was in town and had the 3 Girls with her. But we had wanted to spend one last night with our "Baby" so we kept Abby with us.

They started me on a Pitocin drip, and since I was positive for Group B Strep, they started the antibiotics. This was at 7 am. At 8, David took Abby to my mom. 9, the Dr came in to check me, and offered to break my water. When I got to the hospital, I was dialated to a 3, and about 60% effaced. At 12, I was about 70% effaced, and dialated to about a 5. Blah!!!!! At 12:30 the Dr .... well, the intern that was with her, broke my water. He had a hard time catching the sack, and it wasn't my favorite moment ;-). Within about 10 minutes, my contractions had become almost unbearable. I had gone from a 5 to an 8 and was almost 100% effaced. I asked for pain meds.... I had pre arranged to have a very light pain medication that is delivered IV, and just takes the edge off.... but David talked me into waiting through 3 more contractions before I INSISTED on the medication. It was supposed to be ready and waiting but took another 2 contractions for them to bring it. This was about 1:15 pm. At about 1:30 the Dr showed up (with the intern) and everything was set up for the arrival. The 1 problem was that Jacob had not really dropped. He was still at zero station. So unlike my other deliveries, I actually had to push him down the birth canal. At 1:58, Jacob arrived weighing in at 8 lbs. 1 oz. (my 2nd smallest Baby... Abby was 7 lbs. 15.6 oz.) He was BEAUTIFUL! Curly strawberry blonde hair. I asked how he was, and Starla (My Dr) said "He's perfect!" She wasn't exagerating. His Apgar scores were 9 and 10. They told me that perfect of a score is rare. His cord was tied in what they call a "True Knot" which means he was VERY active... and again is a very rare thing to see.

While I had pain meds with this delivery, they were not very strong, just enough to take the edge off, and only lasted about an hour. Nothing compared to an epidural, which made me proud of myself.... however, Abby came so quickly and easily, that I had NOTHING with her... So I was bummed about that.

The delivery was my hardest, because I had to push him down whereas My Girls were already at the opening when I started pushing. With both Elysia and Abby, it only took 2 contractions to deliver. Jacob was a LOT more ;-)

All in all, it went well. I was there for almost 8 hours, but only actually in labor for 1 1/2.

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Jacob is such a good Baby! I love him to death. I knew what to watch for and what my limits were this time, and have been able to avoid the "Baby Blues" on any significant level. It has helped that Jacob was a summer Baby and we have been able to get out a lot. With my Girls, it was winter, and we were stuck in doors.

Jacob was born "Coombs Positive" which means that he has David's blood type, and it is incompatible with mine. It causes severe jaundice while his body fight off my cells that have crossed with his during the delivery. It can also cause severe anemia resulting in the need for a transfusion. I was discharged Tues. He was not discharged for another 36 hours. We had to take him back to the hospital almost every day for the 1st 10 days to have his bili count taken, and actually had to get a light blanket for home.

The Jaundice finally went away by his 6 week check up just after Labor Day.

I have been able to exclusively nurse him, which is a first for me. They asked that I supplement with formula for the 1st 2 weeks to get him to excrete the bilirubin faster. However since then, he hasn't had a single bottle.

When Jacob was 1 month old exactly, David was fired from his job with Cameron International. That has REALLY sucked!!!!! However, we have seen numerous blessings in the past 2 months, and are no where near as stressed over the situation as we COULD be.

Our Heavenly Father has truly watched over and blessed us!

Jacob is such a joy to have around. For now, he is quite easy going, and enjoys watching his sisters. He loves to be where ever we are. He does well in his swing and ok in his boucy seat. He sleeps almost consistently when in his carseat.

At his 2 month check up, he was just over 12 lbs. He's still Beautiful.

Landmarks in his developement:

Day 1, July 27th, he could roll onto his side when he slept.

Day 9 , August 5th, he rolled from his belly to his back

September 7th, he smiled consciously

and last week.... October 26th, he laughed.

His sisters ADORE him, and help out soooo much!

I am definitely a better mother than I was when Elizabeth was a Baby. I can truly enjoy this time. And it's so much easier to stay calm when he's upset.

He sleeps in the playpen we bought when Abby was born, in our room. He has almost consitently slept from around midnight until 5 am. And just this past week, extended to going to sleep around 11 pm and sleeping until about 6 am. When he wakes for his early morning feeding, he comes into bed with us, and is there until I get up for the day. He is such a cuddler!!!

The Parable of the Diamond Ring

I don't know why I felt like I needed to share this. But I did.....
I believe very firmly not only that there is a God, but that we are his children. Literally. That his relationship to us is just as literal as mine with my biological children... but perfect. Here is a story about something that confirms that belief in me.
In 2008, David and I divorced. I was certain at that time that there was another Man, Jared, I was destined to share the rest of my life with (that is NOT why David and I divorced.) Jared and I had already looked into engagement rings, and had found the exact ring I have always wanted. When David and I married in 2002, he was a newly returned Missionary with no $, so I had to forego that luxury.
I felt very strongly that I should start making payments on the ring. Shortly after this, Jared and I called things off. I still felt that I should continue purchasing the ring. This led me to believe that things would eventually turn around and work out with Jared.
At the end of September, the ring was 1/2 way paid off and I realized that things were never going to work out between Jared and myself. But I felt that I still needed to continue paying on the ring.
Around the middle of October, I was surprised to see that David and I were at a point where we wanted to give our marriage another go. We went to look at the ring. He told me that if the ring didn't fit me so perfectly, he would want to trade it for a different one.... since it was the ring that had been selected with someone else. He paid off the ring and we were married 2 weeks later.
Here's the moral of this story: I believe God knew that things were going to eventually work out between David and me. He knew that even though I didn't NEED a new ring, I wanted one. And that I wanted a specific ring.... after all, I had an idea of exactly what I wanted when I was a teenager, and it had never changed. It was a luxury that I could have done without. But just as I enjoy giving in to my Children's wishes when there is a toy or something that they really want, I believe that God enjoys letting us have some of the "pretty" things WE want. All we have to do is give him the chance.
This example has helped me so much over the past year. It reminds me that sometimes it's ok to ask God for something we want... even if we don't necessarily NEED it. And that He cares about that just as much as we would if it were our Child asking for something. Because He's not just a Divine Being who controls the universe. He's a Parent. The Perfect Parent. Who not only loves His children, but loves and cares about us perfectly.

Really People?!?!?!?!

Things are good right now. So I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea while I take a moment to gripe. Really, if this is all I have to complain about.... what's there to complain about, right?!? ;-)However, I still am fascinated by people. Their tendencies toward blatant ignorance, and their comfort level with it.Gripe One: My mom mentioned to me that she and several others are "Happy that [we] are done" having children. Now first of all, I have a one week old baby. I think enough said. Second, I haven't sat down and made that concrete decision with David and God yet. Which brings me to my third point. David, God, Myself, and depending on how much guidance we need, our Bishop are about the ONLY people I can even THINK of that have ANY pull or say in the matter.I am healthy, I have healthy children, we are supporting ourselves, and taking what I would consider adequate care of our Family. We're not perfect, we have our problems, we have TONS AND TONS to learn. But isn't that life?Now, I am not ignorant. I understand EXACTLY what it means to have more children. But I have at least 18 months to worry about that. I personally think that 4 might be just right for our budget and sanity. But who knows. Let's just say I'm not taking permanent measures at this time.So I really wish people would just keep THAT particular opinion to themselves! ESPECIALLY those who are LDS/Family oriented and understand just what choosing to either have or not have a Baby means in the eternal scheme of things.


Gripe Two: Someone at David's job "filed a complaint" about how David was standing around doing nothing and talking to one of the other shop hands while someone who didn't HAVE to be in the shop but was there to lend a hand, did all of the work. Thank HEAVEN for a boss who didn't just accept the complaint. He asked this person what day it took place. He was told it happened on Friday. Well, talk about having his "butt covered." It is VERY common knowledge that the past 2 Fridays, David has not been at work because of the Baby. So, this boss simply said that it was kind of odd that David could be standing around BS'ing when he wasn't even there. Fortunately, enough said.

Today's the day!

I wanted to make sure and get a post on here while still pregnant. Before and After, if you will.

Last night was a rough night. Sleep was evasive, my wrist really hurt, and David slammed into by belly in the middle of it all. So at 4 am I got up, took a hot bath to relax, did my hair and got dressed. It's just after 5 now. We have to be at the hospital in an hour.

I'm still not in labor, and am hoping that once I get started, it's short and sweet.

I'm nervous, like always about possibly needing a c-section. But feel peaceful. Soooo, let's get this show on the road! ;-)

Is that really ME????

David and I went to as movie yesterday. Afterwards, I was in the bathroom, and looked in the mirror. I was SHOCKED by what I saw. First of all, My belly is HUGE! It protrudes extensively and almost completely negates my D cup chest. But this I knew. The shock was my face. I looked old, and sick. Almost emaciated.

THAT scared me. Because I realized I have been starving myself. NOT on purpose. I have been eating. I don't watch calories, and I know that extra fat, cholesterol, etc. are actually good for the Baby and myself right now. But I often wait too long to eat. Or, I am so worn out, that it is just too much effort. I keep a store of food on a shelf in the living room for the Girls, so that either I or they can get something easily FOR THEM. But their needs and mine are very different right now nutritionally speaking.

Now, I have been taking my vitamins. Not every day like I should, but pretty regularly. As I said, I have not been cutting back or dieting on purpose.

But the fear was there that if I was starving, this Baby might be too. NOT a realization I want to have when it's pretty much too late to do anything about it. The damage, if there were to be any, is already done.

LUCKILY, I have gained weight pretty steadily. And David brought up a good point: If the Baby was starving, he would have been born already. Not content to stay in. My Dr also told me the other day that he prolly weighs about 7 1/2 to 8 lbs already. So.....

Learning a lesson I should have already learned.

I grew up without a Priesthood Holder in my home. What a blessing?! See, I didn't have it, but that taught me how important it is. I Know that growing up without a Dad was one of the greatest blessings I could have hoped for. Because it meant that I had ONE option: My Heavenly Father. He's very literally the only Father I've ever had. (yes, I have an earthly, biological one... he's just MIA)

Anyhow, I learned in my teens to be assertive when I needed help. I have had Priesthood Blessings from Boyfriends, Friends, Uncles, Bishops, and of course, David.

I have learned that when the Urge comes to ask for a blessing, I usually need it within 24 hours or I regret it. Since last summer, I have had a multitude of them. A lot of times they are pretty much the same thing. But they are reassuring, and confirming. I have learned that if I get out a pen and notebook, they say more and are more insightful.

This pregnancy has seen it's share of blessings. Not many people know this, but I actually have a sort of weak immune system. To the point where David and I fighting (the stress it causes) literally makes me sick for a week at a time. It was HORRIBLE before the divorce. I was very worn down, and more fragile than anyone would have guessed.

So, it has been reassuring to hear over, and over, that my body will heal and be healthy for the delivery of this Baby.

I have also been told that he will not come before he is ready. This used to reassure me because there were times when I worried I'd have him TOO early. The past weeks I have realized what I didn't before: That I need to relax and be patient because no matter how ready I am to be done with the pregnancy part, HE may not be and I need to accept that.

David gave me a blessing yesterday. I have been cranky, moody, sensitive, emotional, you name it over knowing that it's any day, but it not happening yet.

I have ALL the symptoms of pre labor. But it is still PRE. That has been wearing heavily on my patience.

A lot of it, I think came from knowing that I needed to give my mom 3 hours notice to be here so that she could take the Girls. That was hard. It's frustrating sometimes to live so far away from our family and support system. When Abby was ready to be born born, my mom was 15 min away, and I had a whole list of people I could call instantly. PERFECT. Here, there's almost no one I feel comfortable calling to take all 3 girls at once. Everyone is already so busy with their 4 kids. And there's not the loyalty like with my Friends in Utah, because we've only known eachother a few years, vs a lifetime. It's to be ecpected, it's just hard in a bind.

Anyhow, I was getting cranky, and not being the Mom I wanted to be.

In the blessing, I was again blessed to be healthy. And told that I needed to be patient and learn to trust My Father. That this Baby's arrival has a specific day and time appointed, and though it will be soon, it - like everything else, will be in GOD's time... not mine.

When the blessing was over, I felt sheepish. (As well as comforted) This is a lesson I should have learned a 100 times over by now.

So, I will wait. And enjoy the hours or days I have left to get ready.

Cellulitis

Soooo... a few short months after Miriam's Daughter, Hailey was the victim of a bacterial infection in her eye that was one form of Cellulitis, Elysia follows due to a puncture in her sinus' following a mosquito bite. GRRRRRRRR!

Poor Baby! She is the only one of us who got bit.... which is good, but why her? She seems to be the one in our Family who is prone to this kind of stuff. At just over 2 yrs, she had an ear infection and proved to be allergic to Amoxicillin. Luckily, it was not a severe reaction... she broke out in serious hives, but did not go into anaphylactic shock. Then, a few weeks ago, she got bit by a spider. Now this. Due to her allergic reaction to the amoxicillan, she has been put on cephalexin, which 1 in 5 people who are allergic to the "cillin" family of drugs have an allergic reaction to. Great. SO this weekend, I basically have to watch to make sure she doesn't stop breathing. And monitor her to see if the eye responds to the oral antibiotices... otherwise by Mon, it's straight to the ER, like Hailey. I think the only real bonus is the heads up from Miriam that let us avoid waiting/dealing with a false Pink Eye diagnosis and treatment. For that, I am VERY grateful!

REALLY, things could be worse. EXCEPT for the timing of it all. Maybe we can be Roommates at the hospital! That way I can be there for my Baby AND give birth!

Pissed off and had it.

I am not in a good mood this morning. I am a very personal space type of person. I do NOT handle invasion of that space well. I don't like decisions being made for me. I do not like to feel violated. I have struggled with my In Laws for this reason for 6 years. When Elizabeth was a new baby, my Mother in Law reached into my personal space to take her from me without my permission, and it's been a battle of wills ever since.

I like to be in control of my life, my personal space, what happens to my children, etc. I can give up control where it needs to be given, but if it's not rightfully yours.... just don't even try to get it from me.

Because of this, trust is huge for me. If I don't trust you, there isn't even a question about how much ground you'll gain with me in a power struggle. I will show you very quickly that I am keeping control of the situation.

My second pet peeve this morning is people who are ignorant, and ok with it.

I understand that everyone has had different experiences in life and not everyone knows the same things. I understand that i don't know everything. But I like to think that I am open to learning. And I have long since given up on having to learn the hard way. If there is someone who truly knows the answer that I don't, then I welcome the sharing of information. Especially when it's someone who cares about me.

I am currently struggling with someone who is ignorant and uncultured, and either doesn't realize it, or is fine with it. Well, it's her choice. I care about her and feel that in my life and trials, I have gained knowledge that would save her time, $ and energy. But she doesn't seem to have the humility, nor the desire to consider anything that she doesn't come up with on her own.

It really bugs me. It bugs me, bugs me, bugs me!!!!!!!

One thing that stands out is food. Fish. From what I have seen, fish to her is equivalent to a halibut fillet sandwich @ McDonald's. Which doesn't seem to strike her fancy. So, mention going to a Fish House... she won't even consider it. Forget the fact that the difference in the kind of fish served is night and day!I understand not everyone likes fish.... but to turn down gormet based on not liking the grocery store isle version..... has nothing to do with fish. Go for the cultural, and educational aspect, and orcder a sandwich if you truly do not like fish.

This past weekend, she probably paid $ for something that ended up being a disappointment. Being in her shoes before, I could have warned her that it was not going to be worth her $ to do it, and could have offered her a way to save some $ that she always seems to be limited on.... but I knew in advance she would disreguard anything I offered in way of advice.... so I kept my mouth shut.

It's not that she doesn't know things... she's young. It's that I have things to offer her that she doesn't have because of the short amount of like she's lived, and she turns her nose up at it over and over again.

I had the wierdest Dream

I woke up this morning after a very strange dream.

I dreamt that Pres. Hinckley lived in a very small "assisted" living apartment. He was quite independant, his wife had already died, but he had a "maid/nurse" on call for anything he may need. He was watching Elysia for me. I came to get her and needed to change my clothes. He informed me that I was going to need to use the bathroom in the "community" hall, as his was off limits to anyone but him. Then he spilled a small bed pan of urine on the bathroom floor, and called for the "maid/nurse" to come and clean it up. All of this was so that I could use his bathroom after all. I changed, and was sitting on the couch talking to him afterwards. Elysia seemed very much at home, and it all seemed sooo natural.

Then, I was at Pres. Monson's telling him all about this. Explaining that Pres. Hinckley was fine... he had spilled the bed pan on purpose to help me out rather than because he was no longer able to care for himself.

I woke up feeling really wierd knowing that Pres. Hinckley is deceased. And yet, one thing that really stuck with me was how Elysia seemed so at home in his apartment. She may as well have been at her Grandparents' home. And also how "equal" I felt to Pres. Hinckley and Pres. Monson. Like they were Friends of the Family and I could just come and go anytime I pleased. I remember sitting and watching Pres. Hinckley clean up without any urge to offer to do it for him. It was, after all, HIS apartment and I was there to visit. So he could do as he pleased, and I was under no obligation to help.

I think the thing that I marvel at, is that with that type of dream, I would naturally expect to visualize the New Baby in the situation.... signifying that he was being cared for by someone of great spiritual importance as he waits to come to earth. But it wasn't him. It was Elysia. And it left me with a feeling of peace. I think that Little Girl might be more than meets the eye. Big surprise! ;-)

This year vs last

This has been a summer of comparisons. It has been good to see where I was last year and the results of the path I chose.

The 4th of July was specifically significant.

Last year, the 4th of July was a landmark. And I wanted it to be marked with all the ceremony it could. I invited Jared's Family up, and was REALLY hoping for it to be a celebration of my independance from what I considered to be a horrific experience in a marriage that had failed.

Jared drove up Thurs. the 3rd after work. I had really hoped for my divorce to be final by then... no such luck. I still had almost a full week that I had to wait before the manditory waiting period was over. Friday the 4th started off more melancholy than I would have liked. None of Jared's Family was able to make it. So, we started off on our own. Got the Girls ready, and decided to go to the park for a picnic. We stopped on our way to the park to see if the Wallace Family wanted to come with us. They had other plans. We went to the park, ate, and then headed to Walmart to see about some last minute fire works.... we found none.

We gave up, and drove to a parking lot close to the Events Complex where the City fire works would be. That wasn't so bad. We had a pretty good time except that Abby was VERY clingy and would not stop fussing. And then it was home to bed.

The rest of the weekend seemed to follow much the same mood. By Tues, the 8th, when Jared left.... well, I would not say I had gotten the grand weekend I had hoped for. But, such is life, right?!

Wed, the 9th, rather than being here filing the final paperwork for my divorce, I was in SLC fighting to save the relationship I thought Jared and I had. We have not seen eachother since.

Now... THIS 4th of July:

My mom drove up early afternoon on the 3rd, and had us bring the Girls to her hotel where they watched movies and ordered pizza while David and I went to see "Transformers." He and I then did some shopping and went home. We got to sleep in the next morning.... which was good because both of us had gotten sick over night. David went to run some errands, and by fireworks from one of the big firework stores here, while I took my time getting ready. We then went and picked up the Girls and headed over the the Wallace's for some really good BBQ and fun. After an afternoon of food and slip and slide, we settled in there back yard to roast marshmallows, and then into the front to set of the $40 worth of "illegal" (if you live anywhere but WY) fireworks David had bought. Then for the City fireworks. At about 11:00, we took the Girls back to my mom, and it was home to bed after one of the best 4th of July celebrations I can remember.

Last year, everything just seemed to fall apart on it's own. This year, it all just seemed to come together so perfectly and satisfactorally!

Just one more thing that shows me how much better the path I chose was, than the one I almost took!

Phases

I've been looking at pictures as they scroll through on our computer. Wow! So many different phases that we as a family have passed through in the past 7 1/2 years. I look at the pictures of David and myself from our first ring ceremony when we were newly weds. To Elizabeth's birth, our time in Colorado, Elysia's birth, our time in Utah, our move here, Abby's birth, The Girls growing up, and now. Parenthood is truly a glimpse into the circle of eternity!

Some phases, I'm FAT. Some I'm slim with a horrible complexion due to the strain child birth puts on my body... for some reason, specifically my skin. Some I don't like the "flavor" of the memories. Some, I ache to relive.

When it comes down to it, I am happy with the progress and very glad that time has marched forward. I look forward to new beginnings. I am gearing up to make some MAJOR changes with the birth of our son this month.

David and I have grown up so much since Elizabeth joined Our Family. I feel bad for her in a lot of ways. She had to deal way too much with Parents who were still so immature. I see the damage it's done, and really want to get it repaired before it's too late. I'm so glad she's still a Little Girl.

Elysia, Abby and Jacob are still so young and impressionable... and I thank God for that. I just need to not forget what a wonderful opportunity lies ahead and how much responsibility I have to shape them and teach them.

As for David and Myself.... we are gradually cutting our path to being partners for eternity. We are not where we want to be yet. However, we are SOOOO much closer now than a year ago.

I am who I am

I am who I am. I am that way because I know I need to be that way. But I often struggle with the balance between who I am, and who I need to be to get what I want. People expect me to be a certain way. Sorry, it's just NOT happening. But to limit the frustration I face OFTEN with these situations (the people and their expectations) I try to adjust a TINY... almost unnoticable amount for comfort and accomodation sake.

I think one of the most frusrating parts is that it's the people who SHOULD love me unconditionally who expect me to change the most. Just because they aren't that way, weren't taught that way, weren't shown that way, whatever..... AAAHHHH! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THE CLOSED MINDS of these people. I AM NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am NEVER going to do it the way YOU do. I do not have the same financial situation, the same home situation, the same marriage situation, the same religious situation, or the same education that you do. So STOP trying to make me just like you! It WILL NEVER BE!

I am so tired of dealing with uneducated, uncultured people who live their lives like Lemings in a computer game and who think that the way THEY are is the only way to be, so I should give up my intellect, and my vast knowledge of things they may never know, and be just like them.

What a Snob I have become.... but I want to spend my time with people on the same intellectual, and culture level that I am on. I am tired of acting, or speaking beneath myself for others. So, what are my options? Sometimes I feel like my ONLY option is isolation. That is a VERY frustrating thought because I LOVE to socialize.

And it doesn't help that there are people I care about who know NOTHING of the world I have and currently live in who I would like to spend time with because I love them. But I feel like I am ALWAYS the one making all of the compromises and having to give so much because they just WON'T. And it is almost laughable that one of the biggest reasons that they won't is because they live in such a bubble and are so oblivious to what's really out there, that they don't know anything's missing or that they are in a one sided relationship where the OTHER side gives and gives, and all they seem to do is take. They honestly believe that they are giving what they have to give.... when they don't even have a realistic idea of their resources and what life costs.

Anyway.......

I will always be me. And I strive every day to be the BEST me I can be. So, I'm going to stop complaining for now ;-) and get back to perfecting that.

My life as it stands

I am 30 weeks! YAY! It's hard in some ways to have this pregnancy come to an end, but of course in others, it's very much anticipated. I would REALLY like to have at least one more. Mybe 2. But I don't want to stretch myself too thin for the ones I already have. I want to be a good Mother to them and if that means stopping at 4, then so be it. Because I know this could be my last, I am savoring a lot of the "Little Things" about it. I really enjoy feeling him busy inside of me. It's really a shame that not everyone gets the chance to feel another life inside of them. I really cherish that as a woman. Men will never know that. I complain plenty, but LOVE feeling him moving around. Even when it makes my sides hurt or keeps me awake. If I DO have another one or two, I really want to time it so that I can REALLY savor it.

Something that I realized at my last Dr's appointment is that Heavenly Father has blessid me this time with the "Perfect Pregnancy." It's a term that has been spoken of often this time because when David and I were divorced, that was something he "Promised" me if I married him again. Well, he of course is Human, and as such, even his best intentions may not always mean following through to the extent he means to. It's been rough at times, and I felt a bit let down. And then I had the realization that HE might not be able to always follow through and keep his promises the way I think he should, or he would like to, but Heavenly Father has that ability. And even though I didn't think of it until this last appointment, he has come through 100 %. The best part about having it be HE who is providing, is that he is not limited. He can affect the delivery and complications (Or lack of), and provide there as well. David of course has 0 control of that aspect. Sooooo, David does his best, but my WONDERFUL Father has and I am sure will continue to bless me with the "Perfect" experience.

One of the things that makes me so sure that this will continue as well as it HAS been is that I have been reassured of the timing of this Baby MANY times. And that Heavenly Father wanted me to have this blessing and He would be sent when it was time.

I have mentioned it before, but I am TRULY looked out for. Even in the "trivial" things that may not seem significant to others. With Abby, I was really wanting my delivery to go a certain way. And defying medical probability, it did. Medically speaking, I should have needed a C-section. But everything lined up PRECISELY so that not only did I safely avoid one... With NO risk to Abby, but I also got to skip the epidural. (She was WAY too fast for one)

Our washer went out this past weekend. That was a HUGE bummer. But despite the possibility we might be SOL with it, everything worked out PERFECTLY and not only were we able to replace it, but we were able to get the one I wanted vs. having to settle. That was a HUGE deal to me seeing as I don't want to get a low end model now and have to try to upgrade later. It's a pain and costs too much.

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Elizabeth has really struggled with school this year. She has a really hard time understanding that there are certain rules of behavior and that she needs to follow them in order to be able to learn. So, we signed the papers today for her to repeat kindergarten.

My Girls

I am amazed as I see the personalities of My 3 Girls develope.

Elizabeth. Poor Elizabeth. She is ME! And she is David. Anyone who questions HER parentage is VERY out of the loop. She is sooooo smart. And she is soooo bored with her limited abilities as a Child. She doesn't do terribly well in school.... it bores her. She would much rather socialize. She is ME!!!! And I struggle so much with trying to change that. It needs to change. But when I understand where she's coming from so completely, what can I do? I have a hard time knowing that I was the same, and not knowing what, if anything would've helped me.

Elysia is sooo "Take Charge." She's also our Comedian. Her Dance Teacher told me that what makes her so funny, is that she doesn't realize she's funny. She reasons so well that punishing her is hard. She can give you a very persuasive argument in her favor for why she did what she did. She proudly announces that an octagon is a stop sign, and is only not potty trained bbecause she doesn't want to bother with it.

Abby is my little Heart Melter! She has clung to my leg since she could walk. She looks like a "Little Person" to me... Like she is older than she is in this small body of hers. She's happy to stay a Baby, and yet wants to be independant too.

It will be very interesting to see what this Little Boy of ours is like!

Sooo Blissfully Tired

I am so exhausted. There's a never ending pile of laundry. My Kids are never as clean, full, or satisfied as I WISH they were (my fault not their's). But we are generally happy, healthy, and well.

I realized today that no matter how many Children we have, and how many times I SWEAR the next time I'll be the Perfect Parent, it will never happen. And that's ok. My Girls know that they are safe and loved. I have yet to be committed to a Mental Institution ;-) and we are getting by. I will make just as many fashion mistakes with the next one, two, or three. They will all sometimes sleep in mismatched pj's. But at the end of the day. We are a Family and we know what that means.

Abby still has that DAMN binky. Elysia still isn't potty trained. ***SIGH**** But REALLY! Does ANY of that matter?!

I will always be grateful to have what I do. Because I have soooo much and my cup is truly full.

Love my Life!

I have realized over the past 6 months how lucky I am. May 5th marked 1 year since I packed up the Girls and left David. I am SOOOOO happy to be back home! I spent Mother's Day last year in SLC living out of a duffle bag, dependant on Jared for transportation, and planning for a divorce. This year, I get to kick back, and enjoy being a Wife and Mother. I am SOOOOO happy that I can say I am closer to where I want to be eternally, wiser, and have made so much progress over this past year. It hasn't been easy, and I would NEVER want to go through it again. But I have learned the lessons and am a better person for what I've been through. It's good to see the time spent learning the lessons as a success rather than a waste.

Watched out for

I went through something sooo tramatic for me almost a year ago, that the ONLY way I made it through was Priesthood Blessings. It got to the point where David and I jokingly refered to them as my "Daily Vitamins." I literally needed them that frequently. David would even say "Are you ready for your Daily dose?"

It took a bit of time but I soon began to realize that I was and have been recieving blessings "In advance."

Some of you know that I was CERTAIN I was pregnant 4 months before I became pregnant. And that is part of the reason. This Baby and I were sooo connected through the blessings and other things of a spiritual nature that were taking place, that I was SURE I was already pregnant.

Anyway, the past couple of blessings I have had have initially frustrated me. I've foolishly come away from them thinking that I had wanted something so specific, and yet what I got had nothing or very little to do with what I "felt" I needed. However, within days, or even hours, I would come upon a situation where I would KNOW that I had already had it covered in the most recent blessing.

I feel so foolish, and yet so very blessed to know that I am not the one directing my path. If only I didn't forget it so often. :-)

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!!!!

Sooooo.... Most of you know that the biggest reason David and I got a Divorce was because he had developed a very NASTY temper, and in my mind it had gotten WAY out of hand.

Most of the times his temper would flare, I was stupid enough to physically protect myself vs get the Hell out of there. When I felt threatened, my fight or flight reflex steared COMPLETELY to the stand my ground and fight side and well.... The police would get called, we would BOTH tell them that David was the aggressor. However, they had to look at the evidence on hand: He had scratches, I had nothing.... at least until a few days later when the nasty bruises would become obvious. But even on the occasions when the bruising was immediate, it was always somewhere where I could cover it, and I had learned not to trust the GRPD, so why give them more than they already had. DUMB move on my part in some ways, but hind sight is 20/20 and I think now that it was the best choice for protecting my Family. Sure, it meant I had to go through a really tough period: I was arrested 4 times, had to go through Anger Management, etc. However, my charges were dropped all but the 1st time and that was only because I decided to deal with a plea agreement vs subject us all to a trial. As I look back now, had David taken the heat like he "should" have (AND was willing to) He'd prolly be doing prison time (3 identical charges = a Felony). So, each time, I would be arrested, spend a day in jail, have to bail out etc. just for the County Prosecutor to realize in the end that they had nothing to really go after me with. What a waste. But again, it prolly saved us more than I ever realized until now.

BECAUSE.... One of the times, 2 years ago, David DID scratch ME and that meant I had easy to spot marks without waiting 24 hours for the bruising. He was not arrested (totally unfair, at the time) but he DID have to go to court. Every time something like this happens, the sentence comes with a min. 12 month Probation. Had he gotten in trouble for all of the other times, it would have been a violation of that probation and he would have been in a lot of trouble for THAT as well as the actual assault. (way detailed, I know, but seeing as most of you have been wise enough to bipass the system, I figured I'd explain.)

Well, during his 12 month probation, he didn't ever get his evaluation to see if he "needed" Anger Management or not. And I guess the Prosecutor has been keeping a closer eye on it than I would EVER have imagined.He got a letter a few months ago informing him that he was now being brought up on a probation violation charge for not completing the terms of his 12 month probation which SHOULD have ended a year ago.

He had to go to court today, and the BEAST of a Prosecutor (A "Woman" who was after me like a hound on a fox when it was MY turn to deal with the system) Decided she was going to get jail time out of him.STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!

There are REAL criminals out there, and this is what she's going after.David was sentenced to 7 days in jail. She WANTED 90. LUCKILY HIS attorney was able to convince her to drop it down to 1 weekend. SOOOOO, next Friday, he has to check in to the County Jail after work, and will check out at 6:00 am Monday morning. UGH!Sad to say it, but this is BEST CASE scenario, and I AM grateful. But again: STUPID!It means he gets to keep his job, and we get to keep him at home with us rather than him being gone for 7 to 90 days and losing his job.

But SERIOUSLY!I AM SO GRATEFUL it's not me. And there would have been a very small part of me 2 yrs ago that might have thought it was fair come about. However, even when the relationship between us was bad, I still tried to keep him out of jail.... and until now did a pretty good job of it! I mean I had NO intention of giving anyone the evidence hiding under my shirt sleeve that he had done any damage. That's another thing that bothers me. I was the "victim." And yet, without me saying a word for OR against him.... they will do as they please. I think that he is so low on the list of dangers to society that again, this is all just plain STUPID!

So, sadly enough, I am grateful that we got best case scenario. My life can remain stable, as well as the Children's. We lose very little in the long run. It's just the stupidity of it all that I hate.

I guess I remain grateful for Miracles... this one really IS big, and I do not want to lose sight of that!

Sorry to those of you who knew nothing of this! I hope you'll understand that we're not perfect, but are working VERY hard to become so. David and I have had to overcome some incredible obstacles, and are very pleased with the progress and outcome so far. We can truly say that we are commited to eachother and our Family... and making it an ETERNAL Family.

We love eachother and our children more than life itself. Please don't judge too harshly. :-)

A Sonnet

Rain Rain go away. Don't come back another day. I mourned you once, but now I'm through. I'm ready to be done with you! You left me once to my lament. Then you came back and I was spent. I do not wish you back this time, nor to merge your life with mine. You held a beauty all your own. The depths of me you may have known. Yet you are not the balm I need, to keep closed wounds we've known to bleed. So please be done, and gone this time. And leave me to enjoy what's mine!

Hairspray

We just watched the movie "Hairspray" again. I forgot how much I LOVE that movie. It has such a good message and feeling to it. My Girls enjoy it and even get passionate about it. I like that. It teaches about acceptance, feeling good about who you are, and so many other things that kids miss out on learning about in entertainment today

Something on Love

I have been thinking over the past years as well as the past few days about love and how it is defined differently for each of us. Each person expresses and recognizes love differently. For example, I show love by doing nice things for people and spending time with those I love. I don't show love by giving gifts. I also recognize that someone loves me by the kind of actions they show me. Not gifts. Not words. I know someone cares about me when they spend quality time with me and do nice things for me (service, more or less).

It's just how I am. It's my Love Language. There are those who's love language is Gift Giving.

My Love Language, and that of Gift Giving aren't really conflicting.... when communication is used. But when there is a lack of communication, they can conflict.

If there is someone who I love, and the feeing is mutual. And I want to spend time with them but instead of time, they send a gift, I do not feel loved by them. (my mind knows the meaning, but it doesn't quite scratch the itch) And if that same person wants a gift, and instead I come over for a day, they may not feel loved by me. (they may appreciate it... but again, it just doesn't bring the same sense of fulfillment.) I hope this makes sense.

Christmas is a very hard time for me when this topic is involved. No matter WHAT our circumstances, Christmas Gifts are a struggle for us. The reason is not financial. It is the fact that we live so far from our Families. I celebrate Christmas by spending quality time with the people I love.... so, I would rather take $500 and spend a week during the Holidays in SLC, than go and buy $500 worth of presents. And I would rather the people I care about use the $ they would spend on gifts for me to take a day or two and come to visit.

Over the years, David and I have spent a lot of $ on making trips to SLC to spend time with Family and Friends. It is how we show love. We are there for special occasions, funerals, parties, etc if we are invited and can at ALL come. But it often means that the $ isn't there for gifts all the time. I KNOW that people would understand it if we COULDN'T make it. But to spend $30 on a tank of gas vs on sending a gift.... well.... we will choose the gas to attend over sending a gift.

It's hard on me emotionally to put so much into being there just to find out that people care more about the gifts. Soooo....

I am trying to learn that since some would prefer the gifts, we will send a gift. And stay home if both are not reasonable at the time.

This sounds kind of whiny. It's not meant to. I just have had to come to terms with it over the past 7 years.

I understand the need for balance and that people just express love differently.

I just wish that it was an easier task to build relationships where each party can be sensitive and accepting of differences so that both feel loved and fulfilled. I need to work on it too. But if I could speak the Love Language of the people I care about so that THEY can feel loved, and they in turn could speak MINE... neither of us change OURS, just be able to speak the other's when trying to communicate love....that would be a satisfying and fulfilling relationship.

Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing...

Come, thou Fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy grace; streams of mercy, never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise. Teach me some melodious sonnet, sung by flaming tongues above. Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, mount of thy redeeming love.

Here I raise mine Ebenezer; hither by thy help I'm come; and I hope, by thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home. Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God; he, to rescue me from danger, interposed his precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be! Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

I LOVE this song. It just FITS me. On this Easter, I believe this sums up my thoughts and feelings pretty well.

Gratitude and Frustration

I think those are the topics I write about consitently. However, I have spent quite a bit of time typing up Blogs, just to find out the next day that they didn't post. Grrr.Anyhow, I am very blessed in my life. And at the same time constantly frustrated. Sooo....One thing I am very happy about is that tomorrow, a Chapter in my Life comes to an end. A MUCH needed end. To every decision, there are consequences. I have always tried to face the consequences to my choices like a Big Girl. And I try to learn from the unpleasant ones, so that I can more consistently make choices that come with the consequences I like vs ones I have to swallow like it or not. I don't think that I often make choices without being realitively informed and therefore have no one to blame when the consequence, though exactly what I was expecting, doesn't fit to my liking. In such a situation, I made a well informed choice, and have paid the price. And now, I can put it behind me. I have been blessed to be well guided and informed for the most part these past years. I have sometimes had the choice "nudged" out of my hands, and have been spared some consequences because of it. And on the other hand, I have always been informed properly so that when I do make a choice, I do not make it blindly. I HAVE however, on occasion blinded MYSELF despite proper information and guidance. But it is still very much a blessing to be so well educated.Sometimes I will even sit down and type up a whole entry. Post it, and go on my way. And I do not consider it accidental when the next day it is not there. I know that I am watched out for. I believe STRONGLY in a Diety who cares personally for me and looks out for my well being. Sometimes, though I don't realize it at the time, some things just aren't meant to be said a loud.

My Conclusion

This is going to sound gutsy, I do not care. I have come to the conclusion that when God is pleased with a Person, they get second chances. And when he's not... they don't.It makes sense to me when I look at it from a Parental Perspective. When I am pleased with My Children, they get second chances. Not so much when I'm not.If you look into the History of it, it is actually tried and proven. Saul for one. Those like Job, who don't have things work out initially because they're being tested or for other reasons, (but have kept favor with God) always have it "made up" to them in the end. They just have to KEEP Favor with God. Pass the test ... if you will.I was looking at a specific situation tonight. Two people, both with regrets. One has graciously been given "back" everything she lost. The other is wallowing in the knowledge that those regrets are now permanently filed under Past and Regret. If he ever gets another chance to make up his two biggest... maybe three now... regrets, it will be VERY far down the road and he will have to learn A LOT first. And in the meantime, other people are getting to experience what life is like when you make the "Right" choice in that particular situation and don't let your pride intervene.

Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant!... or ...The Good Samaritan in Sherriff's clothing

So today I really didn't want to go out. The weather was YUCKY, and I have a million and one things I need to do at home. BUT... we were out of milk. So, I decided @ 2:00 to take David some lunch and see about getting some groceries. Elizabeth gets out of school at 3:20. Her bus gets to our house @ 3:35. Plenty of time to make a quick trip to RS. I was driving on I-80. About 1/2 way to RS when I noticed a lot of snow blowing off my van behind me. All of a sudden the white, inconspicuous truck behind me turns on flashing red and blue lights. Well, what choice did I have but to pull off the road. My poor Mom. I was on the phone with her, but because of the incidents I've had with Law Enforcement and plain dumb luck in the past, I reflexively hung up without even saying "Goodbye." I checked my speed when I saw His lights go on... 70 MPH. Completely below the Speed Limit. He came to my window, and the first words out of my mouth after repeating his greeting were "I KNOW I wasn't speeding!"

Nope! I wasn't. He informed me that there was smoke coming from my van (NOT snow) and that he'd like to check my radiator. He got under the hood and informed me that my radiator hose had disconnected. We looked in the back for some tools with no luck. He didn't seem to have any either. Just then a 2nd Sherriff's Deputy showed up. He informed me my back tire was extremely low, and he had a multi-tool. Together they attempted to reattatch the hose. Then a 3rd arrived to check on the situation. Holy Cow! Between the 4 of us, we got the hose semi attatched, and some water in the reservoir so that I could drive the 5 miles to David's work. The 1st Sherriff's Deputy who had initially pulled me over, followed slowly behind me until I pulled into the Cameron parking lot.

It was 2:45. My gas light came on. And just a little tid bit: in order to get to David's work, you have to go down the road that the SW County Jail is on. It was hard not to feel as though I was driving myself to jail with the Sherriff's Deputy steadily behind me.

(Now I had done Nothing wrong, and they didn't even check my license or anything. BUT I've had my experiences, and it's just my reflexive reaction ... I really have had some pretty bad luck)

David checked everything out, and got the hose completely reattatched. He found some coolant and got me filled back up. By this point it was 3:10. I called the school and asked them to keep Elizabeth there rather than let her ride the bus home. I convinced David to ride with me to get her just to be safe. An hour later, I had her in my care, my tires were full, my gas tank full, my radiator working great, and was on my way to take David back to work.

When we were at the gas station, I went to use the restroom while David put gas and air in the van. I caught a glimpse at my reflection. BOY am I pregnant! Which at that point, I was really quite grateful for that Sherriff's Deputy. He may have saved us more than I realize. And he must have called in for assistence, and that is why the other two came. As nervous as it made me, he really went out of his way to help a Pregnant Stranger with a Two yr old out.

Let me be

I recently had a TERRIBLE experience with my Facebook account. I posted a note about my thoughts on the tv show Big Love. Several people joined the discussion, and I was happy to have their input.

And then it happened. One of my Friend's Husbands took it to a Personal Attack. He turned a friendly discussion into bickering. He wasn't even really addressing the topic. Just insulting people. It is MY account, My "blog" and I asked him to stop. More attacks. So, I blocked him from being able to view or participate. He bipassed that by using his Wife's account and again attacked people... namely Me.

I felt so violated.

And THEN his Wife got involved, and SHE started commenting on the note. Not about the topic.... about the injustices done to her Husband. I ultimately deleted the thread. It sucked because it is like any other "blog" to me. It is where I go to document my thoughts and feelings. I welcome input. However it remains MY little bubble of space to do with as I please as long as I stay within the apropriate boundries in the terms of use. When I deleted that thread, in a small way it was like deleted a part of who I am. It was like saying "I am only the parts of me that people want to see." That made me very angry.

His Wife went so far as to suggest that I use THIS blog for discussions, entries that people may disagree with, etc. EXCUSE ME! I certainly do NOT think so. Why keep that account if I have to be someone else? I came REALLY close to deleting my account, but I have Friends on there that I wouldn't be able to keep in touch with well without it. They don't use Blogger, or Myspace.

So, I will keep it, however, I reserve my right to be free to express who I am on it... and if someone can't respect that, then THEY can go away. Not Me.

Peculiar in the midst of the word

I have recently found it amazingly interesting how even among people who are not always what the "world" would consider the "Norm," I don't find many who share my points of view. In a religion where we preach about being prepared, people seem to find me unusual because I am passionate about being prepared. One of the most recent examples is that a few weeks ago, we bought two guns. I have been taught my entire life to have a year supply of food and supplies for my family, that the world will come to a point where crisis is the norm, and evil is rampant. Ok... Well, I have my year supply pretty well on it's way, and I have Three BEAUTIFUL Daughters, and a Son. When the state of the world becomes such that I need that supply, and people have forgotten their Humanity.... what's the point if I can't protect my assets? I'll tell you one thing: I have ZERO problem shooting someone to keep my children from starving to death or worse. Yet almost every person in my extended "network" thinks that we are OUT OF OUR MINDS for buying and keeping guns with us. Here's one thing: I have sat down with my children and shown them our guns. I have told them what they are, what they are for and what they are capable of. I DO NOT worry about an accident. Because we are educated. And our children are being educated. That's one thing that really bothers me about a lot of "Mormons" and others who are closed minded. Children are often taught in these homes that sex, guns, drugs, alcohol, etc are BAD. But these Children are almost NEVER educated about these topics in their homes. Soooo, the first time they run into a real situation with these topics, they may say "No." When pressured further, they have nothing to back themselves up with. "Because my mom and dad said so." Is Noble, but often will not hold or carry them for long. And then you get into the facts of sex not really being bad....just for certain people and situations. CONFUSING! So, how about instead of telling them "No." or it's "Bad." we educate them for Heaven's sake?! Meanwhile, I remain one who carries a gun with me. And would feel much better if we had more. Oh yeah, and I guess telling my Children how bad sex is is prolly a bad idea, since I definitely have been known to indulge myself once in a while! :-)

Pregnancy and adventure

Well, we bought a 9 mm semi, and .44 Special revolver yesterday, and took them out shooting today. HAH!I am no 20 year old anymore.I drove my minivan out on the dirt road, got my Pregnant body out, left my girls locked in the car playing My Little Pony, and went off a few yards to shoot safely.1st instruction given to me: Do not hold the 9mm like "this" because it kicks back and will hurt you. Well, so much for being the "Know it all" Mom that I often think I am. I get so frustrated that the first thing my Children do after recieving instructions from me, is do exactly what I just told them NOT to do. And so, I took aim with my hand RIGHT where it should not have been, fired, and DAMN IT! Blood. And of course, I had to stop everything until I could get the distraction of blood dripping down my hand resolved. 10 yrs ago, I prolly would have wiped it on my jeans, and forged on.Then came the realization as I shot a few more rounds, that I close my eyes when I pull the trigger. How the heck can I expect to hit ANYTHING like that?!So much for 5 yrs with an M16. And I was pretty good then, too. I could out shoot David any day.Well, after 3 mags of ammo for the 9 mm expended, I had the hang of it.Then the .44 was simple... I even hit my target. So, I gather up my gear, and haul my waddling, pregnant self back to the van, get my earplugs out of my ears, lock up the equipment, wipe the blood and grease off my hands, and climb in.Well, there had been glass on the road in front of me, so I didn't want to go forward. So I backed around, and Oh for Crying out LOUD! Where did that big mud puddle come from? Well, of COURSE I got stuck. And it's a Mom-Mobil. I don't need features that get me out of mud. So, after 15 min of meneuvering, spraying mud up the entire side of the van, and plowing through the bushes that ultimately left pretty good marks along the sides of the van, we were back to civilization.And oh yeah, I was definitely feeling the wear and tear from the shooting... I'm glad to know I CAN reasonably shoot when i'm pregnant, but it's prolly not an activity I should engage in regularly until AFTER. Poor Baby. All in all, it was a fun experience. I got my hand cleaned up, the van through a good car wash, and it was all superficial damage, so.....